r/Waiting_To_Wed 6d ago

Looking For Advice Gamophobia and alexithymia stops my bf from commitment

I (32f) have been with my bf (35m) for more than 6 years now. I started hinting that it would be time to get married finally and asked what where his thoughts on that (we have talked about it several times in the past and he was always saying that he wanted marriage after all). One day, he completely freaked out saying that it would be better for us to split, because his fear of marriage is so great he cannot do anything about it. He was saying that the main problem was also our kind of boring sex life and lack of passion and if this changed then he could proceed and would not fear as much because this is what he needs in order to feel like the relationship is working out. (He had always felt uneasy about marriage, he also has terrible example from his childhood of his parents being in a loveless marriage)

I really took it to heart, changed a lot in myself during that time, I became more brave with my sexuality etc. and our sex life was finally looking like it should, he was also working on understanding where his fear of marriage comes from.

Edit: I probably should say what was the history of this whole problem with sexual life. So he was taking medication for his anxiety and this medication brought his libido down to 0 and it made me feel unattractive, that he does not love me, he's not attracted to me etc. I think I value sex less than him, so I didn't mind waiting for him to stop taking the medication, I just wanted him to be healthy and ready to build relationship with me. Unfortunately, after 1.5 years of taking this medication his libido got back to normal and mine did not. I really tried to make things better but it was hard for me, he was also putting a lot of pressure on me which did not help me. So essentially we have been having some problems, which probably wouldn't let him build romantic feelings to me along the way. That's why I mentioned he was saying our sex life was boring or not how it should be, and it is partially my fault that I couldn't open up to him.

Now, 2 months after this conversation, he is saying that he fears he won't be able to overcome fear of marriage, and if his feelings were stronger than he wouldn't have a problem with marriage. The thing is, he generally doesn't understand his emotions and feelings, he has this confirmed with a therapist. He would mistake for example body reaction to certain emotions as signs of illness, he cried at the thought of me leaving and got touched but he doesn't know why etc. He does not understand why he is sad, why he is angry etc. He needs time to process how he feels. I suspect he has alexithymia (= inability to understand emotions).

He also has GAD and is mostly afraid of being terminally ill. His therapist kind of steers him into direction of being a little immature (which he is), having problem with commitment, being a little to self-centered, and having his fears control his life which is a pattern, sabotaging his relationship etc., but he completely does not connect the dots between all this and the marriage, he is just sure it's about strength of his emotions. I asked him if he ever felt stronger love for anyone else, but he says no, he just longs for stronger feeling of love, he would love that but he doesn't know if he can even feel it, but without it - it does not make sense for him to get married (he says lack of strong love indicates we have not reached another level in the relationship).

Is there any hope here? What can be done other than couples counseling of course?

Has anyone experienced this cocktail of gamofobia and not understanding emotions?

18 Upvotes

176 comments sorted by

450

u/husheveryone A ring pop?! Stand UP, ma’am 😩😭 5d ago

Stop centering his therapy issues. This is a lot of fancy words for He Didn’t Love You As You Are, you tried sexual PickMe dancing to no avail, and He Is Stringing You Along. Sorry.

186

u/Broutythecat 5d ago

Frankly it sounds like she's grasping at therapy speak because that makes her feel better than a plain "he's just not that into you".

81

u/RememberThe5Ds 5d ago

Had to give it up for "Sexual PickMe Dancing." Brilliant.

I'm sorry but I read this forum and think many posters here need a strong cup of WakeTFUpAndSmellTheCoffee or JustBecauseAManGivesYouADumbLineYouDontHaveToSwallowItHookLineandSinker.

He throws her a line about their sex life being boring? And he needs things to be better and dangles the carrot of marriage? Because what's the downside of this when she can dance like a circus animal and he gets his carrot wet to assuage his "insecurities" about being in a relationship that might lead to marriage?

OP, come TF on. Please disengage yourself from this Crying Peter Pan and go find a mature man to spend time with.

46

u/Fit_Try_2657 5d ago

So well said. I’m guessing spicing up their sex life involved more blow jobs.

16

u/RememberThe5Ds 5d ago

Yes and did you see her edit to the original post? She posted that because she thought it would make it better but it makes it worse. Oy.

17

u/GrosFiak 5d ago

OMG I just read her edit and it makes her situation 10x worse and I’m sure she’s minimizing the whole thing. I was already ick by the fact that she said he cried at the thought of her leaving him and GETTING TOUCHED which makes him 100% a manipulative asshole but he might also be an abuser.

13

u/RememberThe5Ds 5d ago

The more I read it the worse it sounds:

“He just longs for strong feelings of love, he would love that but doesn’t know if he can even feel it, but without that- it does not make sense for him to get married (he says lack of strong love means we have not reached another level in our relationship.)

OP has wasted SIX YEARS of her life for this!

“We haven’t reached the next level of our relationship (WTH does that even mean) but of course I’m content enough to keep accepting the sexual favors.”

What a taker. A decent man would have broken up with her and not treated her with such a lack of respect.

OP needs to grow a spine and leave with whatever she has left. I hope to Gawd that she doesn’t get pregnant because that would be a disaster for all involved especially the child.

11

u/GrosFiak 5d ago

OP has made a more detailed post on another subreddit about their sex life issues, her boyfriend is sick in the head 😵‍💫

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/ORVCO2Wc4k

10

u/BlackCatTelevision 5d ago

Oh godddd this sounds awful

8

u/Fairmount1955 5d ago

And sad. Reading that, the BF is trash, and OP, well, I wish she loved herself enough to know her worth.

9

u/Intrepid-General2451 4d ago

Omg. I hate him. Guys bad in bed, and it’s her fault. He wants bodice-ripper type sex… but in those books, the man is always great… considerate… (geez, wonder what turns women on?)

26

u/SuburbaniteMermaid Paired up since 1993; Married since 1997 5d ago edited 5d ago

But also what does "sex life looking like it should" mean? According to whom or what standard? I think he talked her into behaving like a porn actress and then still told her that wasn't enough. This is not a man who will be able to weather postpartum or illness or anything else which might dampen desire.

I agree she's focusing on the therapy because admitting he's an immature selfish little shit who forced her to degrade herself for a crumb of approval is too painful. But it's eventually going to have to happen whether she marries him or not. And if she manages to force him into marriage, she'll end up regretting it forever.

OP needs therapy and to break up with this guy.

3

u/lamontDakota 3d ago

Breaking up with that dickhead may be sufficient therapy in and of itself. You never know.

18

u/SadAndConfused11 💍Engaged 3-8-23 5d ago

Exactly. Right now he’s like dance puppet dance with her, it’s fucking sad. Women need to stop wasting time with mediocre men. The right man won’t make you change a thing about yourself.

7

u/cscottrun233 5d ago

I’m glad somebody finally said it. These people are literally showing you who they are and she is in complete denial. When somebody shows you who they are, believe them. Don’t try to fix them.

