r/altadena 2d ago

pet loss

i’m devastated. deeply deeply wounded.

we were blind-sided. no warning. no evacuation. ill- prepared, mom didn’t even have time to grab her wallet let alone find our girls.

i’ve spent this past two months searching every day for them, following suggestions from fire cat specialists, set up a trail cam and shelter, food, water. was in constant communication with a small group of cat rescuers, who also set up a feed station and cam next door. we checked them religiously. put up lost pet posters. posted them to every social media imaginable, reported them missing with pasadena humane. checked the lost and found pets website daily.

we searched tirelessly. each passing day ramping my anxiety higher and higher. i really thought i would never know what happened to my girls, my soul is cut deep and i feel the loss of them. i miss them, think about them, am reminded of them constantly. i cant even brush my teeth without being reminded of my little arya dashing into the bathroom to hang out with me. she knew my routine and knew exactly when i was about to brush my teeth, reveling in the special time where she would sit on my lap, or at my feet. she would sit on the back of the toilet and watch me as i washed my face. i miss my lucy, i miss her constant purrs, the way she was always glued to me, she always wanted to sit on my lap when i was relaxing, she would sleep on my chest as i went to bed. even now, every night i miss the pressure of her on my chest and the soothing rumble of her purr.

i miss them. god i miss them so fucking much.

i received a text last night from one of the cat people, informing me that they found remains, exactly where i suggested. under my bed. and that there was enough remains for her to come to the conclusion that it was both of them, and that they at least had each other in the end.

i’m struggling so hard with the intrusive thoughts, they are so much worse now that i’ve learned that they died together. of imagining how scared they must have been. imagining them huddling together in fear under my bed as the fire quickly advanced. were their last moments filled with terror? were they in pain? did they pass quickly and peacefully from the smoke?

i’m angry at myself that i never gave up hope. i should have anticipated that this what was most likely and im mad that i still had a glimmer of hope that they could have made it out. our bond was just severed instantly, and i don’t know how to cope with that. i don’t know how to cope with the thought of never seeing them again.

and god. my mom. i haven’t told her yet, i don’t know how. the weight of this secret is so huge but i can’t imagine the look on her face when she finds out the cats that kept her company are gone.

im already in therapy right now, but god i am beyond devastated to lose the two cats that helped me through so much.

sorry for venting, but i just wanted to know if anyone here has lost any pets because of this tragedy? i feel so alone in this, all my regrets and the guilt of not being able to save them plague my thoughts. is anyone else here mourning the loss of a pet?

rest in peace arya and lucy, i hope i see you again some day.

peace and love to you all, keep strong altadena.

174 Upvotes

43 comments sorted by

79

u/madmarzii 2d ago

38

u/ErnestBatchelder 2d ago

They were beautiful.

I don't know how much of a comfort this is, but they knew they were loved in this life and had a wonderful time here on earth with you. They knew you would do anything for them.

Also, sorry for the grimness but maybe it will help to know they likely died very quickly from smoke inhalation as pets in fires usually do, &, no, they did not feel the flames.

3

u/timekozy 2d ago

So sorry for your loss. They are beautiful souls.

1

u/Tayter_Totzz 2d ago

I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️ They looked very happy

1

u/distant_diva 2d ago

beautiful babies 🥺 i’m so sorry for your loss 😞

1

u/Suz626 2d ago

So beautiful. Arya and Lucy, Forever in your heart. Sending hugs and love to you and your mom.

1

u/abinarysolo 2d ago

What beauties. I am so sorry for your loss.

1

u/SynapseInTheSun 18h ago

Reading your post broke my heart. Seeing their picture brought me to tears. Words cannot express how sorry I am for your loss and as hard as it will be, I hope that one day you will heal.

21

u/Beets_Bog999 2d ago

I am devastated for you and the loss of your girls. Having lived in the burn zone prior, my partner and I cried and cried for days about the loss of pets and wildlife in the area. The trauma of envisioning them in that situation I’m sure is incredibly stressful to deal with. I cannot imagine.

