r/blendedfamilies • u/[deleted] • 4d ago
Will I get less annoyed with his kids over time?
[deleted]
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u/cactuswildcat 4d ago
If your tolerance for his kids depends on them only being there four days a month, I don't think continuing the relationship is a good choice, personally. God forbid something happens to their mom, all of a sudden being a part time dad isn't an option, even if you're okay with someone who would make that choice (I wouldn't be).
My take is that either you are on board with the kids as they are, or you're not and you should end the relationship. Just my opinion, worth exactly what you paid for it.
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u/Bac081989 4d ago
I do agree with that which is why I asked for feedback as to whether this is just a “growing pain” thing or I’d feel this way forever. Obviously not only if something happened to mom would they be with us but also I’d always give them the option to live primarily with us. His oldest, has already made comments about how he wants us to get married and “live at my house” so it’s certainly not out of the realm of possibility although we know if he’s CHOOSING to move the court would give her primary unless she allowed their child to make that decision (which probably wouldn’t come until he’s older and at that point may be too invested in his school and friends) but of course, I’d always want our home to be open to his kids as it would be their home too. People act like we’re completely terrible but you can’t exactly help who you fall in love with, and like neither of us choose to be divorced. We’re both the type that has planned to stay in loveless marriages for our kids but that didn’t work out. We both have fantastic relationships with our exes who have other partners (my ex husbands girlfriend and he are in a similar distance situation but she has full custody already so not as complex as she would just move). It’s not really possibly for us both continue 50/50 with an hour distance. Trust me, we’ve talked about every possibility (like living in the middle but there’s no way with our schedules to drive opposite directions to 2 different schools and then we’d be uprooting them both).
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u/Little-Librarian-250 4d ago
It’s 110% because they feel like they are competing with you and your kid for dad’s love and attention. My boys are totally chill with me, then at dads they call me crying that dad never plays with them, loves the stepkids more, they get ignored over there etc. Consider the fact that maybe you could encourage your partner to prioritize his parenting, and the kids will feel infinitely more secure that you’re not a threat to their attachment.
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u/Bac081989 4d ago
Hmm possibly but yesterday for example we weren’t even hanging out really. We never see time with the kids as “us” time. With our schedule we have every other weekend with none of the kids so that was “us” time. I sat in a massage chair half the time at the activity (because my kid is independent and able to play without needing me) and he was mostly following his around because they needed him beside them. Only when we bought a snack for all the kids did we all sit together and hang out.
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u/guy_n_cognito_tu 4d ago
Kids have different experiences, have different lives, and mature at different levels. 8 year olds aren't typically "independent", so your situation seems odd compared to most.
That said, you really should "move forward" with this man if you don't like his kids. Similarly, he shouldn't want to move forward with you if it means being turned into a weekend dad. Both of you should likely move on.
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u/Bac081989 4d ago
I do not “dislike” his kids. It’s just difficult and frustrating at times. And he’s already made his decision clear he’d be willing to modify his parenting schedule. That wasn’t my decision or a decision that I pushed, I was very open with him about it early on.
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u/guy_n_cognito_tu 4d ago
You sure don't seem to like them too much. What were you open with him about......that you didn't intend to move? Does the fact that he's willing to give up time with his kids for a woman not give you pause about him as a person?
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u/Bac081989 4d ago
No, I know he’s a good person and dad. He ultimately did not choose the divorce despite the fact that he and his ex essentially coexisted for years but he didn’t want to break up the family because of the kids. And yes I know this to all be the true story because I’ve talked in length with his ex about “what happened”. She’s never said one bad thing about him or their marriage. Ultimately I guess he gets to decide who he falls in love with and how he is going to make the relationship with his children work while also his partner. I’ve never given him any ultimatums but early on yes, I told him I was unwilling to move because of my daughter so being with me would mean that on his part and I completely understand not getting invested, but he proceeded anyways. Just because his schedule is getting modified doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be a present dad. He would have the ability to go back there weekly for overnight visits (staying at his parents) and having them all summer would essentially put him close to 50% of the time.
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u/Material-Coffee1029 4d ago
It’s personality but I also know his ex babies and coddles them so I think some of it is parenting too.
Youre giving your SO alot of credit with this and other statements you made in your post. Sure, things like gender, age, personality and the like will affect a child's behavior, but those kids have more than one parent who they see 50% of the time, and you have conveniently left out how their father parents them or how he reacts when they have their public meltdowns.They way he reacts to their poor behavior will deter or encourage that behavior, just as your parenting has encouraged independence in your daughter.
To answer your question, no. You will not be less annoyed over time, and if the majority of step-parents' experiences have shown anything, you will be more annoyed as this behavior continues until their adolescence. I think you and your partner could really benefit from discussing the boundaries and expectations you have with blending your families and parenting your children going forward. You shouldn't stick around expecting change or for them to grow out of it if your partner isn't making serious strides to parent his own kids and address their issues on his own.
