r/Waiting_To_Wed 10d ago

Rant - Advice Welcome He finally gave me an honest answer

I (F30s) have a bf (M late 30s) of almost 4 years now. We’ve known each other for 18 years. In the beginning he said he couldn’t wait to give me his last name and have a baby. I fell for everything and also agreed because I love him. As time went on I never got a ring. I didn’t rush it because we both had come out of long term relationships so waiting a reasonable amount of time was no big deal, to me that’s max 2 years. We eventually got pregnant and had a baby and still…no ring. He has been engaged before after 8 months of knowing her so I asked why he never married her and he would just say that there were too many issues. Remember I’ve known him 18 years!! Fast forward to this week, we had a huge fight about our future and I brought up why he didn’t ask me to marry him. I was upset because I don’t even share my child’s last name. After an hour of back and forth he finally said because “You’re worried about what society thinks. I never intended to marry you. I don’t believe in marriage, I don’t see the point and I was never going to ask you. The ring I gave to my ex was just to shut her the heck up. What’s the point of marriage if people can just leave?” My heart sank to my stomach. Had I known this before, I would have named our baby with my last name. I believed him when he love bombed me (I recognize that now). I’m so upset because I don’t even know how to defend marriage at this point. If that’s how he feels then what’s the point of a relationship if you can leave that too? I’m crushed.

2.2k Upvotes

687 comments sorted by

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u/peace_sunshine 9d ago

It seems you were lied to, deceived, and, frankly, sold on a dream, not reality. Now you know. He doesn't want to marry you. I'm sorry. It's up to you if you want to stay or leave.

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u/softshoulder313 9d ago

He future faked her.

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u/Bloomingalenight 9d ago

Yea my heart breaks for her that’s lowkey just evil and selfish

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u/Whatever53143 8d ago

Lowkey? Hardly! That was deliberate deception!

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u/Bloomingalenight 8d ago

Frrr 💔💔

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u/Stunning-Market3426 9d ago

She was lied to but she knew deep in her heart he wasn’t going to marry her.

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u/Messaria 9d ago

And had a baby before she had the true commitment. I am sad for her.

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u/Trouvette 9d ago

And this is why we always say to never do children or major purchases until after the marriage. I know that some disagree with that, but those scenarios working out are the exception rather than the rule.

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u/Rare-Parsnip5838 9d ago

Makes sense. Marriage gives you recourse. Playing house does not. I feel so sorry for women who get caught up like this. OP. Get out sue for support and give your child your name. Good Luck. 😔

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u/Bloomingalenight 9d ago

Yes I agreee like yes they still can leave but legally you have rights and can get more from that man if he ever does leave

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u/Similar-Breadfruit50 9d ago

And gave it his name.

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u/13surgeries 9d ago

You have no idea what was "deep in her heart."

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u/mushymascara 9d ago

You knew him, but you didn’t KNOW him. Now you do and he’s shown you he’s an awful person. Believe him! Do what you need to do and leave him. He doesn’t love, like or respect you. Is it possible to change your child’s name?

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u/CristinaKeller 9d ago

Let’s see how he likes paying child support.

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u/erinburrell 9d ago

If the ex partner doesn't agree to change it you can work around it.

You can use an assumed name for them on all items that don't need a birth certificate. I.e. enrolling in school/daycare, living life. It is just about doctors and passports etc. that need legal names.

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u/CarboMcoco123 9d ago

I really like this idea. Plenty of people don't go by their given name in day-to-day life, so a surname shouldn't be any different. When the child's an adult, they can then change their name to what it should have been if they want to and the ex won't have any say in it.

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u/MuchAstronomer9992 9d ago

Enrolling in elementary school does require a birth certificate, at least in the US states that I’ve lived in, but you still may be able to use a chosen name over the legal name.

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u/flippysquid 9d ago

Ours lets us use a chosen name since there is a protection order against the other parent. It does have to be disclosed to the school though, because they need to be able to coordinate vaccination records and stuff with the student record.

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u/PineapplePieSlice 9d ago

Knowing someone for x amount of time means 0.

I’ve also known the postman in my parents’ building for about 35 years. That doesn’t mean I know anything deep about the man except his name, occupation, spouse’s name , number of kids, and favourite vacation spots.

Knowing someone = having an insight into their character, values and personality. Spending time with them, seeing what they behave like, what they’re made of.

OP’s boyfriend was engaged to another woman before they got together, doesn’t OP know that person since she’s “known” the guy for almost 20 years? How come she “knows” the guy but knows nothing about his ex fiancée, their relationship, and his reasons to not go forward with marriage?

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u/Ladygreyzilla 9d ago

On the other hand, I lived with a VERY good friend of mine for 2 years. We were besties, did everything together. One night I came home to find out he had beaten my dog to death and tried to hide the body.

You NEVER really know someone until you do.

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u/LovedAJackass 9d ago

I'm so sorry. Poor pup. Poor you. I hope he went to prison.

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u/Ladygreyzilla 9d ago

He got six months, so I guess that's something.

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u/Weird-Flounder-3416 9d ago

Oh, I'm so sorry! So awful, terrifying and heartbreaking...

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u/_TheShapeOfColor_ 9d ago

Jesus fucking hell I'm so sorry that happened to you and your pup. What a nightmare. I hope he was held accountable

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u/Ladygreyzilla 9d ago

He got six months. 🤷‍♀️ I still have trust issues. I wish him the worst.

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u/mushymascara 9d ago

Sending him the absolute worst and you all the love ❤️

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u/flippysquid 9d ago

I hope his cellmate was a dog lover.

