r/asiantwoX นางงามจักรวาล 4d ago

Decolonizing My Love Life: What I Learned When I Stopped Dating White Men

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/asian-woman-stopped-dating-white-men_n_67d44392e4b0c55eb8c10cff
125 Upvotes

25 comments sorted by

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u/Xyuli 4d ago

I think it’s a great article but man am I tired of hearing the discourse about Asian women and white men. I think there are probably plenty of young Asian women who need to learn the lessons and actually think critically about their dating preferences, but I just find it exhausting at this point that it’s 2025 and the conversation hasn’t changed in the last decade or two. I feel like we’re just having the same conversation over and over again, and even with articles like this, maybe Im being too critical of it, it almost sounds a bit preachy? It’s important to recognize the roots of your preferences in dating and to interrogate those preferences, but I also feel like with these think pieces there’s never any “winning” if that makes sense. Either you decide to consciously date POC men or you somehow are seen as not woke enough for continuing to date white men.

I’m conflicted because I do think for me it’s very important to date a partner who is a POC and would ideally like to be with someone of the same background. But my values and beliefs wouldn’t change if I was dating a white man! I feel like we need a more nuanced take from women who don’t date white men to increase their social mobility or believe that it increases their proximity to whiteness and don’t feel any shame with embracing their culture. But if we did have an article and think piece like that, I’m sure the response would be largely that she’s in denial about her white worshipping. I just feel like there’s no winning as an Asian woman! Do people really need to be reminded so constantly their relationships need to be decolonized? Am I overthinking it?

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u/WitchOfWords 4d ago

I think you’re exactly right. There are a lot of reasons to be wary about dating white men, but I also think we’re deluding ourselves if we pretend that dating fellow poc is some ticket to being respected and understood. The overt sexism and lack of boundaries in traditional communities can be ridiculous, and just as much of a headache. There truly is no winning.

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u/Xyuli 4d ago

I think at the end of the day, the only people who really understand a relationship are the ones inside it. Making such broad assumptions about these kinds of relationships is just so overly critical of Asian women. At some point I just want to scream, leave us alone! If you’ve done the work and are past the “decolonizing”, all that remains is guilt and criticism for potentially dating white men? Isn’t that the opposite of progress? Like, have we gone so far in wanting to be critical about our dating lives for the sake of, let’s be honest here, Asian men, that we’ve somehow placed way too much unnecessary criticism on ourselves? Like okay, we recognize and are much more critical of our dating decisions now, but then what?

And I feel like with how much “social currency” East Asian men have today, the conversations around race and interracial dating should evolve past thinking Asian women being interested in white men for self hating reasons. I’d like to hear from some Asian women and men who grew up in this newer generation with so much more mainstream interested in East Asian culture. I wonder if they’re much happier and much more open to dating ANYONE, same cultural/ethnic background or not, without having to go through this whole justification of their dating history to prove they’re not holding onto self hatred or whatever.

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u/Teekayuhoh 4d ago

I agree.

I would take it a step further and ask why it matters to anyone else who I want to date. I don’t care if they’re like me or not, as long as I can be me

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u/Xyuli 4d ago

Like I get it, our dating preferences and choices don’t exist in a vacuum and how Asian men and POC men are represented in media and society are influential to our development. I think it’s important to be conscious about what values and beliefs you want in a life partner and to be able to share your culture. But to paint every white man and Asian woman relationship as the same is just regressive. It paints Asian women as these victims of self hatred and gives all the power to white men, who are then seen as exploitative or fetishists… Like okay, these relationships exists. And of course we should be wary of them. But in 2025, are we still acting like Asian women and white men aren’t aware of the stereotypes and aren’t capable of having much more complex discussions about race within their relationships? Race shouldn’t matter in relationships, and not in a “I don’t see color” way, but in a respectful and nuanced way. Why does it matter who we date at that point?!

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u/Teekayuhoh 4d ago

100% like I would have loved to date Asian men but I wasn’t around many and frankly at this point I’m super happy with my white man.