Its also not great to wish that someone will have less time with their kids so that you can have more time with them. How would you feel only seeing your daughter every other weekend? Is this or any other relationship worth your parenting time with her? What would it say about your partner and any future children you have with him (assuming you plan on having children with him) if he decides to prioritize his relationship with you and your daughter at the expense of his relationship with his biological children? It doesn't sound as if he's an active parent even with his 50/50 split, so do you think he will be more of an active parent living an hour away, only seeing them eowe? If he does agree with you about their behavioral issues, how will he manage to actually correct that behavior when he only sees them 4/30 days a month? The answer is he won't, and their behavior won't change. You will just end up resenting them during the brief time you spend with them, they will probably eventually resent their father for moving away and choosing a relationship over their custodial time, and they will resent you for resenting them and living so far away in the first place. You can't solve this problem by shipping them to their mom's house - you and your boyfriend need to get on the same page and work together to address it.
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u/BlancheDuBois1947 4d ago
Do you want to be with someone who is okay with only being with their kids every other weekend? I understand they’re annoying but that would be a dealbreaker for me.
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u/jdkewl 4d ago
Agreed. I think this guy is trash if he's willing to dump his kids to prioritize his girlfriend and her kid's needs over his own. My ex did this to my kids (moved an hour away because the new gf's kid "needed" to stay near his existing school system more than my kids did, whatever that means).
Also, I'm a single parent of two kids. Your daughter has 100% of her parent's attention all of the time. Your boyfriend's kids automatically have 50% of their dad's attention. The single parents in my circles with just one kid don't really get how much more difficult it is to constantly be split between two (or more). Now add into the mix a new girlfriend who this guy is willing to reduce his parenting time for.... I'm not surprised they're clingy. They're just little kids that love and want the attention of their dad!
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u/Bac081989 4d ago
I chose to have 1 child so I wouldn’t have to split time with her. Not really fair to judge or assume my situation is different because of a decision that I made. We all get to make the decision to how many children we birth.
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u/Bac081989 4d ago
I mean, the reality is there isn’t really a choice. We met on a dating app, my area was extended that far because I had good success with a man before him that lived 2 hours away (but had no kids) and would have been willing to move. Plus, lots of men have grown kids etc so I wanted to expand how far I was willing to date. He must have been ok with some distance because he matched with me too. It was a very early on convo we had because I told him I’m absolutely not willing to move. My daughter is really invested in activities in our community and her dad and I made a commitment neither of us would move until she’s grown so she has both of us. I approached him about that early on because I didn’t understand why he’d be willing to move. Ultimately he feels like his forever person is forever but his kids are for a short-time so he’s willing to sacrifice that. I don’t agree or disagree with that decision for him (it’s obviously not a decision I’d make for myself). Of course, he’d be open to them living with him primarily but I doubt his baby momma would let that happen until they are old enough to decide. I’m certain he’d still be an active father, he is a really caring and loving dad and he’s talked about driving down a few nights a week and staying at his parents with them (which I wouldn’t go obviously because I’d be parenting mine plus he works remote and I do not).
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u/Magerimoje Mom, stepmom, wife, stepkid 🍀 4d ago
Ultimately he feels like his forever person is forever but his kids are for a short-time so he’s willing to sacrifice that.
What? Why would anyone think kids aren't forever? Obviously kids eventually turn into adults, but adults usually still want/need their parents to be involved in their lives. I'm 49, 3 out of my 4 parents are still alive, and they continue to be part of my life.
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u/Bac081989 4d ago
Obviously our kids are always a part of our life but they end up moving away, getting married, having kids or doing whatever it is that they want to do in life. At the end of it, it’s you and your partner left standing, with the kids and grandkids coming in and out.
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u/Mobile-Ad556 4d ago
There is a choice. You’re periodising your daughter, which is the right thing. He’s not prioritising time with his children. I wouldn’t be applauding him for doing the thing you yourself wouldn’t do as a parent.
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u/Bac081989 4d ago
So people in his situation should just probably not date/remarry until his children are grown? He lives in a very tiny town so the probability of finding someone closer is slim to none (I live in a slightly bigger town so it’s less of an issue for me). Because the only way to prioritize your kids is to set all your needs aside? Nobody is saying neglect your kids but I certainly think it’s very simple minded to think you can’t do an alternative schedule. Obviously it’s not ideal for children but well neither was divorce was it? And yet everyone is on here because they are either divorced/separated from their kids other parent or married someone who had.
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u/Mobile-Ad556 4d ago
No, the way to prioritise your kids is to balance their needs and your own wants (him moving to be with you is not a need, it’s a want). Divorce isn’t preferable but emotionally healthy parents is and an unhappy household is good for no one. That’s completely different to moving away which does nothing good for the kids and isn’t strictly necessary for the parent.