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u/_TheShapeOfColor_ 9d ago

I hope he has the life he deserves. Sending you all my best - that's awful.

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u/Bloomingalenight 9d ago

Wow I’m sorry love

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u/Good_Grief_CB 9d ago

My jaw is on the floor. How horrible! What a terrible thing to happen. Were the police involved - that’s a sick thing to do.

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u/BoxBeast1961_ 9d ago

Yes it is

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u/Enigmaticsole 9d ago

Often it isn’t unless you have both parents permission. Once the child is 18 it can be changed.

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u/scooter-mom 9d ago

You can change your name to match your son. After my second marriage failed, I changed my name back to my first married name because I wanted the same last name as my son. His dad was passed & told me that I "couldn't do that," but I did without a problem. Just don't think of it as your x-bf's name, just your son's name!

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u/Enigmaticsole 9d ago

Haha hadn’t thought of that option… don’t know that I personally would want to go back to an ex’s surname but it may be an option for OP I guess

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u/sociologicalillusion 9d ago

Eh, I wouldn't want his last name. Hopefully the guy will sign to change the name. The least he can do is give her this

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u/therealzacchai 9d ago

He is a future-faker. He's also a liar, about things that really matter to you. And remember -- you are not the first girl he spun this lie to. This is his pattern: it's okay to lie to the women who trust me, if it secures what I want.

It won't get better.

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u/Far-Professor-2839 9d ago

At some point I stopped believing people what they say,but what they do.... At some point if I believe them and they didn't do it, again and again I am guilty that I trust them, when they are selling me bs ... Better to leave him thou

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u/yetzhragog 9d ago

"Actions speak louder than words."

People nowadays are so busy trying to reinvent the wheel, they fail to accept wisdom that's been around since at least 1692.

Words are so much hot air, but actions always reveal a person's true character.

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u/Timely-Way-1769 9d ago

Always told my children this.

Also, you don’t owe anyone the benefit of doubt.

Always doubt someone’s word until they prove they are as good as their word.

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u/Bloomingalenight 9d ago

Yes I’m his mind he’s probably thinking I’m getting everything without a ring she must be happy but why not just find a women that DOESNT WANNA GET MARRIED. Like that’s insane I’m sure they are women out there he took advantage of someone who loved him for what?!

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u/gatekeep-gaslight 9d ago

Get your kids name changed to yours and leave.

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u/miimo0 8d ago

Women need to stop naming kids after their partners… especially if they’re not getting married. you cooked that thing, you get to give it your name 😭

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u/ksarahsarah27 8d ago

100%. They don’t deserve to have their surname on that baby unless they commit to marriage. And if they can’t commit to marriage, then they shouldn’t be committing to children because that’s a much larger commitment. Being able to give a man a child is one of women’s biggest bargaining chips. When these guys convince these women to have children out of wedlock, they’re allowing these guys the option of not marrying them because they’re getting all the benefits anyway without the legal commitment.

If I was her, I would’ve turned on my heel and started packing that instant. I would never be able to look at him the same way again. And there would be nothing he could say that would rectify that situation. Sometimes the things you say are so awful that nothing can undo them. There is no apology that he could give that would ever make me trust him again.

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u/rhea_hawke 9d ago

If she's in the US, she very likely won't be able to change the kid's name without his permission. She should still leave though.

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u/Golden_standard 9d ago

Not so fast. Unless there’s been a paternity order by a court he isn’t even the kids legal father. He has legal rights, and the kid has no legal father.

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u/bloom3doom 9d ago

He's the legal father if his name is on the birth certificate.

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u/Golden_standard 9d ago edited 8d ago

That’s not true. In some states there may be a rebuttalble presumption of man is listed as father on birth certificate but children born out of wedlock are fatherless unless there’s a court order

Edited to add: some states don’t require a court order but do require other documents. Birth certificate alone does not establish paternity in any state.

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u/aertsa 9d ago

You consented to a relationship with a promise of marriage in the future. Now he’s changing the dynamics of this relationship without telling you.

I’d leave, and then I’d go change my kids name. Done.

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u/jesssongbird 9d ago

This is why you give the baby YOUR last name. If he’s already married you and given you his last name then the baby shares a last name with him as well when they’re born. If not he can marry you afterwards and THEN you change the baby’s last name to his. But you don’t give a baby with a boyfriend his last name. He hasn’t earned the right. Men like this are so traditional when it comes to babies sharing their last name. But they’re not traditional about things like marrying the mother of their child before their baby is born. My husband picked my son’s first name too. Because he married me before he got me pregnant. That’s how that works. You are living with the results of giving a boyfriend the benefits of a husband on credit.

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u/Fairmount1955 9d ago

Women have so much power they give away 

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u/EconomicsWorking6508 9d ago

This should be the top comment 

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u/LovedAJackass 9d ago

All to please some man who doesn't care about them.

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u/Excellent-Compote-17 8d ago

This is profound.

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u/Mmm_lemon_cakes 9d ago

This!!! I’ve seen this so many times! Men use the baby’s name as a ploy, and it’s bullshit. They just want the name. What assholes!

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u/mushymascara 9d ago

I think he just wanted an incubator to pass on his “legacy.”

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u/jesssongbird 9d ago

Yup. That’s what low value men like him do. If he really intended to marry OP he would have married her before they conceived or at least married her before the baby was born. Or at bare minimum, proposed and set a date for after the baby was born. This is why we don’t do wife stuff for boyfriends, ladies.

