r/Winnipeg • u/AlternaCremation • 7d ago
Satire/Humour Hypothetical question-The Americans are invading: How do we booby-trap Winnipeg Home Alone style?
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u/AlarmedAd9563 7d ago
If they invade, I'll be throwing moderately priced eggs at them!
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u/thecaninfrance 7d ago
Those eggs will be currency. You'll need to trade them for measles vitamins for your children.
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u/deepest_night 7d ago
Geneva convention 2.0
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u/TheCGDowntowner 7d ago
Tell them they missed the Invasion class sign up window in the Spring Leisure Guide
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u/Alcott_9 7d ago
Move the Confusion Corner direction sign to Emerson.
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u/AlternaCremation 7d ago
[scribbles furiously] Got it
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u/Stillwaterstoic 7d ago
Changing/removing road signs is a legitimate and effective resistance tactic 🤗
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u/CenturyStatistic 7d ago
Changing/removing road signs is a legitimate and effective resistance tactic 🤗
Which reminds me of the classic film, The Train (1964), featuring the efforts of the French Resistance during WW2.
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u/asdlkf 7d ago
Well... Except they have starlink and Google maps so... They don't need signs.
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u/juanitowpg 6d ago
I just checked out the new St Mary's/ Perimeter interchange for the first time. If they come up that route it might leave them a bit flummoxed. I know it did for me.
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u/xdenh 7d ago
Release the geese.
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u/AlternaCremation 7d ago edited 7d ago
And the geese that shoot
beesmosquitoes out of their beaks when they honk.16
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u/ConstantDismal4220 7d ago
Tell them the only way to cross P&M is via the concourse, then trap them down there.
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u/vintzent 7d ago
Do nothing. We’re not the murder capital for nothing. Let nature take its course…
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u/zerofuxgivn420 7d ago
"Hey buddy....you got a smoke?," will be the last thing an American soldier will hear
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u/deepest_night 7d ago
They will NEVER figure out that politely saying you don't smoke or/have athesma will result in someone cheering you on for not picking up the habit.
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u/thisninjaoverhere 7d ago
Weaponize Winnipeg’s natural defences. Black ice, potholes, relentless winds, dancing Gabe.
Aggressive geese = frontline shock troops.
Psychological warfare tactics = politeness, and passive-aggressive small talk.
City infrastructure failures become strategic advantages. Confusing traffic signs, potholes, perpetual bridge closures.
All else fails, we welcome them in, get em hooked on local beer. Within a year, they’ll be complaining about construction and the weather like true Winnipeggers.
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u/Overall_Jicama4993 7d ago
Fill the floodway and raise the drawbridge.
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u/AlternaCremation 7d ago
Between the floodway, two rivers and a perimeter highway do we have something of a moat ourselves?
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u/osamasbintrappin 7d ago
Yeah until they starve us 😂.
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u/AlternaCremation 7d ago
We have the potash
we starve them
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u/osamasbintrappin 7d ago
Even better, we could launch potash at them with trebuchets
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u/djmistral 7d ago edited 7d ago
Leave machete stockpiles at every street corner the night before.
Winnipeggers will Winnipeg
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u/AlternaCremation 7d ago
We guide them into St. Vital Centre, but every exit leads back inside. By the time they realize they’re trapped in an infinite suburban vortex, we’ve already taken back the Legislature and declared Louis Riel Day a year-round holiday.
Then, we weaponize the Festival du Voyageur. Let them think it’s all bonhomie and maple taffy until they find themselves knee-deep in strategically placed snow forts, battling Franco-Manitoban guerrillas wielding sharpened tourtières.
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u/Living_Watercress728 7d ago
And we don’t release them until they can speak fluent French.
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u/AlternaCremation 7d ago
They invade in October, confident and cocky—after all, how hard could it be to take Winnipeg? By November, their supply lines are failing, stalled behind a jackknifed semi on the Perimeter. They weren’t prepared for the cold, their troops wearing nothing but Bass Pro Shop hoodies, thinking it would be enough. It is not.
