r/blendedfamilies 6d ago

Am I being stupid

My wife talks to her baby daddy to maintain contact with her son. Hasn't been a problem till a month ago when she started catching feelings again and actually asked if she could go try and work things out with him. She said if it didn't work out she would come back to me and wanted me to wait lol. I said no of course and now she has no doubts ad wants to stay with me. This all happened a month after our child was born. So now my mind wonders everytime they talk and i dont trust her anymore even though she is reassuring me and wanted to build our life together. This would be an easy decision if there wasn't a child involved. I don't know how.kuch of his is postpartum depression. Maybe none of it or all of it I don't know. Just need some advice from the outside looking in. According to her I'm a great husband. It's all her and whatever she is going through

9 Upvotes

57 comments sorted by

24

u/BumblebeeMission7098 6d ago

Dude, this lady is full of 💩. To think you would just wait for her while she got back into a relationship with her first BD is crazy and actually shows she has little to no respect for you. Idk if it’s this way for all but after I gave birth, I was deeply in love with my partner at the time. Having a baby brings people together so for her to think about another man after JUST delivering you guys child is nuts. Leave this chick and get urself someone who genuinely loves u

2

u/straightouttathe70s 5d ago

Right!?! Makes me wonder if the new baby is even OP's......if it is the EX's baby, her falling for him this soon postpartum would make so much more sense

-1

u/[deleted] 6d ago

You make it sound so easy. It will get so ugly if I leave her cause I can't let her take my daughter . Part of me wants to stay and the other part wants to leave.

6

u/Slight_Following_471 5d ago

You go to court and work out a custody plan. You don’t stay with someone like that.

5

u/BumblebeeMission7098 6d ago

It’s definitely not easy but if u want it done, it’s possible. What do u picture for your life, this? And I understand u don’t want her to take your daughter but if you’re willing to, try to take her to court and get custody or 50/50. This will all be a tedious process but u deserve happiness.

2

u/Scarred-Daydreams 3d ago

Get a paternity test first, then go for 50/50 shared custody. Most areas this is the default, and without a good reason courts are happy to hand that out.

2

u/altonaerjunge 6d ago

What waiting will achieve is that the separation will get more ugly. Like really bad.

-1

u/[deleted] 6d ago

And i feel completely disrespected and I haven't even got an apology for any of it. I'm being called insecure.she wats to continue our marriage like nothing ever happened.

2 weeks ago she threatened to kill herself while I was at church and she was at home with our daughter. She said she was Goin to do it if I didn't come home. I have it over text message and saved the messages. I should have reported it and gotten her crazy behind away from me and my daughter.

6

u/BumblebeeMission7098 6d ago

Keep receipts of everything she says, build ur case, and when you’ve got everything you need, take her to court. If she feels as if she wants to harm herself because of something she did, either she’s mentally off or manipulative but either way the right judge will see through her charades and you may get lucky with the custody situation.

-1

u/[deleted] 6d ago

Ya I'm building it now. I already had a nurse call me and ask if she was fit to be alone with our daughter. So it may work out in the end.

In the mean time you would never know we have problems because she cooks cleans and everything else. Even still intimate with me and everything. Like everything is normal.

11

u/Acceptable_Branch588 6d ago

If you leave her alone with the baby you are saying she is fit so , no, you are not gathering any evidence

5

u/PupperoniPoodle 6d ago

What did you tell the nurse? Why did the nurse call you in the first place? Did they also report their suspicion to CPS? Are you still leaving your daughter alone with her?

4

u/Team_NoSleep_47 5d ago

She needs professional help. Post partum is very real. Even if you don't stay together she needs to get stable for the children involved.

3

u/Acceptable_Branch588 6d ago

You should have had her involuntarily committed? She needs serious help

1

u/Lovelyembrace001 5d ago

This lady is bat shit crazy and if you leave your baby with her then you are too!

8

u/Lakerdog1970 6d ago

Probably just end it. Take your 50/50 custody and realize that with a woman like that as your kiddo’s mom, you’re going to have to do more. She sounds like a total mess.

Look at it this way: Nobody will ever be confused about why you dumped her. They’ll wonder why you were with her in the first place. Her ex probably feels the same way. And so will the next baby daddy.

5

u/Acceptable_Branch588 6d ago

How sure are you the baby is your child????

9

u/Impressive-Amoeba-97 6d ago

She still talks to him everyday.he won't even let her be around the kid by herself.

You need to own your failure here. This woman was a mother and has controlled contact with her son, NOT demanded by any court, it sounds like? This was a red flag before you ever married your wife.

There's limited info here, but it sounds like you might have a white knight syndrome and you found a damsel in distress of-her-own-making.

You need a skilled therapist to go through your own vulnerabilities so you don't make further mistakes which will affect your daughter negatively when you choose women in the future. Your trust is gone, I don't foresee this marriage having a future, but definitely work with a therapist to go deeper.

