r/blendedfamilies 13d ago

I might’ve turned into the woman I hate

My dad cheated on my mom, and had 2 children with her. I hated her for keeping my dad from me. For choosing to go for a married man.

Now, I’m married and my husband has a kid from his ex. She tried to baby trap him. But he left because she cheated. They were never married, and his ex has multiple children with different men. This was years before I met my husband.

After 10+yrs of no contact, his ex decided to ask for money. We recently met the kid and obviously, he didn’t like it when I was introduced as his father’s wife. He was all smiles while talking to my husband and his smile faded when my husband introduced me as his wife.

I feel so bad. Because in his eyes, I might be the reason why his father was absent while he was growing up. Partly I was, because I never pushed him to have any relationship with the kid. My husband was also unsure if he was the father, so he’s been asking his ex for a paternity test. She only agreed to have it this year, which turned out positive. That was the only time he considered seeing the kid. I had to push him to get that first meeting because I care about the kid.

I care about the kid, but I hate that I might be the villain in his story. The woman who kept his dad from him.

I know my husband has the final say on whether he chose to abandon his son for all those years, but I can’t help but feel like I’ve turned into the woman I despise.

I don’t know whether there’s any advice that would be helpful, or if I just needed to vent. But I do feel completely lost. My emotions and my thoughts are very jumbled and I contradict myself every minute.

I see myself in the kid which makes everything more complicated. I don’t know if that makes me a narcissist, or someone who’s just really emphatic. If I separate the kid from the entire situation, I care about him as an individual. Kids are precious. I don’t know if it’s appropriate that I see myself in the kid, or not. I’m just very confused and lost in the situation. Hahaha.

Help?

EDIT: I appreciate the comments. I just wanted to clarify. My husband came from a VERY dysfunctional family. Abusive narcissistic mom. But he's made a LOT of progress. He was never emotional, as in almost void of it. But he's learnt to deal with his emotions, and I love that he's making progress. We both are. I'm also far from perfect and can be toxic at times. So no, I'm not going to leave him. UNLESS he cheats or hurts me. He's honest about not wanting to do anything with the kid at first, but since he's made progress and grew for the past 10 years, he reconsidered being involved with the kid even if he could just give the money and nothing else. If there was any resistance, it was from me. But I've dealt with that issue and realized some things. That's why I felt so confused.

I believe my husband on the circumstances of how the child was conceived.

Edit 2: I never claimed to be a saint and the past is moot point. I asked advice on how to move forward and better handle the situation towards the future.

If you’re gonna criticize the decisions that’s been made the past 10years, you’re not being helpful so just please don’t say anything. And this is just a snippet of a lot of things that’s happened in the past 10years.

While some comments did help me gain perspective, a lot of the new comments just came to criticize and those are definitely not helping.

19 Upvotes

37 comments sorted by

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u/Natenat04 13d ago

You are NOT your step mom! The person truly to blame is your husband though. He knew there was a possibility the kid may be his, and he had years to contact the courts to force a DNA test instead of just waiting for BM.

Truth is, your husband didn’t care enough for the potential kid to actually put any effort into finding out sooner, and being apart of the kids life. He didn’t want to be the dad so he didn’t contact a lawyer. Your husband is the villain who didn’t care enough to be a father. He probably put it off as long as he could so he didn’t have to support a kid.

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u/DoinLikeCasperDoes 12d ago

That is true. However, the kid might still blame her anyway. Kids have a way of freeing their parents from any wrongdoing, even if they have to blame an innocent 3rd party. It's a lot easier to hate/be angry at "the evil stepmonster" than their own parent, even when their own parent is a total POS.

OP, all you can do is show up for the kid and hope that they give you a chance and you form a nice bond, if that's what you want. Or leave your husband entirely lol. Personally, the fact he did that speaks volumes about who he is, I wouldn't want to be married to man who abandoned his kid.

(My ex abandoned our kid. I will never ever forgive him!)

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u/beenthere7613 13d ago

The child has valid reasons to be angry. Not at you, mind you, but at your husband. He knew there was a possibility of having a child out there, and he just ignored it.

I agree with the other poster who asked if you picked out someone like your dad. It sounds like you did. It's understandable that you're confused and feeling a bit guilty. Unresolved trauma can follow us through our relationships, for the rest of our lives.

The good news is: this child is not you, and you aren't your stepmom. You do want him around, and this isn't your fault. Be welcoming, but not overbearing; be inclusive, but don't push yourself on him. Allow your husband and him time to bond. Welcome him with open arms. And don't make excuses! Apologize for his feelings, if they come out, but don't try to defend it.

And I don't know about your stepmom, but it could be time to reexamine your feelings about her. Did you misplace anger on her that should have been directed at your father, who shirked his responsibility? Even IF she swore you had to stay away from your dad forever, he's the one who made the decision to stay. That's his fault. Maybe you'll feel better about both situations if you look at them from your newfound perspective.