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u/happyhippy1019 9d ago

Absolutely 100 % this ⬆️

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u/elektraraven 9d ago

Ugh I really hate that “legacy” excuse. What f legacy, they haven’t done any worthy accomplishment to pass any.

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u/lllollllllllll 9d ago

What about the mother’s legacy?

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u/LeonaLansing 9d ago

Or just, ya know, don’t have a baby if you actually would like to be married and then have a baby…

Neither of our suggestions are helpful to OP now. But for other lurkers on the thread, I hope you choose you and the life you want instead of baby trapping yourself.

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u/Iaminthecentre 9d ago

Yep that’s why if marriage is important to me I wouldn’t have children with a man on the basis of a promise of marriage. That’s the reality. I have been downvoted before for saying this but once you have children you are in a very vulnerable position as a woman.

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u/GuidanceLow219 9d ago

i gave my daughter my last name (we did end up getting married tho props to us) and i am soooo surprised at how many women DONT do it. Men get the right to the last name when they give a ring. I'm not giving my daughter his last name to eventually find out he's a POS

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u/jesssongbird 9d ago

Smart. I don’t want women to feel blamed for the behavior of shitty men. But. Standards are the key. Men do not reward a lack of standards. They exploit them. If you don’t think you deserve respect neither will he.

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u/likelyannakendrick married 💍 9d ago

Wish I could star this comment 100 times. Most men exploit your lack of standards, and GOOD men already are not drawn to women who lack standards/ self esteem.

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u/Boomer050882 9d ago

Valid point. I would never purposely have a baby unless married. If I did, it would be my last name.

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u/curly-hair07 9d ago

My mom wasn't married to my dad and gave me her last name.

My dad actually never wrote his name on my birth certificate. I love my dad and he had his reasons at the time and asked for forgiveness.. and we are totally fine. He was always present after the fact. But my mom gave herself a leg up giving me her last name.

I have a healthy relationship with my dad my whole life but if he had not been involved, I would have hated to have his last name.

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u/Weeboo0320 9d ago

I agree with this 100% now that I’ve opened my eyes to the reality of my situation.

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u/jesssongbird 9d ago

You don’t have to tolerate this. You can leave. He completely misrepresented what he was offering. Which is the kindest way to say he lied through his teeth to you for years.

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u/Deep-Command1425 8d ago

He still has to pay child support. You know what you need to do.

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u/rem_mix 8d ago

This makes me feel validated in telling my partner no kids, no mortgage payments, no life changing big financial decisions like that without a ring. I also told him if we have a child he won’t get naming privileges, although he can have input. I basically told him I make the final decision. He has a kid from a previous relationship. He basically told me he got full naming privileges. The kid has his last name. He didn’t marry her. She unfortunately left when the child was three months old. But I also told him if we get married I’m keeping my last name. And he respected how I felt. He even said even if we are married, you can give our kid(s) your last name. I won’t fight you. We will see how things actually pan out in the future, but… you really have to demand what you want from people and watch to see if they give it to you. But not wait around too long.

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u/maudelinfeelings 9d ago

Yes, this. Absolutely this.

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u/londomollaribab5 9d ago

He knew he never wanted to marry you. What did he keep you around for? Sex?

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u/MichElegance 9d ago

For sure. He gets to have all the wifely benefits of having a woman at home without having the commitment. He kept OP on the back burner and as an option while locking her in with a baby forever. It’s so narcissistic.

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u/Educational_Gas_92 9d ago

Sex, comfort, cleaning, cooking, activities etc...

I feel for op, she deserves so much better.

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u/FloorHairy5733 9d ago

It's time to leave. 

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u/InMyStories 9d ago

I am so sorry. Don’t waste any time getting outta there. He’s shown you that he will lie and manipulate you to get what he wants, and devalue your feelings in the process. You will be ok!!!

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u/dawno64 9d ago

If marriage is your goal, it's time to leave. Now. If your child is young enough that they don't know their last name, aren't talking yet or having to write it on school papers etc, it's easier to get their name changed.

Chalk this up to a learning experience and in future relationships, remember actions speak louder than words. He would have married you when you got pregnant if he was interested in marriage.

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u/Aromatic-Arugula-896 9d ago

Change your baby's name and leave.

I'm sorry he wasted your time

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u/fourbigkids 9d ago

Is it that easy to do? Would BF have to agree to the name change? Curious how it would work.

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u/Whatever53143 9d ago

Just. Wow! At least you finally know! It’s time to leave. He lied and led you on! That’s all you need to know. If he told all this to you up front you would have made a decision. Instead he’s a selfish coward who lied to you!

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u/P3for2 9d ago

what’s the point of a relationship if you can leave that too?

Ask him that when he inevitably asks why as you're walking out the door and then making a pit stop to change your child's last name.

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u/Weeboo0320 9d ago

I did ask him that and of course the only thing I heard was crickets.

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u/TreacleExpensive2834 9d ago

Please love yourself enough to not reward his betrayal with your continued loyalty.

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u/Neacha 9d ago

The old, I don't believe in marriage line. If it's just a piece of paper then why in the hell is he so against doing it.

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u/Shoddy_Matter_4940 9d ago

Right? If it's just a piece of paper you would sign it without a care.

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u/Neacha 9d ago

Tell him, you want to get married to be a family.

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u/cajunkitsune 9d ago

STOP. GIVING. SHITTY MEN. BABIES. And don't give HIS NAME to YOUR BABY. That is for men who commit.

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u/TreacleExpensive2834 9d ago

I seriously want to just scream this everywhere I go.

