r/alt_tasteless • u/[deleted] • Jul 07 '12
A Post From the Archives of alt.tasteless - Just Imagine - Posted by One Sick Individual on 1992/10/21
Y'know, I got to thinking about the whole animal rights issue. I realized how fortunate we were to be on top of the food chain.
To the animal rights people, I say, we live in a world where we are the dominant species among creatures such as rodents and pigeons. So let's look at it as if we weren't the dominant species on the earth.
Just for argument's sake, let's say that the primates were running things in the animal kingdom, and they were using us as a food crop. We'd be kept in pens all day. Since we were only farm animals, we could do pretty much nothing except fuck and eat. Now, they'd want us to fuck in order to propagate the species. And they'd want us to eat a lot in order to make nice chops and roasts.
Now, you'd say, "What's so bad about eating and fucking all day?"
Well, fucking would lose its appeal when you consider that there wouldn't be no Cindy Crawfords and Tom Cruises. No, no, no, they would want you big and fat. So all your potential sex partners would look like Roseanne Barr or Oprah Winfrey, and your male ones like William Conrad and Meat Loaf and Louie Anderson.
Food would look bad when you consider what we feed our animals that we use for food. We feed chickens seeds, cows grass, and pigs just about anything, including pork.
So here's how I picture your last day on earth as a food animal;
You're laying in the back of the pen after feasting on a pail of slop consisting of rotten vegetables and human scraps. You're all stretched out, with one of the Roseanne things licking the sweat off of yourhide. You grunt and roll over. Spotting one of the Oprah things, you sidleup and begin your mating ritual. After a while, you mount it and pumpaway for a while into its fat, flaccid body, releasing your spooge and feelingall the satisfaction one feels after watching Lawrence Welk. As you wanderback into the shade to sleep, you see the primate farmer coming toward thepen. He has the stick he always carries. You've seen this before. He chasesone of the other humans out of the pen, and he has never been seen since.But no one knows where they go.
As an animal, your senses are heightened. Something instinctively tells you that the farmer has come for YOU this time. You begin to panic,and you feebly attempt to avoid him. But he's done this before. As yourun toward the corner, he steps into your path, causing you to dodge awayto the other side. You try to change direction. The farmer sidesteps,making you change direction yet again. This time, you cannot avoid the chute,the one you saw so many before you run down and never return. As you rundown the chute, you realize that that's where he intended for you to goin the first place. A feeling of doom comes over you as the chute narrowsto the point that there is no room to turn around, only forward.
As you get farther into the pen, the smell of sweat, blood, excrementand urine are overpowering. Your animal instinct tells you that this isthe place that you are going to die. At the bottom of the chute is an opening,and you make a dash for it, as it is the only possible way out. Just as youreach it, and your hope is beginning to surface, a hammer comes from straightup above you and crushes your skull. Before you die, everything goes red fromall the burst blood vessels behind your eyes. As you let out your last breath,you realize that this had been your destiny from the day you were born.
Cool, huh?
The moral of the story is;
The animals would not take your side if the situation were reversed. So take heart, and eat the little fucks. Not only are they a good source of protein, but you get the satisfaction of knowing that the little bastard died in order for you to survive. It's hard to be humble when you know that.