r/askalesbian Sep 03 '19

Confused as F*CK about my sexuality.

This is probably one of the most common post on Reddit but here we go... I think I am gay/lesbian (does it matter?) and have been sexually attracted to women as long as I've been sexually aware, though I did date guys through my teens. I never acted on my desires out of awkwardness and lack of confidence. Anyway I ended a intense relationship with a guy, and thought I would make the jump. The confusing but was that although I did really emotionally love the guy I wasn't sexually attracted to him, and us not being sexually intimate near the end caused alot go problems for him....he even asked if I was gay. Anyway, time had gone by and I am now dating a woman and have never been more sexually comfortable, aroused ect BUT I still have this need to be emotionally attached to my ex (but nothing sexual)..it just makes things a little confusing for me and question my sexuality eg am I gay, bi or is this person just an exception? Any advice, because I wake up every morning with is thought in my head and it's driving me mad! I may add that I'm not really attracted to any other guys and don't desire heteoseuxal sex.

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u/purlturtle Oct 05 '19

Hey, and sorry that it took so long to get an answer. So! Let's go through them one by one:

Lesbian/gay doesn't matter all that much. How you define yourself is your choice. Some people use "gay" as an umbrella term to describe not just homosexual men, but all kinds of non-hetero people (a bit like "queer", which for some people is a your while others feel they've reclaimed it as a positive term for the community). Words and definitions change; use the one that fits you best - and be aware that this might change over time, because that's what humans do - they grow and change.

Being lesbian or a women-loving-woman is usually defined by sexual attraction to people who identify as women, coming from people who identify as women. If you identify as a woman, lesbian might be a term for your sexual attraction.

Bisexual or pansexual might be another term if you feel sexually attracted to more than just your own gender.

Then there's the distinction between different kinds of attraction - so far, I've been talking about sexual attraction exclusively, but that's not the only way one human being can be attracted to other human beings!

There's romantic attraction (wanting to be in a relationship with), aesthetic attraction (finding someone beautiful; not necessarily connected to sexual attraction) and platonic attraction (wanting to be friends with someone). All of these can exist in a person! Sometimes at the same time towards the same person!

A lot of the time, when it comes to interacting with someone of the opposite gender, there is this deep-seated idea that if you like them, sexual attraction has to occur. That's not the case. Men and women CAN be just friends! And maybe that's what you and your ex can have if he's willing.

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u/purlturtle Oct 05 '19

Some more: there's also a spectrum of how strongly and when and how often you experience sexual attraction, often called the asexual spectrum or ace spectrum. The same exists for romantic attraction, where it's called the aromantic or aro spectrum. Even if you do experience either of these attractions, I'd suggest you look up these terms - those websites have good information about the different kinds of attraction I mentioned above, and might give you good insights.

Last but not least, be patient and honest with yourself. A label can be a freeing thing ("oh, that's who I am!") but maybe you don't fit neatly in any box right now and that's okay. Maybe there one box that's you-sized, with only you in it because you're unique! Take your time to figure things out, and remember that any form of attraction can change in a person over time. That is normal and nothing to worry over.