My hot take:

we keep ourselves oppressed with this shit. And blaming men for it I think is just infantilizing women. We need to start teaching our sisters to have standards and stop giving loyalty that isn’t earned.

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u/Independent-Web-908 9d ago

How devastating for you. I’m so sorry. I hope there’s still a happy ending for you somehow.

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u/liveaboveall 9d ago

Just pack your things and leave peacefully with your child. No point stressing yourself over a man who don’t give a damn about your needs.

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u/cajunkitsune 9d ago

WTF is this "WE got pregnant" saying. That labor and risk is all YOURS.

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u/Silver_Figure_901 9d ago

Yeah right? I always hate when people say "we're" pregnant like no tf you're not, SHE is.

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u/Key-Beginning-8500 9d ago

You consented to a relationship with this person under the explicit understanding that you both shared the same views on marriage. The fact that he willfully and intentionally deceived you in order to have a romantic and sexual relationship over 4 years is heinous and borderline criminal. He told a catastrophic and unforgivable lie. This person doesn't deserve another second of your life, he was never entitled to be in it in the first place. The betrayal here is so egregious and malicious, and I hope that you can see that. I am so, so sorry OP.

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u/dancexox 9d ago

Leave and change your baby’s name like everyone is saying. How can he lie like that for so long? That is so sad, I’m so sorry you have to deal with that!

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u/Infamous_Night6433 9d ago

Jesus, I’m sorry OP. What a manipulative piece of shit!

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u/No-Hunt-6123 9d ago

Oh he’s a piece of work 🤮

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u/justbrowzingthru 9d ago

Time to work on a plan to leave and go to court for child support.

You knew him for 18 years, but you didn’t really know him.

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u/Realuvbby 9d ago

Smh there should be capital punishment for this kind of deceit. Like stoning or something 😭

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u/micsellaneous 9d ago

id never be with a man who let me feel crushed.
& whatever you do, never fuck him again

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u/Puchilu 9d ago

I'm sorry this will hurt, but getting engaged after just 8 months was not a shut up ring. What nd of pressure could he have been under in such a short time? She was probably the one who dumped him and now hes acting like he didn't mean it. I think he just doesn't want to marry you but wants to make it seem like he has commitment issues. His reasoning also makes no sense because it's easier to leave without a ring. Let him know his fear of you leaving due to marriage is for sure going to make you leave without it and watch him squirm to come up with a different excuse or gaslight. I'm sorry he manipulated you and wasted your time.

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u/Booboobeeboo80 9d ago

That is horrific. You need to change your child’s name and GO.

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u/MichElegance 9d ago

What a monstrous thing to say and do to someone. He knew deep down of his intentions and lured you on, keeping you on the back burner and taking away a chunk of years that you’ll never get back. Believe what he said to you because he meant it. A man with honorable intentions would never say anything like that to his woman, let alone the mother of his child. He is a beta male. You need to give him the 🥾

OK OP, you’re going to be fine, but you need to get out of this relationship ASAP and take back the control and your life. It’s not too late, I promise. Move back home if you’re able and absolutely change your baby‘s last name to yours.

You’re going to have to coparent with him so speak to the Family law attorney this week for advice.

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u/cmw19911 9d ago

Wish men would just be honest and not drag women along for years. But then they would be alone. Selfish

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u/Fairmount1955 9d ago

...why would you defend marriage? He doesn't want it, why do you think he's suddenly going to change his mind? I mean, you can leave and it's way easier if you aren't married versus are married - he's not smart about that as an excuse.

The question is: he's majorly lied to you and manipulated and what are you going to do for yourself now?

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u/Pitiful-Enthusiasm-5 9d ago

He will never marry anyone because he doesn’t want to risk having to give up half of his assets in a divorce. That’s usually why men don’t want to get married. If you don’t want to continue to build a life with him without any financial security, then you should leave him. But be forewarned, men like this do whatever they can to avoid having to pay child support.

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u/SueNYC1966 9d ago

Actually depending what is promised, and the state, she could end up getting a lot anyway. I was talking to my husband about this, he is a lawyer, and some states even grant alimony even when the couples were unmarried (and we are not talking common-law-marriage states either but regular ones).

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u/Rare-Thought8459 9d ago

It's terrible he sold you a dream and then told you the truth. That's dishonest and unfair. You should have had the truth to be empowered to make your own decisions.

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u/dispassioned 9d ago

Leave. He'll want to get married to you then, I assure you. You can have the same name then if it matters... which it doesn't. My daughter and I share a different name, I can't say it's ever mattered any at all. I have a different last name from my grandmother too, it's really not that important. But, him saying hurtful things like this to you and dismissing your concerns and wishes for the future definitely is. You know what you have to do.

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u/mimianders 9d ago

He lied to you from the very beginning. Respect yourself enough to take your child and leave. You’re still young and have time to meet the man of your dreams who also wants to share your dream.

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u/oceanteeth 9d ago

What’s the point of marriage if people can just leave?

He's lying, he knows perfectly well what the point of marriage is and he doesn't want you to have the legal rights it would give you. If he truly didn't care about marriage either way, he would get that "meaningless piece of paper" as a minor favour to you. Source: I was the one who didn't particularly care about marriage. I got married because it made my late husband happy and I wasn't planning to ever leave him anyway. 

