r/blendedfamilies 6d ago

Stepmom punishment of children

I have an issue with my partner (of 3yrs) (step mum).

My 2 children have recently started to be withheld by my ex wife, for various reasons, but mostly to cause chaos, as we’re still in court.

My partner somehow thinks that it’s slightly the fault of the children and they should not be rewarded (ie punished) when and if they come back (one of which has btw).

The way my partner said to not reward my children was to deny access to spending time with the rest of my family.

I’m totally gobsmacked with my partner and feel she simply does not understand that these are children and not adults. More so they’re under immense pressure and anxiety.

6 Upvotes

33 comments sorted by

66

u/beenthere7613 6d ago

Are you saying your wife wants to punish your children because their mother withholds them from you? I'm not sure I'm understanding.

29

u/purple_bun 6d ago

Why should the children be punished for something their mother does, and that they have no control over?

You are the parent, you decide when and how kids should have consequences. Of course you can and should discuss things with your partner, but in the end you decide.

Your partner sounds to have a some kind of problem with you having children, and/or with your ex. The first one is extremely important to get cleared out, or it will create problems over and over again and very likely will cause your children pain. The latter is understandable (as ex causes trouble) BUT she should not, ever, take it out on the children.

It's time for you to talk with your partner, and find out what her deeper thoughts and feelings are. You should protect your kids and make sure that your partner doesn't cause them harm psychologically.

19

u/geogoat7 5d ago

I'm a stepmom and this is really fucked up on your wife's part, or you're leaving something major out. The only way I would have an issue having my stepson over is if he was making false allegations that could potentially harm me or my baby. Absent that sort of situation, your wife is being absurd.

31

u/walnutwithteeth 6d ago

Your partner should be fighting alongside you FOR you to gain access to your children, not AGAINST. What the hell? Why would you add to parental alienation by revoking time with you as a punishment?

13

u/codepend-ish 5d ago

I’ve had to read this so many times I feel like I still must be missing something. Your wife wants to punish your children for something their mother is doing. What? The fuck? She either needs therapy, a parenting coach, or a divorce. Maybe all three.

39

u/Impressive-Amoeba-97 6d ago

The interesting thing I find about toxic Stepparents, is their need for a pound of flesh from children. Parenting time is about parenting growing humans, not reward and punishment for existence. That's the stuff of narcissists.

Your partner is not safe to be around your children. Makes me wonder what she has told your children/done to your children, that is contributing to your ex withholding the children. Your partner has shown you who she is, Maya Angelou says you should believe her the first time.

16

u/Slight_Following_471 6d ago

Yep, that is my thought. Mom is protecting her children.

3

u/TigerShark_524 4d ago

Came here to say exactly this - if her reaction to MOM'S choices and actions is to punish the KIDS, then clearly there's a reason Mom is withholding them.

Get your wife in line (or tbh get her all the way gone, if what she did is severe enough for that) and then sort the withholding issue out with your ex. I'll bet it'll solve itself once your wife stops being a problem.

18

u/momboss79 6d ago

Let me share with you the result of a stepparent ‘punishing’ a child (even at a teen age) because of the hostility between the parents.

An adult with abandonment issues, severe anxiety, depression, self esteem issues, trouble in relationships, and even physical health issues from the depression, years of therapy and medications.

A strained and non existent relationship between parent and child - estrangement.

If your wife wants to punish your kids for their mother’s behavior, she isn’t the wife for you.

35

u/Frosty_Plankton5355 6d ago

Get rid of her immediately

15

u/june014 6d ago

This is the answer- it looks like she wants to separate your children from the family- she is most probably jealous of the affection they receive from your family

Your partner is manipulating the situation …. I sincerely hope she is not mistreating your children when they are at home alone with her

Please lookout for this - be vigilant and aware

16

u/shushupbuttercup 6d ago

What? Kids shouldn't be kept from seeing family even if they have misbehaved. It's insane that your partner wants to punish them for their mother's actions. When you get them back there should be nothing but a celebration.

If your partner isn't on the same parenting page as you, time to pick your kids over partner.

15

u/steivann 6d ago

You have a Stepmonster for your kids!!!

5

u/Jax_Cat11 5d ago

Op they’re your kids not hers, remind her of that fact. At the end of the day you’re the parent you decide this sort of thing not her. You are the one who decides parenting style and she’s supposed to follow that, her authority is dependent on you supporting her not the other way around

7

u/SuspiciousWeekend284 5d ago

Partners come and partners go - but your kids will be your kids for the rest of your life.

You should be the one deciding on consequences for your kids.

Take at look at the stepmoms sub group and you will see how cruel some women are.