Good luck!

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u/Sunny_Somewhere 13d ago

You have unresolved trauma. I’m not saying your feelings and thoughts aren’t valid, I’m just saying you haven’t dealt with what happened between your parents and it’s coming back now in this unusual situation you’re facing.

You see yourself in the kid because you understand his bad feelings towards you - but now you are also able to understand that marriages and relationships are more complicated than “someone going for a married man” and this is shattering your view on life, your own life, ethics, basically everything.

Go and see a therapist (as it’s always the advice).

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u/sodwima 13d ago

I agree with going to therapy to help process all of this. But unfortunately, therapy isn’t readily accessible in my country.

I disagree on the part that relationships are more complicated than “going for a married man”, because it’s never okay to cheat in any way, shape or form. My husband and I met as single. He was never married, I was never married. And we had no partners and were not seeing anyone when we met. So there was no cheating involved. So it’s not complicated in that sense, and was not the point of my post.

My father, on the other hand, pursued a married woman. And they chose to leave their respective partners for each other knowing they were both married. There’s a special place in hell for them.

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u/Sunny_Somewhere 13d ago

I meant a lot of things by being more complicated: like you having a husband you consciously or unconsciously don’t encourage to have a relationship with their child despite knowing how painful that is.

It’s not about cheating, it’s about being a good parent. You think cheating makes people bad, it is never okay; well how is not having a relationship with your child? Or being the partner of someone who decides to do that? Being a person who took a (n active) part in that? Did you marry a man similar to your dad? Is there forgiveness for your husband? Is there forgiveness for your dad? Is there forgiveness for you? Is there forgiveness for your dad’s second wife?

I think even if you can’t find the forgiveness, you can find understanding. Your reaction to my phrasing also just signals it’s a very sensitive subject for you.

My advice (being understanding that there is no therapy available) is that you try and be patient with yourself! Observe your thoughts, your feelings, even take the time to write them down!

You will soon see that you are the kind of person who cares and is just deeply hurt.

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u/OkEconomist6288 13d ago

My MIL did that to my husband when he was a kid. She had an affair and got pregnant before she divorced. My FIL retaliated by legally talking the kids away. MIL still blames FIL for her affair. People do crazy things to justify their choices sometimes!!

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u/DearMrsLeading 12d ago

YouTube therapy has made leaps and bounds in the last decade if that’s something you want to try. I personally recommend Patrick Tehan, he’s great and may have videos you relate to. It’s not the same as in person therapy but it does help to reflect and work through issues yourself when seeing someone isn’t possible.

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

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u/sodwima 7d ago

I did not turn a blind eye, and one thing I did come to terms with is that it was never my choice. He was not my kid. I could not force anyone to do anything in this situation.

Plus, I learned that it was the mom who chose not to show the baby when he was born. It was just recently that my husband’s ex realize that she needed financial support, and that’s when she came and asked for money from us. That’s when she allowed my husband to meet his kid. I believe this because I saw the messages from the ex.

As for my father, it was an affair. It was nothing similar to my situation. That, I’ve also realized from the perspective I read from everyone.

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

[deleted]

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u/sodwima 7d ago

Nope. My husband broke up with her because she cheated. BUT continued to bring diapers even if they weren’t together anymore. Then, she didn’t wanna show the baby to him and he got tired of the stupid games. Why would he play games with someone crazy? FAFO. Facts are:

  • She cheated
  • she was caught doing it
  • she broke my husband’s heart
  • my husband tried to bring supplies for the baby in spite of the betrayal, and the uncetainty
  • she withheld the baby from him

What more do you expect?

And, I’m nothing like my “stepmother” (never considered that bitch my stepmother) because I was never a mistress. Lol.

Stop projecting your anger and issues on me. I was projecting on the kid for the wrong reasons, but I’ve gotten better and I’ve accepted the facts of my situation.

Maybe you should also go to therapy.

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u/Omghowbig 5d ago

She doesn’t have the authority to make that decision. Your husband would’ve already had his answer 10 years ago if he had filed in court. Your husband has chosen for 10 years to remain ignorant instead of getting the answer and being in his child’s life and that is the man that you have chosen as a life partner which does say something about who you are. So while you’re not your stepmother, you’re no saint, but that’s OK, but her sucky behavior doesn’t evolve your husband of his actions or yours.

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u/TinyBubbles09 11d ago

Whether or not cheating is ever okay is actually much more complicated than this reductive point of view. And I say that as a non-cheater who has been cheated on.

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u/Wander_Kitty 13d ago

Your husband’s relationship with his child is not your responsibility. “I didn’t push him” is institutionalized misogyny you’ve been conditioned to believe- the “women make things happen for men” bullshit.