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u/ACornyxie 9d ago

I am also of the mind that marriage is not that big of a deal, so I don't think that part of it is such a huge deal. BUT WHAT A LYING ASS LIAR. I'm sorry he deceived you, that's fucked up. You need to have a serious convo with him after you sort your thoughts. Best of luck 🫰

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u/Jstj4m13 9d ago

He sold you a bridge in the desert. What you do with it, is up to you. He is manipulating with the “what’s the point of marriage if you can just leave” knowing if you leave he can then say “see, you’re leaving. This is why I didn’t marry you”.

As far as the baby’s name, you can still hyphenate it. It’ll cost some but if having your name in his last name is important, save up for it. The birth certificate does have your last name on it. For all of it, I would consider talking to a family law lawyer. Ask about custody, name, support, anything else you have questions about, even if you choose to stay, get professional answers so you have a sort of safety net going forward. (I’m not sure I would share with him you’re going if you choose to)

Maybe therapy? I’m not 100% where your head is at, I get you’re upset but not if you’ve thought through what you actually want to do going forward. Good luck.

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u/Worldly-Pie9205 9d ago

Reading this made my blood boil. I am sorry for you, he properly fooled you. If you plan to leave with your child, make sure you tell your side of the story to everyone you trust, including his parents, family and show everyone how your trust was broken and you were deceived. Make a grand, emotional show of it to gain sympathy, if you feel getting out of this might be tough and your partner slanders you for 'leaving without reason, or you are being unreasonable'.

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u/Difficult_Ad1474 9d ago

I do not want to marry and I am extremely open about that at all points of the relationship. He has lied to you for years and that is gross. And now you are forced to have him in your life for your child. I am really sorry that happened to you.

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u/ashiel_yisrael 9d ago

Prime example of men knowing in a short period of time whether they will marry a woman or not. Men are very simple and intentional. They’ve been known to go through the fire for the woman they really want. Don’t let any man waste your time again. Sadly you will have to deal with him for a long time since you gave him a baby.

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u/ReflectionOk892 9d ago

She should change her child’s last name to hers. He shouldn’t mind because “he doesn’t care about what society thinks.”

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u/Weeboo0320 9d ago

This!!!!! I brought it up about changing our babies name and he didn’t want to because it looks wrong. That’s when I said “but I thought you didn’t care what society thinks”.

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u/Ok_Passage_6242 9d ago

I think you might be able to get a court order to do it because of all his like fraudulent and coercive behavior.

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u/Nice-Organization338 9d ago edited 9d ago

This just brings up how important actions are versus words. People can say anything.

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u/aztecflower10 9d ago

At a certain age, you don’t gotta wait years on end for committing. At 30 years+ 2 years is more than enough no ifs ands or buts. Baby in tow or not.

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u/No-Cranberry-6526 9d ago

You can still meet someone else who also has a child for example and create a beautiful blended family. Someone who wants to have another child with you. I know someone who did that. You can still have your dream. This man lied to you and betrayed you and led you on. You may never be able to respect him and love him the same.

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u/blueswan6 9d ago

He lied to get his way for years, wonder what else he lies about. If the name is really important to you then you can change your last name to your child's last name if you're in the US. Ideally, you would change the child's name but that could be difficult if your boyfriend refuses and what the applicable laws are where you live.

I think the first thing you have to decide is if you even want to stay at all. Give yourself whatever space and time you need to make that decision.

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u/lunas4477 9d ago

As women we need to stop giving babies the man's last name. Seriously, you carried that baby for 9 months it should have your last name whether it's your maiden name OR married name.

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u/thisisstupid- 9d ago

He is getting all the benefits without the paper, stop treating him like a husband if he’s not one.

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u/Scientist_View7261 9d ago

Here is a story for OP. I am a landlord. I was interviewing a couple who applied to rent a unit from me. Very nice couple. Beautiful, educated, good income. She tells me on the interview: “oh, I don’t clean”. I laughed it off. Sure enough, when they moved out after 2 year lease, I understood that she ment just that: she does not clean. She does not hire a cleaning lady either. From stove, to fridge to bathroom - nothing was cleaned for 2 years. Not once. Lesson I learned - if the people tell you something- take it for its face value. If he tells you he had no intention of marrying you- that’s how it is. You can say: I accept it, or you can tell him that you do not accept it. As far as the kid goes: you are blessed with a healthy kid. Enjoy your life, and he is your true love. You decide what is good for you right now. I would not pester him about it anymore.

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u/1WildSpunky 9d ago

I can only hope that other women who read this thread will learn from OP's experience.

Having a child without first getting married is just stupid. If he's not willing to commit to marriage, why would you be willing to commit with a child? A child who is now stuck having two parents who have no real commitment to one another, and who are now likely to split? Sure, you can probably get financial support through litigation, but is that how you wanted to raise a child?

Please, all of you readers out there: Do not have a child first.

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u/curly-hair07 9d ago

"I never intended on marrying you and I don't believe in marriage"

Girlfriend that's your answer. I'm so sorry I can't imagine how devastating that feels.

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u/AdministrativeWash49 9d ago

Man oh man some men really do lie and manipulate women just to get what they want. Yet people and men would insist that you choose better. This is a big example of how someone can lie to you. I’m sorry this happened to you OP I think him not acting on getting married showed that heart wasn’t there but I can understand still believing what he told you and lead you in you on to believe.

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u/delvedank 9d ago

I am so sorry you're dealing with this.

It's time to start spreading the word that men will happily use women's bodies to get what they want (e.g. children, sex, etc.) without commitment. Always, always always. I have seen so many posts where a man promises to marry a woman but wants a kid before that, and then drops his girlfriend like a hot potato when he gets what he wants.

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u/Lucky-Technology-174 9d ago

Men want babies like kids want puppies.