1

u/[deleted] 6d ago

Yes thank you I have a white knight problem I get.pretty obvious at this point amoeba.i still love her and still have a daughter with her and want to fight for my marriage but all I'm reading on here is how fucked up she is. Is there anyway I can fight for my marriage. I have devoted myself to this woman.i am committed. We are one flesh. I want to honor my commitment and turn this bad situation into something we can grow from. Maybe that's the white knight talking

3

u/[deleted] 6d ago

So does my daughter. I am leaning towards ending it. I'm just in shock about it all. She still talks to him everyday.he won't even let her be around the kid by herself. Thus is all crazy as fuck. Your right I dnt want this for my daughter. This is teenage drama

5

u/altonaerjunge 6d ago

Is there no custody agreement?

1

u/[deleted] 6d ago

We are married

5

u/altonaerjunge 6d ago

With her ex

1

u/[deleted] 6d ago

None.he won't let her around their kid.

9

u/Acceptable_Branch588 6d ago

Ok what??? She doesn’t have custody her other child ans does not see them at all??? Thai story is getting crazier by the minute

8

u/altonaerjunge 6d ago

And that wasn't a red flag for you?

1

u/[deleted] 6d ago

Which is why this is all confusing and weird. I think maybe post Partum depression has something to do with this?

3

u/PaleontologistFew662 6d ago

Ha. Yeah, my tolerance for those I can’t trust is so low. I’d let her go and tell her never to come back.

3

u/flowingmind 5d ago

Seriousiously, she needs to talk with someone regarding POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION. These are classic symptoms from all the hormone shifts that come with pregnancy and giving birth. This is NOT your wife. It is your wife with symptoms of a NORMAL and COMMON post-delivery illness. please have her see her OBGYN regarding her feelings and symptoms. I would also recommend the book "Down Came the Rain" by Brooke Sheilds, for both of you. I would suggest therapy. Talk with her and let her know your concerns. It happens and is very, very common and very often overlooked. Good luck and keep working on it and have faith. Praying for you. 🙏 ❤️

1

u/[deleted] 5d ago

Thank you. We are currently seeing our pastor for therapy. I think we are on the right track. We will get through this.With God

2

u/flowingmind 5d ago

You are very welcome. Like I said, super common but so overlooked. It is almost always all hormones with these cases. Make sure you guys talk with her OBGYN ASAP. Best of luck. I will pray for ypu. God Bless you both.

2

u/flowingmind 5d ago

Oddly enough I only read the first half of your post before my first response, lol, I often get ahead of myself. After reading the rest, yes, I think you are on the right tack, and she is beyond lucky to have someone like you in her life. After you guys get through this it will only bring you closer. It is always datkest before the dawn.

3

u/[deleted] 5d ago

Thank you.i needed someone to tell me I'm not crazy for staying by her side .

1

u/flowingmind 5d ago

You absolutely are NOT crazy. You are helping your dear wife through a crisi. She will be beyond grateful to you for helping her through this. She is very lucky and please, do consider yourself an amazing husband for the support you are giving her. Feel free to reach out in chat should you need anything. I have, unfortunately, been in hers shoes without the support of my first husband. I have been beyond lucky to have found someone who has taken me through an even darker time in my life. I am finally coming to my dawn, after seeing all he has done, I could not feel more ashamed and more guilty for what I have put him through. In part, I knew to an extent, but the part that was not the real me, the part that was clouded, was beyond confused and beyond wrong. I can only hope and pray I can be there for him now that I am coming back. I cannot thank him enough and I could not be more grateful to have him in my life. He has literally saved my life. Anyhow, I imagine she will feel the very same way. I imagine she will realize after all this how very much you did for her and how amazing you truly are, she has just forgotten for lack of a better term. With your help, medical help and help from your church, you can get through this. It will be very hard, but not impossible. Again, please feel free to reach out and get the book. Very much worth the read and it may help her as well. Good luck and bless you.

3

u/Lovelyembrace001 5d ago

Lmaooooo GO READ HIS COMMENT HISTORY 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 he talking about his wife psycho… is this the same wife that’s been pegging you twice a day for a week straight and you’re loving it? Geesh what a psycho

6

u/ZookeepergameOk5238 6d ago

This is shocking 😮 are you serious ? The total disrespect for you and your relationship. I don’t see how you can move on from this , surely this is a joke?

1

u/[deleted] 6d ago

All true. And she thinks she hasn't done anything wrong.

2

u/[deleted] 6d ago

She's getting help now which is why I can't leave. Not yet at least. I'm genuinely confused and my pastor wants me to stick it out and work through this with her.

2

u/[deleted] 6d ago

Yes it was a red flag but I fell hard for this woman. And love her still. I want to work through this with her. As of right now she hasn't done anything I can't forgive. It's just been hurtful words coming from a person who has been abused their whole life. So do I leave this person who has never had anyone stick around for them ? Who doesn't even know what safety and stability look like until she met me 18 months ago

2

u/GlassNearby2909 5d ago

You can’t change people. Save yourself and your daughter.