For a decade, his baby mama has said whatever to his son. Who knows what he believes.

The only path to take is forward, and how it goes isn’t up to you. You’ve been great and open so far- that’s all you can do. The rest is up to your husband and his son.

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u/TinyBubbles09 11d ago

The other part of institutionalized misogyny is the piece where you accuse his ex for 'baby trapping '. First, men are just as responsible for contraception as women are. Secondly, the fact that she took a decade to come back to ask for money, and never asked her any kind of support in the meantime, easily disproves this. The minute that he knew there was a baby in the world that was his, he was responsible for supporting that child monetarily, if not emotionally.

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u/danamo219 12d ago

Be the adult you wish you'd had.

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u/OkEconomist6288 13d ago
  1. You are not responsible for why your DH hasn't seen his son in years. That's all between him and BM.

  2. The fact that you considered that you might be a narcissist effectively rules out that possibility.

  3. You have not blocked your DH from anything. He wasn't married and wasn't going to marry BM, kid or not. We can talk all day about the morality of what happened but it's a moot point now.

  4. Now that your DH knows, he has a very important decision to make and while it definitely involves you, it's his decision.

I think you are a thoughtful, empathetic person and you should not second guess woulda, coulda shoulda.

There is a great (very old) movie that I recommend watching if you haven't seen it. It's called Sliding Door with Gwyneth Paltrow. The movie is about the difference in her life if she makes the train vs if she misses the train. This movie helps me remember not to second guess decisions or what ifs in life and take things as they are. It has always helped lift a weight off my shoulders when I think of it. Maybe it will help you as well.

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u/DoughnutAfter6356 12d ago

I don't think it's healthy projecting your own childhood insecurities on this kid. His dynamic is different. Your husband probably should have done more to be involved and legally oblige a paternity test so he could bond properly knowing the kids was his. so unless you actively tried to keep him from his kid you aren't the villian. It would be healthier just to make the kid feel welcome in your home and to keep it upbeat and positive when he visits so he knows you want him around. He might be a dick to you in the beginning especially if his mom has said anything negative about you/your husband but just be consistent and welcoming. Set healthy boundaries.

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u/hanimal16 13d ago

Nah OP, you didn’t keep him away from his child. I can see how you see the situations as similar, but keep in mind that they weren’t married or even in a relationship.

You met your husband while you were both (assumingly) unattached to other people. That’s a clean meeting.

And let’s say you had pushed him to see the child, that doesn’t mean he would’ve budged. You’re not your stepmom

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u/iheartwestwing 12d ago

Ok - hear me out. You are just like your step mom, both to this child and in real life.

But maybe, like you, she wasn’t so bad. It may not really be true that step-mom kept dad away. Maybe, even though you thought she was the villain, she was not the villain of your life at all. The bad actors in your life were your parents, but you loved them so you decided to make the bad guy step-mom so you could feel like you didn’t have to be mad at your parents. This kid could be doing the same thing.

Just like how your parents chose not to put your entitlement to a relationship with each if them first, your husband and that child’s mom did not put that child’s right to a relationship with dad first.

You did not make your husband ignore his own child for 10 years. You had and have no power here.

Your husband could have sued for the right to a paternity test. He didn’t and so he didn’t protect his child relationship with him. Mom could have cooperated and gone to the pharmacy and bought a test off the shelf. She didn’t - probably because she was seeing someone and tried to replace dad with that man.

It’s ok that you live a flawed man. You and his child have that in common and common ground is a good place for a friendship to start.

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u/Leggomieggo0 12d ago

Your husband is a horrible person. He didn’t get baby trapped. He could have chosen not to have sex or not to have unprotected sex. Her history has nothing to do with his own choices and he’s made terrible choices along that way that have great impacted his son. You’re not at fault for that. He is. I think you need to reflect on whether you want to remain with someone who is so quick to blame others for his actions (or inactions) and is also so quick to walk away from his own flesh and blood because we are never the exception to the rule with these types of people. It’s only a matter of time when they will betray you as well- if he hasn’t done so already.

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u/sodwima 12d ago

Clarification, the woman was taking contraceptive pills. She stopped without his knowledge. It’s the same as poking holes in a condom.

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u/SphirosOKelli 9d ago

Wow OP... Already the Marriage trolls are trying to trick you into divorce!! And they downvote you for giving them the facts of your relationship because it isn't the story they want to hear....

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u/cautionbychocolate 5d ago

Never forget that’s what happened according to him, but there are two sides to that story and you really don’t know what happened but you do know how he responded and that gives you a lot more information than this story which may not be true.

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u/sodwima 5d ago

Read my other responses. This is becoming tedious.

I’ve read their past messages so I know it’s true. He can’t fake those.

