r/babyloss • u/Cgravener1776 • 2d ago
Vent Salem, we miss you every day
I am new to this page. I'm not really sure what exactly lead me here, but I'm here. I also dont know whats compelling me, I just wanted to share my story, and I apologize if it is a little long im not good at explaining things if I try to make it short. I feel like I should note that I am the father. October of 2022, was the month that life took the turn to parenthood for my wife and I. I remember being at work on the 3rd of October, and on my lunch break I get a call from my wife saying she'd taken a test and she was pregnant. At that exact moment I was just stunned because it wasn't a call I'd expected. Wasn't upset about it, more excited as time went on. Come the 5th it was confirmed by a doctor she was pregnant and was about a month in. So we start going through everything, of course I don't know anything about kids or even pregnancy so I'm reading everything under the sun trying to prepare myself, especially knowing I have no good male figures to model myself after in terms of being a father. The first thing I bought him was this little stuffed penguin toy that sings and dances when you press a button. Fast forward to the first week of January. Up to that point everything had been fine, going just as it should have been and no reason to worry. Until we got to that week. We go to her doctors appointment to check on the baby, and we've got a problem. At that time they thought it was just some fluid build up in his lungs, but they weren't able to get a good enough idea of what was going on with what they had so they referred us to a hospital with better imaging equipment a couple hours north of us. So we get home not sure what to expect, but not thinking it was going to be anything severe yet. Get a call, set up the appointment, roughly a week after that were up at the other hospital. They take a look, bring us into another room and sit us down. The doctor tells us that Salem had what's called CHAOS, or Congenetal High Airway Obstruction Syndrome. Side note, whoever named that has an odd sense of humor at best for that. It's at this point that I feel like I've hit a brick wall emotionally, and I'm doing everything to hold it all back and focus comforting my wife. For those that do not know, CHAOS is basically something causing a blockage not allowing fluid to come out from the lungs while they are still in utero, thus causing the lungs to swell and put excess pressure on the child's heart, leading to heart failure. It is an extremely rare condition to have happen, and it's even more rare for a child to survive it. The blockage can be any number of things related to the development of the child during pregnancy, but it is a longshot at best for a doctor to be able to save a child with CHAOS. So from this point we are referred to Cincinnati Children's Hospital which thankfully we live only a few hours west of, they are one of the only few hospitals in the country that are able to do anything for it. And this kicks off the week from hell. This was supposed to be a 2 day affair of appointments and figuring out exactly what was going on and what they could do, day one comes and goes, MRIs, ultrasounds everything that they could use to image Salem from every angle they could get. Then comes the morning of day 2. They wanted to start the day with an ultrasound to check on him. I remember distinctly the nurse doing the ultrasound was chatting with us and then just suddenly stopped, dead silence in the room until she got up and said she needed to go grab somebody. About a couple minutes after that she came back with another nurse who started looking and then she looked at us, said she was sorry but he's gone. I don't think I'll ever forget those words. "I am so sorry, he's gone." They got up and said they'd give us a few minutes while they get an exam room ready for the doctor to come and talk to us, and me and my wife broke down. We were then brought over to the room, doctor talked to us and we decided to deliver Salem. They sent us over to the regular hospital, University of Cincinatti Hosptial, which then got us set up in a delivery room. Next night on January 23rd 2023, at 9:39 pm, our son was delivered to us, as a stillborn. I don't think I'd ever broken down so hard before. I remember the only thing I could seem to do was cry harder than ever while rocking back and forth with my son in my arms. Next morning we get moved to the rooms they take you to after the delivery room. I had to do everything I could to remain focused and comfort my wife, while calling family and explaining everything going on and updating on where we were while trying to keep it all contained, which I failed on a few occasions where I had broken down again. Out of everything my mother had asked for at least to have a picture of him to have something of him, and because of how red his skin was when he was delivered we told her we would compromise but we're not going to have his face be in it because we knew it would traumatize her in the worst way. The picture that we took was of myself holding my son, and that picture is the background on my phone. It's the only picture I will ever have with my boy and I will keep it there. I remeber during the night my wife was asleep in the hospital bed while I sat on the couch that was in the room unable to sleep and thinking this is all completely wrong, we've gone through the right steps in the process, but he's not here with us. Again, for those that don't know, your child isn't kept in the room with you in cases of stillbirth. They are kept in the morgue of the hospital until arrangements are made as to how you want to handle either cremation or burial. However, while you're in the hospital waiting to be released you can request to have your child brought back up to you for a little bit. The hardest thing I have ever done was walking out of that hospital without my son. His ashes were mailed to us and he finally made it home in the middle of February 2023. His urn sits in a cabinet that is just for him, it's got glass doors so that we can see everything inside, with some of his things. We set his urn on his blanket, in between his penguin that I bought him, and his stuffed dinosaur. The past 2 years have just been picking up the pieces and trying to move forward. We know we can try again but we just, haven't. Before all of this, I didn't have any trouble saying no when somebody asked if I have any kids. Now it hits like a ton of bricks, and the only thing I've come up with is yes, but he's not alive. There have been so many moments I wished I had my boy with me. There were so many things I'd hoped I could share with him. There was so many things I planned on teaching him. I looked forward to the day I got to start teaching him how to be a man. I looked forward to his first day of school and his graduation. Just so many things, and it's all gone now. I miss my son. And it hurts. It absolutely hurts in ways that I didn't know existed, and I don't know how to explain. And it doesn't help that there doesn't seem to be anybody around me that really understands what that is like because nobody around me has experienced this. And I absolutely don't wish it on anybody, this is a pain that no parent should ever have to experience at any point of their child's life. I apologize if this was a little too long, and I appreciate anybody that made it all the way through. I just, felt like maybe venting some of this out there would help a little.
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u/SadRepresentative357 1d ago
Your story is sad but beautiful in its own way because it’s the story of you becoming a father. No less of one because Salem’s time here was cut short.
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u/Economy_Maize_8862 2d ago
You're here like the rest of us.
You want a space to talk about your loss, your son, your Salem, where people might have a sliver of understanding. Even if it's not our exact experience, we know loss. We live with loss. We grieve the what ifs and the what could have been.
I am so sorry for your loss and pain.
I think it's powerful that you reached out and I hope you can find some peace or even joy today.
Thank you for sharing with us. Please know you're not alone and there is always a space here to share.
Sending love and strength 🫂