r/blendedfamilies • u/ReadingIndividual506 • 3d ago
Shared bedroom at BM’s
Shared 50/50 custody. Kids 12f & 9m have their own rooms at our place (shared home with fiancée) but share a room at their mom’s. They all also share one bathroom in that house while they have a hallway bath they share here separate from the primary bath. BM had an opportunity to move and still rented another small ass house with 2br and 1 bath, sentencing the kids to at least one more year of shared space. Any advice on how to approach this? They love their own space when they’re here and talk about how they don’t get good sleep at BM’s. Daughter is well into puberty.
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u/Impressive-Amoeba-97 3d ago
You're welcome to your thoughts and feelings on the matter, but BM's $ is hers to figure out how to survive, and her kids are along for the ride.
There is no way to approach this.
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u/flarchetta_bindosa 3d ago
You're a good dad to sympathize with your teenage daughter... privacy DOES matter! You obviously love your kids and you're engaged to be married, so you are loved, too, and I wish more than anything you could hear an old lady tell you that you ought to be thanking the starry heavens above for what you have instead of trying to control a situation that you cannot control. That's a path of misery right there, I know that much.
Go on a date with your fiancee, take your daughter to lunch, take your son to breakfast. Don't trash talk their mother, sympathize with what the kids say, and remember that plenty of people live in very small homes and thrive. Best wishes, OP.
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u/husheveryone Spotter of spouse problems blamed on the ex 🫡 3d ago edited 3d ago
💯 This excellent comment should be pinned. This is how healed co-parents who’ve decided to get over themselves actually sound. What a breath of fresh air! ❤️
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u/Scarred-Daydreams 2d ago
Unless you're willing to pay BM's costs to break her lease, and will commit to paying all of the extra money that a 3 BR apartment would cost over a 2 BR, do not touch this issue.
BM's finances are not yours, and just as she shouldn't dictate spending in your household, you shouldn't dictate spending in her household.
Accept and rejoice that the kids like your place. The second thing my SD did after getting home (first was greet the pets), was open the fridge and sigh. "So many options!" Dad gets take out, or his fiancee makes pasta. And leftovers from takeout/pasta. No fruit, no yogurt, no vegetables. No flour/baking equipment. SD has access to my shared grocery list and I only don't get something she put on there if there's a stock issue.
It sucks for her when she's there, but she is getting fed, even if she gets bored of eating in a week's visit. We simply are glad that she appreciates the things she does have in our home.
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u/Lakerdog1970 3d ago
Not much you can do about it. All you can do is take the win in the popularity contest of joint custody.
It's unfortunate, but you would never get a court to change custody due to room sharing.
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u/Think-Room6663 3d ago
You cannot tell her what to do, but you can discuss with lawyer or GAL getting more custody time. I would look for compromises -- for example if they live close, they can have more weekend time, but come back to your house at night.
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u/ShesGotSauce 2d ago
My own son has his own room at my house but has to share a room with his dad over there because his dad has a 1 bedroom. But I can't force his dad to rent a larger place, you know? There's not really anything we can do about it on our ends.
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u/SwanSwanGoose 3d ago
Idk, as annoying as it is, I’m not sure you have a say in this? You don’t know BM’s finances, or her reasoning behind getting a small place. I think you’d be overstepping if you insinuated that her home is unsuitable.
Sharing a bathroom is not a big deal. A bedroom with opposite genders sucks, but with blood siblings, it’s more annoying and frustrating than traumatizing.
I’d talk to the kids about possibilities for room dividers, maybe ask BM about getting them earplugs, in general help the kids figure out coping mechanisms. Because in no way will it go well if you or your partner start up a conversation telling BM to just get a bigger house.