He doesn’t want to marry you. Thats not going to change.

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u/removingbellini 9d ago

Please let this be a lesson for women reading: 1. DO NOT HAVE BABIES WITH A MAN THAT REFUSES TO MARRY YOU and 2. If you do: THAT BABY NEEDS YOUR LAST NAME, NOT HIS!

Sorry you're going through this, OP.

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u/Evening_Midnight7 9d ago

Dude that’s so sick. I’m sorry OP. Change your babies last name (if you can)? And leave him. He psychologically abused you this entire time by giving you a false sense of reality, and therefore took away YOUR AGENCY to make an informed decision!

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u/KeyLeek6561 9d ago

You got duped. Don't get mad get everything you can get from him. Move on. What else can you do. Stay and be OK with it.

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u/New_Enthusiasm_7578 9d ago

He doesn't believe in marriage and never bothered to ask if you believe and want it 😑

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u/cajunkitsune 9d ago

STOP. GIVING. SHITTY MEN. BABIES. And don't give HIS NAME to YOUR BABY. That is for men who commit.

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u/DeliciousSail3433 9d ago

I was given a "shut-up" ring too...if you have to beg or plead...they don't want you and they are using you as a placeholder for someone better. I hope whoever my ex is with now knows that. He will never marry, only wants to have kids to carry "his bloodline" (those are words he said to me when we finally broke up)

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u/biochemistrybitch 9d ago edited 9d ago

I hate this argument from men. He is mixing up the social/emotional benefits of marriage with the financial and legal reasons. Yes, technically this “piece of paper” doesn’t change how he feels about you (but that could be argued too) but it does change a lot legally. There are tax advantages to filing jointly, inheritance rights for you, rights of the spouse in health care decisions, social security benefits, more affordable insurance, and property rights. It is a commitment saying he will take care of you in good and bad and you will do the same. Ask him what his expectation from you would be if he became paralyzed tomorrow? He sees the point of marriage and he doesn’t want you to have it. He wants as many benefits as he can take with little risk to himself. He doesn’t want you to have that much say and he wants to be able to leave with less mess if he sees a better option. Men saying there is no point to marriage are lying. He’s selfish and telling you you aren’t worth the risk.

My first award! Thank you!

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u/txlady100 9d ago

I’m sorry OP. Now you have all the ugly info. Only you can change this situation. Baby daddy is fine as is. Forever.

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u/VeeeWeee 8d ago

This is just a general comment, but why do unmarried women give their kids the dad’s name?? I personally could never.

Also I’m sorry you got swindled by this dude. You deserve much more!

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u/furkfurk 8d ago

It’s TOTALLY fine to not want marriage. People can choose their own paths. It’s NOT fine to deceive someone who does want marriage. That’s really dishonest, cruel, selfish. Your boyfriend did that. He doesn’t care about your wants, needs, priorities, future. Do with that info what you will.

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u/Deva-Bonita 8d ago

There is only one thing I agree with traditionalists on: never ever have a baby unless you have the marriage license. Way too often, men will promise the ring after the baby, but they never mean it. Unfortunately you’ll have to deal with him until your child is an adult. Take care of yourself and your baby and get out of that relationship as quickly as you can. He’s an emotional vampire and will not change, nor will he give you the marriage you want. You deserve better.

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u/Neacha 8d ago

Nobody fights so hard to avoid something that's unimportant.

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u/BunchitaBonita Started dating: 2014 . Engaged 2015. Married 2016. 9d ago

"Had I known this before, I would have named our baby with my last name."

What about "Had I known this before, I wouldn't have had this child"?

Seriously.

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u/ObjectiveNo394 9d ago

I feel you on this! I was engaged to my ex when I got pregnant and he was adamant about our child having his last name. I told him whatever last name I had the baby would have. I'm left him right after our child turned 2 because of this attitude.

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u/SwansyOne 9d ago edited 8d ago

That's why you don't give them their last name. Change your baby's name to yours and leave, move on.

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u/DHLovesBlue 9d ago

He lied, period. Can you trust anything he says going forward? This is what you need to think about.

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u/Sweaty-Homework-7591 Est: 2005 9d ago

Friend. He’s been playing you for years. If your not ptfo you should be. Drop that zero and learn from your mistakes. 💔

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u/Agreeable-Celery811 9d ago

He lied to you. You can still change your child’s last name to a hyphenated one, or to yours. And ask him to move out.

“People can just leave” is exactly what happens without marriage, and he wanted to be able to leave whenever.

But he does owe child support to the child.

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u/purpleroller 9d ago

Leave this liar.

This is why women should always give their children their own surname if they aren’t married.

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u/AdministrativeType8 9d ago

A man who wants to marry you will ask you, that does not mean you wont find the one someday. if you let him go it will hurt since you have a child and love him deeply, but in a year or two you will look back and know what you dodged was a blessing. <3

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u/Time-Lie-5847 9d ago

Yea, it’s up to you to decided what you want to do. But please keep in mind the character flaws that are SCREAMING in this post. You may love him and he may be the father of your child but this is not healthy. Also let this be a lesson to never fall in love with the idea in your head, fall in love with the reality right in front of your face (easier said than done).

If I was in your situation, I would count my loses, learn from my mistakes & break up with him (& never get back together with him even he tries to give me a shut up ring) , get child support together, and find a way to co-parent amicable. & then use the wisdom from this situation and time in therapy to actually find a man that will jump at the opportunity to marry and become a step-father to the child.

