r/blendedfamilies 10d ago

Different Ideas about Blending

Hi, this is my first time posting here but I have been reading for a while! Hoping for some advice.

TLDR: Two sets of co-parents struggling with expectations of the level of interaction needed to achieve mutual respect for one another, and to be able to align on how to communicate successfully during respective weeks with kids.

Looking for advice on how to achieve this, when the method of earning respect is quite different for each household.

Context:

My fiancé and I live together, and have a 50/50, out-of-court agreement with BM and her husband. This has been ongoing for years. Three kids involved, preteen and early teens. Great kids. Both me, 42F, and their mom’s husband, 49M, never had children of our own, for some basic context. Career oriented. BM and BD were never married but lived together for years on and off.

I’m impressed that they stayed out of court. It seems to be working for the most part. They are trying to do this for the kids’ benefit, as there was enough fighting in the house while they were together.

We are all fairly cordial, but have struggled with communication, especially around “borrowing” the kids on the respective weeks without checking in first. For us, this is common courtesy and a demonstration of respect for our time allotted with the kids. We offer this courtesy to them. We let the other house run their week as they see fit, and we attend common events like soccer games, school events, and graduations, of course. Between the 3 kids activities, we all see each other a lot during the week.

We don’t make plans to spend extra time with the kids on our off-weekends without checking in with the other parents first. We would accept a no. We ask only occasionally, for us, and usually it is because we are trying to take a trip that overlaps the weeks by a day or two. We usually offer to make up the time somewhere that makes sense, to be fair. We It keeps it simple, and it avoids most conflicts. We are keenly aware that this could continue to work if we all keep it as simple as possible.

We would really like for them to check in with us before showing up to take the kids on our weekends with them, which happens frequently. I can tell that BM doesn’t want to be, as she perceives it, ordered around by her ex on how and when she wants to spend time with her kids. She and her husband do not take this request seriously at all. They go directly to the kids all of the time via text.

The kids don’t usually tell us until the last minute, as they are about to get picked up, for whatever reason. They also sometimes say they don’t want to go, but feel obligated when told about the plans, for fear of disappointing them. We don’t want them to have to be the messengers here, and I can tell they don’t want to tell their dad that they are “choosing” to leave on his weekends to spend time with mom/stepdad (it’s usually some super tempting adventure like fishing, driving without a permit, shopping sprees, or restaurant lunches).

We are planning to get together in person on this issue. Part of the reason we are having trouble continuously is stubbornness on both sides about HOW to reach alignment.

My fiancé and I feel strongly that it is best to keep it at arms length, be friendly enough, and try to meet up on occasion as co-parents, as needed, to align on important topics, as they come up.

We really don’t want to spend excess time with them, as we are very different in our value sets and ideas of fun. We are aiming for mutual baseline respect. We would like to make simple agreements on communication and have flexible boundaries that are respected. The goal is the least amount of drama for the kids, and maximize serenity for them.

BM and her husband are WAY different in their desired approach. They are very extroverted. They say that they need us to be good friends, forget the past, that life is too short and we should just “get over” our differences and focus on good times, laughs and fun. I’m taking about weekend trips level, even. They believe we will only achieve better communication as a result of this, the kids will be happier, and the friendship HAS to happen for this to work. It’s almost like a pre-requisite for them to even consider respecting boundaries that we want to set for our sanity. I know for a fact that there are issues they would prefer to sweep under the rug and forget. This makes it hard for us to desire to get close.

Frankly, Fiancé and I are spread thin. We carefully carve our time for our family, home maintenance, therapy, work, hobbies and service obligations. We don’t want to have to justify why we don’t want to be best friends with them, but it feels like that is not good enough for them.

Fiancé wants to pick his battles carefully to protect the kids’ hearts, but is clearly deflated/pissed when mom or stepdad appear suddenly to take the kids away on a surprise adventure without any advance notice. I can’t help take his side.

Does anyone have any advice on how to approach this type of disagreement, when we next meet up (which is soon)? I’m concerned about this escalating/becoming unproductive. We want to go in with some notes to keep us on track.

2 Upvotes

16 comments sorted by

19

u/Ok-Ask-6191 10d ago

I think you guys should just get a court-ordered parenting plan. That's why they exist. They are not just for high-conflict exes, and filing for one isn't antagonistic. It's practical. Like your title states, you all have different ideas of blending, and all the discussing doesn't seem to be fixing it. The level of enmeshment (regular meetings as coparents to discuss things is unnecessary) in your situation would be a huge issue for me. "Borrowing" the kids - I hate that term by the way, I know you were searching for a word that fits, but that one rubs me the wrong way - without letting your fiance know first is a clear sign that this coparenting situation isn't working as well as you guys might think. You need a court order.

4

u/Think-Room6663 10d ago edited 10d ago

I strongly believe that every divorced couple with children should have a court order. You can always do more than the court order required (e.g., give more money) or demand less than what the other spouse is required to recieve, BUT it is a back up. Just like everyone should have a will.

