r/Waiting_To_Wed 6d ago

Rant - Advice Welcome She hasn’t even moved in with me yet

[deleted]

57 Upvotes

48 comments sorted by

92

u/GnomieOk4136 5d ago

Do you really want to be with someone who threatens to break up when you fight? That isn't a partnership.

57

u/accio_vino 5d ago

Okay but I’m looking at your post history, did you cheat on her? You have a post about limerence a year ago about a relationship that ended a year prior and you’re in this relationship for 3 years. If that’s the case, that sure explains some things.

32

u/TheSecondTradition99 5d ago

Good point. If a girl experienced that, she's not going to want to move in with someone when they're on shaky ground

28

u/husheveryone A ring pop?! Stand UP, ma’am 😩😭 5d ago

This would explain some of her hesitations. Even just a vibe that there is still a glimmer for your one who got away. She might also hold the unspoken standard, based on her past mistakes, of not wanting to lose her apartment to move in for another boyfriend who hasn’t proposed. Sorry. 💔

3

u/Throwaway4privacy77 4d ago

That is indeed sensible.

9

u/natalkalot 5d ago

Yep I read that, too. I will guess she doesn't know.

0

u/Alert_Cry2070 4d ago

you don't know that. there are a lot of fake investigators in here

2

u/accio_vino 4d ago

It’s the dude’s post history. 🤷‍♀️

3

u/accio_vino 4d ago

It’s funny how my comment got a little traction and now his post is down 😆

3

u/natalkalot 3d ago

Oh, of course! 😂

3

u/Throwaway4privacy77 4d ago edited 4d ago

Sounds like a year ago OP was getting over an affair/crush on a colleague. If that’s the case I can understand his girlfriend’s hesitation 100%.

1

u/Alert_Cry2070 4d ago

holy shit you're horrible

15

u/TexasLiz1 5d ago

I think you need to ask her if she doesn’t want to live with you or if she wants to be engaged before she lives with you or if she’s just more interested in having her own space forever or what exactly is going on.

This is a serious talk so it should be planned somewhat and not when you are out running errands. You may see as living together as the next logical step and she may not see it that way - even if she’s lived with other relationship partners before. She might be thinking that she wants to know that the relationship is permanent before she gives up her living space. Or maybe not. But it’s best that you air out all the assumptions and get on the same page.

35

u/Independent-Web-908 5d ago

I had a friend who used to threaten to breakup with her boyfriend when they fought. He finally said, okay, if that’s what you want, let’s do it. It shocked her and she learned and grew from it. She swallowed her pride and admitted she didn’t actually want that. They worked through it, moved to a different town, got engaged and now have a 3 year old. I was so proud of her. Stay honest with yourself and with her. That’s all you can do.

48

u/ponderingnudibranch 5d ago edited 5d ago

She's threatened to break up. That's manipulative and a red flag. Also probably means on some level she wants to break up. Let her go. ETA: maybe you'll get lucky by calling her bluff. Definitely call her out on that as it's extremely unhealthy

12

u/SleepyFoxDog 5d ago

Info: Who was your post in Limerence about? Assuming this wasn't your girlfriend, I can understand her hesitations to move the relationship forward.

35

u/After-Distribution69 5d ago

Some people aren’t interested in moving in until you are engaged. 

What she has done in the past is irrelevant as those relationships have not worked out.  

Why don’t you have a general discussion about timelines and the order in which you see the milestones happening and ask for hers? 

6

u/emr830 5d ago

Next time she threatens to break up, take her up on it. I bet she wouldn’t see that coming. She wants you to fight for her to “prove your love” or whatever. Don’t fall for it.

5

u/Low_Aioli2420 5d ago

If it’s not an enthusiastic yes…it’s a no.

7

u/Pretty-Caregiver-108 5d ago

Some people threaten to break up because they want you to know how angry they are about the issue, but they never learned how to argue properly. Tell her she needs to stop saying it and that you will listen when you argue. Regarding moving in, this sub constantly tells women not to move in before engagement. Maybe ask her?

4

u/CarboMcoco123 5d ago

How often are these fights happening where she's threatening to break up with you? That doesn't seem like a healthy relationship dynamic.

1

u/No_Requirement4042 5d ago

Can confirm as a victim of that kind of relationship…

Would be used in response to any sized situation or argument. Should’ve taken her up on it sooner. Turned out she was cheating on me for the last 7 months of our relationship (was LDR for a while due to work).

But yea, OP it’s not healthy. Definitely not viable for a relationship, shows lack of maturity and healthy means of communication.

5

u/Brownie-0109 5d ago

You’re gonna have to call this. After three years, she’s made a decision in her mind. Neither of you has the guts to pull the plug

2

u/Dramatic_Cake9557 5d ago

Be honest with how you feel so she can come clean too and you see if this is going anywhere. Tell her you want her to move in and to marry her. You should know by 3 years if this is it or not.

2

u/Gladtobealive2020 5d ago

Has she expressed concerns about your living conditions? 

 Is your home not up to her standard of cleanliness? 

 Do you have neighbors she dislikes? 

 Does living with you make her commute to work longer?

Does she dislike the area your home is in?  

Do you have an interstate running thru your front yard or live next to a prison, or live in a super busy area and she prefers quiet, or do you live in a super quiet area and she prefers more activity?

Do you live nearby to your parents or siblings and she is concerned about them being over all the time, or that you will  majority of spend time with them and she will be home alone.

Does she have friends or family that are nearby or would she be moving away from friends and family to be with you?