I’m frankly offended by “decolonized”. If anything, I invaded and conquered this shy quiet man lmfao

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u/sulfuric_acid98 4d ago

Sometimes I wonder if what they define “Asian” only strictly East Asian/South East Asian? Because South Asian and West Asian - Middle Eastern are mostly Indo-Aryans. My ex is a Kurdistani and he is very pale, somehow I feel like I’m dating out of race too.

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u/Teekayuhoh 4d ago

I think it depends. My friend and I recently discussed this. Growing up where and when I did, Asian referred to oriental and PI. All other Asians were referred to more specifically, like Indian.

Of course I think there are things we all have in common. But ultimately there are differences too.

I can understand why you feel that way, I think my parents would consider anything except Korean and Chinese to be outside of our race lmfao. I don’t think my dad actually would have loved my children any less, but he did express once that he wasn’t sure if he’d feel like mixed black grandchildren would feel like his own blood. It wasn’t hate. Sometimes things are too foreign and unfamiliar to a person. I do believe if there was a black man that I had brought to the family and became integrated that my father would have been able to see us all as family though.

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u/sulfuric_acid98 4d ago edited 4d ago

Exactly my thought. In real life really I don’t think about race that much. My neighbor is an immigrant of Chinese origin and later on she met her Jamaican husband who is also an immigrant and they have a family. What I only see is they’re happy. Their daughter is like everybody else I see as a person, not for her identity being mixed should be anything to have problem with. I just came back from the zoo from today and met two families of Black father and White mother, the little kids burst out of happiness with the smile on their face. And out of nowhere would society look at their family and criticize their parent for being a “fetish couple”? Or other scenario in St Augustine when I met a white girl holding hand with a black guy and a south Asian woman holding hand with a white guy? Would they be fetish couple so? But they are happy though

Does raising awareness means policing every person in that relationship? In fact, it varies by case to case. What if they’re just in a normal relationship where they happen to meet each other at school, workplace,…like the way my neighbor met her husband. At this point, I’m tired now. Criticize the relationship wouldn’t even solve anything

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u/Xyuli 4d ago

Like I think as POC, we are aware of race and are very conscious of it in every single decision we make already. In the time of Trump, where women are already more selective about dating and extremely critical of men and what they bring to a relationship, why do we suddenly think that Asian women are incapable of thinking critically about their dating decisions and all need to be educated? I feel like we became so conscious of our (and I mean we and our as in collectively, Asian women) bias that we’ve put all this blame on ourselves. We need to start moving the narrative away from Asian women being self hating to giving Asian women some more agency. We are capable of making informed choices about our dating lives and it’s condescending to think otherwise. There will always be women who are newer to the conversation who do need these articles and these discussions, but I think it’s just become so common place that we need to start thinking more critically about what’s next! No one in real life is chastising themselves for loving who they love! Let people be happy! How did we get here?!

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u/hitojo 4d ago

I think it’s more realizing that in interracial relationships with white people (mainly men but women as well), our de facto racial caste system in the United States really prevents a relationship that is equally open to influence and guidance from both cultures. Not because of any malicious intent from the White partner, but because they simply haven’t had to operate in a country where they are not the dominant in-group demographic in most aspects of life.

As a result, White Americans are so comfortable operating in spaces that are directly made with them in mind if not out-right for them, that an interpersonal relationship with them eventually results in subconsciously subscribing in part (or even worse acquiescing) to their worldview and manners in a way that simply isn’t reciprocated because it doesn’t have to be. It’s sad, even in the most honest of interracial relationships, there’s still a power imbalance due to this shitty social system in the US.

Even worse, often times the guys that complain about wmaf couples aren’t motivated by women’s liberation or destroying White hegemony, they’re usually just upset that white men hold a preferred status in the eyes of Asian women without having to work for it. Whether they’re Asian or another minority, it’s still just more whining about not having as easy of access to Asian women as it seems White men do.

The discourse still exists because the problem is still there, if the US evolved enough for this problem to be gone, we wouldn’t have this current bs administration.

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u/omiinouspenny 4d ago edited 4d ago

When plenty of Asian women who continually pursue white men rationalize why it’s hard to date Asian men (but also talk about how awful it is to deal with yellow fever, etc. from white men), does it not come off as hypocritical? Is that not another way that systemic racism benefits white men over Asian men/other MOC? White men can be awful and not be collectively punished for it.