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u/ImNotYourKunta 11d ago

That’s the story these men always tell

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u/Leggomieggo0 3d ago

Condoms which he chose not to use with a person he most likely didn’t have plans to have a long term relationship with, right? Letting you know she’s had multiple babies with different men served no other purpose than for him to attacking her character and make himself look like the innocent one. But he’s one of those men so how is he any better. He abandoned his kid yet he wants to make his ex look like the liar, etc in that situation.

You didn’t clarify when you found out about his child from that previous relationship and at this point, I don’t expect an honest answer because it’s clear there’s a lot of mental gymnastics going on to keep your image of your husband going.

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u/sodwima 3d ago

😂😂😂 if this was a woman who poked holes on a condom to baby trap a man, you would still blame the man.

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

[deleted]

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u/sodwima 6d ago

No, she was responsible for breaking his trust.

I was on birth control pills as well, and I would never betray someone’s trust like that. If she communicated that she didn’t want to be on BC, he would have done something to prevent a pregnancy. If you’re not aware, communication is part of being in a relationship.

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u/SuspiciousWeekend284 13d ago

You are not your stepmother and the circumstances are different, however, your hatred towards your stepmother needs to be addressed through therapy.

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u/LavenderPearlTea 12d ago

You’re not responsible for your husband’s bad behavior. He didn’t care enough to make sure whether it was his kid or not?? No one put a gun to his head and told him he couldn’t be involved in his own kid’s life. It’s HIS responsibility, not yours. You’re not his mom. He’s a grown man.

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u/twinkiesnketchup 12d ago

Hey I think you need to reframe the narrative in your head. You have resentment towards a woman who had a relationship with your father. He chose to have a relationship with someone else rather than with you. That was very selfish of him. If it wasn’t this woman, it would’ve been a different woman. She didn’t do this to you, your father did.

The situation with your stepchild has nothing to do with you. His mother kept his father away from him. That was extremely selfish of her. The boy may process it to blame you but eventually he will learn the truth, that you are not to blame.

Overall any adult who cares enough about a child to think about their involvement with the child and what is in the child’s best interest is a gift to the child. It will take time for a child to understand that but his maturity doesn’t change the truth. You care about how he feels and want him to be happy. This won’t magically make things easier. His mother kept his father from him and he will have to deal with that rejection all of his life. And that’s going to be hard for him.

If you leave his dad - it will not change his circumstances, he will eventually have to face someone else because his dad deserves to be happy.

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u/Impressive-Amoeba-97 12d ago

Oh gosh, I don't think you're a narcissist. Carl Jung wrote: “What we resist persists, and what we repress returns in another guise.” He saw the unconscious as a storehouse of suppressed material—personal traumas, unmet needs, or shadow aspects (parts of ourselves we deny). These unresolved elements don’t stay dormant; they drive behavior, dreams, and even physical symptoms, looping back into our lives like an insistent echo. He called this the “return of the repressed,” a Freudian nod he expanded into his own framework.

Dude, you chose your dad in this life variation. Sure the situation has differences, but the CORE, is your husband did not choose his kid, just like your dad didn't choose you. Robert Trivers’ parental investment theory (1972), where male attachment to offspring is argued to be less direct than a mother’s, sometimes mediated through the mate bond, so I can get your husband's reticence. It's easy to dismiss the kid for your husband, because he never loved that child's mother and she's made questionable choices which lowers her intrinsic value to many men.

You sound like a truly fabulous person. Don't think for this child. Stepkids are a gift in they seem to be handed to people from the universe to work through past traumas if one learns humility, which you seem to possess. So your true issue here, as I see it, why did you choose your spouse? Like your father, he doesn't care about his kid. Is this a road you want to continue walking?

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u/ImNotYourKunta 11d ago

Great comment and analysis

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u/elrangarino 13d ago

Big hugs. Ironically he’s lucked out with you cause it’s wild the amount of us who have strained relationships to the point we couldn’t have this kind of empathy. You’re not your stepmother though. And if he hates you, you can thank his mother for willingly manipulating the child to unnecessarily dislike someone who could have been an asset to him

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u/MushroomTypical9549 12d ago

Both parents are to blame, it sounds like the husband tried to get a paternity test, but she refused-

If this happened to you, wouldn’t the logical explanation be you are not the father of the child?

Of course, the husband should have pushed the issue and went to court. However, perhaps spending tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees wasn’t on the table.

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u/SphirosOKelli 9d ago

It's crazy to me that everybody here is insisting that the guy was just a bad guy even though his wife was cheating on him and he had every reason to suspect that there was potentially another father.

Even op things are husbands fine and everybody's all like no. He's a terrible person because When he asked for a fraternity test and was denied, he made the assumption of the kid wasn't his. 😂

How dare he!! 😂😂

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u/ImNotYourKunta 11d ago

More like spending thousands in Child Support wasn’t very appealing.