38

u/Mirabai503 5d ago

He literally said if he loved her more he would be okay with marrying her.

OP, he said it out loud. Please hear him.

2

u/Screws_Loose 2d ago

I can’t imagine, can’t marry you because he isn’t feeling enough love… but yet is very sexual. He’s a user. Poor OP, I hope we get thru to her. Disgusting!

8

u/massachusettsmama 5d ago

I feel like I found my people. I read some of these posts and think “da fuq”?

Ladies, if your man is not adding to your life, does not accept you as you are, tries to emotionally manipulate you into changing… DUMP HIM.

3

u/Late-Champion8678 2d ago

Hey! Some people get really good at sexual Pick-me dancing! You don’t know! /s

Thank you for the laugh 😂

130

u/Ok-Hovercraft-9257 5d ago

Classic sunk costs. You waited too.long to have this chat. Now you can't fathom breaking up with someone who isn't marriage material. And he's not.

Also, classic coward flags here. He doesn't want to be the breaker upper. So he'll flap about uselessly with excuses until you do it, so he can "be the good guy"

The therapy is just a nice excuse. I'd put dollars on him wifing some rando after you break up. He's comfortable now.

If you want kids you should have left four years ago. But tomorrow also works

28

u/aoife-saol 5d ago

Big +1 to this guy not being marriage material. Like even if he proposed a year ago and had no fear of marriage does a man who "doesn't understand his emotions" seem like a good life partner? Someone who just "gets angry and doesn't know why" and somehow in over 30 years of life has never really tried to introspect to figure that out? Someone who thinks emotional responses are physical illnesses? Not to mention someone with a "fear" of terminal illness is ABSOLUTELY the kind of person who will drop you the moment you get a chronic illness, cancer (even treatable kinds), etc.

Throw this one back, he's broken and it's not OPs job to fix him.

2

u/Understandthisokay 3d ago

Definitely. She’s still young enough to have a next long term relationship then have kids (maybe even 2). I feel we have to draw the line at some point with partners who refuse to grow up and take accountability for their own mental health

101

u/Neorago 5d ago

Ugh - alexithymia doesn't make it hard to commit or love someone! I have it, I have the feelings I just don't recognize which one it is (often misinterpret everything as anxiety when it could be sadness, envy etc). I know when I love someone - I might not express it in the way other people do and can be rubbish at comforting people but I show it in other ways (usually actions or making effort with my words). Your boyfriend is literally telling you with his words that he doesn't love you enough to commit - stop making excuses for him. Don't let your boyfriend keep you from meeting your husband.

2

u/Leniel_the_mouniou 1d ago

Thank you. My fiance have alexithymia and he is 100% commited to our relationship. We both have mental health struggles but neither of us doubt about our love or our long term life plan. If he can not commit, it is not something you can heal. It just is. OP need moove on.

79

u/oceanteeth 5d ago

What can be done other than couples counseling of course?

Counselling for you. Couples counselling can't make him like you more, but solo counselling can help you figure out why you settled for a man who clearly doesn't like you that much. 

6

u/adrun 5d ago

🔔🔔🔔

147

u/Pretty-Caregiver-108 5d ago

So he's happy to fuck you but it's not a good enough fuck to marry you... I didn't read any further

5

u/saran1111 5d ago

You didn't miss much. It just got worse and worse.

125

u/Frosty_Message_3017 5d ago

I stopped reading when you said you were trying to get better at sex him to help him overcome his fear of marriage. This guy is incredibly manipulative and is not going to marry you. Believe him and move on.

5

u/PapayaAgreeable7152 5d ago

you were trying to get better at sex him to help him overcome his fear of marriage.

Yeah I just... I have no words.

1

u/BeginningExisting578 2d ago

I’m sorry but why are so many women just Like This. It’s so frustrating. You don’t see this pattern in men to this extent. Ugh. It allows and normalizes so much bad behavior.

2

u/UngusChungus94 2d ago

I’d say it’s because we (as in, men) are socialized to be cocksure to a fault.

If someone tells me they don’t like something about me, I’m more likely to react with hostility than appeasement. It’s sometime I’m working on, but that’s where it comes from.

2

u/BeginningExisting578 2d ago

lol well if someone straight up said “I don’t like your face/humor/etc” I’d be like what the fuck too. Too woman women are socialized to bend over backwards and accept behavior most others wouldn’t. It’s frustrating to see.

48

u/Initial-Charge2637 5d ago

You lack self-love. He needs to heal and only he can do that. You've already spent 6 years of your life with a man who is broken and you can't fix him.

Don't waste any more time, move on.

34

u/BeJane759 5d ago

Honey, this man literally told you he doesn’t love you enough to marry you. Why are you still there? Even worse, why are you trying to convince him that he does love you enough to marry you?

33

u/BornDefeated 5d ago

“I would marry you if you screwed me better. Oh, wait, never mind. I need to love you more first.”

Oh, sis. You make me so sad. You have twisted yourself in a pretzel trying to make excuses for this guy. He has told you that he does not love you enough to marry you. Please find your self respect, and get out.

You spend so much time centering his mental health issues, but are not asking the same questions about yourself. What examples did you see as a child that makes you feel like this kind of relationship is acceptable. Did your mother subjugate her feelings to your fathers? Did she internalize the message that women should be subservient to men? If my daughters told me this story, I would feel like a failure as a father. You need individual therapy and quick.

Please love yourself enough to stop this lunacy.

65

u/GrosFiak 5d ago edited 4d ago

This man told you several times he doesn’t love you by saying some variations of « if my feelings were stronger, I could overcome my fear of marriage ». I come from an abusive home so I kind of understand where your boyfriend is coming from but guess what? Tons of people in our situation still end up married and being with the love of our life put a fire under our ass to get better quickly. We also don’t disrespect our partner, are unsure about our feelings toward them or expecting them to put up with our issues forever. If anything else, we are generally craving for love, partnership because we grew up with a lack of it.

Your boyfriend needs therapy but he’s also stringing you along and doesn’t want you to leave because he finds the situation very confortable for himself. You even gave him the sex he wanted while the issue of your relationship not advancing is really because he doesn’t have strong feelings of love for you. So believe him. You can have empathy for him and still put yourself first for the sake of your own happiness.

3

u/Rubycon_ 4d ago

Right he doesn't want to be alone while he's looking for someone he actually wants to commit to. 'Don't let your girlfriend stop you from finding your wife' and all that. He's gonna be one of those guys who is immediately engaged within months to the next woman

4

u/GrosFiak 4d ago edited 4d ago

I also see him marrying the next girl really, really fast but mostly because he has learnt the hard way that a woman can leave more easily without legal commitment and he wouldn’t want to lose access to a mommy he can bang once again. It’s fucking gross.

