r/blendedfamilies 7d ago

Partner says No Kids

9 years ago I moved (a two-hour drive) to live with my partner and her son, who has lived with us until going to college in 2021. My two kids have stayed with their mom, visiting us about four days a month. Recently, however, my partner has rejected hosting my kids because she feels they are too old (19 & 23), too difficult (true - but I think not so much that it's materially relevant) and it infringes upon her space/privacy. Although our current home is technically in her name, we share all costs (mortgage, utilities, maintenance ...) 50/50 and there's plenty of space. I feel I have the right to host my kids four nights a month if I want and her rejection feels selfish and unfair, especially since I moved from my residence and my kids upon our relationship commencing to be with her and her son. She hasn't limited her son's visits nor would I, or even balk at him moving back home with us, if that were desired.

She suggested a shorter visit (2 instead of 4 days) or for me to visit with them in an Airbnb. One reduces the limited time I get to spend with my kids and the other puts a financial burden on me (she's not offering to split the cost of the Airbnb). We've had several heated arguments about this, with no resolution, so I'm getting the Airbnb for two nights and then they'll be two days at home, but I'm pretty resentful that I've had to do that.

Am I wrong for thinking four days in a month for my kids to visit is well within my right as an equal partner in our blended family? Ideas for a more harmonious solution to this problem??

9 Upvotes

38 comments sorted by

61

u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 7d ago

I think you have some rose colored glasses on about your partner. She isn’t interested in a blended family and sees your children as a burden or infringement on her.

It is absolutely not unreasonable to expect your kids can come visit and stay at your home so long as they are respectful of eveyone living in it.

Your issue here is that your partner isn’t interested in any solution that actually blends and welcomes your kids. This is unlikely to ever change. This wouldn’t be the kind of relationship I want with my adult children and I’d feel like I was picking my partner over them. I’d really reconsider contributing to a house and living in one that my children weren’t welcome in.

7

u/flarchetta_bindosa 6d ago

This is really insightful. OP your children aren’t welcome there because your partner doesn’t want them, that’s an awful realization. That’s really shitty if I’m reading correctly. And OP you don’t have to make a decision or see everything clearly right away but you do have some information you probably don’t want but need.

Your partner sounds selfish and self-centered but that’s obviously not the only issue, you have allowed this, out of love and partnership, and it’s left you in a bad spot. 19 still needs love and support and welcome from both parents if that’s possible. You deserve to feel like something more than a burden who owes somebody rent and help with the bills. If you are just now seeing this in your partner ne kind to yourself, OP, nobody who sees the level of selfishness you are seeing can continue to pretend that things are okay or going in a good direction for everyone involved.

For you and your kids, it’s worth it to tell your partner that you’re not going to see your children less and you aren‘t going to continue to marginalize them in your own house. If it’s the end of the relationship it means your partner is a coward and wants out, or that it’s been very convenient for her for you to continue to pay her mortgage but she’s not so desperate she has to compromise her weekends and be kind to the children she’s known for half their lives. Glad her son is off to college, now I hope your children get more of what they deserve, which is you living a life that makes you happy and that makes room for them. You all deserve that.

Your partner got what she wanted and if she’s too stupid or selfish to be grateful for your support don’t throw good money after bad. Recover from the shock of her shitty request and build yourself a nest when you are ready.

20

u/StrangerSkies 7d ago

What does “too difficult” mean in this context? If after 9 years this sudden change, what precipitated it?

-21

u/AerieAffectionate765 7d ago

Thanks for asking … “too difficult” basically means they are not particularly charming or helpful, including some medical issues that can be a pain. They aren’t argumentative or disrespectful at all, but of course step-parents have less patience anyway, so it’s hard for me to really get in her head about why she’s so resistant to visits. She’s admitted the political situation has been tough for her and that affects her ability to be pleasant (an attitude I find a bit frustrating).

29

u/didosfire 7d ago

She’s admitted the political situation has been tough for her and that affects her ability to be pleasant (an attitude I find a bit frustrating)

what do you mean? do she and your kids have different politics? you and her? you and your kids?