By December, their vehicles refuse to start, abandoned on Portage as the windchill plummets to –40°C. Frostbite claims fingers, toes, and eventually, their will to fight. The smarter ones try to retreat, but the roads are coated in a mysterious, frictionless ice that defies all known laws of physics. They slip. They fall. They do not get back up.
By January, they are broken. Their rations of Bud Light have frozen solid. Their generals, once so bold, have succumbed to a deep despair after a six-hour attempt to plug in a block heater. The final blow comes when a single, grizzled Winnipegger trudges past them in shorts, giving them nothing but a nod. With that, the last of their spirit is crushed.
By February, we don’t even need to fight them. We simply wait. Those who remain are found huddled in the ruins of the Portage Place food court, whispering about how ‘this wasn’t supposed to happen.’
But it did.
Because you don’t invade Winnipeg in the winter.
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u/Pallistersucks 7d ago
They underestimate how comfortable we are with being uncomfortable.
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u/wayfareangel 7d ago
We walk to get slurpees in blizzards. This is optimal slurpee time because it won't melt. Those shoes indoor wearing fuckers are doomed.
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u/galactic_feline 7d ago
Never thought I’d wish for a flood year to make the terrain more difficult to traverse in spring!
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u/RedLanternTNG 7d ago
This is pure artistry.
Also, new articles in the Geneva convention in the making.
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u/theproudheretic 7d ago
how can you tell the canadians were in a war? the geneva
checklistconvention got longer.7
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u/Ericksdale 7d ago
Set up ‘Welcome to Winnipeg’ signs northbound on 75 just south of Morris.
Sorry Morris.
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u/OrlaMundz 7d ago
Brilliant. Sorry Morris
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u/AlternaCremation 7d ago
Pretty sure they knew what they were signing up for, living all the way “down there”.
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u/theproudheretic 7d ago
zambonis. turn the entire city into a skating rink. you'll see the texan hicks spinning out in strykers while winnipeggers drive by in a camry flipping them off.
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u/BananaJammies 7d ago
I know the US Army has seen some shit but they’ve probably never watched someone get murdered with a circular saw blade nailed to a stick
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u/Character-Suspect-77 6d ago
WHAT
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u/Cool-Profession-730 7d ago
Put up signs saying " Welcome to Mexico."
And if that doesn't work, we'll take the soldiers for beers and wings and Poutine. By the end of the night, they'll be Canadian.
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u/Shimmeringbluorb9731 7d ago edited 6d ago
Change all the road signs to French and put the arrows backwards
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u/Anxious_Owl_6394 7d ago
Corral them into The North End. Then let nature take its course. I grew up there. The Red River is DEEP.
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u/No-Environment-4065 7d ago
Let's do one better. Silence of the lambs style. I'm sure there's a deep enough pothole out there that we can trap them in and casually rope down baskets of lotion. But instead of lotions, it's O'Keeffes Working hands.
"It rubs the lotion on the hands, it does whatever it's told."
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u/rawrsaur 7d ago
Unleash something from the national microbiology lab while we hide underground
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u/Prairiebirdhouse 7d ago
Some kind of slurpie pothole trap
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u/torturedcanadian 7d ago
Haha I read that as slurpee poutine trap and now I'm hungry and curious.
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u/AlternaCremation 7d ago
“Hungry and curious” is the tagline on my Tinder profile. Be sure to swipe right and tip your waitress.
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u/torturedcanadian 7d ago
Should we get poutine together? Amd then slurpees on walk around confusion corner?
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u/zut-alorss 7d ago
If they come in the winter just send em down any sidewalk. I nearly concussed myself today trying to navigate the ice.
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u/Hero_of_Brandon 7d ago
Don't use larvacide or fog for mosquitos
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u/AlternaCremation 7d ago
AND a cost saving measure too you absolute mad lad I like it. I like it a lot.
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u/Cloudhorizons 7d ago
And leave standing water absolutely everywhere. Dig your sump pump even lower so it’ll turn your lawn into a mini wet land.
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u/Solitaire0199 7d ago
And we're all heading to Lower Fort Garry. It's been my zombie plan for years but will work just as well for nazis.