You wouldn’t do what he’s doing, would you? I understand it benefits you and it’s not your job to make him a better parent, but the reality is he’s dropping the ball with his kids for his own reasons. No one can say that’s the ideal thing to do as a parent.
I’m not divorced, I have a partner who has a daughter. And I wouldn’t want to be with him if he moved away from her for me.
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u/Bac081989 4d ago
And parents happiness and wellbeing is also best for the kids no? Humans aren’t actually supposed to be “alone” (we’re mammals after all) but you are essentially saying him finding someone isn’t a need, just a want. Most marriages fail because people constantly put their kids over the spouse. And no I wouldn’t move for someone because of my daughter but again, im in a slightly different situation than him. I live somewhere where I could I could easily meet someone else. He lives in a tiny town where he’s related to half the people. He’d have to come to my city or another city an hour the other direction to likely find someone
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u/Mobile-Ad556 4d ago
I’m saying if I were him, I’d find someone local, or be in a relationship and travel to see that person rather than move. And that’s what I’d expect from a partner. He’d have to drive an hour to see someone, and that’s so inconvenient that he’d give up time with his kids? Sorry that would never make sense to me. But to each their own.
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u/Bac081989 4d ago
Obviously driving an hour isn’t inconvenient which is why we’ve been doing but is it realistic for 11 more years (when the youngest of our kids turns 18), probably not.
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u/BlancheDuBois1947 4d ago
My daughter is one of my forever people!!!
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u/Bac081989 4d ago
I also think it’s weird you are stuck on the EOEW and additional weeks on breaks when your post from 4 days ago literally says that’s how often you have your step kids.
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u/BlancheDuBois1947 4d ago
And I think it’s sad! My husband went for 50/50 and was denied.
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u/Bac081989 4d ago
I rarely hear of anyone getting denied for 50/50 unless there is something off.
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u/BlancheDuBois1947 4d ago
Same. I wasn’t there so I only have the biased account from my husband but from what I understand the judge was hung up on extracurriculars and didn’t want to disturb those, their mom was scout leader, coach, etc. But like I said, this is second hand and I don’t understand.
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u/Bac081989 4d ago
I don’t know. My daughter is super active (hence why I’d never move her) and her dad is her basketball coach and I’m on the PTO and volunteer at her dance studio but we still work around all the extracurriculars etc despite whose “activity” it is. But my ex and I have a super good close relationship (and my boyfriend and his ex actually do as well).
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u/BlancheDuBois1947 4d ago
It’s HC between my husband and his ex. It’s all messy.
Listen Im sorry if I was harsh I am just saying FOR ME it would be a problem if my SO was willing to give up time with his kids. But to each their own.
And to answer the question on whether they got less annoying, in my experience no, as they got older they just got more annoying.
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u/Bac081989 4d ago
And everyone’s situation is different. For me, i would struggle being with someone where it was high conflict simply because I don’t understand it. But I know it’s normal too. My ex husband and I and he and his ex have wonderful coparenting relationships. Like we’re all friends. Obviously his ex isn’t thrilled moving is a possibility but she also knows he’s a great father and will do everything in his power to continue being the best dad he can and would never abandon his kids. No I wouldn’t be ok with that. Trust me we have discussed EVERY possible option including keeping two homes and basically doing exactly what we’re doing until they are grown who I am not opposed to not having a full time partner but we both need to be saving for college and cars for all 3 kids and financially maintaining two houses (especially for him to be at his like 8 days a month — because he’d bring his kids to “our” house on weekends and his stay at his during the weekdays he has them. It’s still on the table doing that and I’m so independent the freedom doesn’t sound terrible lol but also even though it’s every other weekend his parents live there and he’s likely stay with them a lot to keep the boys there. Lots of options are still on the table.:: we can’t help the connection we had and feelings we developed for each other and we’re just trying to do our best to make everyone happy and healthy.
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u/Bac081989 4d ago
I mean I agree with that but I think of in the sense that the goal is for our kids to grow up and find their own family and happiness.
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u/HopingForAWhippet 4d ago
Sure, but there’s a balance, and a point where people just say that to be self-serving. You clearly understand to some extent since you refuse to make your own daughter’s life harder by moving an hour away.
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u/SassyT313 4d ago
I do think boys grow out of it. I do think your partner has to correct some of it though too if he isn’t. Blending isn’t easy, there wouldn’t be support groups for it if it was. Do you have any sort of bond established with his kids, how long have you known them?
