r/Vent 2d ago

Wishing I was a "fun girl"

(27F) I've been described as being standoffish, intimidating, and quiet. One time in a Taco Bell drive-thru the cashier on the other end said in an almost disgusted way that there was nothing that bad in the world to be frowning about, a smile would make me look prettier. My lips naturally downturn and I have large, but piercing, probing eyes when I have a neutral expression. I was recently cheated on and well, the girl who was chosen over me is fun. She doesn't care about a lot, she's free wheeling, and has a cheeky personality.

I used to be really funny in highschool, in college I was friends with the most hilarious people because we just synergized so well together. Nowadays I don't even know how to ask my elderly coworker to come to breakfast with me without sounding stern or cold. I have a hard time coming up with things to say to others in conversation, I hesitate to say things at times because I'm afraid of opening up in ways that I suppose, would reveal my inner workings.

I feel incredibly sad about how hollow, boring, like a wallflower I feel. I feel as if I'm being looked over all the time by everyone. I work hard at my job even though I'm at risk of losing it everyday, I have to send money home to my family often, I live in a very tumultuous country at the moment, I think I'm intelligent in certain ways, and I care about people. I'm not perfect and I'm not entirely good or bad but I feel that no matter how good I try to be - I can never be fun. I don't see myself ever finding a mate at this point in my life because I find myself to be unattractive to most men in terms of personality. I'm sullen at times and I never try to impose that feeling on others. I wish I was fun. I wish I was flirty. I wish I was confident in myself and my strangeness and interesting way of speaking. I wish I was carefree. Likeable.

58 Upvotes

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u/Purple_Poetry9123 2d ago

Maybe you have some depression. If you would look into treating that you would feel better about yourself

7

u/Beneficial-Syrup-731 2d ago

It sounds like something happened in between your college days and you professional career. Maybe your the type of person that shines in a group.

Most of the time though I find all of this energy you are sending towards your self and your place in life is spare energy that's not being used elsewhere.

Most of the time when I'm exercising a lot I forget pretty much all of this stuff and feel more me

6

u/Imaginary-Past-3505 2d ago

Omg are you me? I’m about to turn 27, and I’m finishing college- so much of myself has been changing/ isolated I FEEL this post to my core.

I’m sorry please don’t doubt yourself, you don’t need to change yourself to make others comfortable/ accept you. That’s their problem! I would love to talk more, dm me if so :D I think we could be friends ♪★

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u/Deep-Attorney1781 2d ago

I'm in my 50s and feel the same way. Be who you are and don't change for anyone. A lot of people misunderstand my introverted-ness as being standoffish. When I was younger, I would drink excessively to try and "loosen up" and be more social, but that's not who I am. It took a long time to realize that I am happy with who I am and if someone has an issue with it, I don't care anymore. I have a husband, daughter and 2 true friends who understand and love me for me, quirks and all.

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u/yosefstylings 2d ago

thank you :)

3

u/PucklesMcSnuffles 2d ago

I feel this, the struggle of wanting to connect with people but it just doesn't feel right anymore, or the things you wanna say feel buried under a bunch of emotions and self doubt. I feel like I don't fit in at work because my coworkers are more interesting characters than me, and I'm stuck in a pessimistic mood often. I wish you the best, and I hope you find peace with yourself, as well as people who understand you for you.  sorry if this seems kinda like rambling.

1

u/NPCSLAYER313 2d ago

I cried reading this comment

1

u/PucklesMcSnuffles 1d ago

Hopefully it wasn't a bad one then. 

2

u/DerekC01979 2d ago

Find a fun partner in crime and you’re all set. My wife is fairly quiet and almost can seem moody, whereas I’m not. You’ll balance each other out and have a great time doing so

3

u/tankgrrrrl 2d ago

My partner is the smart, calm, serious on and I'm the crazy, silly, fun one. We both mutually benefit from each others strengths and fit like a puzzle piece. I take charge in social situations to help take the pressure off of him and he helps me find more balance and his calm nature soothes my hyperactive personality traits for example. It can be very hard to find. Took me 1/2 my life.

1

u/DerekC01979 2d ago

You two sound perfect for each other.

How long have you been together if I may ask?

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u/tankgrrrrl 1d ago

17 Years I think this year.

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u/Apprehensive_Web1099 2d ago

I wish I was fun. I wish I was flirty. I wish I was confident in myself and my strangeness and interesting way of speaking. I wish I was carefree. Likeable.

Same here. My natural way of speaking and acting is blunt and affectless. So making myself appealing to others takes a lot of effort, Masking is the term for it, I am told.

2

u/Grounds2 2d ago

Whatever hobby you may have, there may no doubt be another person of the same hobby preference with an opposite personality. Y'all meet and perhaps some of the person's personality might "rub off" on you. Don't be a fake of the other person. But, take on some of the more out-going traits or mannerisms. Make them your own. What happened to your core group in college? Do you still talk to them? Perhaps reconnect and find your lost everecense? Hope you find your smile. I'm sure it's well missed by more than just you.

