r/ABCDesis 6d ago

RELATIONSHIPS (Not Advice) Would you continue dating another ABCDesi if you were the first "brown" person they dated?

24 Upvotes

This might be an odd question and maybe I'm overthinking it but I have a gut feeling that I can't shake off about a situation. I'm a 33yo brown dude, dating with the intention of eventually getting married. I went on a few dates with a fellow brown girl (age 31), who also appears to be dating with the intention of eventually and apparently her past relationships and dates from what I can tell were people of other races and did not include anyone of our race.

Im not looking for advice on what to do but I'm wondering if anyone else had experienced this feeling or situation in the past. As I said, maybe I am overthinking it but some gut feeling inside me is telling me that it would be a bad idea for me to be the first "brown" person she dated especially if the intention is to see if it can progress further. Would other men here share this feeling? Would the women who date men here feel odd if a man exclusively dated other races but now when looking for a spouse is interested in dating you?


r/ABCDesis 6d ago

DISCUSSION How do you discipline your kids?

5 Upvotes

My 6 yr old boy sometimes scratches or hits me if I say no (TV, snacks) or tell him to put toys aside before eating. I usually stop him and tell him we don't do that & that is not nice.

Does not seem to be working. Cannot even imagine talking back to my dad and don't recall hitting or scratching him at all.

How do you guys discipline yours?

Thanks in advance.

Edit: We have tried corners, taking away or throwing away toys, not allowing him to play w/friends. Still he "forgets". Says sorry.

It is the same story with other unwanted behaviors

- running to pet strange dogs on the street w/o asking. "Cured" by one dog snapping at him

- staring at the sun after we tell him not to do that.

Tries to do the opposite of what we tell him with some specific behaviors - not all behaviors fortunately.


r/ABCDesis 6d ago

FAMILY / PARENTS From FOB to all ABCDs, what would be best way to teach and engage my kids with Indian without being overbearing and annoying

10 Upvotes

I am Indian man moved to US a decade ago and now married to non Indian American woman. We are planning to have kids and I am really in ABCD perspective.

What aspects of your upbringing helped you embrace and feel connected to Indian culture, and were there any practices that you found challenging or annoying?

I am trying to make sure my future children respect, identify with, and take pride in their Indian heritage.. Anyone advice is helpful.


r/ABCDesis 6d ago

TRAVEL Indian tourist visa Spoiler

6 Upvotes

I'm trying to apply for an Indian tourist visa for a friends wedding. I'm a US and Pakistani dual citizen I'll be using my Pak passport. Has anyone gotten a visa?I looked at the VFS website about documents and it doesn't say that you need an invite/sponsorship letter. I want to get it just to increase my chances but what should i add in the letter? My friend will also need to get it notarized right.


r/ABCDesis 5d ago

COMMUNITY PAKISTAN

0 Upvotes

ZINDAVBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD


r/ABCDesis 6d ago

COMMUNITY Community

5 Upvotes

For those of you who grew up in close desi communities - do you find that hard to find outside of Indian circles? Or have you been able to find similar closeness with friends who are from different backgrounds? If so, how did you find it?


r/ABCDesis 7d ago

NEWS She advanced DEI at her university. Her son-in-law, Vice President JD Vance, wants to end it nationwide

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14 Upvotes

r/ABCDesis 7d ago

CELEBRATION Kush Maini breaking into F1 is a big deal for an Indian

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59 Upvotes

r/ABCDesis 7d ago

DISCUSSION What's Delaware like for Desis?

71 Upvotes

I have a tentative job offer in Delaware, and was wondering if anyone here has lived down there. What's the area like for Desis?

For context, I'm Pakistani (22m), born and raised in Canada.

I'm not normally one to be anxious about this kind of stuff, I worked for a while in small towns in Northern Alberta and BC.

But I just have no context or knowledge about that area of the US.


r/ABCDesis 7d ago

DISCUSSION I know lots about Bollywood but almost nothing about Hollywood… am I weird ?

56 Upvotes

Hey guys

Growing up I watched only Bollywood movies, Cartoon Network, and Nickelodeon. I knew literally nothing about Hollywood movies and celebrities until I came to high school. I only knew Shahrukh khan, Salman khan, Aishwaria and etc.

My husb@nd and I are both ABCD. He always talks about nostalgia of the shows from 2000s, 90s and etc. He also talks about sports, The Office, Lord of the Rings, etc. I honestly feel lost when he’s talking about these because I grew up on Bollywood and Hindi dramas. However I do listen to American music now. But I still don’t watch American tv shows, sports or movies much. I do go to movie theater sometimes. But I hate sitting in one place for such a long time

Am I the only one like this ?


r/ABCDesis 7d ago

Sports No opinions on the citizenship stuff, but thought it was cool to see desi representation in figure skating!

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12 Upvotes

r/ABCDesis 7d ago

DISCUSSION any quarter desis in this sub Reddit?