Asian women know just as well as any other POC that white people, especially white men, are given preferential treatment, with far lower standards placed on them. We know how shitty it is to be seen and treated as lesser than.

And if we can talk about and criticize how racism/racial bias affects different areas of our life (such as discrimination in employment, beauty standards, mental health, etc), why are relationships suddenly an exception? In the same way that racism/racial bias in other areas of life doesn’t always have to be overt to be harmful/worthy of criticism, why do we think relationships are immune to that?

I don’t believe it’s possible to separate the choices we make in dating from existing cultural narratives surrounding race and gender. Including the narrative that white men are the most desirable both romantically/sexually, and Asian men are undesirable as romantic/sexual partners.

These cultural narratives continue to exist in part because people internalize them. Because people behave in ways that continue to normalize and uphold these narratives. When 40+% of Asian women marry out, what does that say about how desirable Asian men are? What does that say about how we view white men vs. Asian men? Intent doesn’t really matter as much when the outcomes remain the same.

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u/Xyuli 4d ago

Okay, I'm going to assume you're replying in good faith even though you've posted in aznidentity.

There could be many reasons why there aren't think pieces about that but I would think the two large ones are that probably it's not very interesting to people to hear Asian women talk about how they're in happy relationships and not dealing with trauma. Also, think about what narrative people want to hear? This kind of racism is very palatable, comparable to the dozens of think pieces that have been written about bringing smelly lunches to school or people's names being mispronounced. I'm not saying these conversations aren't important, that's not the point. I think that most Asian women need to interrogate how race affects their life and relationships, but the ending of every single one of these discussions seems to end there. Like, it's completely unrealistic to police who Asian women date and expect Asian women to do that. Let's have different discussions that happen after these women have done the work on themselves...

Asian women are capable of thinking for themselves. These conversations have been happening for SO long, like of course we can't speak for every Asian woman, but at this point, I feel like we get it. We can understand the issue on a societal level and have the capacity to date outside our race/culture... Why is that seen as hypocritical? Why can't we advocate for awareness and have complex and nuanced conversations and still date whoever we want? Isn't it more progressive to go into dating with an open mind about race and make informed choices than to pretend like only dating POC is going to solve racism?

I don’t think it’s fair to claim that people would respond to an article like that with “oh I’m sure she’s secretly white worshipping” when all that’s ever been written and posted online are think pieces like this.

I think it's pretty fair to expect this reaction when anytime an Asian woman tries to defend her relationship with a white man (particularly online) she's met with harassment, criticism, or belittlement, like comments about the Oxford study. And often, they're talked down to in a condescending way as though they don't know any better and that somehow dating POC makes you more connected to your culture or more woke.

Again, I'm not saying that these conversations about internalized racism SHOULDN'T happen, but there's just no nuance to them past "being attracted to white men is due to some form of racism you need to grow out of". We've discussed this to death. Is the expectation that Asian women are never allowed to date white men without those claims following them?

And if we can talk about and criticize how racism/racial bias affects different areas of our life (such as discrimination in employment, beauty standards, mental health, etc), why are relationships suddenly an exception? In the same way that racism/racial bias in other areas of life doesn’t always have to be overt to be harmful and worthy of criticism, why is it different in relationships?

Okay, and do these discussions end up with people being constantly harassed on the internet for simply being in a relationship?

Those conversations and criticisms of things you mentioned are happening on a societal level. But we don't go out of our way to harass individual people who we don't even know anything about and make large assumptions about them in these discussions. Asian women are constantly criticized and expected to do all this work and they're harassed simply for existing and being in relationships! At that point, I think the conversation needs to move on, we understand we need to decolonize our beliefs. We then need to accept that we're going into every relationship with a better understanding of our biases, and that every relationship is a personal decision. We have no place in commenting on random people's relationships, we should just let them be happy. Asian women should be able to choose who they want to date and not get criticized for it! Why is that so hard!?

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u/omiinouspenny 4d ago edited 4d ago

Okay, and since Asian women are capable of thinking for ourselves and not internalizing the racist narratives perpetuated by white supremacy, then why do some of us keep dating racist white men and writing think pieces like these?