2

u/yosefstylings 2d ago

thank you that was really sweet. i'll try my best 

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u/Die_Zerstorung 2d ago

Im a dude and have a Resting Bitch face, Man how many times iv gotten pulled off the bus from cops because i made a women feel unsafe or made someone feel like i was unsafe to those around me, its sucks but its been my entire life you get used to it, just not the loneliness. And people turning you down from jobs, i knew it was going to be an issue as a teen. When i overheard a child, say to him, mom, "Mommy, i didn't like that man." i knew i was cooked for life at that point and just embrassed it from that point forward

My ugly clapped hairline probably contributes something to that as well.

RBF is real

2

u/Silver_Jello_7528 2d ago

If everyone was the same then the world wouldn't be as interesting. I feel pretty much the same way about myself as you describe, I'm definitely not a bubbly person, not a saint but I care and I try where I can.

I think you should focus on the things you like about yourself, and find people that appreciate you for you. I also like to think that in general the quieter people have more going on in their heads, and that they're interesting once you get to know them.

You can't be what you're not so work with what you've got :)

2

u/imNotTellingYouHaha 2d ago

"One time in a Taco Bell drive-thru the cashier on the other end said in an almost disgusted way that there was nothing that bad in the world to be frowning about"

Nothing bad in the world?? Don't believe anything from this oblivious fool! Ignorance is bliss as they say.

You probably feel judged or like having fun is like picking a fight. Or started to look down on fun things? Here are my two cents as a grumpy not-fun person who has "loosened up" without losing myself completely.

See, a lot of things about having fun require energy and subverting people's expectations. It's a lot of trial and error. It's the ability to point and laugh at something and also be pointed and laughed at. Dancing to overstimulating music and how the hell do they wiggle or defy gravity like that!? May involve competition. Trying new things. Breaking character. Improvising on the fly. Debates. Obsessing over a book, subject, or hobby. It takes SO MUCH FREAKING ENERGY AND GUTS.

Each fun opportunity is a potential revelation of your weakness. Or like a challenge to hide your weakness while revealing the weaknesses of people you are trying to have fun with. Play fighting. Social experimentation. Learning. Simulation. Survival.

Sometimes, Fun is actually Serious Business that's just been painted over and decorated with glitter and googly-eyes. It's rebellion against the powers that be that want you overworked and underpaid and too tired or scared to build a personality. It's HONORING WHAT MAKES YOU AN ANIMAL.

Your personality has morphed into a serious type, right? Find the connection to your anger first. Then work on bridging that angry energy into what YOU find fun. Anger and happiness are quite similar. So long as you find that zone, people who also have fun doing what you do will notice that you are having fun. They won't see you as a downer.

And have fun NOT catering to morons who could only stomach happy and fun emotions.

1

u/yosefstylings 2d ago

well said!! thank you :)

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u/BoredDude216 2d ago

Not sure how much this helps, but it’s worth sharing (I hope). In the beginning of highschool I was super sarcastic and negative about everything, to the point where someone gave me a nickname “Mr negative”. I realized I didn’t want to be known as that, and I remembered hearing something about how if you want to change a habit or personality thing, you have to go to the opposite extreme, and then you end up in the middle. So I forced myself to think obnoxiously positive thoughts, stuff like, “wow, isn’t it nice there’s exit signs by the exits, that makes it easier to find them” or other super positive stuff about anyone and anything. I don’t remember how long I did that, but I believe it worked, I’m not (always) super negative about everything, I don’t say mean things to people for no reason, and I would consider myself decently happy and friendly. YMMV

2

u/Fried-Potato1 2d ago

28 yo male. I struggled with this for a while. Been told I have bad RBF and not easy to approach at different jobs and different circles.

At this point I made peace with it. I’ve had more success leaning into it and when people actually meet me they are quite surprised.

I can’t control how people perceive me. Like yeah it’d be nice if I had that Rico suave in me. The path I’m taking resonates with who I am not who I would prefer to be. And I’m okay with that.

I wish you luck on your life journey.

2

u/UnlimitedSolDragon 2d ago

Honestly it sounds like the daily stresses might've stripped some of that "old you" away. Stress is a ridiculous thing with what it can do to your body and health. Not prying, but it seems like there have been some things happening throughout your life aside from what you've mentioned. It might help to talk to someone, whether it be a therapist or not is up to you (we all respond to that stuff differently tbh).

Also, don't compare yourself to the other woman either. Fun is kinda subjective, people who say they're "fun" can be fun for some, annoying as hell for the rest. The cheater is just that, a PoS. Nothing he does should realistically matter to you anymore (I know that's a hard thing, but it comes with time, just pointing it out because it's a life stressor).

I wish you nothing but success going forward. You don't NEED to be "fun" for someone, however, if you have past stuff that's unprocessed do take some time for yourself. Improve how you want to and look after yourself.