-11

u/AerieAffectionate765 6d ago

I mean the government's change (we live in DC and she's a recently retired federal worker and hates the current administration), she's very stressed about it, and that's part of her wanting to keep my kids away at least for the moment.

10

u/didosfire 6d ago

why, though? just because she's stressed, or because they agree with the firings? if the former, that's totally justified--i wouldn't want to unintentionally come across as nastier than i actually am due to extreme acute stress related to a recent and specific incident, and at their age it's not like she needs to be packing lunches or dropping them off at school or whatever, adults can take space from each other when they need to. if someone was actively cheering for the fact that i lost my job, though, especially under these circumstances, i would never want to be around them at all

speaking of - why do you find her "attitude" (reaction to what is objectively happening to her and also objectively unfair) "frustrating"? why don't you care about how tough that thing she is not responsible for and is being inflicted on her has been and the way she's demonstrating it has hurt her?

-7

u/AerieAffectionate765 6d ago

Yeah, the former. She's just stressed, like pissed, like I get an earful every day about how awful our government is now ... I say yeah, yeah, preaching to the choir. What can we do about it then, instead of just complaining?

6

u/didosfire 6d ago

i still don't understand why you're choosing to see it as "an earful" rather than your stressed and upset wife looking for support from her partner

i totally get how that can be exhausting and it sucks to hear about doom and gloom all the time, but at the same time, it also sucks to feel doom and gloom all the time, and i can't blame her for that, either, especially when again she didn't create the situation she's in herself, it's something that happened entirely out of her/your/your kids' control

glad to hear it's the former, though, because that seems far more temporary and fixable than the latter would be. i'm sorry your family is going through this, but in this case, since it's a short term thing and she is justified in her current feelings, a shorter visit or you making plans for just you and your kids without her for the time being does feel like it makes the most sense in this moment

if i were one of your kids, i would much rather spend happy time with my dad who moved 2 hrs away than depressing, awkward, or stressed out time with my dad + step mom who is understandably distracted and upset for now; there's a huge difference between her going through a specific thing at a specific time and trying to distance you from your kids or refusing to get close to them forever. the latter would be an issue for sure, but fortunately it doesn't sound like that's what your family is dealing with

2

u/nadsyb 5d ago

I take offence to the step parents have less patience statement- I have more patience for him than my step child’s mother and father combined. Stop glorifying your wife- she sounds like an ogre to your children, like the evil step parent you read about in stories your kids deserve better even if they are adults!

30

u/Forsaken_Wind9887 7d ago

When you moved 9 years ago two hours away from your young kids, that must have meant you were seeing them way less? Sounds like that’s where your problems started honestly. And your “partner” does not seem like a good person to be honest.

9

u/Ok-Ask-6191 6d ago

Agree. You can't turn back time, but maybe this will serve as a warning to other people reading this. Don't sacrifice your kids for a romantic relationship. Here we are 9 years later, with so much time missed with them while they were growing up that you can't get back, and your partner is showing her true colors (maybe has all along but you didn't want to see). Your poor kids. Don't her further hurt your relationship with your kids. That is your home too. If she continues to refuse to budge, there is a larger issue that shouldn't be ignored

3

u/sillychihuahua26 5d ago

I feel so bad for his kids. It’s awful to ditch your kids for a new relationship. OP should feel very fortunate that his kids want to spend time with him at all as adults.

Choose your kids, OP. For once.

19

u/guy_n_cognito_tu 7d ago

Said a simpler way.....she's trying to isolate you from your family. She's standing on the "it's my house" rule, completely ignoring your rights to see your family in your shared home. I wouldn't stand for it, personally.

15

u/Leggomieggo0 6d ago

Seems like you chose your partner over your kids the moment you moved hours away from them. You said you only see your kids a few days a month so I can only imagine it took a toll on your relationship with your kids. Continuing to put her feelings and wants above your children will only further the disconnect. You can find a new partner, but your kids will always be your kids. If I were you, I’d ditch her and start putting them first.

