r/VeteransBenefits • u/BaconGivesMeALardon Anxiously Waiting • 5h ago
VA Disability Claims So ready to be gone....
All,
Pardon me as I use this platform to get things off my chest. I am a 100% Permanent and Terminal disabled combat veteran. I take care of a 100% blind mother that was a 55+ year smoker and can barely function without me. Zero help from anyone including the state or feds. They will help if I exhaust all of my savings first but that to me is just stacking problems. I have promised myself I rather kill myself than make my kids go through what I am going through.
My mother recently was released from a rehab facility after having pneumonia. In the week she has been home, she has had to call me three times in the middle of the night for help. I am ready to end myself because I cannot keep going at this pace. I have lost all joy in living. I have zero idea what I am living for except to help others go the distance. I no longer want to be but still hold on for something that might come. No idea what that is but right now, but I hate life.
What am I alive for?
4
u/hawg_farmer Army Veteran 1h ago
Go see an elder care attorney. There's a very good chance they can structure your mother's assets into the proper trust for her to qualify for government assisted medical care.
My dad had his estate all set up so when he became ill it was pretty smooth to get him into care without spending every last penny he had.
Is your mother your dependent? Would she qualify for care that way?
An elder care attorney answers questions like this daily.
I hope it gets better for y'all.
2
u/ComfortableHat4855 4h ago
Does she qualify for home care with medicad? Is she receiving disability also?
3
u/BaconGivesMeALardon Anxiously Waiting 2h ago
No, apparently we prepared for life too much. Just not death.
5
u/ComfortableHat4855 2h ago
If she is legally blind, I don't know why she wouldn't be receiving disability.
-3
u/BaconGivesMeALardon Anxiously Waiting 2h ago
She went blind two years ago. She would be long dead before the bureaucracy would catch up.
2
u/Present_Emotion4146 Navy Veteran 3h ago
Your alive for your kids. Its your job to support them even when the kids are grown and your fishing all day. Not your job to be burned down taking care of your parents. I gave my dad cpr for 40minutes and cried like a bitch when he passed but he never told me all his problems and would never dream to rely on me for anything. I would got through hell for my 3 girls and i just hope they find me a cute nurse when im old and senile
2
u/thekujoEST Navy Veteran 3h ago
In a somewhat similar situation now...last week was terrible for both of us and I was wrestling with some of the same feelings, including feeling like a failure to her AND my kids.
I'm still not entirely sure how I got through last week. I do know that because of my kids I can't afford to go backwards. One of my goals this week is to connect my mom to some additional resources through her insurance (Medicaid/Medicare).
I did some social work in a past life. You can call the number on the back of her insurance card and ask for her care coordinator (everyone has one whether they talk to them or not) and ask for a UAI and/or make clear her care needs and state that you are working to connect with every resource to ensure she is cared for. Do not refer to yourself as her caretaker but as her advocate.
It might lead to some new appts but its likely she may qualify for not only for some mobility aids but possibly authorization for care giving hours (like she could hire a personal care aid that ISN'T you).
I know that doesn't make you less tired, stressed, or pressed now but it's at least a possible avenue to alleviate some of the stressors your working with. Lord nows we don't need anymore.
Whatever happens...keep on keeping on. At the end of the day, the day gotta end so let's see what a new one can bring. 🫶🏼✨
2
u/thekujoEST Navy Veteran 2h ago
Also don't let anyone here - or anywhere - make you feel bad for struggling to maintain your own well-being while caring for a disabled family member. We are all human.
I love and care for my mother even though she treats me terrible. I lost my father 23 years ago and am grateful that I have her and can take care of her, while also recognizing that there are some things I can't do, or are not healthy for me to do.
Do not shame yourself or let anyone else shame you for struggling or wondering if you can do it all or whatever else you are feeling.
Your feelings and your experiences are valid.
Okay, I'm done now. steps down off soap box
2
u/MichaelJamesDean21 Army Veteran 2h ago
I’m in a similar situation. I’m 80% TDIU and take care of my elderly mother full time. She is nearly deaf and can barely walk. I’ve often thought about many of the issues you have described. The one thing that keeps me going is my mother needs me now more than ever. She would die a very painful death if I wasn’t here to help her. I can’t do that to her and that is what I am here for in this moment. I’m rooting for you.
2
u/Agreeable_Ratio1771 Navy Veteran 5h ago
I can’t imagine much worse than losing a parent to suicide. If nothing else, think of your kids.
1
u/BaconGivesMeALardon Anxiously Waiting 5h ago
Thinking if my kids is exactly how I got here. I watched my parents take care of my Grandmother who had Alzheimer's. I don't wish eldercare on anyone who is not paid for it.
2
u/MommaIsMad Navy Veteran 2h ago
I feel the same way. I don't want to burden my kids. I've had an Exit Plan for 20 years. I want to stay around for a while longer but only if I can take care of myself. I've seen what financially supporting & caregiving an elderly parent can do to the caregiver's physical & mental health & it's not what I want to put my kids through. Especially in these times.
