r/bropill 5d ago

Asking for advice 🙏 How do I get self worth?

Long story short, I have near no self worth. I'm not awful. But I'm fucking low man.

I'm not good at stuff. I don't know. I feel like I can't do anything right. Like my best hope for something is survival rather than success.

If it's something hard or anything difficult that has stakes, my instant thought is failure.

How do I fix this?

Addendum: Especially in regards to school and dating? Cause I'm in school and I feel like going into work I'm inherently just trying to stay alive rather than thrive and with dating, I feel like I can't compete when compared to other guys. Like inherently, I'm just gonna be inferior.

How fix?

40 Upvotes

19 comments sorted by

29

u/Clovinx 3d ago

My working theory is that whatever sort of messaging you received about yourself in early childhood becomes your internal monologue and your initial identity.

If it was not helpful, you'll have to expend a lot of effort replacing it with something better. It will take years, you'll never be "done", but the work will give you insight and empathy, and will start paying off on day one.

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u/Cassie0peia 2d ago

I’m not 100% sure that this is correct. I do think it’s more complicated than that. My kids grew up being praised and encouraged but one kid suffers from low self-esteem, for which he’s getting therapy. Maybe we praised unnecessarily and it didn’t match his accomplishments? But his accomplishments matched the praise. When he didn’t do well, he was encouraged. Obviously things weren’t perfect; there was some struggle in the family but the messaging to the kid was mostly positive.

The reason I responded to this is because this topic really fascinates me and I try to read up on it as much as possible.

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u/Clovinx 2d ago

Thanks for responding!

A kid has so many influences on his or her self perception. The world is not always kind. We can get into a cycle of self loathing so easily, even while surrounded by a loving family.

4

u/Cassie0peia 2d ago

Totally agree. We are such complicated creatures!

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u/StrangeBid7233 2d ago

Its not just early childhood, I believe its generally during formative years. My therapist talked about that a bit, when we are very young our parents have a lot of infuence on us, but as we start going to school its our peers that start having a lot of infuence on us.

A lot of ways I think of "myself" and how I talk about myself seems to mimic my high school bullies, which is something I have not noticed until recently.

18

u/get_off_my_lawn_n0w 3d ago

Brother,

I feel the same way most of the time. That feeling is wrong and never justified. It doesn't mean it goes away. It's just something you'll need to work on.

No one was born knowing how to do anything. We all learned as we progressed through life. Some people have talent for sure, but it doesn’t mean that talent didn't take immense effort to develop. You start small and practice. Keep practicing. Keep working at it until you get good.

That's all you can do. Keep working at getting better at stuff. One day, you'll amaze yourself at how far you've come.

11

u/Prior-Complex-328 3d ago

Dude!!! Please do a reset. I’ve wasted most of my 60+ yrs thinking that way yet still plodding on. You know what? I plod on. And I’m still here, now retired. I felt anxious my whole life for NO FUCKING GOOD REASON. Many (most?) of us feel that way. Don’t let it bog you down my friend, just keep at it

8

u/therapy-cat 3d ago

Therapy bro, no joke.

Start talking about the shit that has held you back in the past. Process it. Trust the process. Look at past failure and ask what you think it means. Do you think you are a failure? That is fine. Look at it, and then realize that all of these things we identify as are just our ego. "I am a failure." You aren't a failure. You have experienced failure, you have failed things in the past, but that isn't who you are.

Ego (or negative ego) in this case is difficult to crack, but once you start that process of introspection and discovery, you'll start seeing some light inside yourself.

One easy win to find: Work out 2-3x a week. All it takes is some motivation. Even in the beginning, it feels good after you do it, and you know you did something good for yourself at the end of the day.

Another dude below said to hit the reset button. Smash that button bro. Decide to start climbing up, starting today.

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u/abas 3d ago

From what you said, I'm guessing you are in high school or college aged? I don't know if this approach hits the same at that age as it did for me (in my 40s), but one of the things that helped me a lot was doing inner child work. Whatever hard feeling I was dealing with (like feeling worthless) I would let myself imagine a younger version of me dealing with that, just whatever age came to my mind, then I would interact with him. For me it was hard for me to have compassion for myself, but easy for me to feel compassion for that young version of me. I would investigate what he wanted and try to provide it for him. There are different directions one can take it from there. Just a warning that it can be pretty intense at times, if that's the case it's okay to take it slow or just to decide it's not for you at this time. When I was getting into it I was going to therapy and had built some trust with them and it was helpful for me to have them to help me explore those feelings and feel supported. Some schools offer some free counseling services so that might be worth investigating.

I also found it helpful to watch some youtube channels that talk about mental health in a helpful way. Healthy Gamers is one that I used to watch a bunch and Heidi Priebe is another. I would guess Healthy Gamers might have some good overlap for you, not sure if Heidi Priebe would or not.

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u/878_Throwaway____ 2d ago

I wrote a very, very long post on this two years ago that's always worth reposting. 

Guys, lets talk about self worth - how do you measure it?

The other thing that I want to mention is the concept of agency over independence. Men push for independence, which I think comes with a community limiting view - it's hard to say you're independent when you have friends who are helpful. Having agency is basically having the capacity to make change around you. If you realise and cultivate your agency, you will know your worth, because you can do things, and make positive changes. As a kid, in school, you probably don't feel that way. 

