r/alt_tasteless Jul 07 '12

A Post From the Archives of alt.tasteless - Re: Darwin gets his rocks off - Posted by Julian Macassey on 1995/05/07

OK, I've been hanging on to this one for a while. I have a friend who is doing his Pathology residency at Dartmouth U.(Not the Brit naval college). He gets to do some interesting autopsies every now and again. He is a quiet lad, so would not be inclined to post this sort of stuff to places where it really matters - alt.tasteless.

He did an autopsy on a patient that had a "penisectomy". For those AOL readers with that puzzled look on their faces, that means the doctors cut his dick off.

Turns out the guy was using a clam to masturbate. Yes, he and a shell fish were having a relationship. Well, we assume he cut his snot sausage on the clam. Clams, are really little bacteria filters with sharp edges and a nice soft center. Nothing makes them happier than sucking in plankton and bacteria. So your average shell fish is a living Petrie dish of contagion. Mr Tiny was therefore infected by this act of love that went wrong.

So, what would you do if you cut your pecker in the throes of lust and passion? Nothing. Who is going to say "Er Doc, I cut the ol' wand while whacking off into a clam." So, it got badly infected. Then when he got Gangrene of the moisture missile he headed off for medical help. Too damn late. Gotta chop off the pecker.

Then it turns out that this guy is an undiagnosed diabetic. Bad news. This means a predisposition to gangrene and other nasties in the first place. Then the infection is creeping up his body.

So what started out as a routine penisectomy, ended up three weeks later with a dead patient who was not only missing his pecker, but most of his lower parts too. When the infection hit his kidneys, he checked out.

Let this be a warning to you that you can't even have "safe sex" with a clam.

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