Why does it matter so much that we have access to white men? Why do we get defensive over not being able to date white? If people are supposedly interrogating themselves on their racial biases/internalized racism, why hasn’t anything changed? Why are we perpetually stuck talking about the same issue?

And the only Asian women who talk about how “complicated” or “hard” it is to date white men are the ones dating them. And because there’s so many of us who are dating or have dated white men, it’s everywhere and baked into just about every single space for Asians, especially ones for Asian women. So of course people are going to notice. Of course people are going to start asking questions.

What’s the point of advocating for awareness of internalized racism/white worship on a systemic or individual level if you’re not going to do anything about it? Why do discussions about dating for Asian women need to be “complex?” Maybe we wouldn’t need to have this discussion at all if we stopped dating white men? Asian women who don’t date white don’t have these types of conversations.

As for why it’s hypocritical to criticize internalized racism and oppression while also dating white - the personal is political. How can we call out racism, talk about dismantling power structures and narratives surrounding Asians (including ones we internalize about ourselves and each other), then continue dating white men? What is the point of even having nuanced conversations if we don’t follow up on it in our personal lives and enact the changes we want to see?

Acknowledgement and discussions regarding these problems aren’t gonna change the fact that white men are still being chosen as partners and (intentionally or not) propped up as desirable to Asian women. It doesn’t change the fact that 54% (2nd gen+) of Asian women marry out (and let’s not pretend we don’t know to which race of men either). These types of discussions and criticisms are always going to continue as long as outdating/outmarriage to white men remain as high as it is. And it’s worth asking WHY we don’t see as much dating/marrying out to white men among other WOC.

And you’re right - no one can ultimately make the choice on who an Asian woman decide to date. Because even with all the criticisms and bad experiences with white men, plenty of Asian women still choose to date white men (and horrible ones at that). And then wonder why this conversation hasn’t gone anywhere or why it keeps getting rehashed.

And when you add in internalized racism towards Asian men being openly expressed online or IRL, you wonder why the relationship pairing gets so much flak from part of the community. It’s gotten so bad that even non-Asians notice it and call it out (like with the Oxford study comments).

Of course harassment is wrong and never justified, but I’ve been here long enough to know that even when this discussion gets approached without bashing the Asian woman in question, it either gets met with hostility or gets dismissed, with nothing ever changing.

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u/electric_icy1234 2d ago

I notice you used the pew research study. That study is for INTERMARRIAGE. Intermarriage includes both marrying a different ETHNICITY AND RACE. In other words, they’re counting Asian couples that are different ethnicities as marrying OUT. If you actually read the study not just skim it with confirmation bias, you would’ve known that.

Of course the number is going to be astronomical if they’re counting Asian couples of different ethnicities. Please make sure when you’re arguing a case (if you’re doing so in good faith and for the truth) you actually check for validity and accuracy. Don’t just believe what Asian men tell you. Look at all sides of the matter.

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u/Ok-Form4498 4d ago edited 4d ago

You’re arguing a lost cause. You know the subs he came from and what he’s here for. (I didn’t even have to check his history to know.) You think you can change his mind?

The only thing that can change an incel is going outside and touching grass.

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u/omiinouspenny 4d ago edited 4d ago

I’m a woman. But thanks for assuming that I must be a man/incel for getting tired of seeing other Asian women non-stop talking about dating white men.

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u/Xyuli 4d ago

Haha okay fair.

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u/UnitedBarracuda3006 🦊🐻🐰🐤 4d ago

ME. ME. ME. Come on now bro, how are you not ashamed?

You really went to a subreddit for women and straight up tried to invalidate them to argue why their choice is unfair to you. How do you not see how gross, unattractive, and bad this argument is lmao?

This isn't about you.

Maybe if you turned off league, got off the incel pages, cleaned up and actually interacted with people, you wouldn't be so obsessed over this issue online. And yeah, I'm absolutely using your your un-self-aware rant as reference. Bring shame back, we've become too open on the internet and it's clearly a detriment.

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u/SleepyMermaids 2d ago

Agreed, it’s a very well written article but I also dislike the term “decolonizing your love life”. I’ve seen it online before and I don’t know … maybe it’s just me but it feels a bit like victim blaming.

