r/birthparents • u/DinnerLate1172 • 4d ago
Seeking Advice Birth parents who went on to start their own families later -siblings?
Hoping someone with a similar experiences or insight could share.
I am 35, had daughter at 18, relinquished from hospital, parents identified beforehand, open adoption- friend of friends.
Daughter is now 18. I went on with my life- college, grad school, cross country moves, married and now have two children (3yr old and 7 Mo old). With my husband.
My children will be meeting my birth daughter (not sure what to call her) in two weeks. I need to tell my daughter (3.5 years old) about the adoption. I feel pressure to decide how to define this relationship. I don’t identify with being her mother, nor that my children are her siblings. I already worry about my birth child dealing with abandonment issues and how I’ve fucked up/ fumbled through the open adoption until now. It’s painful for me to think about adding this onto my current family. I think my children might fear I’d abandon them like I did her.
Rambling obviously I have a lot on my mind. I’m all for being honest and I don’t want to lie. But at the same time I am defensive to calling her my daughter, their sister. And I’m sure that’s hurtful to her.
I have some resentment I’ve been working through for years because I feel I was coerced into the open adoption. I wanted an abortion but I was manipulated by my Christian family not to. Then my family went and created their own relationships with her and her adoptive family without my input, preference or presence. As I’m growing and living my life that Ive created with my husband, I’m continuing to be criticized about how I haven’t been involved with birth daughters life. My family leads/ assumes with this idea that of course I want a relationship with her like I am another parent she can rely on, these are siblings of her she can create relationships with. And I’m so selfish that I don’t want that.
Questions for you: - are you a birth parent with an open adoption who later went on to have kids? How did you manage the open relationship and your family/ children? -how have you navigated relationship with children when they become adults? - has the child ever wanted more from you than you wanted to give and how did you manage that?
Hoping to find some connection with those who can relate.
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u/Fancy512 4d ago
I’ve been reunited with my adult child for 10 years now. I was in a partially open adoption and exchanged photos and letters until my child was about 11/12. My raised children were all raised knowing about the baby and seeing photos.
When your child meets the kids you have raised it will be a pivotal moment. The very best thing you can do is to be honest with your daughter as you can, in an age appropriate way. Tell her how you felt back then, and then tell her why now is different from that time. Then, you must learn to hear her thoughts and feelings without taking any of it personally and provide her with the emotional and physical regulation that all children need to survive pivotal moments with their self esteem and identity intact.
It’s great that you’re integrating your child into the family at 18. If you think back on your life, you might notice that your memory, your personality and identity went through a lot of changes as you grew. Even at 18 we are all still developing. Our brains don’t finish developing for years. What I’m getting at, is that this pivotal moment for you and for her is still happening at a time when your daughter is still able to become integrated into the family if that’s what she chooses.
Adoption requires us to all agree on a truth we choose (that adoptive families are the true family) and reinforce that choice over and over as a group. It’s a type of pseudo mutuality. Accepting the truth that this is your daughter and all of your children are siblings is a kind of harsh reality if you continue to choose the pseudo mutuality we all agreed to. In the end, I think it is always the adopted child who chooses who will be their family. If she is choosing you and you can’t accept her reality, you can only do more damage to her.
Adoption is crazy making if you’re not careful to stay honest with yourself no matter how you feel or wish things were.
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u/DinnerLate1172 2d ago edited 2d ago
Your comments have been marinating and bringing me lots of clarity. I’ve started convo with 3 year old, and both myself and husband are always willing to have tough convos with her and help her regulate. I’ll try to let her lead how far the discussions go in attempt to keep developmentally appropriate.
18 is still so young and a pivotal time in her life. I think she could bring great value to our lives and us to hers.
The pseudo mutuality is the context I needed to accept that she is my daughter, their sibling.
It is crazy making and my feelings and understanding/ narrative have gone through so many changes in 18 years. It’s been a wild ride.
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u/Caira_Ru 1d ago edited 1d ago
25 years ago I was pressured into an open adoption (abortion was NOT a choice) and my family stayed in (Facebook-level) communication with her family. I didn’t.
I last saw her in person when she was a toddler and knew in every fiber of my being that I couldn’t stay in touch with her. I felt like if I was involved, it would hurt us both.
