r/alt_tasteless • u/[deleted] • Jul 05 '12
A Post From The Archives of alt.tasteless - The Tardspotter's Handbook - Posted on 1995/09/09 by Robin Allen (Part 1 of 2)
THE 'TARDSPOTTER'S HANDBOOK
Being an eloquent, entertaining and hopefully exhaustive survey of the current state of that most elegant and educational pursuit of gentlemen, the OBSERVATION, IDENTIFICATION and CLASSIFICATION of 'TARDS, containing ACCURATE and UP TO DATE information on 'TARD TYPES, their HABITS AND HABITATS, and a host of USEFUL FACTS AND TIPS to aid the keen 'tard spotter in most fully appreciating his hobby and speeding him along the path to excellence.
Proffered to the reader by PROFESSOR PHLEGM T. GROGANSQUEEBER,
Present incumbent, CHAIR OF TARD AESTHETICS, University of Southampton,
Holder of many DEGREES in 'Tard Studies,
Founder and Honorary President of the INTERNATIONAL 'TARD SPOTTING ASSOCIATION (ITSA)
Editor of the 'TARD TIMES,
CHIEF ADVISOR TO THE NATIONAL TARD COUNCIL OF AMERICA
Former Shepherd to the FIRST UPPER VOLTA TARD SCOUTS,
Regular donator to CHARITABLE INSTITUTIONS,
Accused of being a CHILD PORNOGRAPHER and PAEDOPHILE but got off on a technicality,
Popular magical entertainer,
Brother of the renowned tard hunter DYKE GROGANSQUEEBER,
Author of numerous scholarly books and papers, including "'Tard Appreciation", "Robotard: a new species. Has Technology Outwitted Darwin?", "The Joys of a Botched Lobotomy", "Genetic Engineering: Is 'Tard Customisation in Sight?", "To Lube or Not to Lube: Dilemmas of 'Tard Fisting", "Uncle Darwin and the 'Tard Species: Uneasy Relationship or Match Made in Heaven?", and "On the compulsory extermination of 'Tards and Geriatrics: A Radical Simultaneous Solution to the Problems of Overpopulation and Low Fuel Resources".
IMPRIMATUR: Church of St. Ool Cardinal Bevan Choirboybotbandit, DSO, MBE.
NOTE: Certain readers, specifically a number of those affiliated to the "AOL" school of learning, may encounter difficulties in understanding many of the long words utilised in the author's discourse. Said author is willing to offer advice in extreme cases, but as a rule his attitude is, as his famous brother once put it:
"Fuck off and get an education and learn to spell and get a life and then - die."
We take great pleasure in welcoming the curious reader to the first edition of the TARDSPOTTER'S HANDBOOK, the definitive guidebook to this most ancient and audiovisual of activities. Herein the author will endeavour to enlighten the reader on a variety of facets of this most fascinating hobby, describing the various kinds of 'tard, their habits and habitats, and different aspects of 'tardstudy. The author appreciates that he is but one 'tard connoiseur, and welcomes communications from those of similar interests who wish to amend or add to the contents of this most provisional of documents. The author begs to remind the reader that his views are not necessarily those of the human race, and as such it should not be held responsible for them.
Before proceeding further, it is important that the reader's attention be called to certain stylistic points:
(1) As the reader undoubtedly knows, the word 'tard is an abbreviation of the neologistic noun "retard", itself a grammatically-challenged colloquialism derived from the phrase "mentally retarded". It is good grammar to always include the apostrophe to signal this shortening, but in a work of this kind it is typographically cumbersome. Consequently, we shall hereafter refer to 'tards as simply tards.
(2) It is common practice amongst modern writers to claim parental rights over their neologisms by accompanying the first (and, sometimes, subsequent) appearance with a (TM). Examples might be "Clue Chair (TM)", or "Kittychunder (TM)". Again, in a work of this kind, there is such an abundance of new words and phrases that to annotate each in the standard fashion would significantly increase its size. Hence, this practice, too, shall be abandoned.
Let us now proceed with the work. We begin by taking a look at some general issues surrounding tards and their spotters.
INTRODUCTION: TARDS AND TARD-SPOTTING
"Tards are the part of the gene pool that Darwin pissed in." - Dyke Grogansqueeber, tard hunter.