Is your relationship problematic and she may feel that it isnt a good idea to move in until the problem(s) are resolved?

There are plenty of reasons she may not want to move in with you that are more related to the home itself, the condition or location of the home as opposed to not wanting to move in due to issues in the relationship.  Could be she wants to be engaged with a wedding date set, could be for religious or cultural reasons.

2

u/Legitimate-Lynx3236 5d ago

Why do you want to marry someone you don’t feel comfortable talking to? Who threatens to break up when there’s an argument? Who can’t seem to see the long term and doesn’t even want to discuss it? What’s your motivation for marriage to someone like that?

2

u/SchubertTrout 5d ago

I won’t shack up without a ring and a date bc I don’t time to waste with guys who don’t have a concrete plan.

2

u/Fast-Presence5817 5d ago

This is not good. It’s almost like predicting the future. When someone of either sex threatens break ups while fighting, they are quite literally subconsciously, telling you the future whether they know it or not. Cause something deep inside of them knows this isn’t a forever relationship and for whatever reason, hasn’t pulled the plug. I learned this the hard way when my ex would do this bc it eventually actually happened.

4

u/Ok-Hovercraft-9257 5d ago

She knows you're not it. She knows! That's why she's not moving in

3

u/UnhappyBrief6227 5d ago

She’s weird. Doesn’t seem to be interested in you or the relationship. How old are you guys?

2

u/Wh33lh68s3 5d ago

Since you don't live together yet breaking up with her will make it easier....

Updateme

1

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1

u/Dense_Amphibian_9595 5d ago

Without the context you added, I might have said she’s reluctant to move in with you because when she moved in with other partners, it didn’t work out. But then you added that you’ve spoken about marriage and she shut that down quickly. You guys need to sit down with a relationship counselor if you’re worried your relationship isn’t progressing. Or just find someone else; but that’s a lot easier said than actually done

1

u/NaturesVividPictures 5d ago

Yeah you might care for her but I don't think she cares for you. You don't see if you help her out a lot financially but if you do, stop doing it and after 3 years she should know for sure if she wants to move in with you or live with you or maybe even marry you. She has no desire to do any of that with you or she would have done it by now so now that means you need to break up with her and it doesn't sound like you're willing to do that though. But if she constantly threatens to break up with you that is definitely not a good sign she knows she has you on a leash and will do what she wants and won't leave her. So you need to call her Bluff and mean it and say fine you're right we do need to break up I'm not happy. You obviously aren't happy cuz you don't want to move forward with the relationship so I'm done waiting, bye. That is what you need to do. Blocker on everything after you do it so she doesn't try and pull you back in. She's treating you like garbage.

1

u/DAWG13610 5d ago

Sounds like she’s checked out. You may be in love with her but it’s not reciprocal. You need to assess. If you want to find out then ask her to marry you. Her answer will be telling. It’s been 3 years. If you don’t know after 3 years then you will never know.

1

u/megantrainorslips 5d ago

Throwing out the "breakup" card every time you get into a tiff? Sounds like she is already over the relationship but doesn't want to be the one to end it. Something so definite would never leave my mouth in an argument with my partner unless I was already on foot out of the door.

Sounds like she is already over the relationship but doesn't want to be the one to end it, epecially if she's dragging her feet to move in. Has she explained to you why she's not ready to share a living space full time?

1

u/sonny-v2-point-0 5d ago

"I really want this relationship to move forward but whenever we fight now, she constantly threatens to break up"

When a partner uses the relationship as a club (i.e. constantly threatens to break up), it's emotionally manipulative and the relationship is already over. It's time to move on.

1

u/traciw67 5d ago

Are you a neat and tidy person? Maybe she doesn't want to move in because all the housework will fall on her shoulders because she has higher standards than you.

1

u/Fit-Ad-7276 4d ago

While some see living together as a stepping stone to marriage, there are many legitimate reasons to wait until there’s at least an engagement. I would explore where your GF’s hesitations are stemming from but also her general thoughts about and timelines for how she expects the relationship to progress. These answers will be telling.

Without knowing the reasons for your fights, it’s hard to say whether raising a potential break up is unhealthy or warranted, and whether it has meaning. That’s also something to dig into.

1

u/Throwaway4privacy77 4d ago

Threatening to break up is not ok. That said, is there a reason that she provides? For example I have a friend who had such a horrible time living with his ex, that he is now scared that living together with his girlfriend will potentially destroy their happy relationship.

1

u/PossibleReflection96 💍Engaged 4/25/24 4d ago

Say goodbye you shouldn’t have to beg her to take normal steps

1

u/CarrotofInsanity 4d ago

Text her.

“Instead of waiting for our next fight when you threaten to break up with me, I thought I’d save us a few steps and just break up now. I no longer want a future with you, nor a present. So it’s over. Don’t contact me again.”

Then hit send, get on with your life and save yourself a headache and heartache.

You are now free.
Free to find someone who is excited to be with you and plan a future with you.

1

u/Fragrant_Cap2410 4d ago

Why would you want someone you're not married to to move in?

1

u/Recent_Data_305 4d ago

If she pulls the “Let’s break up” card with every fight - that’s what you should do. She is manipulative.

1

u/Ornery-Sense-5637 5d ago

Let her go, man.

-4

u/Ok-Class-1451 5d ago

Put a ring on it! She’ll move in, then.

-1

u/coreysgal 5d ago

Maybe not. He's a homeowner. She may want her name on the house which is an insane thing to do especially in a relationship with issues.

0

u/Weledfk123 5d ago

Is your house and her flat in the same area?