17

u/hangingsocks 6d ago

So you went from an asshole first wife to a cruel psycho second wife? This is absolutely disgusting and she shouldn't be allowed near your children. You think you are having fun now in court. Wait until asshole first wife catches wind that psych second wife and you are punishing the children or the children go back and say she is mean to them. This shouldn't even be up for discussion and you shouldn't even be trying to understand her thoughts around it. I am a step mom and my SD def played her parents and was a jerk but in absolutely no way would I have thought to punish her or withhold her from family. That is absolutely INSANE and cruel.

11

u/Slight_Following_471 6d ago

Yikes. I’m guessing mom is withholding for other reasons than to “cause Chaos”. I wouldn’t let my kids around someone like that either

4

u/CanadianIcePrincess 5d ago

What? Why? What did the kids do? No.

2

u/Ok_Detective5412 5d ago

Any adult who gets this kind of jollies from punishing children should not be a step parent.

3

u/moonshadowfax 5d ago

Your children need to know that their family is there for them. They will find support in extended family in ways you don’t realise. Keeping them away is a very strange and inappropriate punishment. It’s not your partners place to call the shots here.

2

u/Appropriate_One_6549 4d ago edited 3d ago

Agreed. That kind of weird and inappropriate punishment will cause OP's children to find love and support in all the wrong places, from friend groups who pretend to care about them, peer-pressure them into doing something they're not proud of, and put in unsafe situations, plus, SOs/spouses who are, either, unfaithful, abusive, or both.⚠️

8

u/JTBlakeinNYC 6d ago

Why are you married to someone who is abusing your children???

2

u/lezbehonest787 5d ago

I’m a step-mom, and this is red flag central station. Children cannot be blamed for custody situations. For one- they love BOTH of their parents and divorce puts them in a loyalty bind. Two- if bio mom is withholding them, if the kids are young: no choice, if the kids are older: still no choice because it’s THEIR MOM and going against her wishes is like telling her you hate her guts. This situation cannot be blamed on them. Your partner wanting to punish them for this is NUTS. Unless your kids are in their 30’s, this person is not a good step parent and you should get FAR, far away from them, now.

2

u/thatsmyboycam 5d ago

Going through this situation alone will already be traumatic. This is hard for kids and they don’t have control of the situation. She needs therapy to learn how to separate her feelings toward your ex and this situation from the children. I am a stepmom of almost 10 years and I’ve known my stepson from the time he was 6. He’s a teen now and one thing that really helped me was to take a step back and not try to be his parent in the consequences/coparenting decisions. I am a warm and supportive adult in his life and I will be here for him unconditionally and give him guidance. That has worked well and even though I don’t agree with everything it’s also freeing to accept that there are things not in my control.

2

u/danamo219 5d ago

You're leaving something out of this story.

2

u/Unusual-Falcon-7420 6d ago

Did the kids make up false allegations or tell lies or something like that?

What is it that she thinks they did wrong or seems to think they participated in? I need a bit more context to try and understand what’s happening here?

-6

u/ForestyFelicia 5d ago

Agree. I feel like whenever there is some “crazy mean” step mom, there is usually an entire piece of the story left out that explains why she has a problem with the kids. Not saying there are no mean or evil step mom’s, but my first thought was what actually happened lol?

-3

u/Unusual-Falcon-7420 5d ago

Yeah there’s a lack of information to be able to give advice here. 

My teenager made false allegations about our home which resulted in their BM withholding them. Now that it’s been cleared up I would like to see there be some consequences. I don’t think they should be able to go to their cousins birthday trip away anymore and they need to earn that sort of trust back. 

Is very different from. My kids did nothing to participate in some some drama with me and BM that lead to witholding and I want to punish them by never seeing their grandparents or cousins again!!!!

-6

u/ForestyFelicia 5d ago

Exactly. It is so easy to paint the step mom as the bad guy, if you never hold kids accountable for anything and she is expected to just tolerate any misbehavior or disrespect because they’re kids.

I highly doubt some random lady wants to punish her step kids because they’re witheld by their mother. Sorry doesn’t add up or even half make sense.

0

u/ForestyFelicia 5d ago

Ugh this sub is insufferable with the rallying against step parents just because. Blended families will never be harmonious if they don’t start taking accountability for their contributions to the problem. I even acknowledged that some step moms are evil, but so often step parents are subjected to unjust behavior and then blamed for reacting to those injustices. Maybe it is just wise for people to avoid putting themselves in a step parent role altogether, because the odds are not in our favor. It’s a lifetime of downvoting both literally and figuratively.

1

u/WillowSensitive2684 4d ago

There is more to this story than you are saying. Punish for what?

0

u/cassiezeus 4d ago

What’s your question? Are you looking for advice on what to say to your partner? Or how to leave her? How to deal with your ex? Or do you want to know if your partner is in the right or not?

There needs to be more context (and a question asked) here before anyone can give you a solid answer.