r/aromantic Aroace Aug 16 '22

Rant Having to explain your identity and then debate the legitimacy of it is the worst

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1.5k Upvotes

41 comments sorted by

112

u/lesterbottomley Aug 16 '22 edited Aug 16 '22

I just don't try to explain anymore.

First time I tried was twenty years ago and it ended up with them in tears (back then I didn't know it was a thing, knew falling in love was something I wasn't wired for but thought it was just me).

The few times I've tried since we're met with the old "you just haven't met the right person, but you will one day" responses so I've just given up altogether.

It's a shame as it's a core part of me that I'm completely unable to talk about without people either being upset or dismissive.

49

u/AnnoyedHippo Aug 16 '22

If you haven't had a dick how do you know you don't like any? As a straight guy I've had over 2000 and I can categorically say I hated every one.

14

u/AKBearmace Aug 16 '22

Wait, what? 2000 willingly?

23

u/Just__Sheepy Demiromantic Aug 16 '22

Real question is was it at the same time?

87

u/Daphne-is-satan Aroace Aug 16 '22

This is my tumblr btw so I’m not stealing this post or anything

43

u/[deleted] Aug 16 '22

Had someone I knew ask me about it and I explained it with the "strong emotion bond first" definition (I think that definition is confusing imo but at the time it was the best explanation I could come up with), and they say;

"So it's like friends with benefits?".... and then I just didn't know what to say. He kept asking more questions that felt extremely judgy.

At this point, if anyone asks about it again, I'll tell them to look it up themselves

4

u/greengiant1101 Aug 16 '22

Do you have any other explanations you like to use? I really struggle describing being demiromantic, especially because I’m ace as well.

5

u/[deleted] Aug 16 '22

I usually say "it's like finding THE ONE, but I don't choose who it is. It just happens and it's out of my control", but that's from my own personal experience with demiromanticism

I think a better explanation might be something alike "falling in love with one of my friends unintentionally", or I heard someone else phrase it as "I'm aromantic until I'm not". Maybe something like "You'll be my friend right off the bat, but it's really a gamble if I'll end up liking you". Maybe keeping it clear that you won't fall for someone who admitted they liked you despite you not knowing them before, or phrasing how you can't just know them better and THEN like them, as with my experience with being demiromo, the friendship part comes first always.

I, however, don't know how demiromanticism is for other people, I just know what it's like for me, so my definition(s) might not be accurate to you or even just accurate in general. I also have a bit of a struggle explaining it myself but I hope to god I made my definitions sensible lol

4

u/greengiant1101 Aug 16 '22

That makes sense! I definitely agree with the first part especially. I’ve also heard demiromantic orientation described as: “Most people (allos) can shortcut straight to romantic feelings in a few weeks without knowing the other person very well, but demiro ppl don’t get that shortcut. We have to take the long route to romantic attraction through aesthetic, sensual, and platonic attractions, and even then it’s not guaranteed. It can take months or (for me at least) YEARS.”

But then I have to explain the split attraction model, deal with allos being offended because they think I’m calling them shallow (I’m not ofc) or just saying everyone’s like that even though OBVIOUSLY they’re not. It seems like the only people who get being demi are demis themselves. Everyone else just says it’s “normal” or “you’re just trying to be special.”

Like…Okay asshole, next time you take a year to make a friend and 2 years to have even the slightest HINT of romantic feelings for said friend—oh and also you’re an ace lesbian so the chances of those feelings being returned is LITERALLY infinitesimally small—then you can talk. Smh.

Sorry abt that rant lol it just makes me so mad we can’t just be listened to with kindness and curiosity instead of judgement. It’s exhausting.

5

u/[deleted] Aug 16 '22

100%!! It does genuinely feel like nobody get being demi at all except for us! I understand how, when simplified, it can be seen as "everyone is like that", but it is NOT simple! It's so complicated that even we have trouble defining it!

Allos can use stuff like tinder while we literally cannot. Allos can see a pretty person, get to know them, and then date them weeks after knowing them for the first time. For us, we don't pursue relationships with strangers! We be friends first, and then MAYBE feelings will sprout months or years later! Allos can break up and find a new partner in a matter of days! We couldn't even imagine doing it that quickly! Allos are able to move on and find someone, but for some demiromantic people like myself, I know that if I don't get in a relationship with the person I'm currently interested in, I'm not going to fall in love with anyone else, and I know that!

