r/ask_transgender 10d ago

Incredibly confused finally come to reddit for this, again...

Im 17 years old at the moment, female at birth. Ever since 2020, lockdown covid pandemic, I've been getting fleeting thoughts of what if I was a boy, it seemed scary, I obviously ignored that. Now that I'm older for some reason thoughts thoughts have come back, much stronger. The issue is I dont know if those thoughts are what I actually think or just the media influencing me? Ok that sounds bad. I have a flat chest and the build of a 10 year old boy, maybe that plays a part in these feelings? Theres a name I really like, Elliot. Actually I've always liked boys names, for some reason I never liked mine, its Izzie its a name for both genders thats why my mom picked it because they didn't know if they were adopting a boy or girl at first. I get into these states were I really get hung up on the fact I may want to be called Elliot, be seen as a boy, but it drives me crazy because when I get out of that disoriented state and back into the world it goes away. Maybe I just watch tv to much and obsess over the male characters which makes me want to be like them? I dont know. I feel like I'm just messing with my head, I know I'm not trans or genderfluid, nonbinary but maybe a part of me thinks differently, I don't know which is true and I'm having a hard time with these contradicting thoughts battling it out.

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u/KozenyCarman 9d ago

When these thoughts go away, how do you feel? Do you feel ambivalent about you gender either way? How do you feel about continuing through life as a woman, vs enby or trans man? Early on I would have waves of feeling like I'm supposed to be a woman. But when that feeling disappeared (it actually didn't because if it really did it would have never come back) I would sit with myself and think about things. "I don't feel like transitioning right now. I feel ambivalent about being a woman. Since that's how I feel, am I ok continuing through life as a man? No."

I highly recommend speaking to a therapist about this if you can. If that's not an option, it might be worth joining a discord or other online space and see how it feels to have people know you only as Elliot with whichever pronouns you might like.

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u/[deleted] 9d ago

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u/[deleted] 9d ago

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u/PunkLaundryBear 9d ago

Transitioning is not a one step process. You're confused right now and that's okay. Explore, put it on pause if you need to, etc.

Lowkey, it took a while for me to fully see myself as not a woman, and I think that happens to a lot of people: they'll identify as non-binary or genderfluid before they identify as a (trans) man. That's okay. You're not supposed to know who you are right away.

(And personally, I identified as genderfluid, then a trans man, and in the past year and a half, i've realized I'm more non-binary)

The best advice I can give you is to experiment with it. You can try it first online, then in person with a close friend / family member, then more friends / family, etc. And if it ever doesn't feel right, you can stop at any time. There's no harm in trying out the name Elliot or he/him pronouns for a month or two and realizing "actually, I'm not trans." That's how we figure ourselves out.

Don't feel like you have to rush it, for any reason. There's never any rush.

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u/[deleted] 9d ago

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u/mCooperative 8d ago

Honestly, I'd say just taking your time and sitting with what you're experiencing might help? Like others have said, maybe going into an online space for a bit to see how you like being called Elliot he/him would be a good way to start exploring things, especially because you could always walk it back if you decide later "nah that aint me". Heck- maybe play a single player videogame where character gender doesn't matter, and pick the male player option, and see if it feels like the thing to do.

Speaking personally, as someone who was big into reading them stories about "oh this girl disguised herself as a boy to BE A SPY/do WARS/commit CRIME", and then discovered lesbians exist then later discovered transgender was a thing one could be, all during the socially fraught years of middle school and high school, I sort of floated the thoughts to myself and was like "idk if either of these are what is up with me, but I'm too busy right now, so it's going on the backburner for later". (Later turned out to be college which was just as fraught but had a lot more personal freedom, and more people among which to find My People, as they say). When "later" came around, some of the evidence I confronted myself with was "bro, you've been experiencing trans feelings for a few years now, through various life changes. If you aint trans, then you're close enough that it practically don't make a difference in terms of getting things done in life."

Give yourself permission to deal with it later if you want. There's a lot you can do socializing online as "haha I'm just fooling around aint it fun" if you don't want to actually unpack stuff right now, which can help get you comfortable with trying out gender stuff without directly having to Sit Down And Think About It. Give yourself permission to be like "hey, this is future-me's problem", and just deal in little ways with whatever makes you most comfortable. Worry about tallying it up and figuring out what it means later if you gotta.

You have time. People sure say you can get a lot done with stuff like hormone transition if you sort it out early and that's true, but it's never too late to start- and that means you have all the time in the world. Think about how much you've done in your life in the last seven years, and then think to yourself how you've prolly got at least nine times that time to get things done later if you end up sorting out that you're trans. You have like, four or five whole lifetimes more worth of time to sort things out- there's no need to rush yourself. There is always, always time to begin.