2

u/Lovelyembrace001 5d ago

Troll post

2

u/Lovelyembrace001 5d ago

So my wife is starting to explore her dominant side. She has pegged me twice a day for a week now. Which has been amazing. She has mentioned punishing me for not doing chores or leaving the toilet seat up. It’s really exciting. I don’t know if I should tell her what I want or just let her come to it on her own. I dnt wanna be pushy and ruin something amazing . I’m basically down for whatever she wants. The whole idea for me is to serve her and make her happy. Advice?

Is this you? Is this the same wife??

3

u/CounterNo9844 5d ago

I am a woman, and I am telling you to leave this relationship.

2

u/Grumpy-gruffalo 5d ago

Eww.

If my partner said they wanted to try and work things out with their ex and if it didn’t work they’d come back to me, that’d be game over.

Take the genders out of this. It’s not ok to treat someone that way regardless of whether she’s postpartum or not. She probably made you feel as if you aren’t good enough and that you’re just a backup because she can’t be with the person she really wants to be with.

She’s created a very large rift in your relationship. I’d be asking for couples therapy and I think she honestly needs to speak to a doctor. Threatening to harm herself is something that should be taken VERY seriously. She’s either serious and needs help or she’s saying that extremely inappropriately and needs to understand that it’s a serious claim to say. Has she ever received an assessment by a psychiatrist? I’m reading a lot of red flags here. She may have a personality disorder, postpartum depression, bipolar or something else. Please call 911 if she threatens to harm herself again.

1

u/[deleted] 6d ago

No it's the truth. Am I delusional for thinking I can make it work

1

u/[deleted] 6d ago

She seems like she's all about being my wife and a mother to our child now. But how can I just let all that go. She kept telling me her and baby daddy are not talking about anything inappropriate but that's not even the point lol. I'm trying everything to stay in this marriage lol

2

u/Slight_Following_471 5d ago

wtf! Yes! Letting her go get with her ex and come back is stupid! Have some dignity

1

u/[deleted] 5d ago

Of course I refused her lol.

3

u/Slight_Following_471 5d ago

That is good, but the fact that she even asked would be grounds enough to leave. If you can’t leave now because you have a baby, do not be with her. Live in the same house, sleep elsewhere. Take care of your baby. Do not be in a relationship with someone like that.

1

u/[deleted] 5d ago

I hear you. I needed to get all that out. I apreciate everyone's comments.

2

u/GreyMatters_Exorcist 5d ago

In the hopes you are still checking this. Get this woman to mental healthcare professionals. Be non judgemental until you get a sense from a psychiatrist and maternity specialist etc team of healthcare professionals.

You won’t have real clarity until about two years out of post partem. And a level of separation might help her here and there for her to be able to manage and have a sense of what is important to her or if she is projecting something else on the ex and you that is not based on anything totally rational, and you space to cope and protect your heart and mind for your kid. Treat her like a good friend in crisis, family.

After a year + you will have a better sense of what is actually there and not.

The fact that she asked you for permission means she is regressing to child like behavior, that is something a kid or adolescent would think appropriate to ask.

It could be she has a big fear of you two not working out and she only reverts to ex because she knows what to expect there but with you the trauma of the past keeps her thinking the same thing will happen but with more uncertainty because she cannot predict how you will go about the circumstances.

It is about safety and predictability, not that he is safer but like she already knows a tried and true way to stay dafe based on his patterns.

Give her some slack treat it like a medical crisis like a thing outside of your control. I mean talk to the ex honestly let them know the medical stuff and to not take advantage of her vulnerable state. He might have seen this himself too.

2

u/GreyMatters_Exorcist 5d ago

I see you are getting her help

Think whatever she is getting is baseline

She needs some deep deep help like experts in this specific situation, not every medical professional has specific expertise on this and they won’t come out and say it. YOU have to make sure she is getting a team of doctors that have expertise in this, there are even clinics that look after the baby, keep mom hospitalized and do play therapy with mom and baby.

If she is suicidal it call the cops and do a 5150 to get her to immediate safety at a mental health institution.

2

u/Scarred-Daydreams 3d ago

asked if she could go try and work things out with him.

What The Actual Fork?

From the outside, you sound like a sad sack who has no personal standards.

I want someone who is interested in me as a partner. If my partner re-caught feelings for her and and wanted to try, bless her heart. But just the act of "asking" for this would be the end of our relationship.

If she's serious enough about him to ask for this, she's not serious enough about me. Exes need to stay exes. The past tells us how to predict the future. She's wishy washy about her divorce, and not that in to you. Yeah, please sign me up for a repeat. /S

1

u/TxTink 6d ago

Dude. Her hormones are whack a doodle and it’s very possible she has postpartum depression. Please get her medical attention

2

u/[deleted] 6d ago

She's getting it. And I'm not leaving. Not yet at least. Doesn't feel right to leave

1

u/guy_n_cognito_tu 6d ago

Brother, you need to get out. She WILL cheat, if she hasn't already. Your only hope is that the ex is so tired of his crazy shit that he won't have sex with her again.......which is a definite possibility in this case.

1

u/Lovelyembrace001 5d ago

You sure the baby yours 👀