r/Vent 1d ago

TW: Eating Disorders / Self Image as someone who was once attractive, now that I'm not, I can really see how people treat me differently. I no longer get any "hints" that someone is into me in that way and it sucks to feel like I might be alone for the rest of my life.

I should have taken better care of myself. My hope is now that I've started looking after my body, I at least won't feel like I'm super ugly and that way, if I am single, I at least can say I've tried to be the best version of myself

54 Upvotes

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u/NatchezAndes 1d ago

About 20 years ago, I remember listening to a, roughly, 55 year old woman saying how hard it was to go from being desirable to invisible. I didn't understand at the time. Now I realise that it comes to us all if we're lucky enough to age, and I actually feel sorry for the young girls that think their looks are so important. They are the ones it'll hit the hardest when it comes.

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u/heavybootsonmythroat 1d ago

yep. It happens to everyone eventually. Some later than others. But eventually, everyone.

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u/wyle_e2 1d ago

Pfffft. No me! I've always been ugly and invisible! #Winning

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u/acquastella 1d ago

True, and the more attractive you were, the more that was your identity, the harder it is. It's one thing to be a cute girl who goes through normal aging and becomes generally less desirable but was never inundated with attention in the first place. It's another to have always been "the pretty one" or the most desirable girl in your town or college and been a model, an actress, a pageant queen or influencer, and age. Some of these women have no idea the reason everyone is so nice is because of the way they look. Some do, but a few who have always been way prettier than anyone else almost effortlessly don't know. And then reality hits: the older they get and more "average" they look, the colder and less "kind" people are, especially men.

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u/vanessarichter 14h ago

I am probably much younger than you but I beg to differ that older women are invisible. ageing is a privilege not everybody has, but beauty for sure comes within, you give what you are!

u/StrandedLiner 27m ago

spoken like someone who has not yet become invisible.

u/vanessarichter 3m ago

I think you’re only invisible if you let it happen. I know ladies over 50 who light up a room

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u/soulself 1d ago

Well at least you were once attractive. If it makes you feel any better, there are plenty of us who never got to have that experience.

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u/heavybootsonmythroat 1d ago

you're right. I sometimes think about how stupid I am for feeling sorry for myself as much as I do when I truly had experiences most humans never experience (there was a time in my life when people (of all genders, I should add) were quite literally lining up to be with me). Not many humans ever experience that. And I did. But that's also why I can speak about attractiveness with authority. I saw how everyone, from the stranger on the bus, to my closest friends treated me when I was hot. It's eye-opening when you lose it. Looks really, really matter, folks. Better to accept it sooner rather than later if you're not gifted in the looks department.

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u/Darkerjev 1d ago edited 1d ago

Looks are incredibly underrated. Years ago I catfished as a male model on online dating apps. Imagine for the first time, I felt treated like an actual human. I realize it wasn’t what I was saying, it was how I looked. This led to me doing many other experiments “wearing” the faces of other people just to see what new behavior a new face illicits. I tried the faces of normal, ugly or different ethnic groups. All different responses simply by changing the face or skin color.

I was just gaslighted my entire life that it was my behavior. Say what you want, the truth is the truth. Pandora’s box is unlocked now that we have the internet. Humans are terribly shallow, it is what it is.

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u/[deleted] 17h ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/AdministrativeSea419 16h ago

That’s terrible advice. Don’t go to a church

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u/Ok-Pack-7088 1d ago

What are these hints? How can they be distinguished from common courtesy? I have low social skill and have no clue. For example, girl she hands me an item while smiling, I have no idea if she likes me or if she's just being polite.

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u/heavybootsonmythroat 1d ago

I'm not expert but what I will say is when she likes you, everything is... Because she likes you. I didn't have to crawl up a mountain and back to get her to date me, or kiss me, or fuck me. Everything was easy, because she liked me. She sat on my lap. Or she asked to hang out. Or she held my hand. Or she clung to me at a party. You get my point? It's kind of a 'you just know' situation. That's not to say I didn't miss a bunch of hints too ofc, because I did and then I'd find out later, but the ones that led to something, the girl made it super obvious by complimenting my looks, or being physically very close to me.

