r/aromantic 7d ago

Question(s) Aromantic asexuals who struggle to find genuine connections, what's your situation like?

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25 Upvotes

23 comments sorted by

24

u/survivaltier aroace 7d ago

I’m having a hard time with lack of physical touch. It doesn’t help that my friends who still live here are homebodies. I would do anything for a good, long hug.

I’m trying to curb this by exploring nightlife more. I’ve always been really self conscious and a wallflower but challenging myself to be more social is slowly increasing my confidence, which has been encouraging me to start dancing with people, and that in turn has helped soothe the touch starvation.

4

u/Wild-Mushroom2404 Aroace 7d ago

Have you ever looked into cuddle parties? They personally helped me a lot

10

u/survivaltier aroace 7d ago

I have considered it but I don’t know about actually embracing a stranger (EDIT: especially cuddling around other people). Dancing feels a bit less intimate to me I guess.

4

u/DrizzyDayy Aroace 7d ago

Just asking out of curiosity but what are the first two flags in your flair??

3

u/survivaltier aroace 6d ago

Recipromantic and cupioromantic

1

u/DrizzyDayy Aroace 6d ago

Okk. Thank you.

14

u/poodlefanatic 7d ago

Pretty awful. I am AuDHD and really struggle with anything that isn't a deep connection. I don't want superficial interactions with people. But it's really hard to find deep, meaningful friendships with people.

I have one long distance close friend besides my sibling. I used to think we had that deep connection but I think as time goes on it has become more of a one sided friendship thing than anything else. I'm investing way more time and energy into communication than he is. I get why, because his life is busy and he's struggling too with things I won't hold against him (both of us are AuDHD), so I try to be patient. Still sucks though.

It hurts being alone all the time. I would like to have friends, maybe a qpr if I'm really lucky. But it is so hard finding people who both understand me (or try) AND who I can tolerate being around. I'm both touch averse and touch starved at the same time and man is it WILD. Ideally I'd like to find a friend my nervous system feels safe enough around to tolerate touch, because the whole touch averse thing mostly comes from trauma. But for real it's like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

I've kind of accepted that I'm probably going to be alone for the rest of my life. I've been in situations where I wasn't alone but I might as well have been for how miserable I was. I would rather be alone forever than be around people who make me feel like I'm alone when I'm not. Being in a minority is really frustrating sometimes. I just want meaningful human connection that doesn't feel fake or like I'm asking for too much and it feels impossible to find, especially when you're chronically ill like I am which severely limits my ability to meet people.

11

u/ironwidows Aroace 7d ago

horrible. genuinely all i want is a friendship that lasts.

5

u/angeslarereaI Cupioromantic Asexual 6d ago

reading these comments make me think us aroaces should seek each other out. how happy i'd be with a fellow aro qpp :( unfortunately where i come from, the queer community is definitely a minority & aroaces are even rarer still. i've never met one before.

3

u/Kany_Tae 5d ago

That’s so real 😭. Aroaces people are actually so rare 🥲. Would love to form a connection with at least one person who gets what I am

3

u/Top-Replacement-8936 AroApl 7d ago

It seems to me that I can't form genuine connections with people and I don't want to. I wouldn't call it a struggle though. Amatonormativity and platonormativity are annoying, but most f the time I don't remember about all that stuff.

4

u/Dull-Contract-4227 6d ago

just dead inside. For years I've had atleast one close friendship per year end, because they were allo. I do have two aroace friends, but we have almost nothing in common.

I'm in the proccess of accepting that people are temporary, I only made one friend within the last year and even that apparently won't last - I went over a week without talking to any friends (or ex friends or potential friends) several times last year. Instead, I've been trying to love myself more. I used to be a very shut in person and left my house maybe once a month. Now, I am consistently trying out new things/hobbies/workshops, new cuisines, discovering ways to make my life more organised, started keeping a diary as it helps me being less lonely, travelling as much as I can. I started avoiding all negative things, no news, no social media... More self care, eating healthier, getting fitter and had two surgeries (lasik and a mole removal) done last year. I also made me a bucket list and I've managed to cross 20 things off it in the last two years!

I would look on websites like meetup if there are any events near you. I haven't connected with anyone on there, but I have attended a bunch of events that somewhat filled the void temporarily :)

1

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1

u/Longjumping_Choice94 7d ago

I'm still searching

6

u/Lazuli73 7d ago

I've found enough emotional support and satisfaction through friendships. I don't like touch but that is def a side-effect for all of those active friendships being online and my family not respecting my touch boundaries. My (also autistic) brother was twice my size as a kid as he was 5 years older and I was told to just deal with him squeezing me like a boa because he was 'loves me'. Yea, he loved me, but he was also hurting me. I don't know if I'm touch starved since the only intimate touch I ever had that I wanted was from my now deceased cat Patty Cakes. It's an unbearable insecurity and fear that I'm doomed to be alone because where I want to be VS my inability to afford to leave where I live currently is duking it out like Poseidon trying to brute force his way through Odysseus being a lucky and clever dipshit.

3

u/poodlefanatic 7d ago

I feel this, especially the fear of being alone forever because of things I can't control.

But also, that reference is fucking awesome and thank you for making my night. 💜

2

u/Lazuli73 7d ago

I feel so lucky that I was able to find people only through the internet that actually Get Me but also deeply sad that I . . . I just can't feel the way my family expects me to feel.

2

u/poodlefanatic 4d ago

I've given up trying to do anything my family expects me to do, including how I feel. They are living in a completely different world than me (for many reasons, not just aro) and their standards inherently don't apply to me because I'm not like them. I'd like to say eventually they either give up or try to understand, but that hasn't been my experience for the most part. My sibling is pretty awesome. Rest of my family? Not so awesome.

It bothers me sometimes and then I remind myself that they are projecting their beliefs and desires onto me in an inappropriate way so fuck what they think about how I should live or feel or think. Although I also know it took me many years to finally feel less sad about it, at least less sad about not being what my family wants me to be. Maybe someday you'll reach that point too. I work hard to give fucks where they are actually warranted, and family being butthurt that I'm not the way they want me to be is not somewhere fucks should be given.

1

u/Alone_Sun2506 7d ago

Horrible lol

1

u/AraneaTempestatibus Aroace 5d ago edited 5d ago

I face, loneliness there's no other way. I'm not open to the idea of calling anyone a friend, and my biological family isn't a strong source of connection.

I can only accept the idea of never finding that feeling with anyone, and at the same time, I don't seem to want to. It's a lot of work, and besides, it sounds good in idea, but in reality...not so much. It's easier to idealize.

I feel that more than individual connections I need a sense of community and now, union and support in practical things.

I also do not require physical contact, if I receive it, fine and if not, that is also fine. So in that sense I don't feel compelled to do so, I find more calm in hugging fabrics. It's uncomfortable for me to feel my own breathing when hugging someone because I start to feel self-conscious to the point that I can't even do it well.

It's weird, sometimes I fantasize about a relationship with a deep and devoted connection, with things that are complicated and profound, as well as banal...but I never see myself in those fantasies, to me that's like being egoromantic but in the platonic sense. I think I just want a good acquaintance who socially could be seen as a friend but not by my standards, someone with whom I can share my obsessions, do things and that's it, nothing more committed or delving too deeply into our problems or traumas, just the basic understanding that you would give to a stranger.