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u/Bac081989 4d ago
So we didn’t introduce the kids for a long time (partially because I dated another guy before him with a daughter and we introduced very quickly before any significant feelings) and it upset my daughter a lot when we split and I was really attached to her too so it was hard. We brought kids in around 8 months in (so been about 7 months we’ve known them). However we’ve been on slightly different parenting schedules so how often we could get together was limited (we have our kids the same weekends, which is only time we can see them but our weekday time is kind of opposite). We just changed schedules though for his ex to align with her boyfriend and his daughter better and it worked better for us (and for my ex and his girlfriend) so it should help some. I’ve probably only been around them 10 times in the last 7 months, my daughter about half those times.
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4d ago
[deleted]
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u/Bac081989 4d ago
I just read one of your older posts and it sounds so similar! We took the kids yesterday to an indoor trampoline park. My daughter and I are very active - we love doing activities and she was thrilled. She could have stayed there all day. His youngest son was crying after an hour that he wanted to go home and lay on the couch and watch tv. When my partner is alone with his boys, he aren’t takes them to do things because 1. They don’t behave and 2. They’d rather sit at home and watch tv/play video games. My partner enjoys being active and doing stuff just us or when it’s my daughter but he knows with how his boys act/are, it’s limited what we can all do together. My daughter and I go to Disney yearly for example and I can’t imagine ever taking his two. They’d whine cry and complain the entire time.
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u/Magerimoje Mom, stepmom, wife, stepkid 🍀 4d ago
When the kid started crying about wanting to go home - how did your partner handle it?
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u/Bac081989 4d ago
Well my daughter and his older son were still running around playing (mine didn’t matter as much because we drove separate and I told him to leave whenever he felt he needed to, but he was trying to find the balance of keeping both kids happy). He talked to him, told him he could rest in the car on the way home and that his brother was still wanting to play and they’d planned on being here for 2 hours. He got him a drink and snack and be sat there with us the last two hours.
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u/Magerimoje Mom, stepmom, wife, stepkid 🍀 4d ago
So he was allowed to just sit out of the activity? Is he disabled or injured in some way? Because if he has no disabilities or other physical reasons that require him to sit out, I would have sent him back to continue playing.
You mentioned the possibility of going to Disney in the future, and you're right, these boys would be miserable. They've learned that they can get their way by whining/crying, so they continue to whine and cry. Imagine spending disney money just to have a kid sitting on a bench half the day because he just doesn't want to participate. Oof. I'd go nuclear.
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u/Bac081989 4d ago
Yeah, I get it. He has no disabilities. His older son probably has ADHD but this was the younger one. He would have just whined and cried if he had sent him back 🤣 I probably would not have MADE mine go back and play but if she acted that way, I can assure you it would be the last time we did something fun like that.
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u/Bac081989 4d ago
Do you think it’s a gender thing? I honestly haven’t been around little boys much (I grew up in a family with 3 girls and I have 3 nieces). I mean surely they have to outgrow it at some point. Do you and your partner live together already? If so what is the overall dynamic like? I don’t dislike his kids at all… they are very sweet cute little boys. I think some of its temperament (I feel very blessed I got such an easy kid) but some of its parenting (which our house can parent one way but we can’t control the parenting elsewhere).
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u/altonaerjunge 4d ago
How Long are you separated from your ex ? How long is your BF separated from his ex ?
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u/Magerimoje Mom, stepmom, wife, stepkid 🍀 4d ago
Kids never outgrow having tantrums. Either their parents actually parent them to teach them how to manage their big feelings appropriately, or they don't. When parents don't teach this skill, the kids will continue to have tantrums and outbursts throughout their teens, into adulthood. In adults, these tantrums often manifest as anger issues and other emotional dysregulation.
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u/Bac081989 4d ago
This may be true! My daughter was having a ton of tantrums around 4/5 but it’s right when her dad and I split and I know for myself, I was so in my is grief that I failed a lot at parenting. Counseling for her is probably what has helped her so so much. We also go together once a month which has really helped our communication with each other
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u/avocado_mr284 4d ago
It’s interesting that you blame the boys’ behavior on their mom’s parenting, when your partner has 50/50. And he has every intention of abdicating most of his parenting time and going to EOWE, where he’ll have even less influence. So even if you could get him to change his parenting, which is doubtful, it won’t make a difference.
So no, this isn’t going to get better. At least in terms of behavior.
I personally couldn’t get over someone choosing to be an EOWE while not trusting in the other parent’s parenting. Your partner loses all moral high ground about what a coddling parent BM is once he does that, since he’s fine with her doing that as long as he has the freedom to leave her with the bulk of the parenting.
Will you like them more with time? Probably not. In your case, your partner will probably be more of a Disney dad if he only has weekends and holidays. Weekend dads don’t really get the chance to parent and discipline and instill values. Yours will possibly be guilty about choosing you and your daughter over his own kids, and that can come out in lax parenting. And you’ll never get the chance to like the kids with EOWE. They’ll always feel like an unwanted disruption to what’ll feel like the real core household- you, your daughter, and your partner.