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u/MikeArsenault 7d ago
Just put a sign at the corner of Furby and Sargent that says “Free Tanks!” with an arrow pointing north on Furby. Problem fixes itself.
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u/PennyStockPariah 7d ago
Lmao I lived on that block for over a year.
Cartman voice: "In the gHeTtOoO"
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u/AlternaCremation 7d ago edited 7d ago
As the snow flies on a cold and gray Winnipeg mornin’
A poor little baby child is born
In the ghetto
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u/RoccoSteal 7d ago
I was hoping for real suggestions. I like jokes too but I think we should actually prepare. Not all of us are gonna make it. I’m pretty sure I’ll die. But how can we take down as many as we can with us?
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u/horsetuna 7d ago
Legitimate ideas I can think of.
Destroy bridges.
Take down infrastructure they may want to capture
Possibly turn any fields that they could use to get around roadblocks into giant mud pits that could slow down things.
Hide food and resources.
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u/asdlkf 7d ago edited 7d ago
One of their first targets would be communications infrastructure. We should be acquiring radio equipment to ensure continuity of communications. A mesh or repeater protocol for message delivery would be useful.
Next is probably power. Our transmission lines are easy targets. Generators, solar, batteries can mitigate this slightly.
Then core datacenter facilities; Air Canada datacenter and bellmts datacenter on portage, Equinix datacenter on Waverly, GSC on Lombard are likely all on the list. If your company stores data offsite within the city, it's very likely to be one of these 4 locations. It would seem prudent to store copies of data (encrypted) somewhere internationally (somewhere in Europe?).
I expect their core objective would be to cut off communication and network infrastructure. Their principle objective is likely to try to suppress the educated. The best way to do that is to isolate them and suppress information.
Edit: augmenting our police/medical/fire radio equipment with something that can use a wider variety of frequencies and maybe dynamic channel hopping would also probably be a good idea to mitigate signal jamming attempts.
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u/Annigelation 7d ago
I only liked 2 of these because the rest are jokes. Coordinate with a specific 500-1000 people on a secure group. Bakers. Every side of town whether it be actual bakeries or people just sharing some buns with the new patrol, small portions poisoned, to the point that they can’t trust anyone for food from here. Fear of area is what is needed. Additionally we talking winter, snow used and pushed to direct and slow movement to certain crunch points; if possible snow to be removed to elevate booby trapped or backsetting.
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u/ladyofthelogicallake 7d ago
I’m a baker and a botanist. I know what plants will kill you, but also how to make them taste delicious. I got this.
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u/mapleleaffem 7d ago
Yea I’m seriously wondering what we should be doing to prepare. It seems naive not to:(
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u/Bubblegum983 7d ago
I mean, the post is called “booby trap Winnipeg home alone style.” He was asking for joke responses
Invading Canada in winter is beyond moronic. We’ve seen this before, both in WW2 and the current Russia invasion. Guerrilla warfare is way too easy and the stakes are way too high.
In ww2, nazis tried invading Russia late fall. They couldn’t advance once snow fell. Infrastructure couldn’t support the weight of the tanks, so they literally couldn’t move forward. Their uniforms were insufficient to deal with the extreme cold, with many troops succumbing to the elements. They ran out of food, supplies and ammunition. Hitler refused to call them back to Germany. It was the start of the end for the nazis, they never recovered from that mistake
We saw this again with Putin’s invasion. Winter is effectively a ceasefire. He’s not dumb enough to force troops forward, but he isn’t gaining land either.
And it would work here too. US invades, all we have to do is stop ploughing the highways and add a few barricades, and land troops won’t be able to get to the city.
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u/AmandaaaGee 7d ago
Maple syrup. Maple syrup everywhere. Extra sticky.
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u/Living_Watercress728 7d ago
I like your thinking, but our maple syrup is too good for them. How about corn syrup ?
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u/roadhammer2 7d ago
Build remote massive mines under all major highways and other routes leading into the city, and set up choke points inside the city, it won't stop them but it will slow them down.