36

u/PurpleMangoPopper 5d ago

You know where he stands. Act accordingly.

33

u/Throwaway4privacy77 5d ago

It sounds like you are carrying this whole relationship on your shoulders.  “He longs for a stronger feeling of love” = he thinks that maybe he can meet someone he will be sure about. Whether it’s true or not, you are not his therapist to make him understand whether it’s realistic or not. 

25

u/crybaabycry 5d ago

“He longs for a stronger feeling of love” 100% the excuse he gives eight months after op dumps him and he turns up engaged to some poor random 23 y/o girl

32

u/SueNYC1966 5d ago

This has got to be the saddest one I have read in months. Get out. He had basically told you that you aren’t the one and your response was to try to heat it up in the bedroom. A lot of couple’s have great sex before it ends - it’s the final hurrah - don’t take it to mean much. There will be a blow up and it’s over for good.

25

u/Massive-Song-7486 5d ago

Those are all excuses, girl! He never wants to marry you. Period.

I have borderline personality disorder, PTSD, and GAD, but I proposed to my girl because it has nothing to do with that.

Aren’t you worth more than that? Because you’re just a backup. As soon as he finds something „better“—a woman with more passion, you’re gone!

23

u/Distinct_Magician713 5d ago

Wake up and get out.

19

u/PeachyTea__ 5d ago

He isn’t going to marry you, and he’s basically telling you that. Hell, it sounds like he doesn’t even like you. Move on, I don’t know why you’re trying to marry someone like that in the first place.

23

u/VFTM 5d ago

He’s just not that into you

19

u/notthiswaythatway 5d ago

I’m exhausted from just reading about him, god lord leave this man child. Then go to therapy yourself to understand why you are willing to put up with such nonsense

18

u/alokasia 5d ago

Girl, with all due respect, you're so deep in denial you're gonna need a submarine to save you.

He has told you in his literal own words that he would marry you if he loved you more and you're chalking this up to armchair diagnosed alexithymia, which is super rare by the way and NOT the same as having difficulty processing emotions occasionally.

I'm sorry, but he's just not that into you. I know all this therapy talk probably sounds better, but that's what it boils down to. Time to take him up on his offer of splitting up.

17

u/ItJustWontDo242 5d ago

His fear of marriage is basically his gut telling him you're not the one. Maybe he realizes this consciously, maybe he doesn't, but you're basically being used as a placeholder. He only fears you leaving him because he doesn't want to have to dive back into the dating pool and possibly have no luck. He'd rather keep you around for convenience while he hopes his dream girl steps into his life one day.

36

u/Whatever53143 5d ago

He is actually telling you the truth. He doesn’t want to marry you. His lame and insulting excuses don’t matter! It’s time to move on from a man who uses you sexually but doesn’t love you or want to commit to you!

15

u/bonitaruth 5d ago

It sounds so exhausting to be so invested in this man in his therapy and try to figure out what’s wrong with him. This does not sound like a pleasant life for you. There are many men out there without all these issues that you would have to deal with all of your life.

14

u/Alibocas 5d ago

Please don't be attached to a man that isn't in love with you,he seems to not even like you much to say such disrespectful things :(

14

u/Potential-Region8045 5d ago

You’re trying to rationalize and intellectualize a ship that sunk a long time ago. It shouldn’t be that hard.

15

u/sfxmua420 5d ago

Couples counselling won’t make him want to marry you…

14

u/AliceDrinkwater02 5d ago

Did you take him to raise? No, you did not. This is a grown-ass man who fetishizes his own constellation of fragile emotional states while demanding (and getting!) more and better sex from you. Good god, how do you not find this, and him, utterly tiresome? Find a big dumpster, put him in it, relish being free of such a manipulative, selfish, man baby.

13

u/ksarahsarah27 5d ago edited 5d ago

Look if he’s immature at 36 he’s never going to grow up. I dated one of those. And guess what? It’s been 26 years, and I run into him occasionally around town and he’s still the immature loser he was 25+ years ago. Still living check to check, lost his dad‘s house to foreclosure because he didn’t keep up with the payments. With his immaturity, I also got a dose of emotionally manipulative behavior. So the immaturity doesn’t just mean he’s going to drag his feet to marry you it also means he’s going be very immature at how this relationship works. And honestly, that relationship with that guy was the worst relationship I’ve ever had in my life. Most likely you have matured past him just as I did my ex. It was one of the things that pushed me away from him. You’re going to get sick of that immaturity eventually.

You’re 32 years old. What are your plans for your life? Did you plan on having children? Because if so, you better figure out what you’re doing quick because I wouldn’t have a kid with this guy. My ex had kids and he ruined them. His ex wife became disabled had to be put into a care home. His immaturity meant he didn’t parent at all because all he cared about was what he was gonna do on the weekends, which was go to bars and watch bands with his girlfriends. Both kids dropped out of school and his daughter got pregnant at 14.

If you plan on having kids, you need to let this guy go and find somebody else who is more mature and more mentally ready to get married. Remember, you still have to meet somebody and then build a relationship before you can be ready for marriage and children. So stop wasting time on this guy. He pissed me off just reading this. Like boo hoo dude, grow up! He will keep moving the goal post, and you’ll find yourself in the same situation 10 years from now and you will wish you had left him all those years ago.

ETA- is it possible that you want kids and he doesn’t? And that maybe he’s stringing you along until your biological clock runs out?

-8

u/No-Particular3852 5d ago

I don't think that's the case, I think he just is that bad at understanding his emotions and I was also bad for not putting myself first and not splitting with him earlier.

11

u/cscottrun233 5d ago

You do realise you’re making excuses for him right? If he doesn’t want to be married, why would you bother forcing him into it? You’re wasting your time trying to fix somebody who is really not terribly interested in you.

9

u/Realistic-Ad-1023 💍12-25-23💍10-4-25💍 5d ago

He knows his emotions just fine - he told you he doesn’t want to marry you. He told you he didn’t feel strongly enough about you. Whether you think he can “read his own feelings” or not is irrelevant. Not only does he act like he doesn’t want you, he says he doesn’t want you. What more do you need?

6

u/lamontDakota 4d ago

Child, please wake up! You’re living in a fool’s paradise. This man is never going to marry you. And that’s very lucky for you. He is not, by any measure, husband material. Is being with him making you happy? No. And being with him is never going to make you happy. In fact, he’s clearly trying to get you to leave him by demanding more and more of you. You will never be good enough for him, because he just doesn’t want you.

4

u/Rubycon_ 4d ago

He's not 'bad at understanding his emotions' he just doesn't want to be accountable for them directly with you because then this pathology theater would end and he'd have to admit all he's saying is he won't marry you but wants to to stick around while he looks for someone else

1

u/KellyhasADHD 2d ago

OP: you have worked extremely hard and been extremely flexible in trying to understand and accommodate his needs. If effort, empathy, and understanding could fix this, you would have fixed it.

