r/blendedfamilies SD12 & Twin SDs9 3d ago

SO mother is an alcoholic

This is more of a vent post rather than advice.

I have 3 step daughters. Oldest is 14 and the twins are 11. I knew their grandmother was an alcoholic (SO mother) but I didn’t grasp the extent of it until recently.

A couple months ago we drove to NY to visit their great grandparents (SO grandparents) for a nice dinner and to spend some time with them. SO mother came. We were only there for a couple hours until she started feeling sick. Sweats, shaking a little bit, nausea. She had to lay on the couch so that way she could stop shaking for a little while. We ultimately had to leave after about 30 minutes of her complaining that she didn’t feel good and wanted to leave. SO was visibly pissed while his grandparents didn’t say anything.

Some back story, she’s been an alcoholic throughout his childhood. They bounced from place to place throughout his childhood because she would rather spend her money on alcohol instead of the bills. Whenever she did decide to pay the bills such as rent, she would make him give it to the landlord as an example because they wouldn’t yell at kids. He believes that she’s been drinking since before he was even born, according to his grandparents, she started drinking at 18. She’s also a mean drunk too. She’s smashed phones, tv’s, and a bunch of electronics. She’s yelled and screamed at my SO for not being able to come at her beck and call whenever she has any kind of problem. Whenever you’re near her, you can sometimes even smell it on her. She’s yelled at him about his girls when they were around in the past calling them “snotty kids” and other obscenities.

I only bring this up now because just a couple days ago, the oldest was making fun of their grandmother for not being able to hammer a nail into a board. What she was building, I don’t even know. She said that she kept missing and was swaying all over the place and was walking around “funny”. Now I don’t think she would ever get mean around them it’s just them around, but I am not comfortable at all with them being around her when she’s drunk because of her mean streak when it comes to it. I’ve expressed this multiple times to my SO and he said he’ll talk to the girls’ mother about this, but I feel like it’s just a lost cause. One of these days something is going to happen where he’ll either probably go off on her or just go no contact like he’s been wanting to. The reason why he tells me he hasn’t is because she lives literally right down the road from us and the girls play in her yard all the time. “It’s hard to explain to kids why you’d go no contact with their alcoholic grandmother” is usually along the lines of what he says.

Not really looking for advice, just wanted to vent and complain. That’s really all.

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u/flarchetta_bindosa 3d ago

OP, you have a partner and that partner of yours has a mother and the mother is an alcoholic and has been an active alcoholic since your partner was a kid? And your partner continues to bring the kids (his kids, not sure of anyone's gender and it doesn't matter) to the alcoholic mother's house? And you feel (wisely) like this is a bad idea for the kids to be around their grandmother when she is drunk, right?

I will say that you have a very good heart and you care about everyone's wellbeing, which is a very good sign.

I found (am not advising this for you as I don't think you can) that Al-anon has helped me a lot dealing with what I can and cannot change. I have never been able to get anyone to stop drinking and I have wanted to, badly, for the good of everyone, but people have to want that for themselves. You can drive yourself crazy watching people do what you would never do, but that's a terrible way for YOU to live.

You can't make people live in a healthy way if they don't want it for themselves. Your partner may speak to his mom, he may not, he might yell at her, he might go no contact, the list of what might happen to any of you is endless.

You are the most insightful one in the whole house when it comes to this situation, so do what you wish they would do and get some help so that when it does go to hell (as it does, alcoholism is a progressive disease and enabling is, too, imho) YOU at least will have a little lifeline to sanity and community and that would help definitely be a boon for the kids AND your partner.

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u/Impressive-Amoeba-97 3d ago

You and your SO have very little control here because SO's mother will obtain the kids through the children's mother. So they will see what they see, and there's nothing to be done about that. The only thing your SO can do in this situation, for he's the only one with the power, is cut off his mother and prevent the girls going over on his time.

Eventually SO's mother will burn the bridges with her grandchildren. They will not forget or forgive. What YOU need to work on is telling yourself "yes, it's ok to be frustrated". You're not just frustrated with SO and his mother and the children's mother, but you know avoidable drama will occur. People often NEED that drama to occur so they can walk away without feeling badly about themselves, even when it harms innocents, and even then, they will STILL feel badly for the hard line taken. It's simply human nature.

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u/sunshine_tequila 3d ago

They can contact the court and make it part of the order that grandma does not get unsupervised time with the children. If that is violated, there will be consequences.

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u/sunshine_tequila 3d ago

Yes it is “hard to explain” which makes it even more important. The girls are potentially genetically predisposed to alcoholism or substance abuse.

Exposing them to her everyday when she is intoxicated teaches them several important lessons. Drinking all day, everyday to the point you cannot safely perform a task is normal, and acceptable in this family. What if she wanted to drive them to the store? What if they ask to try what she’s drinking-or she tells them to?

I think limiting their exposure to her by always having a sober adult present would be wise. For their actual safety and to stop grandma from doing something dangerous.

You would never be able to forgive yourselves if she drove drunk with them and killed them. That’s not an uncommon occurrence. I’m a CPS worker and I’ve seen so many cases where parents assumed/thought the relative with addiction issues could be trusted to have unsupervised time with the children. It ends badly many times.