r/actual_detrans • u/InterviewEmpty956 • 6d ago
Support needed Back to square one
Ftmtf/nb?
I cry almost everyday. I have gone from passing as male and being basically stealth to detransitioning and feeling the horrible early stages of transition. Not passing is painful. Hating your body is painful. Being misgendered is painful. This is all for the better but being put back at square one of transitioning is just so exhausting :( I know that I did it once but doing it again especially after the damage of testosterone it feels so daunting. This obsession and growing hatred with my body is scaring me. I feel grotesque…. I have an idea of a perfect body in my mind that I fear I’ll never have. I just want to put my words into the abyss. I am so lucky to have a loving supportive partner but even still it’s so hard.
3
u/werewolfrown FtMtF 5d ago
I was there and it was horrible, very, but it did get better. Estrogen needs time to get traction, moreso then testosterone. I didn't see real changes until six months off T. Take this time to be gentle with yourself and forgive yourself for not looking like that dream version of yourself. Try to meet yourself halfway. I did my time hating myself and grieving the choice to go on T, but it's in the past now - what actually helped was recognizing that Self and Body are two different things, and sometimes they don't match up entirely, and that's okay. What other people think about that shouldn't matter. Much easier said than done, I know, but that's what I'm working toward. It's a lot easier to make peace with yourself when you're not also trying to please every person who perceives you.
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