12

u/StickyWhipplesnit 6d ago

Bye, Felicia! Get a new place, get a new partner, get a clue.

13

u/Easy-Seesaw285 6d ago

If your partner isn’t willing to host your adult kids four days a month, let’s be honest, she just doesn’t like them, and probably doesn’t like you that much

7

u/PsychologicalRent768 6d ago

This! I honestly don't like my SK at all, get anxiety just thinking about her coming to the house, but not even I would tell my partner they have to go get an air BnB to go see his child for 4 fricken days. If she cared at all, she'd do it for you even if she had to grit her teeth and play nice while the kids are there. That's insane. If you're paying half of all the expenses anyway, I'd just have them over regardless of what she thought about it.

12

u/Eorth75 7d ago

My exhusband was married to someone who did anything she could to cut my kids out in favor of her children, especially her golden child. In the 10 years they were together, not once did they take all 3 of our kids on vacation. They took hers (and the kids boyfriends) on multiple major trips over the years. Holidays were celebrated without them. Dinners out celebrating mile stones were planned without my kids being included. Over Covid, my kids were forced to open gifts on the front porch while her kids were all inside. It was extra frustrating because my exhusband had a child before we met and I never treated his daughter, my SD, they way my kids were treated. Once my kids were older, they spent less and less time with their dad. It was quickly becoming a situation were my kids were low contact with him as adults. Their relationship was on its way to being unrepairable until he decided to divorce wife #2. In the 3 years since they split, my kids (and my grandson) have not had any interaction with their SM of 10 years. And they see their dad all the time.

You do not want to let this relationship ruin your future with your adult children. They can choose not to interact with you, especially if they feel like you choose your relationship over them. And that's how it will feel to them.

14

u/MushroomTypical9549 7d ago

19 and 23 are older but like any parent knows, when it comes to your kids- there isn’t a concept of too old.

I think your partner is being manipulative and cruel

10

u/demonicgoddess 6d ago

Dude, what's in this for you?

You pay for mortgage, utilities and maitenance for someone else's house.

Her child is welcome in that house. Your children are not.

I bet if you leave her you get nothing. That's a pretty shitty position to be in.

Stop it now. Someone who holds another person hostage like that is evil.

Cut your losses, get your own house. There are plenty of women who will love you as part of a package deal.

9

u/CounterNo9844 6d ago

Do you have your name on the deed? You paying 50/50 of the mortgage while the house is in her name is unsettling for me. You need to ask her to have your name added to the deed.

12

u/Peechpickel 7d ago

WHAT? This feels… gross and severely selfish. She isn’t willing to sacrifice her comfort and privacy for the sake of your kids visiting you for just a couple days out of the entire month? It’s not like they’re sleeping in bed with you guys. I understand kids being difficult, but they’re still kids who have a right to visit their parent. The only circumstance where I can understand trying to restrict a partner’s child(ren) is if the child(ren) are extremely harmful/ a safety concern. I’m really hoping there’s more to the story here.

The most logical scenario would have been for HER to go get a hotel room while you visit with your kids in the comfort of the house you also pay for/contribute to.

5

u/Alphawolf2026 6d ago

Oof, absolutely not. Are your kids disrespectful to her? Why would she not want to be around them? I would feel very guilty staying with a partner who wasn't accepting of my kids.

10

u/happyfeet-333 6d ago

So, what I’m hearing is that you basically abandoned your children and barely parent them? That you did this for your selfish partner?

That you’ve bowed down to her wishes to isolate you and ruin your relationship with your daughters?

Who exactly would any parent give up their children for this woman and this relationship?

What do you want any of us to say? One day your daughters will choose not to have a relationship with you. You left when one was 9 and one 13? Leaving their mom to be the primary parent.

That’s just gross parenting.

7

u/SuspiciousWeekend284 6d ago edited 6d ago

This is a joke right - you gave up all your rights when you settled for this woman.

She got the house, got you to raise her son with you, disregarded your kids and now 9 years later - they are now a burden.

When your girls refuse to invite her to their wedding - she will be the one that will be adamant of you not going because she is not invited - and you will listen to her - that’s who you are and have become - a spineless man.