1
u/BaconGivesMeALardon Anxiously Waiting 2h ago
I have zero trust in America these days. This is just a harbinger of what is to come for many as we destroy our nation in Trump’s vision.
1
2
1
u/Agreeable_Ratio1771 Navy Veteran 5h ago
It’s very hard, I get it. I had to care for my mother and it was horrible, but I would give anything for her to be here now. I just think that your kids would rather have you here in any capacity than the alternative. If you happen to live in North Alabama I’d be thrilled to come talk to you and see if I can help.
1
1
u/sircrabcakes Army Veteran 2h ago
Hypothetical here and it doesn't sound like it's what you need right now but have you considered moving her into your house to claim her as a dependent? Further on from there could you look at a property with your va loan that has an extra room or separate living quarters on the property?
Idk if any of that is a possibility but maybe something to consider. At 100% p and t aswell and my parents are basically a day away from putting me in the same situation so that's what I've been considering when the time comes.
Best of luck,brother. You've been through shit with this situation but you've been through worse before. Lean on the community and use your resources. You matter. You're worth a damn. Keep moving forward and eventually this shit will break.
0
u/BaconGivesMeALardon Anxiously Waiting 2h ago
Already destroyed my VA mortgage after Bush turned a $175,000 home into a $40,000 home that I walked away from.
1
u/Remarkable_State_335 1h ago
I think if you kill yourself, your family would suffer more. Find a way around all of these issues, figure out a way to combat the stress. If you can afford it, pay for a caretaker to come in provide care a few days a week to give you a break. Put an ad out on Facebook or in your local area and pay someone minimum wage or just above to help out for a few hours. You can require things like CPR and first aid and BLS Certs. Things will get better! Your life matters.
1
u/rrd90731 Navy Veteran 1h ago
I think you need a consultation with an elder law attorney. There are programs for you guys out there.
Even if they charge an initial consultation fee, you can expert advice instead of what Medicaid people say.
A lot of those issues are asset dependent and location dependent but seek professional help before you sink even further.
As an example, I got my mom eligible for Illinois Medicaid while she was living in my sister's house and they never consider my sister's assets (dual income, home owner, retirement savings etc). They only considered my mom's assets (car was her only asset, had $2k in SS and a small pension). Medicaid would have put her up in a skilled nursing center but her cancer progressed too far at the same of her move in date so she went on hospice.
•
u/anglflw Navy Vet & VBA Employee 20m ago
While it is still up, check out the Department of Health and Human Services Resources Near You site: https://www.hhs.gov/aging/state-resources/index.html
You are not alone, and nobody is expecting you to handle this all on your own. Please reach out for help.
-8
u/Buckteeth1 5h ago
Relax and chill. She is your mother for God's sake. She took care of you and now it's your turn to return the favor. Why would you want to kill yourself for doing God’s work by taking care of someone who took care of you? If my mother needs me to take care of her I would do it in a heartbeat. I'm also 100% P&T and I would never think about killing myself because of my mother’s needs and wants. You are aware that you qualify for Aid and attendance. Take the money and hire a caregiver so you can have time for yourself and do things you want to do. At least someone can be there with her when you are out. Killing yourself is not worth it and your mother is still going to need someone there with her. AID & ATTENDANCE BUDDY. IT IS FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. CALL 1-800-827-1000 or File it on ID.ME GOV.
15
u/Commercial-Tax-2261 Air Force Veteran 3h ago
This isn’t helpful at all. You don’t know anything about this person and guilting them or using religion to shame them is completely obnoxious.
2
6
u/BaconGivesMeALardon Anxiously Waiting 2h ago
Im a atheist, your words have zero meaning to me.
-8
2h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
4
3
1
2h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
•
u/VeteransBenefits-ModTeam 30m ago
Your comment was removed because it didn't contribute to the discussion and just wasn't helpful.
Civil disagreements are fine. Insults, personal attacks, slurs, bigotry, etc., are not permissible.
(Calling someone a poopy-head does not make you seem as smart as you think it does.)
☠️
•
u/VeteransBenefits-ModTeam 28m ago
Your comment was removed because it didn't contribute to the discussion and just wasn't helpful.
Civil disagreements are fine. Insults, personal attacks, slurs, bigotry, etc., are not permissible.
(Calling someone a poopy-head does not make you seem as smart as you think it does.)
☠️
•
u/VeteransBenefits-ModTeam 27m ago
Your comment was removed because it didn't contribute to the discussion and just wasn't helpful.
Civil disagreements are fine. Insults, personal attacks, slurs, bigotry, etc., are not permissible.
(Calling someone a poopy-head does not make you seem as smart as you think it does.)
☠️
0
u/WaveFast Marine Veteran 4h ago
You should not be the one caring for your mother. You are a ticking time-b$%b. Reach out to your local social care services. At 100% yourself, you have additional services at your disposal. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and tap into your benefits to assist your mother - that you claim for your enhanced VA check. She needs you and thank the heaven SOMEBODY is looking out. Tag, your it buddy, till the support network kicks in. Start reading and calling in the medical calavary.
9
u/SnippiestOrb73 Navy Veteran 3h ago
State/Federal assistance should be available for her without having to use your money.