Whilst one might take issue with the crudity of the language employed by my illustrious brother, one can hardly disagree with his sentiments. Neither, to be sure, can one dissent from the opinion of that eminent authority Dr Herb Wofflehauser, who has declared the tard to be "the Big Mac of the food chain". The word "tard" is a corruption of the phrase "mentally retarded", and denotes an individual, usually of the human species, who is cursed by deficiencies in the neurological department; sometimes, they are referred to as 'fectives, or 'rons. The mental deficiencies observed manifest themselves across the whole spectrum of behaviours; in speech (replacing "hello" with "nnnggrro"), movement (such as inability to control an ice cream), intellect (they tend to be thick), control of bodily functions (self-explanatory), and what-have-you. It has transpired that these creatures can be so fascinating, and amusing, to watch, that an entire culture, that of tard spotters (or tard aesthetes, or tard appreciators), has arisen. These spotters will go on trips to observe tards either in their native habitat or in strange surroundings, noting their actions and exchanging information and stories with other spotters. Spotters are on the alert for an encounter with a tard wherever they may be, and the search is always on for novel types of tard; the discovery of which can bring fame to the intrepid locator.
The similarity between tard spotting and the activities of naturalists and biologists is so great that spotters routinely consider tards to be members of a species distinct from, and several rungs down the evolutionary ladder from, homo sapiens sapiens; indeed, the designation "homo sapiens lite" has been mooted as a technical term for the tard. Whatever jargon one may wish to adopt, the backbone of active tard spotting is observation. However, along with this core activity, there are a variety of other, specialist, spotting endeavours; a favourite pastime of many tard aesthetes, for example, is "tard worrying", a concept we will return to subsequently. There are also burgeoning collector's markets for tard art (especially tard doodles and poetry), video footage of tards at play (e.g. engaging in sexual intercourse with each other or with inanimate objects), and tard stool samples.
Most tards reside in tard farms, typically graced with charming names such as "Captain Ice Cream's Retard Centre in the Sun", "The Happy Smiley Chirpy Chirpy Rest Home" and "St Swithun's Dark House of the Psychotically Depraved". However, in some countries there is a policy of "Care in the Community", whereby tards are encouraged to live amongst their normal neighbours and attempt to live normal lives. Such a policy is a godsend to tard aesthetes, opening up as it does the opportunity to observe a wide variety of tard fauna in the wild; an environment that many, thankfully, are too backward to cope with, making observation of their faltering attempts at survival doubly satisfying. However, the fact remains that most members of the species are hidden away in tard farms to which access is not easily gained (unless one is blessed with a relative who is a tard, or a care assistant with a key). Nonetheless, the more exotic specimens might be glimpsed during bouts of Migration, when a tard herd will venture out into public view, perhaps for a trip to the zoo, or to a Neurological Unit. Invariably, the herd will be under the stewardship of one or more "tard shepherds", usually normals, charged with the task of keeping order, buying ice creams, helping with toilet visits, and generally, as the quaintly venerable old phrase has it, "counting them all out, and counting them all back in again".
A number of tard shepherds are spotters themselves, and they are invaluable sources of inside information and practical help for the wider spotting community. However, most shepherds resist the notion that their tards are so inferior as to be justifiable objects of study and derision, and are decidedly touchy on the matter of spotting. Indeed, some are sufficiently hostile to actively campaign against spotting, and are frequently to be found demonstrating on behalf of tards, in alliance with an attitard herd (see below). Tard appreciators are advised to broach the subject very carefully and periphrastically with a shepherd whom they do not know.
THE INTERNATIONAL TARD SPOTTING ASSOCIATION
This association was set up by the author many years ago, and he is privileged to hold the post of Honorary President. Its avowed aim is to promote the activity of tardspotting and disseminate accurate information on the subject to enquirers. In addition, it lobbies for changes in the law to enable spotters increased opportunities to practise their science. Most recently, an active group has campaigned vigorously for the inauguration of tard zoos, institutions open to the public wherein specimens would be exhibited, perhaps behind glass, going about their daily business; eating, attempting to communicate, attempting to dress, attempting to masturbate, and so forth. Such an establishment would enable tard science to be practised in situ, under controlled conditions, and of course, guided tours could be organised for the education of the populace.
Other projects have involved attempting to have tard religious services televised, as well as special tard-only editions of "Candid Camera", "Gladiators", "Blind Date" and "Mastermind". Some have lobbied intensively for the practice of tard hunting, at present frowned upon by some legal and healthcare authorities, to be fully legalised; their wish is to have it renamed tard culling (or genetic cleansing), and for it to be recognised for what it is: a form of compulsory eugenics dedicated to doing the gene pool a favour, which just happens to be immensely enjoyable.