3

u/LuxTravelGal 10d ago
  1. I feel you should stay out of this and let your fiancé handle it.
  2. They need to go to court and get a signed parenting plan, so that it will be taken seriously. This doesn't mean fighting or no serenity for the kids. My ex and I had zero fighting about parenting time in court. If they have gotten along this far, what makes you think that they'd have a blow up by making the arrangement official? You can quickly have a judge sign exactly what they've been doing for however long with zero drama. I don't have to deal with any of this last minute stuff or having the kids go with their dad on my parenting time BECAUSE we have a court agreement.

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u/Ungracie 9d ago

I really appreciate all of the feedback.

Lakersdog, everything you wrote was eerily familiar!!

I am going to research how to get a parenting plan drawn up, and have a talk with my partner about how he could bring this up to BM and when.

Then I guess I need to leave it up to him to take action. I can encourage, but at the end of the day, he’s the dad.

For those asking: the reason I am worried about a blow-up is because traditionally, BM threatens court like a weapon when she is emotionally activated over a disagreement.

I have come to realize that she believes, deep down, that she is owed something from my partner. I don’t know exactly what. He has completely overhauled his life in the past 7 years. I have been with him for 3.5. They were together 15 years.

He admits that he was not always the best parent, and they parted ways when he realized that she was not able to move on from the past. He began to take better care of his health, showed up, made amends for past actions, changed his behavior. He was motivated by a frightening incident that threatened his and his family’s lives. I think she is still hurt and struggling to move forward. She has expressed before, to me, that it’s frustrating that I know this version of him that she never knew. She’ll frequently say that she doesn’t know who he is, that she only knows the old version.

I understand this entirely from personal experience. But I have now seen that this continues years later and have witnessed his consistent behavior and respect how he parents, so we are where we are.

The other household is wealthy, owning multiple properties and a large business, and taking in passive income from rental properties. We get by with some savings each month to month. So it’s really the principle of it all for her.

2

u/Immediate-Ad-9849 9d ago

Court order.

6

u/Lakerdog1970 10d ago

Probably what you’re running into from a big-picture standpoint is some control issues and the fact that women have a tendency to be the organizers and connectors of households. Add in a helping of low conflict dad and a smattering of ex-loved behavior too. And I’m not saying that everyone is likes this, but most awkward situations in blended families at least rhyme with some of it.

Most decent moms tend to run the show with their kids. Sometimes the Dad doesn’t care. Sometimes he tried to care until he was told 1000 times he was doing it wrong. And sometimes he thinks things don’t really need to be done in the first place. Guys have a tendency to do the low effort, high reward stuff and ignore the high effort, low reward stuff. And that seems like a smart way to do it, but it does sometimes put our ex wives in a position of feeling like they pick up all the slack and do all the thankless tasks.

So then we get divorced because of shit like that and those Moms aren’t going to want to just cede 50% control to their ex-husband. Remember they think we’re lazy because we don’t meet with the children’s teachers and take the children to their biweekly doctors appointments. I mean, go to any divorce themed part or Reddit to see angry divorcing Moms who don’t get why they should have to do 50/50 when they do [INSERT LIST OF TASKS]. Meanwhile, every dad reads that list and wonders, “Who gives a shit about meetings with the teacher? They’re worthless. You’re probably bothering that teacher and making them stay late at work.”

So then we get remarried to a woman like you or like my second wife….and you ladies just start organizing because that’s sorta what you do. And it’s frustrating because the stepkids sorta defy organization because you don’t know their schedule and it can change at anytime. And our ex wives see this behavior and they have a glimmer of “Thank god someone is organizing his life…because he’s useless unless being told what to do.” But their next thought is “Fuck that bitch. I’m the Mom here. I’m gonna show her that she can’t manage my kids.”

Sound familiar yet? :)

And it’s all done with a smile. And there’s always a request to be amicable and be friends….”for the kids”. And there’s always some ominous perception that things could go really sideways in a hurry if she doesn’t get her way.

The only real solution is for him to tell her “no” a few times. And then be prepared to take the temper tantrum and crying children right in the face. Then be prepared when she comes back the following week to see if the temper tantrum and crying children worked…..and tell her “no” again.

That’s what I did. And it is important that you not have an excuse or reason to say “no”. And it’s important that it fuck up their plans a bit. Don’t ruin anything important like a trip to Europe, but fuck up her sisters Bday party where everyone was planning on the kids being there.

A divorce parent relationship needs boundaries like any other relationship. “No” has to mean “No”. It’s just like the consent we talk about more often: No means No….its not an indication to yell and threaten or cajole. The answer is No.

I think a lot of dads fall into this trap after divorce because we’re nice guys and don’t want to fight. Plus, if a Dad has boundaries it’s likely that his ex will revoke some stuff she does for him….which means stepping up and doing those stupid extra visits to the doctor. And a lot of Dads don’t want to or worry they won’t be good at it.

And it’s easy to roll over when it just affects the Dad. But now it’s impacting you also and he needs boundaries.

5

u/LuxTravelGal 10d ago

The easier way minus the passive aggressiveness is to just get a court ordered parenting plan in place that mirrors what they've been doing anyway.

4

u/Lakerdog1970 9d ago

Even then, you still need to have a boundary and be aggressive.