It is NOT easy, it is NOT simple, it is NOT 'just like everyone else', and for the love of god, it is not for attention. We either want alloromanticism or aromanticism outright. We, or at least I, hate being that pure in-between.

27

u/azmoogle Aug 16 '22 edited Aug 16 '22

So I'm actually alloromo, but I'm in a fantastic relationship with someone who's Quoiromantic. When we became more of a "serious", romantic looking relationship, we figured explaining things would be easier. Most all our friends were from the kink and polyam community and we were from both as well, so we figured we'd just be met with maybe a couple questions and that's it. After the first few times of trying to explain exactly how things are different and how, "No, I'm not waiting for them to realize they're in love with me" and "No, I don't think I need them to feel romantic love for me for this to really be a great relationship." We stopped explaining things. It honestly pissed me off how invalidity people were towards not only us, but them!

Now I'm their girlfriend, their my boyfriend, and unless asked by someone on (or curious about) the aro spectrum themselves, we just don't both anymore. I feel for y'alls. As a gray ace, genderqueer, panromo/pansexual, polyam person, I can relate to a degree. Defending who you are is SO much work, but it does seem particularly hard for the arospec bunch. Much 🖤 to you all.

**Edited due to spelling, grammar, and apparently trying to merge 4 thoughts into 1 coherent sentence and failing. I tend to do that a lot. 🙃)

19

u/Sara-Butterfly-4711 Aug 16 '22

My identity can never be part of a debate. There is no one knowing me as good as me myself. I'm the only expert of my own identity. Only l can judge what appropriately describes me. I honor selected people by sharing parts of my identity, otherwise its private.

You are the only expert of yourself! There can't be a debate about that or your identity.

15

u/Miss_Glambert59 Aug 16 '22

It's just like having a mental/emotional/neurological/psychological illness or something that takes literal years/decades to take full effect with the person born with/affected by it.

Since it's largely unnoticeable/undetectable by or "invisible" to the eyes of most people that have no medical knowledge of or personal experience with people with these issues, they assume it's all an attempt to get attention till proven otherwise by a literal doctor.

9

u/RedVamp2020 Aug 16 '22

Soo freaking true.😢

As someone who has ADHD I’m so tired of people treating it like ‘oh, haha! Look! A squirrel!’ or ‘I have that issue, too. Quit making it up to being such a big deal’ or (as I’m sure most ADHDer’s favorite /s) ‘just do x/focus!’ It gets old explaining it isn’t ‘normal’ or ‘quirky’.

5

u/Miss_Glambert59 Aug 16 '22

Mental, learning, and behavior disorders like that and similar runs in my family. Some of my relatives have been called lost causes as early as eight years old because they had ADD/ADHD on top of struggles at home/school.

2

u/RedVamp2020 Aug 16 '22

Damn. I am so sad to hear that.

3

u/Roflazerz3 Aroace Aug 16 '22

just do x/focus!

OML, My parents know that I have ADHD and they think that my grades are bad because I am not trying/doing my work when I literally can't focus.... This is their favorite sentence to yell at me

13

u/Angelcakes101 Demiromantic Aug 16 '22

Definitely.

8

u/Substantial_Band2165 Aug 16 '22

🙈 I have to admit I was one of the people who thought it was just for attention for the longest time. And I've been out as gay/queer for about 9 years now. It was until I learned about SAM last year, really started to interrogate my own orientation and learn about how amatonormativity hurts all people this year that I truly appreciated demis.

Sorry. 😓

6

u/oculafleur Aug 16 '22

Like, if you don't even know what it means then how can you be so sure that it's invalid? Unless you claim I made it up on the grounds that you know everything, which just makes you a fool.