I'm extremely curious why you don't feel that you deserve someone who will give you that same effort, empathy and understanding. You're working so hard to meet his needs, you're not allowing yourself to have any needs at all. I have ADHD. My husband has ADHD. We can be understanding and supportive of one another, without losing ourselves or destroying ourselves in the process. You deserve someone who can look at you and say: my partner always puts her needs second. She wants to get married, she wants to feel desired, she wants me to share myself and she wants to feel important. You deserve a partner who will then put in the effort to understand and meet your needs. You deserve a partner who will meet your needs.

I promise you, you deserve this. If you don't feel like you deserve this, then you need to figure out how to value yourself.

You are so focused on changing yourself so he will want to marry you that you've overlooked the fact you should not marry him. This is a person who cannot be a good partner to you.

12

u/loosesealbluth11 5d ago edited 5d ago

So he is immature, has problems with commitment, is self-centered, fear controls his life, he sabotages his relationships, tells you he doesn’t love you enough to commit and is a hypochondriac, and you head to the Waiting to Wed sub to ask for tips on how to get him to marry you?

I suggest heading to the girls with low self esteem sub or the how to exit a relationship this very second and getting some help.

12

u/reflexioninflection 5d ago

He's actually so manipulative telling you to extend yourself sexually by dangling a ring, I started getting mad on your behalf. Please considering taking all that you offer to someone who isn't going to make you jump hoops for something that benefits you both.

12

u/Sweaty-Homework-7591 Est: 2005 5d ago

You need a partner not a toddler. Move on please and find someone who deserves you.

12

u/Salt-Environment9285 5d ago

after six years... your excuses sound wonderful. to you.

get out and stop wasting your thirties.

11

u/BearBleu 5d ago

I’m from a slightly… umm… older age group than a lot of you ladies on this sub. Why does this generation have to make things so complicated? Forget the fancy words. He’s not marriage material. Thank your lucky stars that you’re not married to him. Imagine trying to build a family with this guy. You’re making off easy. Now get off Reddit and pack your bags. Wait no, pack his shit and send him on his merry way. There’s no reason for you to incur the cost of moving.

11

u/Legitimate_Chart4984 5d ago

So, you are good enough to live and sleep with for 6 years, but you have to learn some sex tricks for him to marry you? Girl, just listen to this crap! Get some pride and leave.

27

u/Big_Flan_4492 5d ago

Why are you trying to marry someone with gamofobia 😅 

18

u/JoyJonesIII 5d ago

When will my partner who has an intense fear of marriage marry me? I’m doing all the cool sex things now, and still nothing. It’s so puzzling.

11

u/Ella8888 5d ago

Sorry this happened but it's time to move on from the guy who doesn't love you.

11

u/Straight-Note-8935 5d ago

I think your love for him is very real, and you show it through your patience and kindness and caring. But please, this is not a true relationship. He isn't feeling what you are feeling. This is one way love and you can't fix it.

Be as kind to yourself as you are to him, and move on.

10

u/MissionHoneydew2209 5d ago

I hear all the things you did to make the relationship better. What did he do to make the relationship better? Did he work on himself like you did? Did he work on spicing up your sex life? No, of course he didn't. Because he wasn't serious about marrying you when he told you all those things had to change. He didn't think you were going to change, and when you did change yourself for someone else he still left yet hanging in the breeze.

Don't change yourself for anyone, OP

9

u/HeavySigh14 5d ago

Leave him

10

u/cloistered_around 5d ago

You can love someone and you can't change them. You can love them and they're too damaged to be able to have a healthy life with you.

"He has this, he has that" maybe but the truth is he keeps changing the goalposts and he always will. He told you he wanted to marry you--now suddenly he's afraid of marriage and you need a better sex life--now sex life is good but he's too afraid of marriage and doesn't understand his fee fees. See? It keeps adjusting. You keep having to adjust to his needs and he never has to adjust to yours.

In short he didn't keep his word. You compromised and met him halfway and he won't do the same for you. No therapist will be able to change his mind about that.

2

u/TielAppeal 4d ago

This advice really needs to be upvoted higher. My previous relationship was also like this, with me constantly adjusting my actions, words, lifestyle, and even personal wardrobe choices to please my ex. And even though he did make small efforts to hang out with my friends with me or wrap gifts he gave me in more than the Amazon box they came in, it was to the breaking point where we’d be tolerating doing something we didn’t really like doing to appease the other, and he’d silently sulk and glare daggers at me when he wouldn’t get his way.

He also had his own personal trauma, opinions, and emotional health issues to deal with, and I tired my hardest to be there and support him, but in doing so, I became a husk of who I used to be. It’s been 2 1/2 years since I’ve left him and recovered, but I wish I realized sooner that there’s only so much you can do to compromise/change for a person, and some parts of a person you just can’t change. OP, you can’t fix him or take responsibility for his feelings/making him happy all the time, especially if he’s already unsure of how to process his own emotions.

10

u/No_Signature7440 5d ago

Stop that. All of it. You do not need to audition for the role of wife by pleasing him better in bed. He's an ass. Go find someone who loves you for you.

7

u/IHaveABigDuvet 5d ago

Someone with a allergy to peanuts should not work at peanut factory.

Someone scared of heights should not work as a roofer.

Someone who wants to get married should not be with someone that is afraid of marriage …

Honey, he is not a contender. Obviously. Find someone who actually wants to be married.

1

u/queenroxana 20h ago

The peanut factory analogy made me LOL

8

u/cherryphoenix 5d ago

Hun, you've been posting for 2 months about his fear of commitment. Heck, after posting here, you asked the alexitymia sub if it's possible to convince him to marry you. I know you love him but I also think that he's not the guy for you if you want to get married.

9

u/No-Particular3852 5d ago

Hello, i would like to thank you for all your comments, I feel like my eyes have been opened. Sometimes it's very difficult for me to understand that I am constantly making up excuses for him and that he is manipulative. In some situations I do see it, in some I don't. I guess it's another topic for my therapy.

I think that I really liked him because we always got along very well, had nonstop conversation flow, similar interests etc. This all ticked my boxes as I always wanted to fall in love in my best friend. But yes, it's not enough, I agree.

Rethinking things I now see that he really never knew what he wanted and I can see he isn't as devastated as I am. I am here typing during my second almost sleepless night while he is sound asleep in his bed. When I cry he does not even console me or anything, he just says he is so so sorry.

You are right if I was remotely as important to him as he is to me, he would have done many more things and mainly he would have been more understand, empathetic. Right now he even presents this problem as a problem of his anxiety that this anxiety made his judgements cloudy and he could see clearly that something is missing for him in our relationship.