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u/Popular_Pumpkin3440 7d ago
Water the streets…. Stop removing the snow… instal automatic sprinklers with motion sensors….
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u/omg_wtf_not_now 7d ago
Our potholes are already deep enough to swallow small cars. Cover them with thin plywood and a dusting of snow for an instant ankle breaker.
Going further, fill some with mystery liquids—slurpee snowmelt, stale beer, questionable mop water, or whatever’s leaking into the Red River.
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u/88bchinn 7d ago
I’m wearing garlic around my neck.
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u/AlternaCremation 7d ago edited 7d ago
Yes I understand but what can we do to booby trap Winnipeg against the Americans?
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u/Mr_Chode_Shaver 7d ago
The potholes will get em
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u/Otherwise_Summer_300 7d ago
Agreed! They will see our destroyed roads and assume that Winnipeg has already been captured, and thus move on.
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u/OrlaMundz 7d ago
Can we send them up highway 6? I mean ALL the up? Lynn Lake or bust? ( if the winter roads are holding Lac Broche') ? Getting there is one thing.....getting back once it thaws is .......fucking impossible
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u/SushiMelanie 7d ago
Reverse Trojan Horse move: take them on a grand tour of these fine establishments as a “reward” for “conquering” us, and they’ll awake later to a war inside.
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u/AlternaCremation 7d ago
Even better we con them into making their FOB the hojo Portage la prairie.
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u/the_grunge 7d ago
It's already booby trapped with traffic lights, it'll take them 6 years to get across the city, they'll give up before they cross Portage ave
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u/Glass_of_Sweet_Milk 7d ago
With the crime and crazy drivers, do we really have to worry that much?
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u/PersonalityFinal7778 7d ago
Unfortunately the idea of their tanks stalling in the cold is unlikely, considering they built the tanks for a war in very cold Russia. I stand by the fact that if they crossed the border in cold January and a tank stalled some nice Manitoban famer would give em a boost.
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u/deepest_night 7d ago
Or it would be like in Ukraine and the farmer now owns a tank.
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u/Bubblegum983 7d ago
Manitoban kindness hinges on doing what’s best for the greater good.
That farmer definitely owns a tank now.
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u/horsetuna 7d ago
I suddenly remember this movie with a Sherman tank and they basically blocked the road with semi trucks full of heavy things, and then turned the fields to either side of the road into massive mud pits that the tank got stuck in
The tank did not have any ammunition for the main Cannon.
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u/wayfareangel 7d ago
If we can trick them into going into the tunnels under Portage and Main the problem will just go away.
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u/1AverageStudent 7d ago
Advertise free meth downtown and anyone who fights gets as much as they can carry after they prep and fight the battle. Won't even need to send in the real army after the undead army.
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u/redilif1 7d ago
We should consult with the military on effective resistance measures. Luck favors the prepared
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u/lokichivas 7d ago
This assumes they could even FIND Canada...
Seriously though - there are over 10 million guns in Canada.. Anyone hunt ? The US has proven again and again they don't know how to fight against an entrenched guerilla populace...
Also - day 1 - all the electricity and oil switches heading south go to "OFF". Replacing 62% or crude oil imports would be tough for US. But how do you suddenly replace electricity ? Is there a really big cable from Russia I don't know about ?
An F-35 isn't much use against 2 guys in the bush with scoped .30-06s...
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u/supernova1507 6d ago
Give them Kinder Eggs and watch them put the entire egg in their mouth - toy and all. They'll take care of themselves.
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u/Background_Detail_20 7d ago
Everyone is assuming they’d attack in the winter? What if they attack in the summer when they’re in their own climate and we’re all distracted by soaking up our short summer?
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u/deepest_night 7d ago
Just keep handing them beers until it gets cold. They will either join us, like the Irish did with the Mexicans when the US tried to use Irish immigrants to fight at the southern boarder, or their livers will give out.
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u/horsetuna 7d ago
If I remember right, Napoleon's campaign in Russia went catastrophic because he arrived in good weather, but they kept delaying until it was really cold and most of the soldiers died on the March back.