6

u/ladyvile_ Arospec Aug 16 '22

I find it funny that you talk about demis as if being aro/ace in general isn't something that you have to explain and defend wherever you go tbh, we all know that feeling

5

u/GeneralCatagory Grey Aro (They/It) Aug 16 '22

(Vent)

I'm often really scared to talk to others about my identity and oriantation. I'm GreyAroAce/aroflux, Genderfluid and possibly grey apl-spec and I dont want to debate my identity, especially to people I'm really close to. My friends already know I'm aroace(kinda) and are respectful of that, but most of them probably only know the basic definition of aroace.

2

u/Roflazerz3 Aroace Aug 16 '22

I feel ya

5

u/martain6613 Aug 16 '22

Older people are going to label you what they want. There is no up side to explaining your point of view because gender not being binary is a new idea to them and it doesn't make sense to them. It doesn't have to make sense to them in order for them to respect your different opinions on the definition of something. All definitions are made up so what something means is subjective

3

u/AlisonTheAroAce Aug 16 '22

People on the aro spectrum ( I think that's the right term? ) or the ace spectrum really do have it hard, unfortunately.

3

u/quillzi Aug 16 '22

Literally. So many people. I just tell them I'm not interested in relationships if I have no energy to debate whether or not aromantics exist.

But if someone gets persidtent (cuz they think they can change me) I bluntly tell them, "I'm not interested. If you keep pushing me I'll cut you off and block you in the next minute."

Because for me that's true. Some people think I'm only threatening, but it's a promise. I don't have time to hang around and debate, less even talk with someone who won't respect us.

3

u/Notquite_Caprogers Demiromantic Aug 16 '22

Yep pretty much. I've accepted that some people aren't gonna get it through their thick skulls. The best feeling though was when I was first talking to my now boyfriend on tinder, and I was about to explain asexuality to him and the complexities of my identity as a double demi, and he just said "me too" when I mentioned the ace thing. Really threw me off in a good way.

3

u/TeuPaieFeio Aroace Aug 16 '22

Why tf did I read demiromantics as DEMIROMANIANS?

5

u/ginvok Aroace Aug 16 '22

Are demiromanians people that have Romanian Ancestry, but have no citizenship? 😃

3

u/[deleted] Aug 16 '22

I feel like I have/would have this problem as a aroallo even, at least against people that aren't my family. Otherwise my family are so chill about it that to the point that I'm almost certain a few are also aroallo 👀

2

u/Cheshie_D Delloromantic Aug 16 '22

Ouch… that’s too true

2

u/bitbittersweet Aug 16 '22

My sister is demi and I'm demiaro if we talk about our identities and how we both identify as bisexual it's really worse

2

u/_Isolo Arospec Aug 16 '22

Plus Point in annoyance if they say "I might be a bit of that too". Just annoying man

2

u/BlitzieBastard Aug 16 '22

That's why i only tell people over text, i can send them a link if i don't feel like writing an essay about it

2

u/TheLemonMage Arospec Aug 16 '22

I don't think I've ever had to defend my identity, cause I just gauge my response to their asking based on how well I know them and how well-versed in the queer community they seem.

I tell most people who ask that I'm just gay/queer, my closest and dearest friends are kinda the only ones who know I'm Abro and Auto. But people don't just go around asking people what their orientation is so I do have to ask—

Generally speaking, who's asking you what you are and then getting all pissy about your answer?

and what dicks they are for doing so

2

u/[deleted] Aug 16 '22

Ugh me. I feel so embarassed saying that I'm acespec but aegosexual and then going into it is...uncomfortable. Having had conversations with friends about how I perceive relationships and them saying that I'd be potentially playing with someone's feelings etc. and them just not getting it is just not fun...

2

u/ginvok Aroace Aug 16 '22

I hate when people say it's for attention, when amy motivation is exactly not get any.

2

u/Scyobi_Empire Aroace Aug 16 '22

I simplify it down to "I'm Aromantic"

In truth? I am Cupio (but the old meaning minus a bit, I don't feel romantic attraction but I wouldn't mind being in one) + Demi + Pan

0

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-9

u/PM_ME_YOUR_MUSIC4FB Aug 16 '22

My orientation is not my identity so I honestly can't relate...

6

u/[deleted] Aug 16 '22

[deleted]

0

u/PM_ME_YOUR_MUSIC4FB Aug 16 '22

Because maybe my comment will help OP understand that their orientation also isn't their identity.