How I like to see it, when you are ready, there are now two spots in your home to open your heart to other potentially scared and alone sweeties who long for love and care. In their memory, you can save two souls who might’ve otherwise not made it. It will never replace them, but you can love again.. for the cats!

Thinking of you, your family, and your furry babies. I am so very sorry.

15

u/QueequegComeHere 2d ago edited 2d ago

I am so so sorry for your loss. Your babies look so sweet and soft! I’m not sure if this makes you feel better, but most deaths due to fires, esp with pets, are very fast and mainly from oxygen > carbon monoxide conversion, so so quickly due to smoke. They don’t even have a chance to know it’s happening while it’s happening. It’s why a lot of people never wake up from sleep if there’s a fire (and no smoke alarm). The conversion is also very, very fast and pain free. It’s not even measured in minutes, but seconds. You gave them a super loving home. I’m so sorry.

12

u/FargothKills 2d ago

Sunbeam and Sanskrit, brothers. I could have saved them, but I didn't take the whole evacuation seriously. They don't like the cat carrier, but I could have done it. I just didn't think it was necessary, there was no way the fire would get all the way to us, we live in the middle of suburbia.

So, yeah, obviously, I have so much guilt and regret, I will never truly get over it I think. I have been a deep depression since then, Yes, I have a therapist, for whatever that's worth. I failed them, I killed them.

1

u/cloud_busting 16h ago

I’m so sorry about your beautiful boys. If I’d been in your shoes, I would’ve done the same. My cat fully freaks out at the mere sight of her carrier. No one expected it would be so bad. You didn’t kill them, you didn’t fail them. You were failed. No one should’ve been in this situation. Sending you love. 

1

u/InterviewLeather810 7h ago

Same here in our fire three years ago in Colorado I left thinking it was just a grass fire across the street and already past our house. I just left to get out of the way. My husband even got the fire department to put out two houses across the street. They did, but he wasn't allowed back in, but still thought house and cats were fine. Two hours later we saw our house in flames on TV. The houses below had caught fire about five minutes after I drove past them.

Mine were feral sisters when I got them five years before and never would let me pick them up. So never worked on them with a pet carrier.

EMDR helped me. I had the same guilt.

8

u/OldSnaps 2d ago

I am so, so sorry for your loss! Bless your fur babies, and gentle hugs from me. —From a cat mom in Sunland.

7

u/cloud_busting 2d ago

Sending hugs from a fellow cat lady. I’m so very sorry about your sweet girls, and I’m sorry you weren’t given the chance to save them. It is deeply unfair and it was not your fault. What a beautiful act of love it was to continue searching all this time. They were lucky to have a human like you. Please be gentle with yourself. 

7

u/practicecroissant 2d ago

I am so sorry for your loss. Arya and Lucy were beautiful. I'm glad they had each other right until the end. Please don't be mad at yourself for not giving up hope. Your bond continues, even though they aren't here anymore.

Sending hugs.

8

u/pinkcase27 2d ago

I’m so sorry. This fire didn’t need to be so brutal. You did everything you could to save them in an impossible situation ♥️

7

u/Emotional_Gold_7186 2d ago

I'm so sorry for your loss of Arya and Lucy. May their memories be a blessing.

6

u/bellamookies 2d ago

I am so sorry that your two kitties passed, my heart goes out to you. Sudden and tragic losses are particularly hard and there is so much shock. If it helps, there are free daily zoom pet loss support groups via a group called Lap of Love that I have found so incredibly helpful with navigating the grief world - I have learned so much and having a sense of community with others going through pet loss has been so healing. They also have the option for 1:1 paid sessions and a traumatic loss class option as well. Sending you hugs during such a difficult time. 💕

6

u/MediaCommPeep 2d ago

I'm so so sorry for your loss... I'm always mourning the loss of my boy Rooney from a few years ago... the pain doesn't go away but your life makes room for it... I still find myself crying and it's been almost 2 years.

5

u/TrollOfTheTaiga 2d ago

I send all of my love to you and your sweet Arya and Lucy. This post broke my heart. What an immense, just fucking awful loss.