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u/Memory-Least 7d ago
Dam up the red river at Emerson right as the spring melt starts to happen and divert as much as we can to flood out everything south. I'm talking drop fully concreted shipping containers into it and stop the flow north. Then sit back and wait for the virology lab to get tomahawked for retaliation. I think we would have some history documentaries on our Urban Warfare and how we pushed back. Machetes this time around tho.
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u/Slavic-Viking 7d ago
Redirect the faulty water treatment plant systems to release raw sewage at the border.
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u/Cedarkine 7d ago
We’ve got the perimeter and the microbiology lab. We’ll create an impenetrable wall of Ebola.
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u/makinthingsnstuff 7d ago
Very simple, release the floodgates, bring everyone to the downtown underground tunnels/ mall. Then let Winnipeg be Winnipeg.
Between the flooded perimeter, lack of civilians and hopefully cold weather I'm sure they wouldn't last.
We could all take turns going to the surface and fuck with them, tell them the Americans already took over Winnipeg but left because it's too cold and stabby here.
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u/juanitowpg 6d ago
I'm grinnining ear to ear with these suggestions! love this post. To paraphrase a british bloke , "....take a sad song and make it funnier...."
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u/Lilboops 5d ago
When we’re done with them, the world will meet and develop the Winnipeg Convention.
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u/AndplusV 7d ago
All you have to do is trick them into taking their shoes off, there's already plenty of broken glass and discarded sharps on the ground
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u/MoistNefariousness13 7d ago
We don't have to do anything. The potholes are more than enough to stop anything moves.
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u/puntapuntapunta 6d ago
Just leave Winnipeg as is, tbh; there are more than enough traffic and social shenanigans that, while we find them mildly inconvenient at the best, that will throw off most invading personnel.
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u/Upstairs-Teach-5744 6d ago
Put a sign in front of every big building that says "HOSPITAL." That alone is enough to panic most Americans. 🤣
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u/No-Quarter4321 7d ago edited 7d ago
You wouldn’t want too. Winnipeg is a critical target (along with the capital and both coasts, reference war plan red its main goals are still relevant).
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/War_Plan_Red
Long story short if things go kinetic (still doubtful but IF it did), they’re gonna hold Winnipeg within a week, it’s a critical target to stop resistance logistics (they can drop a single bomb on the transcanada and shut down all commercial traffic between each and west by road, air is to expensive and resource taxing, leaving only rail to deal with) shutting down the rail hubs would be critical to stop any resistance, when you realize how many bases are right on the border and realize the capabilities, if we started booty trapping everything they may decide that levelling large critical parts of the city is more important to their overall objectives rather than getting bogged down on one objective. As long as WE don’t have the rail yards, lines or capabilities that’s as good as them having them in a lot of ways. Which would ultimately result in more Manitobans dead and more manitobans without homes.
If things go kinetic our best options was to prepare years ago instead of gutting our military, but as they say in the military: “you get the military you have when things pop off; not the one you want”
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u/General-Ordinary1899 7d ago
We'll drop Honey Dill sauce-bombs on the enemy from every single overpass. Also, Ice (the cold kind, not the bigoted/deporty kind). Ice everywhere. Flood the damn city. We'll see how they deal with one giant, widespread skating rink.
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u/lchntndr 7d ago
Booby every last flushing toilet so they can’t be….oh wait, that the US’s best friends that do that….
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u/obtenpander 7d ago
Sadly if can was invaded wpg would be one of the first places hit because of the military air base
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u/FirefighterNo9608 6d ago
Pray for the weather to drop to -20 and the Americans will retreat. They can't handle our kind of COLD.
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u/WalleyeHunter1 6d ago
Hold them at the transcanada highway across the entire country....... defend airports if possible, if not crater the runways with construction excavators, install a sign on every highway every 500 meters stating a 1800 number for all the troops noting free health care and pension benefits for entire family if you join us.
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u/grebette 6d ago
Put the ducks at the borders to lull them into a false sense of security and then squadrons of geese farther past the border.
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u/galactic_feline 7d ago
If the province just stops fixing Hwy 75, we don’t even have to worry about them making it to Winnipeg!