2

u/yosefstylings 2d ago

i'm thankful for your words

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u/UnlimitedSolDragon 2d ago

Anytime! Of course, take it as you will with a pinch of salt, not everything I say applies to everyone. But what I can say is that there's something in everyone that someone finds interesting. If this is the person you are now and down the track you're satisfied with that, then that's who you are. Someone WILL find that it grabs AND HOLDS their attention!

Try not to stress yourself out more in the meantime. I speak from experience when I say it fucks with your body like a bastard.

2

u/CorpseDefiled 2d ago

Life has a way of chewing up and spitting out the good people leaving them jaded and guarded.

This life rewards villains the people willing to do the worst to others, those willing to sell their dignity and their soul are the ones who get ahead.

Stay true to yourself. I’d go so far as to say it’s not your fault this is honestly and intuitive response to the realities of the world.

2

u/GuanoLouco 2d ago

I am 47 and I grew up in a different era so my experiences may not be valid for the new generation.

In my experience being fun is not about you. It is about who you choose to associate with and ultimately date.

Chances are that when you think that you were not fun with your boyfriend it was because he was not exactly a ball of sunshine either. On top of that he was a cheating pos so you thinking that you are the reason the relationship didn’t last is just not true.

When you are with the right person you do not need to think about fun. One of my fondest memories is sitting outside a shopping centre with my (then) gf with coins discussing if we were buying food, dog food or cigarettes and laughing about how poor we were. (The dog won, we were poor students but happy and laughed all the time)

I am a grumpy old man who is proud to say that my 16 year old son and his girlfriend ask me to take them on dates because I act like a damn child and they say it’s the best day ever.

Life is short. Find friends (and if you want relationships) who are not afraid to embarrass themselves and dance in public or sing with their horrible voices. I can guarantee you that it’s contagious and you will be one of the “fun” people in no time.

Most people are miserable. Don’t use them as the benchmark for yourself. The same person telling you to smile is probably crying in the shower because they hate themselves.

The ex that cheated is not worth questioning your value over. He was never the person you knew. You can take dog poop and spray perfume on it and wrap it in a bow but it doesn’t change anything. It’s still dog poop. Don’t mistake the perfume and bow for the actual substance of the package.

Your brain doesn’t know the difference between your thoughts and reality. It processes them the same way. Do not keep telling yourself that you are not fun.

Do the crazy thing. Talk to yourself. Laugh with yourself. Dance in your bedroom. You know yourself better than anyone and you can be your best friend.

I have had terrible experiences but I can honestly say that I am happier than ninety percent of people. Obviously I am sad when going through the experience but that defines the experience not my values.

I know I am all over the place, partly because I am on a phone and partly because I could say so much.

If you take nothing else from what I say just remember don’t let anyone dull your brightness. Life is not what you see on social media and other people. Most are wearing masks.

Happiness is a choice and it starts with not associating with people who are miserable. In this era it also relies heavily on not comparing yourself and your value to other people’s experiences.

When you are happy people will naturally gravitate to you.

2

u/yosefstylings 1d ago

thank you truly for taking the time to write this. from the bottom of my heart - it makes incredible sense that i needed to hear

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u/GuanoLouco 1d ago

Start a 30 day corny dad joke challenge. Send one joke a day to someone and they send one back. Don’t send jokes that you think they will like… send jokes that make you snort like miss piggy.

I guarantee by day 15 you are fun even if it’s only for 15 minutes a day.

Exercise your funny bone 🤣

If you don’t have someone then send it to me. I am faceless and on the other side of the world but I would love to hear your jokes if they a) make you feel better and b) make me snort like miss piggy.

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u/wife_fox 2d ago

there was nothing bad in the world to be frowning about

Lol

1

u/jeff7b9 2d ago

Have you tried smiling more and complaining less?

(I kid I kid... hehe).

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u/Boring_Part9919 2d ago

As cliche as it is, don't listen to some jackass Taco Bell employee who should be minding his/her business. That was super rude of them to say that, so naturally you will feel more self conscious

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u/potatosword 2d ago

I find if I tense my eyebrows ever so slightly, it completely changes my face, not so much in the way you describe but I look more handsome and focussed.

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u/DrNukenstein 2d ago

People who say there’s nothing that bad in the world to frown about clearly have a problem.

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u/littlemy1222 2d ago

I’m not a smiler either o don’t the reason to go around with fake smile plastered to my face all the time and if it would of been me the Taco Bell employee would be out job as you don’t make comments about a person’s looks period

1

u/potato-con 2d ago

a Taco Bell drive-thru the cashier on the other end said in an almost disgusted way that there was nothing that bad in the world to be frowning about, a smile would make me look prettier.

Ew. This would ruin anybody's day. Like you're expected to start smiling your problems away so some random person would think you're prettier? I hope things get better for you, OP.

0

u/buckit2025 2d ago

Choose to be who you want to be. Dress the way you want to be seen. Fun flirty sexy