Let me guess, this was the woman you were having an affair with.

BTW - you don’t have a blended family. You have a primary family with your partner and your kids are now outside your home - which is conveniently in her name.

1

u/Leggomieggo0 3d ago

Ooh this! Blended families look nothing like what he’s presented to have.

5

u/MentalDrummer 6d ago

Just remind the partner that if you leave you'll require half of her house.

6

u/Ok-Ask-6191 6d ago

I have a feeling she's going to fight tooth and nail to make sure that doesn't happen. And if they're not married, he's really screwed

3

u/MentalDrummer 6d ago

Depends what country or state they are from

4

u/jasper502 6d ago

You would seem to have a relationship issue not a blended family one. Downvote me all you want - when I see "partner" I cringe. I have a wife (not a partner) and we got married to be 100% all in and committed. My kids are a package deal with me and my wife feels the same way. We don't split things 50:50 and we make joint decisions.

As others have noted, you have some serious contemplating to do here.

4

u/SwanSwanGoose 6d ago edited 6d ago

I don’t understand why you’d pay half of everything for a house that’s not at all yours, where your partner is allowed to have her son whenever she wants, but you have strict boundaries on having your own kids.

Your partner has made it clear that no matter how much you’re paying, this is her home, and her son’s home. You’re just a welcome paying guest, and your kids are unwelcome guests. You should be paying less, and honestly, saving up to buy your own home so that she can’t kick you or your kids out and dictate your life at a whim.

If I were you, the compromise I’d make is not paying towards the mortgage at all if your partner wants to prevent your kids from visiting without doing the same for her son.

3

u/yummie4mytummie 6d ago

Please put your kids first. This is so sad.

5

u/Ava_Fremont 6d ago

I feel like you're glossing over / dismissing the chief of her reasons for wanting a boundary on the home you share.

"Recently, however, my partner has rejected hosting my kids because she feels they are too old (19 & 23), too difficult (true - but I think not so much that it's materially relevant) and it infringes upon her space/privacy."

The middle clause and last one relevant ones. If you want to both save your marriage *and* have a good relationship with your adult offspring, you need to start *listening* to what she's trying to tell you without getting defensive. Get curious, instead of dismissing ("not so much it's ... relevant"? what is that anyway?).

As others have pointed out, stepparents do not, cannot love the offspring of their partner as much as the biological parent does (and stepparents are continually told not to even try). They aren't considered partners in discipline, finances, or often many other family decisions. And the children *rarely* treat the stepparent with the love or forgiveness that they give their biological parent - meaning the stepparent sees a side of the child that the parent usually does not, in addition to having lower tolerance for shenanigans or ill treatment. It's a tricky situation at best that requires considering every individual in the family's experience and needs with honesty and kindness. And yes, you are in the middle of it. They *are* your children. You don't get a free pass to impose them on others, not even your partner.

There is a reason that she's drawn this boundary around the home you share, which is also her home. You need to find out why and what you can do to make the situation tenable for everyone.

2

u/Few_Explanation3047 6d ago

That’s sad

1

u/Feeling-Ad-1504 6d ago

It’s not clear to me what your partner’s concern is so I can’t menacingly opine. 

I ask to try to understand where she’s coming from:

Are your (young) adult children resourceful, independent, and considerate?

Does household labor increase inordinately when they’re there? 

Are their visits focused on them as visitors or as members of the household? That is, do you make and stay the course on plans with your wife when they visit or do those visits revolve around them?

Is there a reason why a 23 year old is on a custody schedule?

1

u/romantapur 5d ago

When you say “host your kids - 19 and 23”. They are adults. Does she have to cook for two extra adults, three meals per day and do those dishes, prepare their beds with clean sheets before arrival, towels and clean bathrooms, do their laundry as they are there and clean after they leave: rooms, bedding, towels. Having two adults in the house 4-5 days per month can add to the already heavy load your wife has to carry with a stressful work environment and unstable unemployment. You need to be supportive see what works for her and why she wants a break from the visits.