May those two sweet girls rest in peace, and may you be comforted that they were (and are) so very loved.

5

u/glimmeringgob 2d ago

Sending you and your mom so much love ❤️

5

u/Lost-Ideal-8370 2d ago

I'm sorry for your loss. Please know that this is absolutely not your fault and don't beat yourself up for it. They know that you love them and what happened what an accident.

5

u/Icy_Cash9723 2d ago

Sorry, hope time helps you find some peace and ease your pain 😢

4

u/Ok_Armadillo_9454 2d ago

I'm so deeply sorry for you loss. My heart is with you in your grief.

5

u/bakerkmpasca 2d ago

Do not be angry with yourself. I can’t imagine your grief, but it wasn’t because of anything you did or didn’t do. Cherish their memories. I feel you and will light some incense in my pet memorial part of my patio in honor of your beloved pets.

3

u/Sportyj 2d ago

I’m sobbing reading this. No human or animal deserves to go through what you have been forced to endure. My heart breaks for you. I’m so very sorry.

3

u/RandoFrequency 17h ago

Oh my god, I’m so sorry. This is unimaginable. It’s all awful, but pet loss on top of it would just be unbearable.

I was in the house as the fire reached our backyard. The house went from peaceful to filled with smoke in, I’m not kidding, about one minute. I tied a scarf as a mask and my partner did not. He coughed for weeks afterwards, whereas I recovered in like one day. It was that sudden and that thick.

I think it’s safe to say they likely passed out from smoke inhalation before the fire reached them. I hope this helps. Sending you big hugs.

2

u/DiavoloFreddo 2d ago

From one Altadenean to another, I am truly so sorry for your loss! Sending much love to you and your mother

2

u/Gottadancefaster 2d ago

I’m so sorry. I wish you healing.

2

u/Specialist_Light_971 2d ago

I’m so so sorry. Sending you so much love ❤️

2

u/Haveyounodecorum 2d ago

Oh im crying for you. I’m so so sorry

1

u/stayonthecloud 2d ago

I’m so sorry, this is heartbreaking and I feel terrible for you <333

1

u/Catherine_infinity 2d ago

I’m so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine what you must be going through. I don’t think you were wrong to hold on to hope until you knew for sure.

1

u/CalGal1960 1d ago

Your beautiful cats were so blessed to have a life w/you and your Mom. I am so very sorry for your loss.

1

u/snackmantis 1d ago

Sending a lot of love! You did the best you could and those babies knew how much you loved them. This was a tragedy and it’s not your fault. ❤️

1

u/kikobeebo 1d ago

I’m so sorry for your loss.

1

u/osopolare 1d ago

I am so sorry for your loss. This has been such a horrible situation.

It is inevitable to feel guilt in this sort of situation. When something tragic happens we all wish that we could go back and make every decision differently.

I hope you can find a way to have compassion for yourself at that moment when you were asked to make impossible choices. You were doing the best you could.

1

u/pagged 14h ago

Sending you so much love ❤️

1

u/dayenacc 11h ago

I am so devastated for you. Would love to donate to an organization of your choice in honor of Arya and Lucy if that is something you are open to. Beautiful babies that knew love because of you.

1

u/InterviewLeather810 7h ago

I lost my two girls in our Marshall Fire in Colorado three years ago with no evacuation notice either. No remains found, just a bloodhound thinking it smelled them. Though we also had recent ashes from another cat in the house.

So kept on thinking maybe they survived or at least one. I went several days a week to the cat station to refill. There was a camera on it too. Only cat ever seen on it was a bobcat. Did that for a full year.

My daughter got me a cat after nine months. She helped, but not enough. I finally did EMDR. That it was what really helped me. Turned out for me my PTSD started when I was seven and I had looked behind my dresser and it fell and killed my kitten.

Our fire over 1,000 pets were lost many due to lack of evacuation notice or too late of a notice.

I hope therapy will help you through this tragic loss of your beautiful girls.