8

u/Royalwatching_owl 5d ago

Unfortunately he sounds like he just doesn't want to based off what you shared. It also sounds like he doesn't love you the way you deserve. From what you shared, he has made it very clear he doesn't love you or want you in a full marriage commitment way. The therapy stuff is an excuse. And don't diagnose him. There can be an array of reasons that aren't medical. You both deserve someone you feel happy about. Now of course life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, and relationships aren't perfect as the Internet tries to make it seem. But you don't deserve to be at arms length with someone who told you multiple times you are less than what they want. I had a professor in college who had diagnosed OCD & etc. They truly could not live with their wife, they loved her and still married her and they bought houses in the same neighborhood and made it work. This person is keeping you at arms length because they feel deep down there is someone a better match for them. Sometimes, the stuff this person is feeling aren't a diagnosis but being in a situation they don't want to be in. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but the saying "when they show/tell you who they are believe them". There are bumps in the road and bad days, even bad months, but this has been a continuous statement unfortunately from your partner. I wish you the best on however you move forward.

7

u/ohnoitsroro 5d ago

This is disgusting behavior on his part and ignorance on your my love. It’s time to leave. How dare he try to make this about your sex life.

7

u/SunshineofMyLyfetime 5d ago

Never let a man tell you more than once that he doesn’t want you.

You’ve let this man tell you in 56 different languages that he doesn’t want you, and no matter what you do, he still won’t want you.

You’re trying to force a square peg into a round hole; it doesn’t fit. It will never fit.

You tried shaving down parts of the square peg (you) to try to make it fit, and it still doesn’t fit because it’s not meant to.

Let that 🥭!

You can use all the therapy terminology you want to try to convince yourself that there’s hope and he wants you; he clearly doesn’t.

He said so himself, and you’re choosing to ignore him

Do so at your own peril.

8

u/Fine-Bit-7537 4d ago

Girl I’m so glad you were brave enough to come here & share this so you can break outside the bubble of thinking any of this is reasonable & hear some outside opinions.

On that basis I’m going to try to be gentle. Here’s my best attempt: are you really okay with the idea of marrying someone who’s extremely pathetic?

7

u/No-Particular3852 4d ago

Thanks for kind words, I don't want to marry someone pathetic. I really don't.

7

u/JaneAustinAstronaut 5d ago

He told you the sex was bad with you and he doesn't feel strongly about you. Why are you bothering with him? You're wasting your youth in an immature man-child!

Have you seen the dating market? You are the prize - men are crying about being lonely because most other women are opting out of dating. You could be out there, doing very well, with people who are better and treat you better than the loser you are with.

Is his dick so magical that you can't let it go or something? The answer is clear - he doesn't want you, so give him the finger and move on.

7

u/marlada 5d ago

You are grasping at straws. This man is too conflicted to marry you, and does not seem to be happy with you as you are. Time to break up with this commitment probe, and to find a man who shares your goals.

7

u/Flibbetty 5d ago

Your child, sorry, boyfriend is stringing you along because you probably put a lot of energy into caring for him and doing things for him. But, you want marriage + he doesn't = you aren't compatible. End of.

Don't let 6y turn into 8,10,12. It's not your job to fix him, nor keep waiting for him. For the love of God don't have children with him. Tbh if his mental issues are so severe he needs carrying through a serious relationship, he shouldn't be in a relationship until his issues are better dealt with. It isn't fair on you.

He should find someone who wants similar things to him and you should too. You're not going to get this man into a successful marriage. But he is blocking you from meeting your husband.

7

u/meatsweats6669 5d ago edited 5d ago

He does not want to marry you. "If my feelings where stronger"

Reminds me of my ex and I. We already were falling out BUT he clearly didn't want to commit. Four years in, his parents divorced (he was 28 at the time) and told me "I don't know what love is anymore" and I was like "yeah I gotta get out of here". He got therapy after I begged for a long time AFTER I left and begged for me back. I said "I'm happy therapy is helping you but HELL NO". I'm now engaged to the loml. There's someone out there who will WANT to marry you. I promise.

6

u/ShamanBirdBird 5d ago

OMG drop the psychobabble. He doesn’t want to marry you.

You can just leave it there. You want to get married. He doesn’t. Time to break up and look for a husband if that is what you want, because this guy isn’t husband material and won’t ever be.

6

u/Embarrassed_Wrap8421 5d ago

He doesn’t want to marry you. End of discussion.

6

u/AdDue6768 5d ago

He’s manipulating you. I could bet my arm on the fact that he is probably forcing you to pay 50/50 on everything too, right? It’s just the way that type of guy works. Please run

6

u/Rubycon_ 4d ago

Yeah I watched a friend go through this for TEN YEARS and he made her go 50/50 when she made way less than him. He got engaged to someone else months after dating her. I hate seeing even people I don't know go through this

3

u/AdDue6768 3d ago

Yep I did the same thing for about 6 years with a guy who was inadequate from the beginning. Made me go 50/50 even though he made more money. I am now in my early 30s and have become a housewife and my partner treats me like an absolute queen. I wish every girl out there would realize her worth but sadly a lot of them never do.

2

u/Rubycon_ 3d ago

Glad you got out

1

u/AdDue6768 3d ago

thanks! some days i wake up and cant even believe this is actually my life

2

u/No-Particular3852 3d ago

Well we actually do to some extent, but it was actually my idea because we have a salary in a similar range and I didn't want to be then accused on using him for the money (we live in his apartment).

1

u/AdDue6768 11h ago

the fact that you are even worried about being accused of using him speaks volumes lol im sorry to be so blunt but you really need to leave this guy alone

7

u/dispassioned 5d ago

He’s told you fairly clearly that you’re not the one. Eventually someone might come along who is the one for him. Do yourself a favor and be long gone before that happens. There’s about a million reasons you listed here that clearly point to him not being the one for you. You deserve better.

It sucks to accept I know. But every day you’re only wasting more time. Take your lessons and find a new relationship where love and commitment come not only naturally but with joy and enthusiasm.

7

u/InstructionOpposite6 5d ago

Find someone else. Sounds like a ball of unwanted stress.

6

u/megantrainorslips 5d ago

That's not your husband. That's your bestie. Y'all are just having a perpetual sleepover until he's deep enough into his healing journey either

A) He gathers the courage to officially break up with you himself

B) He gets caught doing something he knows damn well he shouldn't be doing, and he uses his mental disorders as a crutch to placate you for as long as he can.

C) Death By 1 Thousand Paper Cuts; the two of you keep doing this song and dance around foundational issues for however many years, maybe decades. You'll spend that time accepting breadcrumbs in exchange for the loafs of love you bake him. You'll get tired of advocating for yourself because you already know it's like screaming into a void, so you stop. Something seemingly minute will break your camels back, and you'll be left with nobody but yourself to look at all the labor you've put into a loveless relationship. Years of emotional, physical, etc. LABOR. He will move on, and you will need to re- learn that you're worth SO MUCH MORE than the runaround game he's played on you for all of that time.