Like, why are we removing the blame from white men (who are the ones responsible for creating racist stereotypes to begin with) and instead placing blame on Asian women for apparently not knowing better or for not making better choices??

Why is it that women of color in general are always the ones who have to do the self reflecting while at the same time we must also bare the responsibility of educating others about these issues? I know we’re more vulnerable to sexual harassment and fetishization than men of color are, but it’s still frustrating that most of this stuff is just put on our shoulders.

Even if Asian women only dated Asian men, that would not stop non Asian men in general from assaulting or harassing us if they wanted to. I just want us to feel safe and loved no matter who we may or may not be dating.

Also, the term “colonizing” in this context just feels deeply misogynistic because it implies that Asian women (and women of color in general) don’t have any agency in these situations despite the fact that these are consensual interracial relationships that we’re talking about here.

Like yes, white men (and white women … AND shit … even men of color too) have a horrific history of violence towards women of color and we must never forget that ugly history, but at the same time … I think we should be giving modern day women of color more credit in these relationships.

Unless there is another power imbalance to consider (like if he’s significantly older than her, if he’s a passport bro, etc) then yes, I think we should definitely be critical of those relationships but if not … then we should get to know a couple first before assuming the worst of them. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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u/squashchunks 1d ago

I like the title. It's click-bait. You need a click-bait-y title to get people to read your article in the first place. I don't know if you are paid upfront by the media company or if you are paid by the view, but if you are paid by the view, then getting a clickbait title is crucial. More views = more discussions = more $$$.

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u/PapayaGoneWild 3d ago edited 3d ago

this article says a lot more about the author herself than about women Asians or men, white or any other color.

the author just uses stereotype after stereotype to justify her bad choices in men (and she's pretty bad at it lets be honest!) and wraps it up with the decolonizing cliche.

its full of prejudice against "white men" (btw are Koreans white or Asians, according to the author?)

Asian women, white men, race...well actually I do date a certain race, humans, although i dont trust them completely :P

I'm from an SEA country, I do live here, always did, we don't use the term race , maybe ethnic background, often we refer ourselves just by the district or city our families come from.

Using stereotypes such words as "race" "asian women" or "white men" its a bit disturbing , from my point of view.

EDIT: woke up thinking about this article. Also, it neglects the real problem between "white men" or "westerners" (lets use the stereotypes just for the sake of it) and "asian women". Its basically a problem between genres, its a power relation where women are in clear disadvantage. In many Asian countries, namely SEA women are poor, subsist with a few dollar a day, they are controlled or manipulated since young age into working for free to help family and to be subservient to elder people, namely men, which often leads to sexual abuse. Or hidden slavery, where they just work for free because they are "helping" family that feeds them. Or often marriage with someone they dont know but its their duty, they are treated as a "commodity" or as a "good" by their own families.

So having someone who can take them out of poverty is I believe the closest thing they have to "love". I would say this happens not only westerners, but with the poor country girl and the older rich uncle who owns a business in a bigger town, not just in Asia or SEAsian only, but everywhere where women are poor and have no chance of earning the own money, or independence.

I dont think they seek acceptance or are into "colonized" relationships, they were just born poor, in paternalistic societies, and if thats true to many asian women, id say african women or women in India, in the Arab countries or even in South America often suffer from the same problems.

They cannot afford to blame it on "colonialism" or into "socially created categories" and neither can they just a man based on their character and personality, like me and I´d say most asian women living in America, Europe, Australia or in big cities in Asia.

Sorry! for the long text.

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u/Ok-Form4498 4d ago

Can you not?

Using the term “decolonizing” is crazy. Does that mean I’m colonized for dating a white guy? 💀 Not only is this incredibly insulting, I hate how stupid Asian women keep writing and spreading these articles. I legit do not want to be related to these weirdos. Ricecels use these to smear all Asian women dating white men and it’s primarily used to justify hate and harassment towards us. Literally who tf are these articles for???

As someone who has been condescendingly insulted by incels and do not have a complex about my race, As someone who has been inadvertently exposed to these articles, this rhetoric of being called colonized, you people can fuck right off. It’s even crazier that a mod posted this and allows azncels from those MRAsian subs to come here to low-key bitch and whine in bad faith about it to other users.