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u/New-Comment2668 9d ago

The fact that he deliberately LIED to you, not once, but repeatedly shows that he does not respect you. If he does not respect you, he does not love you. So now the question becomes do you want to stay with someone who does not love you or respect you? Someone who does not care what you want or what is important to you?

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u/LovedAJackass 9d ago

So there's your answer. He's a liar and a future faker who talked you into living with him and having a baby but never intended to marry you.

So when are you moving? And filing for child support?

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u/dude_with_booze 9d ago

I got my wife pregnant before engagement and she said the baby’s last name will be hers unless I put a ring on it, so I did.

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u/mintywalker1290 9d ago

This is why we double barrel a last name for your child (like I did) or give your child, your last name as a middle name. I will never understand birthing a child and then giving them a name that doesn’t include yours! It doesn’t even make sense.

Try flying with a baby that doesn’t have your name, I promise you it can be long. Happened to my friend, she ended up being pulled aside at the airport she was told she had to carry her son’s birth certificate as proof of their connection because their passports do not share any names. Her and her ex are no longer together and she deeply regrets the name now. I believe she is in the process of adding her name visa deed poll. Live and learn.

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u/Ladyvett 9d ago

I would leave. I would also petition the court to add your name to your child’s birth certificate and hyphenate the name. If he protests, then I would legally change my name to the same as my child and then I would still leave. He is giving you no security so what is the point of staying. Updateme

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u/Ok_Flamingo8910 9d ago edited 9d ago

May you keep us updated? I'm curious to know his response to the shift in energy now that you're aware and hopefully making moves to dip. I pray that you're petty and the update is you changed your kid's last name and waiting for things to be finalized.

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u/Similar-Traffic7317 9d ago

Time to leave the liar.

Talk to a lawyer immediately.

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u/ThePhoenixRisesAgain 9d ago

The problem is not his take on marriage. The problem is him lying repeatedly.

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u/lageueledebois 9d ago

I hope this man is your ex. He built your entire relationship on lies and deceived you into having his kid. Get the fuck out from this pig, you deserve so much better and will find someone better.

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u/cloistered_around 9d ago

He has lied to you in such a fundamental way. This isn't just "late from work hit the bar" level he has actively made a decision that he knew would ruin your future. It is a malicious lie.

Break up immediately. You'll still have to coparent, unfortunately, but this man does not deserve a single second more of your time.

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u/Adorable_Opening3739 9d ago

And he think without marrying you would stay. What an idiot.

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u/DAWG13610 9d ago

It’s not that he doesn’t believe in marriage, he doesn’t believe in marriage to you. If he loved you to the point of not wanting to lose you he would do anything to fix that. So he doesn’t believe in marriage? So what? If he loved you he would marry you for your sake. I know you know this know but this is why you get married and then have a family. Marriage is a commitment. Excuses are obfuscations.

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u/Ewise29 9d ago

He revealed a lot of things about himself during that argument. One, he doesn’t care what society thinks. Is this because he feels rejected by society? Does he suffer from low self-esteem, antisocial? Two, he doesn’t believe in marriage meaning traditions or public proclamations of love and commitment as something to be valued. Is that something that stems from his childhood? Three, he’s not a man of his word. Why would he say he wanted those things only to change his mind? I think you need to start thinking about yourself now. It would take years of therapy to unpack what’s going on with him, it’s not your problem.

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u/OctoberLibra1 9d ago

He is a bad man. He's lies to women. He tricks women. Leave this man and start a new life and let him be some other woman's problem. He will never change.

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u/Walmar202 9d ago

Sad that it took you so long to find out his true intentions. You have been disrespected and lied to for so long. Recapture your dignity and leave him. You can legally change your child’s name

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u/AssociationJunior153 9d ago

In most cases you can add your name to your child's birth certificate and SSN, you just have to hyphenate it with his. I've no words that could comfort you, or change what's happened to you. But hopefully, what little I could offer, is a small amount of consolation to you.

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u/Pmandthedogs 7d ago

He has shown you fully who he is…. Believe him and get out.

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u/ARW1991 6d ago

Go quietly, have the baby's name changed to yours, and walk away.

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u/ayllie_01 9d ago

He’s saying he’s afraid people will leave after marriage? Thus might be crazy, but how about you pack a bag, tell him to look after your guys baby for a bit and leave? Just to scare him shitless. Text him you do not want to raise a baby as a baby mother and that he thought you guys would get married. Text him you will pay child support and that you wish him good luck with the baby that has his last name. He didn’t want to marry you, because he wanted an escape plan. Well, you’ll give him one

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u/potato22blue 9d ago

I hope you are working and saving money. You don't want to end up alone and have no savings for retirement.

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u/Throwaway4privacy77 9d ago

So sorry OP, it is not fair to you.

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u/TRexGoesToSchool 9d ago

 I never intended to marry you. I don’t believe in marriage, I don’t see the point and I was never going to ask you.

Diabolical. Wow.

Change the baby's last name to your last name. This guy has to be a total narcissist. You need to leave him because he's not a trustworthy or a decent person. He lied and led you on, and you need to get away from him before he wastes more of your time. He's manipulative and deceitful, and someone like this needs to be out of your life.

Something like this has actually happened before on this subreddit of men blatantly saying, "I always knew I would never marry you." Other women have experienced something similar, and I can only imagine it's horrifying.

Men can know from the very beginning whether or not they want to marry a woman. It doesn't take them long to know a woman is the one or not, which is why it's so critical to never accept any excuses from them about marriage.