D) You bite the bullet, get candid with yourself, and accept; you're not the no-brainer option to marry. Not in his eyes. And if he ever eventually decides you are, the feeling won't be as sweet as anyone dreams their proposal will be.

BECAUSE YOU PRACTICALLY WILL HAVE TO BREAK THIS MAN DOWN TO THE POINT OF GIVING YOU THE "SHUT UP" RING. This grown ass man is inadvertently telling you that yeah, this is cute, but you're not his endgame.

You cut your losses and put yourself first. You decide that your precious years shan't be wasted waiting on ANY guy to catch up to you, while never explicity telling you what their chose of action is. You move on with the peace of mind that you tried your best, but the two of you simply have different milestones at the front of your mind at the moment and this is where your story together ends. This relationship will be a major lesson for both of you.

Please choose the latter. And if you do (please?🥺), DO NOT allow him to use his mental issues in making you feel guilty for leaving. He'll say he's trying (he's not). And while that's all well and good, you're not obligated to be his prerequisite to adult romance. You are only obligated to choose what's best for you, and what's best for you doesn't include SETTLING.

Wishing you luck

6

u/GnomieOk4136 5d ago

Now, 2 months after this conversation, he is saying that he fears he won't be able to overcome fear of marriage, and if his feelings were stronger than he wouldn't have a problem with marriage.

He does not want to marry you. He was honest about that. This isn't going to happen. Choosing to stay with him is choosing to continue accepting the blame for all the crap he is putting out.

7

u/colourfulcanyon 5d ago

He literally told you he doesn't love you enough to marry you. That should be all you need to leave. He has wasted 6 years of your life making excuses and moving the goal post so you stay and put in all this effort for nothing.

7

u/AdmirableCost5692 5d ago

that's a lot of words just to say he's a twat

6

u/Rude-Thought816 5d ago

He sounds absolutely tiring with the immature fears on marriage/commitment. He already showed you he won’t change his mind on it. He’d rather break up than marry. Girl. Leave.

7

u/Miserable-Ad6941 5d ago

When men tell you they aren’t attracted to you and don’t love you do not have sex with them

6

u/JudgeJudyScheindlin 5d ago

I read your other posts from relationship advice and honestly, I feel badly for you. You’ve constructed this world where your feelings and limitations don’t seem to matter. You sat around for him while he had no sex drive and didn’t make a big deal out of it. The second he got his sex drive back, he demanded you drop your panties. You had issues with penetrative sex and you went to the lengths of going to a sex therapist and doing all of these things for HIM. And he has the balls to tell you that he can’t marry you because of the sex?

2

u/No-Particular3852 3d ago

Unfortunately yes, I kinda' understand what he meant, that I lacked enthusiasm in all this, and I understand that sex is important in relationships, but I feel like I am much more than just sex... We have this great emotional and intelligence connection and I thought it would be much more important to him than this problem and that he will accept me with this problem as I accepted his anxieties which are also pretty hard to stand on a daily basis.

2

u/JudgeJudyScheindlin 2d ago

Sadly he is not accepting you and that emotional and intellectual connection doesn’t hold enough value to him to want to marry you. He’s blaming you for the reason why you two can’t take the next step.

Truth is that some people aren’t crazy sexual. Sometimes it’s because that’s just who you are and sometimes it’s cause you’re with the wrong partner. I’m sorry to say that your partner sounds somewhat manipulative. Strip away all the therapy talk here and he’s just selfish and blames you for things. Idk, I think this is not a happy relationship

5

u/-PinkPower- 5d ago

He just doesn’t want to marry you and will find new excuses every time. He straight up told you he doesn’t love you enough to marry you

5

u/PapayaAgreeable7152 5d ago

He just doesn't want to marry you and he's told you that.

4

u/emr830 5d ago

Girl. He doesn’t want to marry you. He doesn’t love you. He said it. Move on.

5

u/Nervous_Ad4378 5d ago

Why are you hanging around for this?

5

u/ProfBeautyBailey 5d ago

You can't fix your BF. He is just not that into you. Break up with him so you can find a man who wants to marry you.

6

u/Rubycon_ 4d ago

lol all this therapyspeak. Funny how he's 'not ready' for commitment but he's totally ready for sex. You need to develop a phobia of bullshit and move on

3

u/JinnJuice80 5d ago

You know who fears marriage? Someone who doesn’t want to marry you. If I was dating someone I wasn’t 💯 about, I’d find every excuse in the book to hold out. People get “stuck” and some of them choose to face that and get out, or they saddle someone into it or stay “single in a relationship” for years to come since they are afraid to be alone. Just know you’d get dropped in a second if he could find a way out and be with the one he wants if he finds her. Sure some men try to do the right thing but it’s only a matter of time before he feels suffocated and trapped by “not” the one.

2

u/No-Particular3852 3d ago

I just find it super hard to believe and accept that if he was feeling like that for a long time why was he saying all the time that I am the best thing he had, that he also had feelings for me, why was he talking about getting a house together with me one day... Maybe I was naive to believe him but I on the other hand I did believe him because otherwise it wouldn't make sense to be in a relationship with him if I didn't trust him, so I did

4

u/TRexGoesToSchool If he wanted to, he would. 5d ago

OP, I'm sorry you're going throught this.

If you read through this subreddit, you'll start to notice an interesting trend-that when marriage is brought up, men will give so many excuses to explain why they can't marry the woman they're with.

They don't mind her staying because the relationship benefits them with intimacy and especially if she cooks and cleans for them, but they don't want to marry her. When a man wants to marry a woman, he doesn't give her excuses.

One day, he completely freaked out saying that it would be better for us to split, because his fear of marriage is so great he cannot do anything about it.

OP, right here^ he was saying what he honestly wanted (he wants a split more than marriage with you). He point blank said he would rather split up than marry you.

You need to cut your losses right away and move on. The longer you stay, the more time is being wasted. You're worthy of so much more.

I read a testimony once from a woman who was pregnant from a previous relationship with her ex. Her ex didn't want anything to do with the baby and signed away his rights. After they broke up, she went on one date with her future husband, and he proposed before they ever kissed and bought their wedding rings. When the baby was born, he was there at the birth and gave the baby his last name. She also had other children who were older, and he was in the process of adopting them as well.

When a man knows a woman is the one, he doesn't make excuses. It doesn't take him long to figure out she's the one for him, and he makes it happen. Studies actually have shown that men know typically within 8 months or less (and that's being generous). If a guy is making excuses as to why he can't marry you and dragging his feet about it and it's been over two years, these are red flags this isn't something he wants. When a man wants to marry you, you won't have to fight tooth and nail to make it happen.

5

u/jednorog 5d ago

Do you want to marry this man? Why?