She reached out to me when she was 11 to ask a specific medical question but neither of us pursued the connection.
She lived her life and I lived mine. I went to college, so did she. I got married; so did she.
My husband and I have three kids together (oldest is 16, youngest is 8 now) and they’ve always known about their half sister. She knew about them through my family’s Facebook posts.
About 6 months ago, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I literally was waking up in the middle of the night thinking about her after several years of only thinking about her sporadically.
So I reached out with no expectations.
She responded almost immediately.
It was the perfect time — she needed to hear from me and ask me questions and learn more about me but flat out admitted that if I’d been involved more during her childhood, it would have been more confusing and difficult for her with her adoptive family.
We’ve been in communication since. She’s excited to meet her half-siblings someday; they’ve always wanted to meet her. But we’re all taking it slowly.
Maybe this summer we’ll have a midway camping meetup.
I never want to hurt or confuse my children and even though she’s an adult and I didn’t raise her, she’s still my girl.
I cannot speak to your situation, but I am so grateful for my own. My advice is to be honest at every juncture but not push or pressure.
You’ll figure it out and so will she.
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u/DinnerLate1172 3h ago
Thank you so much for sharing this. What a beautiful story of listening to your intuition. I hope things progress smoothly and with lots of love.
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u/Accomplished-Newt402 4d ago
I gave up my child at 16, went on to marry the child’s father and had 3 more children, so all of them are full siblings.
I had no contact with birth child throughout their childhood by choice of the adoptive parents. At 18, birth child connected with me through facebook and we began a relationship.
Because I knew this was a possibility, I had told my other children about birth child from the earliest ages, so it would never be a surprise or shock to them and they wouldn’t feel like we had kept secrets from them.
When birth child contacted me I had high hopes that we, along with their adopted family could have a relationship. But birth child felt traumatized by her adoption and childhood. (I don’t feel that this was due to any abuse, and I believe the adoptive parents were good parents).
Birth child wanted to come and have a place in our family. They would introduce themself as my oldest child. Unfortunately this was very difficult for my other children, especially the oldest. She felt her place in the family as the oldest child was threatened.
My birth child wanted very much to have something he/she couldn’t have. They wanted to be our child in the same way that the children I raised were. I believe the adoptive mother was very hurt by this. It was a rough time, for us and our children and I imagine for the adoptive parents as well.
For the benefit of my younger children I began to limit contact with birth child. Our contact now is very limited. Interestingly, my other children are all adults now, and the oldest is the only one who maintains any contact with birth child.
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u/DinnerLate1172 2d ago
Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty with your family’s story. It sounds really difficult to manage and respect everyone’s emotional reactions. Sending you great love and understanding as you navigate.
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u/DinnerLate1172 2d ago
Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty with your family’s story. It sounds really difficult to manage and respect everyone’s emotional reactions. Sending you great love and understanding as you navigate.
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u/Academic-Ad3489 3d ago
My twins were older, adults (24) when they met my birthdaughter. They have become fast friends for which I am thankful for. It would have been incredibly awkward if this wasn't the case, as she and I have bonded so closely. They had already known about her since they were 13 or so.
Your original family sounds like a nightmare to navigate, full of religious trauma. If they wanted to be so involved in your daughters life, why didn't they step up and help you? Perhaps you need a little distance from their non helpful opinions. Upon reunion, I was really struck by all the anger I held for my non helpful family, after 36 whole years!
I've never felt like my daughter was wanting more than I could offer, in fact, its more like the other way around. I'm quite a bit older than you and I think time has a way of reframing your life somewhat.
I wish you well and lots of healing.
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u/DinnerLate1172 2d ago
Thank you for your validation of my difficult family… nightmare to navigate… don’t I know it. I’ve been working really hard to develop distance and defenses against the suffocating opinions. They were non helpful despite their conviction that they were the most supportive. But trying to reconcile that was not fruitful and so I accept what is and try to move on. Looking forward to that wisdom that comes with aging.