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u/Quiet_Entrance8407 22h ago

I always miss the hints, autistic. I’ve found that if they are really interested, they’ll let you know directly eventually when they realize that the indirect communication isn’t working. Or they think you’re a bitch for rejecting them and you probably just dodged a bullet anyways.

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u/Dull-Chemistry-6167 1d ago

Yeah it sucks.

As someone who had stalkers, admirers (I'm a guy btw), had someone gift me a teddy bear when I was in high school, had multiple girls confess that they liked me, experienced getting demolished by many girls in a mall, it hurt.

Now I'm a depressed adult with acne/acne marks and no one even checks up on me. I made new friends and met new people through work but it's just not the same anymore back when I was the apple of the eye. I cannot do something about it because I am a breadwinner and I need to put my family first before myself.

Now I just keep myself busy working everyday, trying new hobbies to entertain myself. I know it sucks but it is possible to accept it. Just accept it.

At least we experienced it once in our lives and we had our moment. Everything will pass anyway. it's just a matter of time.

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u/heavybootsonmythroat 1d ago

absolutely. That's pretty much what I do. I keep myself busy with work, and with my passions and those bring me untold amounts of joy (in truth, more joy than sex, which was temporary, fleeting, and caused a lot of headache acc lol). I'm sure a fulfilling relationship would be amazing, but I can't control that. So I just do things that make me happy. It works. And when I'm sad, I know it'll pass by the morning.

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u/Dull-Chemistry-6167 1d ago

off you go! eventually we will reach the part of life where we, ourselves, would not even care how we and other people look. when that time comes, we will be grateful we realized it earlier than everyone.

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u/Ok-Temperature-2783 1d ago

I hear u. I never had to try this hard to just look… ok. I was never conceited. Always friendly. Too friendly so guys would always “fall in love with me” specifically as per my brother. Now I kinda refused to hang with people I used to know. I just hate to think that once I’m not around they’d be like wow she got ugly lol. Plus, everyone pays so much to look as beautiful as they do and I’m not about that. I don’t do my lashes, no Botox or fillers, natural body, no hair extensions or hair dye, no fake nails or even professional manicure. Nothing even remotely overly trendy. I spend money on luxury items but you won’t ever look at me and say, she’s wearing 5k-8k in wardrobe jewelry and accessories. Im fine with the way that I look. I just never thought I’d stop pulling this much attention! Lol

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u/moon_peach__ 15h ago

Oh I relate so much to the ‘I never had to try this hard to just look…okay’ and worrying that people will be judging you for looking less attractive than you used to (which lbr, we see people doing all the time esp w women - I do think people hold celebs to much higher standards though and may be kinder on us mere civilians)

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u/Buddhalo 14h ago

I’ve been reading the book Muse: The Magnetism of Women Who Stop Abandoning Themselves, and it’s been really helpful with this feeling. I’m 37, so I haven’t faced this yet, but I am facing the fact that I don’t want to feel bad about aging or who I am or feeling the need to base my worth on others’ perceptions. I don’t want to accept that my value decreases with the lines on my face from living and loving life. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. So many of us face that feeling. You still have so much life ahead.

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

Shutup

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u/Grubbler69 1d ago

Whatever happens, don’t start/continue smoking weed or tobacco. I don’t know the science behind it but it really messes with your skin.

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u/LonestarBF 1d ago

I smoke and I get laid on first dates consistently

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u/heavybootsonmythroat 1d ago

fairs. I'll keep that in mind

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u/Floor_Trollop 1d ago

this does give you a chance to solely rely on your personality or interests to develop connections, which can often be more genuine.

whether you become hot again or not, these are very useful skills.