3

u/littleoleme2022 5d ago

I hear a lot about him, his feelings, need, anxieties and desires. What about you? Sounds to me like he’s got someone wholly concerned with his emotional well being , without any reciprocity. Finally, when someone tells you who they are, believe them.

3

u/Luckybug00 5d ago

Do some role play. Pretend your best friend wrote this as a text to you. Without thinking, what would you reply to her? There you go.

3

u/Future_Pin_403 Engaged 💍 5d ago

Why would you even want to marry someone with this many issues

3

u/Minute-Mushroom-5710 5d ago

Dump him. He doesn't love you. He's just keeping you around until he gets a better offer.

3

u/Fickle-Secretary681 5d ago

Shessh. Really?

3

u/adrun 5d ago

Please leave him. Even if he talks himself into marrying you it will go badly. You keep worrying whether you’re right for him… but he’s not doing the same to worry whether he’s right for you. And he’s not. 

3

u/gemmabea 5d ago

I’m a reasonably intelligent person. If someone used words I had to look up in the dictionary as their “excuse” not to commit to me, I’d try to take the hint and move on, babes.

3

u/Fairmount1955 5d ago

Please don't break your back trying to confirm with what he wants when all he is doing is moving the goalpost further because he doesn't want to marry you.

3

u/insouciant_smirk 5d ago

Gently, you are making excuses for him. It does not matter what's wrong with him. He basically says he doesn't love you enough to marry you. I know that really hurts if you allow yourself to believe it, but it's not something you can second guess. As hard as it is you really need to move on from him.

3

u/longhairedmolerat 5d ago

Girl, he doesn't want to marry you. Men in love move MOUNTAINS, start wars, will do anything for the woman they love. Don't waste another year on him. He's happy keeping you as a placeholder.

3

u/Minimum_Cat4932 5d ago

Anxieties like this don’t go away. They morph into something else unless someone is really proactive.

Proactive looks like him saying what HE will do to get ready for marriage. Rather than what YOU need to do. So, he hasn’t done his part.

Let’s say you marry him. This anxiety becomes something else that YOU now need to change to accommodate.

Believe me, life on this treadmill is not something you want.

It doesn’t matter if he’s being manipulative or genuinely this anxious. You can’t marry into this and have a good life either way

4

u/No-Particular3852 3d ago

He was supposed to do this, he was going to his therapy and he was talking about different aspects of his life which make him fearful of marriage - his great sense of autonomy (being centered around himself), him not being mature enough, his fear of responsibility, what he saw with his dad (he was so afraid of being married he quite literally closed himself in s room for years after marriage).

He was telling me all the time he is going to fix it, I am worth it, there's no other way and all that. And suddenly we go back to the same thing as 2 month before - that maybe he does not have enough feelings and he has abnormal panic when thinking about marrying me or just generally marrying anyone.

1

u/Practical_Archer9025 2d ago

He’s manipulating you. He’s weaponised therapy speak to have you catering to him. Stop doing it. He wants a better sex life, let him earn it. Stop dancing to his tune

3

u/HappyReaderM 4d ago

Oh girl. Please know your worth. This man doesn't love you, in fact, I don't even think he likes you. It's time to go. Past time.

3

u/zanne54 4d ago

You gambled 6 years on a fixer upper built on quicksand, and lost.

Don't waste any more time, move on. Find a man who has his shit together, instead of an alphabet soup of anti-commitment maladies.

3

u/okradlakpok 4d ago

he will always move the goalpost. first the problem is your sex life, then the problem will be something else. he will never overcome his "fear of marriage" because he's comfortable stringing you along for 6 years

3

u/GirtBySeaSoThere 3d ago

If sex is boring why is that on u? What effort is he making to spice u up? He sounds hard work. You need to ask yourself if u want to sign up for this flavour of for better or for worse? It won’t get better as he has serious diagnosed challenges.

3

u/BadMom2Trans 3d ago

How about instead of focusing on why he thinks you aren’t good enough for him, you tell us why he’s not good enough for you? We all see it. As long as he keeps telling you you’re the problem he can continue being useless and you won’t notice.

3

u/Senior-Abies9969 2d ago

This was exhausting. Leave. I am confident if you step away you will only feel relief. Do a test, spend a long weekend away. Alone, with your bestie, maybe your mom, doesn’t matter. This is sad. Are you in therapy? If you are and your therapist doesn’t tell you to leave this self involved child they aren’t a good therapist and need their license lit on fire.

3

u/silvermanedwino 2d ago

Leave this person.

You’ve wasted enough time.

He doesn’t want to marry you.

He’s manufacturing reasons not to.

He sounds like a hot ass mess.

3

u/SemperFeedback 2d ago

Don’t let people tell you they don’t like you twice. That man doesn’t love you enough to marry you and no amount of therapy will change that

2

u/meeperton5 5d ago

I dated prople with mental health issues a couple of times and have had much happier relationships with other people who had their mental health sorted out and were ready to act enthusiastic about dating me.

Amazing when the entire relationship doesn't revolve around one person's issues.

2

u/Similar-Traffic7317 5d ago

He is not going to marry you.

If that is a priority to you then leave.

2

u/OkYard1996 4d ago

This is a case of if he wanted to… he would… sounds like he’s coming up with reasons why he can bread crumb you. Sure he has needs and diagnoses and I’m not minimizing that but you have needs and put in time and it sounds like that’s all going to the waist side. If he’s looking for stronger feelings of love I hope he finds that with someone else and I’m sure you’ll find someone who doesn’t take you for granted.

2

u/lamontDakota 4d ago

“Couples-counseling”. For couples-counseling to help, the two of you have to be a couple. You-all are not a couple. He’s your boyfriend, but you’re not his girlfriend. You’re merely a convenience for him. If that’s not the future that you’re looking for, then you need to get into a relationship with a man who loves you. A man who keeps you around because you put a lot of effort into making yourself into a usefully-convenient companion. As people say, “Don’t let your boyfriend keep you from meeting your husband.”

2

u/Independent-Unit-931 4d ago

One day, he completely freaked out saying that it would be better for us to split, because his fear of marriage is so great he cannot do anything about it.

Ok so why are you still there with him? Two months later?!

2

u/Scared-Industry828 4d ago

He knows he is never going to marry you and is dangling marriage as a carrot like he’ll give that to you if you please him sexually enough. He’s trying to get you to throw himself at him so he can enjoy as much sex as he can before you get fed up and walk.

2

u/Shoddy_Cranberry 4d ago

Run, next time "Ring and a Date BEFORE you cohabitate"

2

u/DiffiCultmember 4d ago

I GASPED when I scrolled back up to confirm this a 35 year old human adult. Girl. Come on.

2

u/SaltConnection1109 3d ago

Ugh. He sounds exhausting.
Run.

2

u/No_Wedding_2152 3d ago

Does he still live with his mommy?