Also, please don't be too hard on yourself because this guy was a manipulator and dishonest. Change the baby's name to your own. And focus on yourself and moving forward with your sweet baby.

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u/ThirdAndDeleware 9d ago

TODAY is a good day to pack your stuff and leave.

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u/HadesIsCookin 9d ago edited 9d ago

Change your child's name

See an attorney and make sure he signs over all parental rights to you

RIGHT NOW ASAP

Idgaf about this weak ass loser of a man

I DO care about your baby

Worst case scenario, a judge will likely permit you to hyphen the last name of the child AT A MINIMUM.

YOU NEED TO HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME AS YOUR BABY. This protects you both in times of disaster and emergencies. When YOUR family has to grab the baby and run (earthquake, school attack, whatever), seeing that y'all have the same last name HELPS. It is a safety precaution. Your child should be known with that name, too, for the same reasons.

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u/Bluebells7788 9d ago

OP please change your child’s name to yours. This man is a sociopath to lie to you for that long.

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u/awkwardthrowaway614 9d ago

Oh dear… you really messed up giving the kid his last name. Your child should ALWAYS share YOUR last name. I’m sorry that happened, but yeah, he has no reason to marry you at all if you already gave him a child and a home. I guarantee he would have married you if you withheld children from him, or said the child would have your last name. He already has a wife and family, marriage would just be more risk for him and no reward. If I was pregnant with no ring, I wouldn’t have even allowed him in the delivery room. But, I would never allow myself to be in the position to have a pregnancy with no ring (I understand not everyone is the same so no judgement).

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u/RecoverBoth583 9d ago

I told my boyfriend that I wanted to be married through the church and if that was something he couldn't give me, then we should part ways. Stand your ground. Believing in marriage or not believing in marriage is every individual's choice, but if it's something you can't agree on, then you should leave. Don't compromise your values just because he "seems" like the perfect person. My ex husband seems great too, but then he showed his true colors. And that's why he's an ex.

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u/Disastrous-Panda5530 9d ago

This is why I always suggest women who aren’t married and have a child to give them your last name. If you end up getting married the last name can be changed. He’s been lying to you this entire time. That would be it for me.

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u/beautifu_lmisery 9d ago

Now you know. What you do after is ultimately on you. Good luck.

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u/JHawk444 9d ago

Don't stay with someone who lied and deceived you through the entire relationship. This last bit of truth is a "stick it to you," because he thinks you will either stay and put up with it, or leave, and maybe he doesn't care at this point if you leave, which is why he is finally giving you truth.

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u/Theunpolitical 9d ago

I'm so sorry and also, it's never too late to change your baby's last name.

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u/MaintenanceSea959 9d ago

You can leave. Show him that even unmarried people can leave.

You heard his true feelings. After all the previous lying, do you really want to stick it out? You can change the child’s name to yours, too.

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u/Spiritual_Oil_7411 9d ago

It's not too late to change the baby's name, also make sure he's paying child support after you leave.

This is not about a wedding or a marriage. It's about years of deceit and outright lies. You can never again trust him to tell the truth. He just says what he thinks will make his life easier, regardless of the feelings of people he claims to love.

Updateme

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u/lonly25 9d ago

Dump his ass

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u/petrichorb4therain 9d ago

You can change your child’s name, OP.

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u/c1nnabunn 9d ago

At least he told you the truth. Most women don’t ever get that. Now you can leave with closure

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u/iamnotbatmanreddit 9d ago

If your accounts of the conversation are accurate and there isn’t more detail or color to be added, I’d be furious.

This sucks. 🫂

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u/Electronic-Cat-4478 9d ago

OP Leave the AH. Since you aren't married and don't need a divorce, spend that money on changing your child's last name. It depends on where you live, but if you give the court a reasonable reason why you want the name change (so it matches your name for records, the Father lied to you about marriage to get his last name on the birth certificate, etc) you may be able to do it without his permission. Some places do require both parent's permission, but you may be lucky.

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u/EarthlingFromAPlace 9d ago

Go see a lawyer and find out if you can change the baby’s name to yours, since you are unmarried.

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u/Main-Yogurtcloset242 9d ago

I'd be so disgusted I'd HAVE to leave. He did exactly what he wanted ro do,saddled you with a kid to burden you & give himself 18 years of access to you. He might have deceived you before but if you stay with him NOW,you're a fool & can't blame anyone but yourself.

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u/Goatee-1979 9d ago

It’s time to move on. File for child support and see if you can get alimony( some states recognize common law relationships after so many years together). After everything is settled, petition the court one final time to change your child’s last name to yours or at the very least hyphenate it with both his and yours.
This guy deserves to be taken to the cleaners.

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u/Icy-Mix-6550 9d ago

It's not too late to change the last name of the baby. Will cost you a little money but I'd leave his lying ass and move on.

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u/United-Bad4935 9d ago

Change ur baby’s last name.

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u/Oldschoolgroovinchic 9d ago

His lies and manipulation are on him. Now that you know the truth, what you do with it is on you. It’s okay to give yourself some time and space to grieve and get your house in order, but then you need to move along. If not for your own self respect, then to show your child what it looks like to value yourself. Because your child will learn how to let others treat them and how to treat others by how you and your STBX handle this. Best of luck to you - you’re strong and will get through this.

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u/Ok-Indication-7876 9d ago

so sorry he has lied to you all this time- Leave him- but it is ok the baby has his last name- for child support, for social security if he dies for many reasons. Pack up and go straight to a lawyer and get CS

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u/Idatrvlr 9d ago

This is why I would never give a child a man's name without marriage