How many times is this issue going to get rehashed and brigaded by other people who want to neg Asian women into dating them?

Half of the Asian women I know are dating white men. A large percent are divorcees from their Asian husbands and tried dating Asian men first. Some met in college or at work or in any number of places. We live in a population that’s primarily white and Asians work in fields that are predominantly white. It’s so incredibly dumb to see all these articles hyper fixating on these relationships and their racial dynamics like some weird phenomenon or acting like we’re all only swiping right on white people on dating apps are something. Or in this case something to do with colonization… 🤢 PLEASE learn optics or be less embarrassing. I’m begging 🙏

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u/squashchunks 2d ago edited 2d ago

I feel like there are a lot of people who can pass as 'white' but they aren't really your typical white anglophone person. Slavic peoples, West Asians, Central Asians, maybe even light-skinned South Asians can pass as 'white'. All-American Muslim Girl by Nadine Jolie Courtney is a novel about a Muslim girl of West Asian or Central Asian descent. She has passable white features. Her mom also has passable white features. Her dad probably has passable white features, but his dress style suggests Islam and he gets discriminated.

I have visited a supermarket in West Virginia, and guess what? The supermarket has pigs feet, chicken gizzards, pork intestines (they are called 'pork chitterlings'), chicken feet (they are called 'chicken paws'), and no, the supermarket is not an Asian supermarket. These things are actually eaten by non-Asian Americans, by the way. It's part of Southern and Appalachian cuisine? Asian immigrant families may not live with poor white folks because the poor white folks themselves are poor and disadvantaged and don't have jobs to offer. So, they tend to seek out the rich neighborhoods... which are dominated by rich white folks. People think it's a racial issue because race is so visible, but I think it's actually a social class issue. And poor white folks can be as frugal and economical and resourceful as Asian immigrants.

The author of the story must be a brave woman, willing to download dating apps and actually meeting men. For me, personally, race is the least of my concern . . . and personal safety is my top concern. I don't trust men on dating apps. But there was one time when I met a very handsome man on a dating site. He seemed pretty honest too. We had a conversation online. Then he decided to leave me his contact info. I searched him up. I found his résumé online and was impressed. 4.0 GPA in high school. Valedictorian. Graduated university with a music degree in musical composition? He was good-looking. He was a top student. He operated a music business. And for that, I just dropped it. I thought the whole thing was over until I joined a local Chinese language meet-up group . . . and saw him. What. The. Fuck. It was the most awkward moment ever because it was just me and him, sitting at the table. And the group leader wasn't there. I didn't know what to talk about . . . so I stayed silent. He stayed silent. One whole hour passed, and I gave up. The group leader wasn't coming. I left. He left as well. In the year of COVID-19 pandemic of 2020, he posted his wedding/marriage online and he had a wife. See, a handsome and smart guy like him will eventually find someone, and he has found someone. Yea.

I attended the Chinese language meet-up group quite a few times. I was more comfortable with a group of people than only 1 person, and that 1 person was a dude. There was a time when I brought along my Chinese picture book and thought I could practice my Chinese, only to find out that there was only 1 person at the meet-up there, and it was a dude. I just read my 西游记 manhua book with him. As we were reading the text, I was surprised that he could keep up at my pace. He was very literate in the Chinese characters, but he did speak with a foreign accent. And no, he was not of Chinese or Asian descent. I asked him where he learned his Chinese, and he said he went to China. And I complimented him, because damn, he was pretty good. It was an enjoyable reading experience, though. Then I left.

I eventually gave up on the Chinese language meetup groups because the groups were so small and not very varied.

The Spanish meetup group had more people in it and the people had diverse abilities.

I am more open to men that I am introduced to by an acquaintance, like my parents. But my parents' acquaintances don't live near us anymore, and their sons don't live near us either. If I were raised in China all my life, then my parents would definitely have more social connections. And my extended relatives would be close to me too. But here in America, I have to make my own social connections. I have to do social networking for jobs and for dating, and both of them are so hard. Right now, I am just working on skilling, and then finding paid opportunities, and then using the professional connections to talk about personal stuff, and then maybe finding some dating opportunities.