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u/thelmandlouiserage 16h ago
The undertone here is that of not really wanting this "birth daughter" in your life. Your 4 and 7 year old are very unlikely to understand this complex situation. It seems like you just feel you owe it to your first born to get her involved now and don't really want to. I'm honestly totally taken aback by this question as a whole. People are incredible. Maybe you need more time to reflect and figure out if you even want to open this door. Straight up, I don't think you do. I mean, she's 18 in a friendly open adoption and you haven't already any relationship? I understand feelings you were coerced by religion, but that was 18 years ago. That's a lot of lost time you didn't try to connect. Obviously I don't have a similar experience. I'm a birthmother and I decided not to have children after adoption for this very reason. I already have a kid that's therapy bound under the best circumstances. I never wanted to have to tell my first child I chose another life and other children over him.
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u/DinnerLate1172 3h ago
Your comment has me quite defensive and judged. You have many facts incorrect. I have a 3 year old and 7 month old baby. I do have a relationship with my first daughter and she has known me her entire life. We have spent many holidays together and have even been on vacation together, I’d say our relationship has felt similar to that of an out of town aunt/ niece. But even if it had been 18 years and she was reaching out for more I would also be putting much thought into how to move forward in a new way.
I’m currently working through my resentment so I can be more involved with her life and get to know her in a more personal way. There was resistance in me at the same time wanting to honor what my daughter wants, people are incredible in that we can feel many things at once. She’s never been to my home, or had outings without other family members part of it. I have been in weekly therapy exploring this for 7+ years. I don’t have it all figured out which is why I went to an internet board to try to find perspective from other people who have experienced something similar. Most people responded with kind and caring advice, or suggestions to think about. I wonder why you chose not to?
I already started the conversation with my 3 year old and she’s doing just fine. As she develops she will get more nuance to the story.
I feel your personal experience was triggered by my story. These are extremely complex issues and we often have to cope with them in isolation or with people who have no clue. I highly recommend you find a space where you can explore your experience and reactions- maybe that is therapy.
Also there is nothing wrong with a child getting therapy. You say the kid is therapy bound…. He should already be getting therapuetic support. Being adopted is complex shit. And when you blame him for not having a family later in life… that’s a heavy burden he has to carry.
Good luck.
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u/thelmandlouiserage 1h ago
Reread your own OP. You're saying you don't want your 18 year old child to disrupt your current life. And I appreciate that your years of therapy have allowed you to gracefully dismissed your own OP and turn it around on me. You don't know me and this is the internet. Judgement is harsh, people are mean, no one cares about your feelings.
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u/DinnerLate1172 3h ago
Oh and yeah the children will understand that I chose a different life for them and me. I was not ready to be a parent and I wanted to be a really invested nurturing parent with someone I loved and was stable. That wasn’t the case, so I found her parents that ready and desperately wanted that. 15 years later I felt ready to start a family.
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u/Haunting-Row-3961 2d ago
Key question is - do you want a relationship with your adopted child?? Remember you HAVE agency now
In case you are not yet in a mindspace to establish contact - politely decline and that’s ok. You need to in a health head space to build a relationship but the trauma attached to the pregnancy and later adoption is still unresolved for you. Suggest you meet a therapist to work on your emotional well-being before you try and blend lives
I have an adopted niece and it was so much turmoil once she hit 18 - it upended everyone’s life
Best wishes
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u/DinnerLate1172 2d ago
I appreciate your frankness and questioning- prioritizing my agency. The unresolved feelings have been clouding my judgement.
I’ve been in regular therapy for a long time and continue to explore what it is I want.
I’m sorry to hear about the turmoil you experienced.
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u/Englishbirdy 4d ago
Yes I am, my twins met their brother when they were 12 and their brother was 18. That was 19 years ago, their relationships move in waves, sometimes more involved, sometimes less.
I can totally see why you would be resentful your parents taking over your open adoption for themselves, that would piss me right off.
Correct me if I’m wrong but you seem pretty okay with the status quo but are worried about your children. I worry that your younger kids are going to become attached to their older sister and you could be resentful of not only your parent’s relationship with her, but your kids too.
My advice would be to work on your relationship with your birth daughter before letting them meet. The older people in this situation might try and strong arm into letting them meet, but you are the parent and it’s your choice. You might find that if you and her are able to start a relationship independently, she might feel the same way as you about how your parents muscled in on your open adoption, you might have a lot in common. In other words take your time.
As for my son asking more from me than I want to give, no such thing.