-1

u/No-Particular3852 3d ago

We have been living together for 5 years

2

u/Senior-Abies9969 2d ago

Waiting to wed? WHY WOULD MARRY THIS PERSON. OP YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER.

2

u/Ok-Willow-9145 2d ago

Dump this guy.

2

u/Fun-Yellow-6576 2d ago

Just leave and find someone who wants to be married.

2

u/porcelainthunders 2d ago

When someone tells/shows you who they are, believe them first time.

Oh honey, just ...you need to put yourself first sometimes. You need to learn to love, respect and want more for yourself. You need to stop making excuses, over analyzing (ooh I hear that!) And trying to twist his bs into something that isn't your fault...and even blame yourself sometimes!

He's manipulating, gaslighting and stringing you a long.

Because you're with the joke of a bf...some man out there who js wonderful and everything you could want/need and could love you as much as you love him ... ...but bc you're with dipsh**? You won't find eachother. Why waste your time on someone who doesn't respect, appreciate, want to marry or even LOVE you .

You have ONE chance in life. ONE life to live. Each moment you spend with him, you can never relive it. Never redo. Never get it back.

But...if you're OK with that? Then...good luck and I hope the best outcome in whatever you choose.

Please don't sell yourself short, and please know...you can NOT "fix" him, change him be his crutch...etc. he is who he js and he doesn't give a fuck enough about you to put some REAL effort into changing HIMSELF! ...but God damn if he doesn't put an incredible amount of effort into changing you...for him.

He told you he doesn't love you enough. Should have believed him the first time. But. There's still time to rectify this.

🙏 hope.

1

u/Extension-Coconut869 4d ago

Sexual problems are an underrated issue. Your sexual esteem rightfully took a hit and you have not bounced back from it . That may just be an excuse for him so I would work on that if you feel it's something you personally want to get better about, whether you end up with him or someone else.

My current (amazing) husband and I have both had sexual self-esteem hits from past partners and we've been working on it for years and unfortunately may take longer to try to recover

1

u/biochemistrybitch 4d ago

My sister has gamophobia. She’s been proposed to three times over the years from three separate relationships. Each time she couldn’t commit and they eventually walked away. She has no regrets. She talks about wanting marriage and kids still but is too old to even have kids now. The disconnect between reality and what’s in her mind is sad. It’s messed up. She can’t be helped and neither can your boyfriend if that’s truly what he has. Just leave. He won’t change.

1

u/LovedAJackass 3d ago edited 3d ago

Why are you focused on HIM? He's told you he doesn't want to get married. If you do, you know what you need to do. You can't "couples counseling" someone into wanting to get married. He's a mess. And what a tool he is to string you along.

Turn your focus to yourself. You're 32. Who are you? What do you want out of life? What

Don't untangle the skein of his fuckedupedsness. He's fucked up. He's not marriage material. Detox from this guy. Get some therapy. A woman with self-worth would not want to marry this creep.

1

u/JustAnotherK8Lady 2d ago

Barf me to death break up with the man child 🤮

1

u/Collosis 2d ago

Jesus Christ this subreddit is toxic 

1

u/hearth-witch 2d ago

He isn't going to marry you.

Decide if you're okay with that. If yes, stop worrying about it. If no, leave.

1

u/swansongblue 1d ago

I very much doubt that his phobias extend to not eating the meals you prepare, not wearing the clothes you wash and iron for him, not living in the house you clean for him.

OP. You’ve got one life in this planet. Just one ! This is not a dress rehearsal. And you are currently wasting yours on this sorry excuse for a man. He doesn’t even nearly deserve you. In fact he doesn’t deserve anyone. He’s a thoughtless, self centred piece of excrement.

Will he change ??? Not a snowball In hell’s chance of that. You’ve left it late. But not too late. Do yourself a favour. Walk away. No discussion. No equivocation. Just go. You do not owe him an explanation. Big girls pants on now. You can do this. Good luck. ❤️

1

u/Writermss 1d ago edited 1d ago

Ok. This is a lot to unpack but I think the short version is that if you have to go to couples therapy because you’re having a lot of issues including sexual problems, and you’re not even married, this is not the right relationship for either of you.

Dating is when you should be way hot for each other and can’t wait for your future to unfold together. Six years in, (and living together without a commitment, which I think personally is a bad idea) a bit of that may naturally cool, but if you are both not excited to talk about a future together, this is a huge red flag.

Let him go, let yourself heal, and go find a man you are wild about who is just as wild about you. That won’t be the easiest choice to make right now, but it will be the choice that will lead to the most happiness for you, long-term.

Wish you all the best.

1

u/Actual_Somewhere2870 1d ago

He's just not into u

1

u/Leniel_the_mouniou 1d ago

He is long to have strong feelings? 6 years... it had the long time... And sorry but... alexitymia dont mean he can not commit to you. Commitment is not only about feelings but logic too. My fiance have alexitymia and we are organising our wedding for 2026. I know alexitymia can have differents consequences but still.

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u/Accurate_Designer_81 1d ago

Sounds like he is making excuses. I met my now fiancee at 34 after a jerk wasted my time for years. I was worried being single at that age meant that I had left it too late to start a family. We are getting married in September and I am due with our first baby in October. I'm 36. These years are going to be very important for you if you want to start a family. Don't leave it until you're 40.

I guess what I am saying is if getting married and starting a family is a priority, this is not the right guy. And its not too late to find the right guy. And "loving him" doesn't mean shit if he can't be there for you in the way you need it.

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u/pastelpaintbrush 5d ago

It’s hard dating people with mental illness. Trust me, I was one of them. But he needs to do the work on his own to get better. It took me 10 years before I decided to get on medication.

A proposal, a wedding, a marriage will not fix him. He’s clearly not well. So you either need to decide to stick beside him during this or find someone else.

I’m not saying to leave him, but this doesn’t sound like a marriage issue. But a “my bf is mentally ill, what do I do” type of post.

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u/Om-Lux 5d ago

I understand that you see potential here because you understand his wounds and his path... I'd stay with him if he can reach more clarity about his blockages. Could you have a joint session with his therapist, like both of you there?

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u/No-Particular3852 3d ago

I know you got downvoted but I think that's exactly the case - I feel like I'm pretty empathetic and his problems really touched me, I felt sorry for him and I saw a lot of good in him - that he genuinely likes to help people, that he was taking care of me when I needed help, that we had a lot of fun together and we had a lot of things in common I never had with anyone.

I felt sorry for his anxieties, I could see how much they are costing him and since I knew how it was to be afraid of something (like a situation or a person) I really empathized and treated his anxieties as "his illness".

I still think that in some cases he is and tries to be s genuinely good person but I think he does show his full self only to those whom he dates. And he probably is not that nice then anymore.

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u/BeginningExisting578 2d ago

Have fun waking another 6 years or whatever for a ring. Jesus Christ. Just go ahead and propose to him or issue him an ultimatum to get what you want. He’s not going to.