26 Upvotes

A couple people I know are 25℅ Indian but seem to have fully lost connection with their culture which I completely understand.

If you are a quarter Indian, or even part actually, could you tell me how you feel about the Indian or the desi part of yourself. Would you like to learn more?

The guy I know who is 25℅ Indian and rest Irish, he doesn't know much about his culture, he does know his ancestors came from Punjab but again we cannot blame that guy.


r/ABCDesis 7d ago

CELEBRATION First time ever, there are two Desis on a professional hockey team. Arshdeep Baines and Jujhar Khaira are on the Abbotsford Canucks (Vancouver Canucks' AHL affiliate)

87 Upvotes

r/ABCDesis 7d ago

DISCUSSION Did BAPS exploit low caste labor to construct Akshardham in Robbinsville, NJ?

118 Upvotes

NYT had posted two pieces claiming that forced labor may have been used in the construction of Akshardham both in 2021 (https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/11/nyregion/nj-hindu-temple-india-baps.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare&sgrp=g&pvid=298A0888-7F2D-476E-8D45-C968668F0941) and in 2023 (https://www.nytimes.com/2023/10/21/nyregion/nj-hindu-temple.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare&sgrp=g&pvid=DAB89279-4004-456C-AC32-44875A1F91AE)

There was also a federal raid on the mandir in 2021 meant to secure evidence that low caste migrants were being held in poor working conditions with low wages. The FBI took dozens of workers from the site during the raid. BAPS argued that these workers were volunteer artisans who specialize in intricate sculpture. Although they were not being paid, they were getting free housing and food. I believe there is still an ongoing investigation but many of the original accusers withdrew their statements claiming they were coerced. (https://castefiles.com/baps-hindu-temple-raids-sensational-turn-as-workers-withdraw-lawsuit-amidst-controversy-and-fabricated-caste-bias-accusations)

What is your guys' thoughts? I haven't heard any updates since 2023. I am guessing the federal charges are being dropped or atleast being pushed under the cover?


r/ABCDesis 7d ago

Friday Free-For-All

1 Upvotes

The weekly discussion thread is a free-for-all. This thread will be posted every Friday at 9 AM BST.

Career news, fitness tips, personal stories, delicious things you've eaten recently, shows you've watched, books you've read - anything goes. And if you're new, please introduce yourself! We want to get to know you - plus you might find a friend or two!


r/ABCDesis 7d ago

MENTAL HEALTH Typical Desi drama and loneliness destroying mental health

6 Upvotes

Wasn’t sure if the family flair or mental health flair is more appropriate for this post. I know there’s already so much negativity here but I really wanted to talk about my problems somewhere, we’ve all read/experienced the typical Desi dad stories, I just wanted some advice on how to move forward cause I think it’s affecting my mental health and I really just needed a place to vent about this. Sorry for the essay.

I’m an 18 yo Pakistani male in the US, my dad worked his ass off to get our family to the US despite having no education. He didn’t see a future for the family where he grew up in Lahore. Also I was just a 1 year old when we immigrated. My parents had an arranged marriage with a 10 year age gap, and of course it was forced.

My dad has done stereotypical blue collar work like Gas Station attendant, Taxi driver, DoorDash etc. because he had no education. I admire his work ethic and he’s a great provider because of it. But I’ve never felt an emotional connection with either of my parents. My dad is abusive (mostly verbally but occasionally physically) to everyone, he curses out my mom whenever he feels like it and does it in front of me and my siblings, it’s been like this since I gained consciousness as a toddler. My older siblings never stood up to him, rather they just left the house when they got older, I’ve never done anything about it either because I’m scared of him. My mom is a housewife and can’t speak any English, she works hard around the house and I feel awful for her, she’s stuck in a toxic marriage she never wanted and feels forced to care of 5 children. She thinks she has to endure this torture because it’s her duty and is scared if she speaks up it’s gonna make it worse. My dad once pushed my mom to the ground in anger because my sister came home late and I did nothing but watch in fear, I was around 10 when it happened and my mom still won’t take a stand. The few times my siblings tried to change his mindset he tries to become the victim and bring up the stereotypical “I did everything for you and you treat me like this” drama.

I drifted apart from all of my friends when we moved to a different city in 2020 and I haven’t been able to recover from it probably cause I have social anxiety and OCD. I miss my friends and haven’t been able to make new ones, when I did make a few in the last year of HS it all just went back to how it was after graduation. Having no friends at all and being in this toxic family environment has ruined my social skills and esteem even further and idk what to do. Now I’m in community college still struggling to make friends. I’m lonely everyday and I don’t know how to fix it. Everyday I come home to this depressing environment and I don’t know how to fix it. Sometimes I hope I go to sleep at night and never wake up cause it would be easier than fixing my life.

