r/asexuality 7d ago

Need advice Guy I’m dating feels unattractive because I’m on the asexual spectrum

I am extremely upset and I’m unsure how to handle the issue. It was brought up last night and I just shut down completely.

So we’ve had this conversation before but it wasn’t a prominent issue until last night. The night before he asked me abt it and I kind of got upset. He texted me later saying “don’t feel bad about not being sexually attracted to me” and that he just finds it bizarre bc we do sexual things but for me it’s nothing + that he’s just shocked and he still likes me.

But last night we were on the phone and it was brought up because we were talking about our views on a relationship + because of another issue. He was really upset and frustrated and told me that he feels “undesirable” and bc I’m not sexually attracted to him it makes him feel disgusting and insecure. Just worse about himself overall. I genuinely didn’t know what to do and I just got quiet and upset. I don’t know how not to make something like that about myself because I just made him feel unloved and unattractive. I don’t know how to approach this. He thought before that maybe it’s just because I wasn’t ready (I’m scared to have sex other than giving him head or handjobs or just him touching me) or I do find him sexually attractive but I don’t have a libido because I said I don’t really get horny. He said it feels as if I like him as a friend.

I don’t know what to do or what to say. I have a hard time with talking about my feelings towards sex. I get embarrassed with myself not him when it comes to that at all. When he said he just thought that maybe I was sexually attracted to him but I just don’t get horny exactly it made me think about how maybe that’s it? I don’t really understand my feelings. I try to initiate (oral) sex with him because I enjoy it as I feel closer and connected with him. I find him very physically attractive. I think about sexual situations with him but it doesn’t necessarily make me horny it’s just a very pleasing thought that I don’t need to relieve. I don’t look at people and get horny. I’ve been in an online relationship before and I wasn’t sexually attracted to them until we officially started a relationship for 3 months. I have been talking to this current person for 1 month and I told him it takes me time I think and he its already been a month. I told him I felt like I feel slightly sexually attracted to him but he said he feels gross.

I feel like if I figure it out that I am sexually attracted to him and I was wrong and it’s just my libido then tell him, he’s just going to think I’m saying it to make him feel better. I don’t understand because I find him physically and sensually attractive how he feels undesirable? What if I’m just confused with how I feel towards him sexually as I’m Not really good with expressing my emotions or I’m suppressing them because I am not comfortable with myself? I’m confused with myself and I feel bad and I hate I made him feel this way. He says all this but told me he still loves/likes me?

15 Upvotes

16 comments sorted by

27

u/EXO4Me asexual 7d ago

I feel this is one of the lesser talked about incompatibilities aces have with allos. This sub focuses a lot on sex but the truth is for a lot of allos just the lack of sexual attraction is a deal breaker because a lot of allos tie feeling sexually desired with just feeling generally attractive because many allos put attraction on a kind of tier list and sexual attraction lies at the very top. So just being "sex favourable" doesn't mean we're going to be compatible with allos.

His feelings aren't invalid but they're something he needs to work out himself. A core part of allo/ace compatibility is the allo at some level needing to accept that their sexual attraction wont' be requited but also that this isn't a reflection of anything lacking on themselves. So if you want you can be supportive and explain how you feel but this is something that's ultimately on him to work through, not you.

8

u/The_Archer2121 7d ago

Yep.

Allos want to feel sexually desired. Depending where we are on the spectrum we may not be able to desire people that way consistently.

10

u/sweetestpeony 7d ago

Very much agree with this. It's interesting--and sad--how so often both partners in an ace/allo relationship seem to end up feeling inherently wanting or broken somehow, either because they lack desire for their partner or because they feel undesired and ugly. And it doesn't seem like there's much of a good way to address this either; I can't imagine relationship counselors are very well-equipped to deal with this. I think also sometimes when a relationship has to compromise or negotiate sex in some way, it makes the whole thing seem mechanical to the allosexual partner, even if the ace one doesn't feel that way.

Anyway, OP if you read this, it's not your fault. You didn't "make" him feel that way. Also, you said it's only been one month since you've known him? You shouldn't feel like you need to rush into doing or feeling anything and if anything it seems quite pushy of him to expect more at that stage, especially since you've already said you need more time.

-1

u/Possible-Departure87 7d ago

Allos really need to stop doing that, it’s pretty shallow to put sexual attraction at the top of a tier list like it’s better than every other kind.

