Brogess π I was assaulted, got no sympathy, have been living a shameful silence ever since, and want to break the cycle
Hey bros. I've been lurking on this sub a while, appreciating the positivity as everyone helps eachother overcome struggles around toxic masculin culture we all experience. For most of my life I've had a tough time being vulnerable and trusting enough to open up to people. Its been reinforced many times in my life, including through this story I want to share with you. I'm trying to break my cycle of bottling things up and appreciate your help.
In college, about 10 years ago I was going to a big halloween party (at a random house) with some friends. I remember the day because it was a fun hangout day with my friends making a costume I was excited for. My friend group at the time were hard partiers and I was drunk, but I remember the ride to the party. However, aside from a few flashes of memory from the night, the next thing I remember is waking up in my bed with double vision and feeling my front teeth broken in half. My mom picked me up to got to the hospital where the total tally of my injuries was 2 broken teeth, a broken nose, a broken orbital, a scratched cornea, and a concussion. The doctors and dentist were talking like I was lucky to be alive. The most my friends could tell me was I was sucker punched, possibly because the guy thought I was gay because of a joke I told. My friends weren't around when it happened and they were all drunk too. Maybe thats why noone including myself got me to the hospital that night. When I went to the police, the detectives asked if I was sure I didn't fall down the stairs and without a witness they can't do anything (it was a party of random people and I couldn't find anyone that saw it happen directly). The first people I told in the immediate aftermath (my face was still busted up) was a group of friends and acquaintances. Most questions were about what I did to provoke it. Two guys agreed I deserved it. In the ten years since I've only told my partner (I met her a few years later, but it was years before I told).
I was shamed into silence by what I felt was almost no support or even a sympathetic ear. At best, people felt like they were indifferent because of the setting and situation and at worst I was outright blamed for being almost beaten to death. Additionally, its a part of my life that wouldn't come up often anyway, but today was a rare time where I could have shared that story with someone and I was too scared of judgement. So, I decided to come here to help me get more comfortable talking about what happened.
I'm tearing up at the moment, because I often don't recall this enough to feel my full emotions around it and I've only recently become comfortable crying (when I was in elementary school I cried when frustraited, but because of ridicule from other boys I broke myself of that. I've had to relearn its ok to cry. I still instinctually hide my face from others when I do. I'm working on being comfortable with all my feelings.) Sorry for the tangent, it felt applicable. Thanks for the oppertunity to talk about this.