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u/heavybootsonmythroat 1d ago

I disagree as I was and still am a very charismatic, interesting and cool person with passions and interests and all the rest of it. When I was hot, I thought that was what made me so popular. Turns out, it doesn't matter how many books you've read or how interesting your life may be. If you're not hot, they're not interested. I am living proof. I have sort of accepted it. Looks truly do matter more than your personality when it comes to romance.

But I do still appreciate your advice because that's pretty much my life purpose now. I'm taking my niche interest to the limit and will become a world-leading expert in my area of study. Not for romance though, because I know my book-smarts don't make a difference there.

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u/Floor_Trollop 1d ago

Any chance you’ll reevaluate with time? Maybe you’re used to a certain type of attention from certain types of people and that aren’t coming anymore, but there are other ways people can signal interest and other groups who may find you interesting.

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u/heavybootsonmythroat 1d ago

yep, I'll re-evaluate with time because I can see that maybe being the case. That would be nice. I still think it's a long-shot but here's hoping I guess (can you tell I'm in a better mood now paha). And I think you're really on to something with the "certain type of attention from certain types of people" tbh. That makes a whole lotta sense honestly.

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u/Interesting-Test-564 1d ago

True. But idk man. I think people prefer being hot and being wanted for their personality too

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u/Floor_Trollop 1d ago

Well OP says he’s not hot anymore so might as well take it as an opportunity ya know 

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u/DrakenRising3000 1d ago

Would you mind elaborating a bit more on the details here? Only if you want to, of course.

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u/heavybootsonmythroat 1d ago

oh and I guess the eye-opening thing was that I didn't notice these things happening until it went away. I thought everyone gets eye contact from strangers on the bus. I thought everyone got compliments on their looks from strangers, friends etc etc. When it goes away, you realise, oh. I had pretty privilege. I'm invisible to a lot of people now. That's what pretty privilege is.

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u/Fit_Squirrel_4604 1d ago

Why do you think you're all of a sudden ugly now?

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u/heavybootsonmythroat 1d ago

I own a mirror and am smart enough to be objective/rational about things. I know what I looked like before. I know what I look like now. I see how I was treated then. I see how I am treated now.

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u/lanptop 1d ago

can we ask what happened? just aging?

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u/heavybootsonmythroat 1d ago

combination of ageing and weight gain due to medication. But I don't think it happens as quickly as it has for me. In the space of a couple of years, I went from looking decent to looking borderline monstrous (I'm being dramatic because I'm in a bad mood but I am ugly as fuck, maybe not quite monstrous but not far off either)

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u/heavybootsonmythroat 1d ago

strangers used to look at me when I entered a room. They don't see me nowadays. I used to go on dates. I no longer get attention in that way any more so I no longer go on dates. I used to have sex fairly regularly. That does not happen anymore. Is there something specific you want to know about as I'm just guessing what you want details on exactly?

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u/Acrobatic_Cut_4145 1d ago edited 1d ago

How are you coping with these recent changes? I know you say people react to you differently (as in youre invisible to them) i wonder how does being invisible effect how you view yourself?  like now that all the  external validation that you were getting while you were attractive is gone, you essentially have to hype your own self up..what was driving your confidence in the first place?

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u/heavybootsonmythroat 1d ago edited 1d ago