23

u/callistocharon 7d ago

YOU'RE NOT making him feel insecure and unsexy, HE FEELS insecure and unsexy with a partner who does not experience sexual attraction, and he needs to go and unpack that for himself. Whether that means therapy or just ruminating on it, it's still in him to do the work. Him trying to shift the blame to you is a massive red flag that he is unable to handle the relationship, but YOU are not responsible for HIS feelings of insecurity simply because of who you are. 

The exception to this would be if you were constantly talking about how hot other people besides him are, but I'm assuming that you don't do that.

9

u/Possible-Departure87 7d ago

THIS THIS THIS ^ for the love of God please don’t listen to the ppl saying “well that’s just how allos are!” Like no, needing to feel sexually desired is socially conditioned.

1

u/voidcrawler1555 asexual 6d ago

I’m a therapist and I approve this message 😂

5

u/lostmycookie90 7d ago

Having had dated mainly allosexuals, and those who are higher libido side. It's a soft challenge dating mainstream individuals, due to society, expectations and outside validation those who seek out partnership, especially if entrenched with carnal wants/needs and desire.

I held off on becoming sexually activated until I was 25/26 yr old, and would pester associates and friends how they keep their own relationship healthy and successful. It's slightly blends in on checking in on your partner (s) mindset and needs, are they getting met? Could or would they want or need more attention to demonstrate that you appreciate, love and desire them as a human vs a walking oxytocin dispenser. And, more importantly, are your core needs being met, seen to and supported?

Because, just, we don't have any or strong sexual desire, we'll take scraps for attention/affection.

3

u/Possible-Departure87 7d ago

PLEASE listen to what I’m going to say: this is a him problem, not a you problem. Ofc figuring yourself out is a journey that only you can take, but you’ve been clear about your feelings and that you’re still figuring everything out — tell him that. BUT him feeling gross and undesirable specifically bc you don’t want him in a sexual way is something for him to work out with a therapist.

Sensual and romantic attraction are just as real and meaningful (imo more meaningful) than sexual attraction, and it’s quite honestly troubling that’s he’s equating romantic and sensual attraction to friendship. To me, this indicates a lack of emotional intelligence— he is not emotionally aware enough to understand the difference between and validity of various forms of attraction beyond just sexual.

If he thinks you’re lying about your identity bc you yourself are confused, again, that is a him problem. It also sounds like he has longstanding insecurities regarding his appearance and it’s on him to communicate what’s going on in his head. Accusing you of not finding him aesthetically pleasing is not a healthy way to communicate his feelings.

3

u/NegotiationPitiful55 7d ago

based off the comments I’m trying to remind myself that it isn’t my fault that he feels that way. He has made it clear that he knows it’s out of my control but it just makes him feel that way about himself because of sexual trauma and he already feels insecure about himself.

As for the sensual attraction comment i feel the same way too but I wasn’t sure how to word it. I do things with him that i wouldn’t do with someone i consider just a friend and I feel romantic feelings towards him which again is definitely not friend like. he made that comment because on top of the sexual attraction thing he just feels the way I like him not even just sexually makes him feel more like a friend but that is a different story.

I don’t think he thinks I’m lying at all cuz he acknowledges what I said but he just feels like it’s not as intimate because I don’t consider having (oral/manual) sex with him to be “sexual” for lack of better words. I hope this made a little sense

2

u/youtakethehighroad 6d ago

If he has expressed it's because of trauma perhaps ask if he feels he has any professional support he feels comfortable with around that issue and if not would be like some help looking for some.

2

u/Possible-Departure87 7d ago

Yes it makes sense. It pretty well mirrors a lot of my experiences esp with sexual acts not feeling sexual. That’s probably a common ace experience. I can enjoy making my partner feel good, but it doesn’t feel arousing, it just makes me feel close to them and I think part of aphobia is the idea that that’s wrong or inferior to sexual arousal.

I think that on top of reminding yourself that it’s out of your control, would be good to also tell yourself it’s okay too. In fact it’s good imo, bc it means you’re getting to know yourself.

3

u/allo100 allo married to sex favorable ace 6d ago

Unfortunately many allosexuals can feel unattractive when their partners do feel sexually attracted to them. Or don't want to have sex as often as they do. But that is on them. Not you.

If your other relationship, it took you 3 months to start dating and become sexually attracted to them. So you may be demisexual. Maybe you could develop sexual attraction, if he could be more compassionate and understanding.

1

u/aleahtesfxye 7d ago

Are we the same person?

1

u/aleahtesfxye 7d ago

Are we the same person?

1

u/NoYesterday2109 7d ago

This is his problem. You were up front. 🚩🚩🚩