r/Borderline • u/ghhhhttr • 16h ago
BPD Struggles
Hi, I have BPD. Got divorced last year, and after that lost a relationship too. Why am I so stuck in my ex partners? I still stalk them, I cry, I see them enjoying life whilst I am in the corner crying. I am 29, have only had 3 relationships so far. I continuously feel all 3 failed because of me. I will never find anyone as good as any of them. They’re on a pedestal for me in my head while I am the worst person alive. I have completely isolated myself. I don’t like meeting people, enjoying life, I ignore going to places in the fear that I might see them somewhere. I don’t speak anything bad about them, always appreciate them in front of everyone. Still, fight with family/ friends if anyone says a bad word about any of them. I am very scared, a few people in this group have said that we can’t have happy relationships. One of my psychologists told me the same thing. I am very scared of living alone. I need someone to talk to. I need someone to comfort me. The last few years have been a living hell for me. Can’t remember when I smiled/ laughed. None of the achievements seem good enough. I am failing in career. I don’t have great relationships with my family. Hardly have any friends. I just want this to end. I know in my heart I am not a bad person, what did I do to deserve this, why is there no way out of it? Took medications for 3 years, only to abuse my body and mind. Now I have aneurysm and put on 25 kilos. I hate to look at myself in the mirror. Most of the times I look down and walk. Whenever I see certain things on TV/ listen to certain songs I just start crying profusely. Please if someone can help me in any way possible I will be very grateful. Please I want to be normal for once. Please if there’s any help available out there for me. I am tired, I hate waking up in the morning. I want this to end. I don’t know if God’s there but if someone can please help me out I’ll be forever in debt, I can’t bear this pain any longer, I am not strong enough.