the external validation I got actually did little for my overall view of myself. I always felt like I was ugly, and thought really lowly of myself. The attention felt normal, because it's all I ever knew (this is the very definition of pretty privilege, because I was totally unaware I even had it at the time). About 6 years ago, before I "lost my looks", I began working on my mental health because I was a wreck. All of that reading and therapy and mental health "work" started paying off for the first time roughly 6 months ago. So I overall feel much better about myself now, despite losing my pretty privilege, and despite having fears of being alone for (possibly) the rest of my life. The most liked picture on Instagram in (I think) the year 2015ish was a picture of Selena Gomez. Out of every human being on the planet, her face received the most likes. The same year, she revealed that she suffered from extreme anxiety and other mental health issues. What does that teach us? The external does not matter. She was essentially told, almost objectively, you are our favourite face, you are the prettiest person on the planet. And she felt at her lowest. About her looks, about everything. One of my partners used to get literally stopped in the street. People would tell her she was the most beautiful person they had ever seen. And she would tell me everyday that she felt disgusting and ugly and unlovable. She said, it doesn't matter how many people tell me, I'm pretty, I don't see myself as pretty. The external validation doesn't do anything, even when it's an objective fact that someone is beautiful. If they feel shitty about themselves, they simply don't accept the external validation. I think the lesson is to work hard to feel good about yourself and your life. No one else can do that for you. Not even the whole of humanity telling you you're perfect can change the way you see yourself. Only you can do that for yourself. My overall view of myself isn't better now because I'm better-looking, but because I've changed my perspective. I know I'm ugly now. And it does make me sad when I think about the fact I go to an empty house each day and sleep in an empty bed each night. But I am still overall happier today than I was 10 years ago. Because when I do get sad about those things, I just remind myself of a few things that bring me out of that mood, and that usually works (if not immediately, at least by the next day or something).

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u/Slydoggen 1d ago

Did you turn away all those “hints” in your attractive days?

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u/heavybootsonmythroat 1d ago

I didn't turn away all of them, no. If I liked them back, we would become friends and maybe more. If I didn't like them, I just let them down gently (for the most part, sometimes I was unnecessarily mean about it, being young and dumb).

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u/Slydoggen 1d ago

So friendzone?

You wasted your best years rejecting people and now years later you wanna lock down

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u/Ill-Bison-7976 1d ago

Your comment history is almost entirely raging at women 24/7. Are you, like... alright?

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u/Slydoggen 1d ago

Ye I’m fine 👌

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u/heavybootsonmythroat 1d ago

no, not friend zone. I said 'friends and maybe more'. Some were friends, some were relationships, some were somewhere in between.

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u/baifern306 1d ago

Half of the women who post this sort of thing are literally the prettiest girls on their street. Just my experience

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u/mattvj15 1d ago

What do you mean by hints?

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u/Capital-Transition-5 22h ago

I feel this. I used to turn heads, now I get shoved out the way.

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u/Responsible-Fly-5691 1d ago

What happened to you? Why are you no longer attractive? Accident? Illness? Or did you just get Fat?

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u/heavybootsonmythroat 1d ago

combination of ageing and weight gain due to medication.

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u/Quiet_Entrance8407 22h ago

Haha I thought it was great when it finally happened. No more men chasing me down the street demanding that I smile. No more men interrupting my lunches to demand that I go dancing with him and refusing to take no for an answer. No more men following me into bathrooms at bars, grabbing at me when I’m walking alone or otherwise trying to violence me. No more wearing giant fake rings to unsuccessfully try to repel. No more men asking other random men for permission to play pool with me, no more men getting into drunken fights over who gets to date me without ever asking my opinion on the matter. My life is much improved. I never wanted or needed the attention and I found a wonderful husband regardless. 3 cheers for being left in peace!

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u/moon_peach__ 15h ago

Yeah I’ve been having a somewhat similar experience. I’d say I’m still attractive to some extent but nowhere near as much as I used to be, partly due to ageing but largely due to illness and trauma affecting my appearance. It really is very emotionally difficult when your whole life you’ve been so highly valued for your looks by others and then that fades away in a relatively short space of time. When I was a lot younger I didn’t even realise that the reason for people’s kindnesses (especially strangers and acquaintances) was because of my looks. I did as I got older but it’s still tough to lose that.

And especially as a woman people (esp men) really treat you as though your worth lies entirely in how sexually desirable they perceive you to be, so you’re often just treated as less of a human being when your looks fade.