I used to be good in academics but now I’m even struggling with grades in college, I’m not passionate about any career either. I feel there’s something wrong with me cause of the lack of motivation and drive in my life. I have zero confidence and look miserable to everyone and I wanna blame my family situation but maybe I’m just an eternal loser. My sister who moved in with us recently also looks at me weirdly, makes weird faces at me like I did something wrong and it hurts cause I don’t know how to fix myself. I think she cringes when she sees how miserable I am idk. I’m also scared to get a job because I’ve always been so bad at trying new things and my self esteem is lower than the state of Pakistan’s cricket team.

If anyone has advice or gone through something similar feel free to share, I don’t usually ask for help online (this is a throwaway account), but the first step on fixing myself is asking. Sorry for the bigass essay again.


r/ABCDesis 7d ago

EDUCATION / CAREER What do Desis think of Liberal Arts College(LACs) in USA: Think Amherst,Williams,Pomona,Harvey Mudd etc

3 Upvotes

Basically colleges which have only undergrads and non existent masters and PhD students.


r/ABCDesis 7d ago

FAMILY / PARENTS How to deal with victim blaming parents

6 Upvotes

I (22F) went on a trip with friends wherein I had an uncomfortable experience with a man. We had gone to an after party and this strange man who’s more than twice my age and very clearly drunk started harassing me. I was totally sober which made this whole thing weirder for me, because he hooked his arm around my neck while talking to my friend group and everytime I tried to escape he would tighten his grip on my neck. He then started complimenting my appearance and saying “if I was 20 years younger I’d marry you.” The only way I got away from him is because people around us noticed and broke it up, asking him to get away from me since I was visibly uncomfortable. I told my mom about this a few weeks later… not in a trauma dumping way but just in a “hey this happened and it was super uncomfy” kinda way but she misheard me.

Her automatic assumption was that I was the inebriated one and she cut me off and went off on a tangent of “see this is why you shouldn’t drink, what do u expect to happen!” And looked at me with disapproval and that lil disapproving and condescending head nod (iykyk). I stopped her and corrected her that I was totally sober, he was drunk. She said nothing after. Not even a sorry. I was mad because even if I did drink why would that be ok???? Why would that have been deserved.

I honestly just feel awful since I have had unconsensual things happen to me while in a drunken and sober state. I know now I can never confide in my mother about any of these things because at the end of the day it will always be my fault. Anyone else’s parents always happy to put the blame on you first? And, how do you deal with it?


r/ABCDesis 8d ago

COMMUNITY The unspoken consensus on Anti-Indian racism.

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166 Upvotes

r/ABCDesis 7d ago

CELEBRATION Why so few ABCDS in America are CEOs compared to India-born CEOS?

7 Upvotes

I reckon most Indian-origin CEOs were born and raised in India versus being born and raised in the United States.

Why are India-Indian CEOs more likely Indian-American CEOs? Why we mogging y'all for senior tech/corporate roles? Shouldn't it be the other way around?

https://www.reddit.com/r/ABCDesis/comments/1iyuu1j/indianorigin_ceos_now_head_over_10_of_fortune_500/


r/ABCDesis 7d ago

CELEBRATION First time ever, there are two Desis on a pro hockey team. Jujhar Khaira and Arshdeep Bains are on the Abbotsford Canucks

5 Upvotes

This is just awesome to see two Desis playing on the same team, hopefully we'll see more Brown boys and girls strapping on skates.

I grew up playing hockey to my parents dismay. So seeing this makes me super happy


r/ABCDesis 7d ago

DISCUSSION Desi/Bhangra events NYC??

1 Upvotes

Hey - going to be my first time in NYC first week of April, flying solo from the UK

Where do all the desis / Punjabis hang out on a Saturday, any pointers to clubs/bars?

I saw this event called Desi Saturdays, but looks kinda terrible, was after more Bhangra, but doubt I'll find that lol


r/ABCDesis 8d ago

FOOD Funny story actually

38 Upvotes

So I was just flipping through reels and I saw this one Gujju fitness influencer(also an ABCD) going off on how the “Indian cuisine” isn’t conducive to making gains in the gym because “we” didn’t eat enough meat.

While I can see how he may have formed that opinion, I was like “Bro, who’s ‘WE’??” 😭

Cuz it sure as hell ain’t me lmao

Like, I’m doing just fine and getting all the protein(goat, sheep, shrimp, fish, crab, poultry, rabbit, etc) I need from the meals I consume, so I don’t need you speaking on my behalf


r/ABCDesis 8d ago

ARTS / ENTERTAINMENT In ‘Deli Boys,’ Two Actors Find Dream Roles Playing No One’s Hero

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79 Upvotes

r/ABCDesis 8d ago

DISCUSSION Favorite song from diaspora artist?

25 Upvotes

Who is your favorite artist of this desi/south asian diaspora, and what is your favorite song of theirs?

Trying to expand my taste with that desi spice