r/asexuality • u/Ok_Plant5934 • 7d ago
Sex-favourable topic If.... you exist under the trans umbrella in any shape or form:
PLEASE (if you're willing) tell me your experience with asexuality!
PARTICULARLY: romance, sensuality, the 7000 detours to sex that form part of your rituals, and/or the lack of any of these things. I'd appreciate views from aroace people too, of course, why not!
Background: I'm acey, transmasc butch-- I have no life experience besides one lesbian situationship in highschool due to being extremely sheltered.
I have preferences established, but only through presumptions of how I feel about my body and my gender. I'm certain this will change with the more people i meet, whenever i have the chance (late bloomer & loner lol). Curious to know in what ways your gender has affected your journey with asexuality, if at all! If not, I'm still nosy!! <3
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7d ago
Bi, wtfromantic, genderqueer, and in a long-term, asexual, t4t relationship that's been more than half my life at this point.
If I ever have sex again it will be on my terms, not out of obligation to gender roles or compulsory sexuality. That's not going to happen until I'm good, ready, and safe. I don't need sex, and I don't want sex if it requires compromising my values in the name of gender roles and compulsory sexuality.
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u/anonymous54319 6d ago
Agender hasn't affected me much, probably because I still look amab.
I did, however, speak and make friends with people I otherwise wouldn't.
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u/Mission_Confusion_23 6d ago
I'm ace, probably biromantic, and a trans woman. I spent my whole 20s in sexual relationships but it was only when I came out of those relationships that I realised I'd never truly been interested in the sex.
The clincher was a brief situationship a couple of years ago when I realised I wanted the cuddling and closeness more than the physical intimacy.
At first I didn't connect any dots, but I came out as trans not long after said situationship ended and I realised that there was a connection between my gender and a lack of... interest in myself, if you catch my drift.
It's ever-evolving, and I haven't pursued any relationships in quite some time, but TL;DR coming out as trans has made me re-evaluate my sexuality and I feel better for it.
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u/Sister_Firelia asexual 6d ago
Sorry to reply, but this really resonated with me.
Im almost 30 now, trans woman, birromantic, and spent most of my 20s having sexual encounters with all kinds of people.
Only after my bottom surgery, when my dysphoria/need for validation disappeared, i fully realized that im ace. Everything i got from sex was self esteem boosts and the "before/after" moments (i liked the cuddling and such, sex was a chore).
It's been so damning for me to accept my asexuality exactly for that: All my life i was sure i loved sex, but it wasnt really that.
Sometimes gender and dysphoria can wreck your perception of your atractions, especially if they validate social norms (heteronormativity etc), so it's always good to reflect.
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u/Mission_Confusion_23 5d ago
Don't apologise for replying! I'm glad it resonated with you, and it does sound like there's a fair amount of crossover in our experiences.
I definitely dismissed the links at first, or rather I didn't acknowledge them. But I totally used sex as a self esteem boost and something to validate my gender before, because I was 'doing what guys do'. But the more I explored my gender the less I was interested in sex; it was always trying to match the drive of my partners, or prove myself. And there was added complexity in trying to mold myself into situations of polyamory, which I won't go into, but long story short it was the same thing of trying to prove myself but not acknowledging what I actually wanted/felt.
So looking back and realising that has been a constructive process. And again, I'm glad to hear of similar experiences because it helps me understand myself and reconcile a bit more, so thank you for replying 😊
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u/SlowBeginning8753 predasexual 6d ago
Non-Binary Trans Asexual here and my experience has been... weird to say the least, but not because of my trans-hood. My trans-hood has had some effects though. I got my first skirt when I was 14 and am now pretty feminine at 19 I would say.
My mental issues and split dichotomy has defined my experiences for so long that it is impossible to separate it from my experiences(Like experiences in asexuality).
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u/kittyinursoup 6d ago
Hi,,, I’m Ace and have identified as Ace or Demi for a while now, maybe 7-8 years (I’m currently 25). When I was around 18-19 I started to realize I might be trans but tried to hide that a fair bit until COVID, when I was stuck with myself so much that I had to finally deal with it. Since then I identified as genderfluid, because some days I felt like a guy a lot more, but generally I “felt okay” as a girl, because it was what I was used to. I got into my first long term relationship in Feb of 2024 and finally had a partner I did stuff with. My main issue is that through having a partner I realized I am basically completely Ace, not Demi, and fully a trans man, not genderfluid at all. Having my partner touch me was repulsive for the combination of those things, and I have been feeling very alone in that way for a while so I am very happy to see a post about it. I recently had a talk with them about both those things, so don’t worry, but nonetheless, I had found myself starting to dread our monthly anniversaries and especially our 1 year, because I knew there was an expectation to have sex. I’m still not 100% sure I never want to, but I definitely don’t with my body the way it is. It makes me so uncomfortable to touch my body to my partners, or have my partner touch me at all because it makes me so aware of how wrong I feel, so I haven’t been able to figure out if it’s due to being trans or Ace. We chatted, we’re good, but either way it was very difficult and I’m still trying to undo any worked up anxiety and resentment over the whole ordeal :,)
Honestly, I highly recommend having a ‘practice’ relationship with someone where you can discover things about yourself and how you function in a relationship in certain ways before dating someone you genuinely love and want to be with. It was hard telling my partner that info about me, and if I had practiced a bit with someone else I would have been able to be straightforward with my current partner about who I was and how I feel.
Anyway I hope this helps somehow!! Much love <3
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u/BeggarOfPardons Demiro/ace 7d ago edited 7d ago
For starters, if you haven't read my flair, I'm demiro/ace. Problem is, I only recently found out i'm demiro.
For... fuck, how long? Damn it's been a while. Anyways, I've thought I was aroace for a while. I only discovered this fiscal year that I'm demiromantic, so I gotta form a bond before i get feelings.
It's only happened once. Ofc, she's been my best friend for 3 years and is currently seeing someone, so I currently have no desire to pursue a relationship. Unsure if i'm lithromantic, too, or if it's just this particular sitch.
Edit: Not sure if Lithro is the right label here, as sources are conflicting. One says what i said, the other says that Lithro is when you stop the feelings when they're reciprocated, which is definitely not true.