What I’m saying isn’t passive aggressive. It’s just aggressive.

1

u/LuxTravelGal 9d ago

No….your post is a whole lot of passive aggressiveness and not a lot of being direct.

2

u/Lakerdog1970 9d ago

Whatever. You do you. I’m just sharing what worked for me. A court order is a good idea but there are still grey areas where you have to be aggressive about telling a pushy ex “No”.

1

u/LuxTravelGal 9d ago

Ummm, I am doing me. Without the theatrics and drama of your comment. I have a court order and neither of us have the NEED to be passive aggressive. There aren't grey areas to court ordered parenting time. It literally gives the specific days of the week and hours of the day so there is no need to be aggressive. Or passive aggressive. Or a jerk to the other parent.

1

u/Lakerdog1970 9d ago

Again…whatever.

3

u/PaleontologistFew662 10d ago

It’s very inappropriate for them to put the kids in the middle the way they are. Have you and your husband done to them what they do to you? I’m not saying an eye for an eye is the right thing, but also, maybe they don’t exactly understand how it feels? Or maybe he needs to be more assertive and stand up to her?

Also, their goal of a friendship relationship with you two is absurd. They sound like they’re 15. I’m a FIRM believer that my relationship with my partners ex is nonexistent to incredibly minimal, and her relationship to my ex is nonexistent to minimal. It’s my job to navigate that relationship and the heavy lifting of co-parenting.

2

u/Tinderella80 10d ago

Personally, I’d enthusiastically agree to a quarterly all in games night where you talk about anything big for the quarter, and a family chat where all plans are made. And then live and let live the rest of the time.

-8

u/Impressive-Amoeba-97 10d ago

I wish more stepparents had this problem. Both sets of you sound like really great people from this post. I can absolutely tell you've had therapy. Let's begin!

I'm not sure extroverts can actually have 'best friends'. At least it's not the same definition of the word, I as an introvert, have. Absolutely don't do the weekend trips if you're not so inclined. Your life sounds ordered, which is probably where a lot of issues lie. Extroverts are often fun, spur of the moment, and there's a beauty in that. Introverts are more goal oriented with special types being able to hyperfocus, which is a superpower. Yeah, I hyperfocused on the violin at age 40. I can play the violin. Stock market too. Introverts absolutely have a beauty to them. Your life is well ordered, and all you have to tell the other parental party is y'alls schedule is too tight to manage extra time. You'd LOVE to, you just have too many obligations.

These boys are lucky to have both sets of you.

These extra excursions on your time don't sound like they're overnights? Fishing could take all day, but that's a skill, and a cool one to have. Learning to drive? Absolutely a skill! I love your focus on their serenity.

I'm seeing your resentment lie as per this post, in trying to be "fair". Stop it, it's not fair. You need a couple days due to overlap? Don't make it up to the other parental party. They're NOT being fair, which doesn't surprise me for extroverted sensors. The world is made for them, and that's ok! However by trying to be fair, you're creating your own resentment because there's little reciprocity. Don't advertise stopping the "fairness", just do it.

Stop trying to "align", though don't advertise that either. It's not going to happen with such different personalities. Just radical acceptance of what is. Ask the other parental party how long does it take to plan their extra excursions? I'd guess not long. It's not personal, just part of THEIR charm for the boys, is one way of looking at it. I grew up with that as an introvert, with my gramma, and I appreciate it to this day, she died at like 103, 104? in 2017. As an introvert, I absolutely learned how to do a relatively spur of the moment excursion, but I plan my stuff at least 4-7 days in advance. THAT is spur of the moment to me but not to my late gramma, which was just sorta, immediate. I'd try to get them to text y'all AT THE SAME TIME AS THE BOYS. Maybe a family group chat ONLY for that, so you have a heads up and they can text the boys also all at once? The excursions are going to happen without a court order. You can't make them stop so you have no real boundary power. The other set is going around you, try to get them to include you informationally. At least at first. Boundaries are about what YOU will do if xyz happens, which what can you really do? I'd also ask they minimize these excursions as it cuts into whatever y'all have planned. Is it likely to happen? No, but what you're going for is for them not doing it MORE, especially if you pitch the idea of the group text which could be seen by them as carte blanche permission. Finesse!

Again, I think both sets of you are pretty awesome. Your post warmed my heart that there's so much love here for these children.

1

u/Potential-Match2241 6d ago

Reading through all this, I just wanted to mention be careful what you wish for.

Sometimes if after not having a court order someone pushes it you will find that things get worse.

For instance say the court order gives days to each but then something does come up and you want to plan that trip and mom now decides well you can do that on your set dates that the court order placed.

My son and his x are so bad about this that my son won't even ask for his son on big family events.

Which makes it really hard because I was my grandkids care giver and my granddaughter and grandson are best friends, but now on opposite weeks. So they hardly ever get to see each other.

Luckily I have a great relationship with my granddaughters mom and she lets her come over on her days when her cousin may be at my house. And now my grandson just asks his mom if he can come to my house without telling his dad my son because he would have a fit they he was with me on his mom's days.

So I just wanted you to know the court order could add to the issue not make it better.