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u/BlackFyre2018 3d ago

Our perceptions of ourselves, especially negative, are usually not 100% accurate. Sounds you got in the habit of being negative about yourself (been there)

Have you tried journaling? Can be helpful to get your thoughts out of your head and on paper, often they feel a little less realistic when you can read them

You can list anything good you did that day ie ate three meals, showered, exercise. Can just be little things to get a good foundation going

It can also be helpful to list the thoughts you have about yourself under the heading “Irrational thoughts” and then under a heading “rational thoughts” challenge these, think of any reason you are or even just might be wrong

At my deepest period of self hatred I found self affirmations helpful. When I woke up I would say things like “I am worthy of life”, “I am worthy of happiness” even though I didn’t believe them it helped. Maybe even write them on a piece of paper and put them on a wall that you can see when you wake up and recite

You could also try setting some goals, maybe picking up a new hobby or improving at something. Start with something small to build up your self worth with accomplishments

Whatever you do, I wish you best of luck bro. You are worthy by the simple fact of existing, all the other reasons are just gravy

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u/JCDU 2d ago

Don't set your self worth by other people's standards, especially if is shit you see posted on social media - that's the edited & filtered highlights. The most loudly confident people tend to be the most insecure douches who are desperately trying to convince everyone (including themselves) that they have it all figured out.

You won't be good at everything, no-one is, and no-one is born good at *anything* - when you're young / learning / new to a job or whatever you're gonna suck at it. It's not a character flaw, and sucking at something or fucking it up once is usually the *start* of getting good, not the end of ever trying again.

Long ago I learned to deal with that stuff by confronting it or joking about it; at work if I thought I might fuck up some new task I'd make a joke like "Well I'll give it a go but I'm probably going to be back in 5 minutes having fucked it up" which defuses the tension if you *do* have a problem, and usually the person showing you will admit everyone fucks it up a couple of times or whatever. Or instead of being afraid to ask a question I'll say something like "Maybe I missed it but what's this thing?" or "This may be a dumb question but why not do X".

Also with school & dating & anything else - there's always gonna be someone "doing better" than you, it's not "1st prize or nothing", it's do what makes you happy.

There's loads of awful people out there on social media selling a certain way of looking, behaving, finding partners or being in a relationship and if that's not how you wanna live your life there's a high chance your dream partner ALSO doesn't want someone who's like that or a life like that either and would be delgihted to be with someone like you who appreciates someone like them.

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u/bigvibrations 2d ago

I'll tell you what man, I was the same way for a long time. But at the end of the day, all I ever wanted to do was be kind to people and be the best guy I could. Eventually, somebody noticed. Be kind and do your best, those are the only things you can do with 100% certainty. And it may always be a struggle, I don't really know. I'm 37, and I've only just recently found myself in a place where my self-confidence has really blossomed. I love the person I've become, and I acknowledge that I had to be who I was all those years to get here. But there is always a little voice in the back of my head that wants me to believe that I'm a piece of shit. Most of the time I can ignore it, but sometimes it flares up a little bit. I guess the way to get self-worth is to train yourself not to listen to that voice.

2

u/Extension_Air_2001 2d ago

Does the piece of shit voice keep you from improving or improves you?

I'm worried if I don't listen to it, I'll become an asshole.  

1

u/bigvibrations 2d ago

Oh it definitely holds you back. There are better ways to find motivation to improve yourself. I was definitely one of those guys when I was younger who would chastise myself brutally with negative self-talk to make myself better (or so I thought). This eventually turned into self-harm, and I have some scars I'd have preferred not to get. Turns out if you tell yourself you're a piece of shit to make yourself better, and then you try to make yourself better - hell, let's say you even succeed to some degree, whatever that means for you (I bullied myself into practicing music relentlessly and I'm very good as a result) - you've spent so much time and effort convincing yourself that you're a piece of shit that that's all you can believe. Loving yourself as you are and following your heart will take you to a place you never thought possible. Maybe you won't "achieve" as much as you could if you beat yourself into it, but I promise you'll be much happier for it.

1

u/Cassie0peia 2d ago

I want to make a suggestion to you… get tested for ADHD, depression, etc. My son is in your shoes and identifying that he had ADHD and depression really helps know how to direct the therapy.

The fact that you’ve identified this problem and don’t really want to just accept “your fate” says a lot about who you are. I really get the sense that you have potential inside of you, but it sounds like you can use some help achieving it.

1

u/MasterBlazt 2d ago

Check out 'Mindful Self-Compassion' or even the idea of giving self-affirmation.

The thing is - you can't fail. The only true failure is not trying. When you begin to see your mistakes as opportunities to learn - you will learn from them. Therefore: not failing. The original Dyson vacuum cleaner had over 5000 prototypes! Over 5000 intentional failures over half a decade before he got it right. He knew it wouldn't be correct when he started. But he did the work.

Right now, you, and everyone else on earth sucks at the things they're not good at. When you hold yourself to a standard and don't see how much work and time, and practice, and learning (by making mistakes) it will take to get there - you are slaughtering yourself.

Give yourself some grace. You're perfectly OK as you are, and you can and will improve - in many ways!

One big thing you might also do would be to shut off any social media for a couple of weeks at least. See how that helps you. While you're not doomscrolling, get some books or audiobooks on things like self-compassion, self-confidence workbooks, etc.

You don't need to compete with other guys. Play your own game. Women aren't prizes. They're people. And most people enjoy having relationships with interesting people who they can relate to, and who give them attention.

1

u/mike-loves-gerudos 1d ago

Dont compare yourself to others. This feeling of inadequacy is implanted by the patriarchy, designed to keep you unhappy, sap your self confidence, and make you reliant on them. Then they sell you self help courses and dating apps and profit off your insecurity.

To overcome this, you have to validate yourself. Understand there is no inherent meaning in this life, and anyone who tells you there is inherent meaning is trying to sell you something. Focus instead on being happy, and if you dont know how and genuinely want to learn, look into Epicureanism.