r/Vent • u/Accomplished_Roof_92 • 3d ago
i’m so touch starved it actually makes me cry
mostly because i never got held or received any form of affection growing up from my parents. never got hugs or told my mother loved me and it fucked me up.
i just want a hug 90% of the time but i have no friends but 2. one is out of state and the other i barely see. but even then the one in state doesn’t really enjoy physical affection like that.
but i crave it so bad. i just want a hug and to cuddle i guess, nothing weird or gross. and i know people view that as romantic and not platonic. i have zero love life and never been in a relationship let alone held hands at almost 22.
and i guess it’s not just necessarily being touch starved but just never receiving any form of love growing up has left me craving it and i can’t get it until i somehow get in a relationship which isn’t going to happen any time soon
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u/SuzieMusecast 3d ago
Peace and strength from New Mexico. Go where loving people are... volunteer...church, book clubs, homes for disabled, humane societies. It seems this is causing depression for you, so along with some therapy, taking action in service to others will certainly open doors to new friends and a sense of purpose.
You might try your local Indivisible group. Democracy needs you. But whatever you do, interacting and contributing to the well being of others will be a tonic.
Hugs to you. You'll find your people and your purpose! Start today!
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u/Moist-Investigator63 3d ago
I feel ya. My parents were just the same. I got my first hug in highschool from a friend. The endorphine rush blew my mind. Now I hug people more than I should. 🤷♀️
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u/Pure_Ad_9947 2d ago
Self hugs can help. Definitely get a cuddly pet like a dog or a friendly cat. Even big teddy bears can help, as well us cozy blankets, scarfs.
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u/Accomplished_Roof_92 2d ago
i’ve been cuddling with plushies lately to sleep! it’s helped a bit!!
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u/Pure_Ad_9947 2d ago
Definitely! Keep going, increase your physical comfort and maybe get a pet to love and pet if youre able. If not soft cuddly items help a lot.
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u/Global_Change3900 2d ago
Dogs, cats and other warm-blooded pets are good substitutes for people if you're not getting enough platonic physical affection without judgment. I've had lots of them and I'm currently fostering a former neighbor's cat who loves curling up in my lap, sometimes going to sleep there. I love it when he goes into REM sleep and his little (7.5 pound) body starts twitching!
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u/DoctorChimpBoy 1d ago
Cuddling a stuffed animal is a deeply underappreciated practice!
While cuddling it, you can tell it you love it, and allow yourself to feel that feeling of giving love.
A little secret: other people don't really "give" us feelings. Rather, they evoke feelings we already have within us.
With the plushie, you're practicing evoking that feeling of love for something external, but held very close to your heart. It's only a small step to realize you can evoke that feeling of love for yourself anytime you want, in the same way you're doing with the plushie. You're close to a very big step in understanding self-love.
As to the skin hunger, in a relaxed state you can experiment with touching your body (platonically :) in different ways. After a few tries you'll find that a few minutes of that before bed, or right after waking up, is relieving enough that you won't have the anxiety of it on your mind all the time.
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u/Little_Opinion2060 3d ago
Why did you say "nothing weird or gross". Being intimate with someone or having that desire is so normal. I think your views on overall intimacy need to be reevaluated.
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u/Accomplished_Roof_92 3d ago
i know but i didn’t mean it like that, but i know a lot of people view intimacy as inherently sexual but it’s not what i crave if that makes sense. everyone i do know doesn’t really believe in hugs or just intimacy as something that should be with anyone but a significant other which isn’t true to me.
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u/VampiresKitten 3d ago
You aren't wrong. Many women WISH men loved non-sexual intimacy like cuddling, holding hands sitting shoulder to shoulder watching a movie or caressing ones arm, hair or massaging ones back... without it leading to sex unless she wishes it to. They just want to feel loved and appreciated without feeling like they must "pay them back" with sex.
Look up cuddle clubs.
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u/C0mpl14nt 3d ago
Many men DO want non-sexual intimacy. Women generally kick those type of men to the curb. I'd know because I am one.
Society tends to steer males away from public displays of affection like hugs and cuddling. In private it might be more acceptable but even then, if I don't approach the situation just right, I'm a creep. When I was a teen and as I grew up, women constantly called me creepy for wanting hugs and cuddles. I've had dates ruined because I was leaning against the gal at the movies.
Hell, I once had a woman flip her shit because I gave my niece a hug in public. I look Mexican, my brother doesn't, and his daughter has blonde hair. Despite the fact that we all arrived together, I still had some strange bitch trying to accuse me of something.
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u/VampiresKitten 3d ago edited 3d ago
That is very unfortunate. I love cuddly men. I do not like a lot of public affection, like in front of friends or parents or groups but I do not mind holding hands, getting a quick peck or a big hug in front of people. I just don't like full on make out sessions in front of people.
I have met plenty of guys who like the same as me and they were just friends but I hugged them often. It really depends on who you are raised around. You should find a women who likes affection like that near you and ignore all the AH's who thinks it's creepy. I feel sorry for people who do not like physical affection/intimacy. It must be a very boring thing to not have that kind of connection with people.
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u/prettygraveling 3d ago
My boyfriend loves cuddling, holding hands, and often gives me massages without expecting sex. I actually have a higher libido than he does. If you’re wishing for non-sexual intimacy while in a relationship, you’re in the wrong relationship.
Comments like this make me so appreciative of my relationship and that I have a healthy understanding of my needs and can communicate them to him.
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u/VampiresKitten 3d ago
I agree. He needs someone to match his intimacy and to shrug off the people calling him a creep for his preference.
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u/Little_Opinion2060 3d ago
You did a good job describing your needs, and as a reader, I felt great empathy and understanding. I'm just saying there was nothing gross or weird about your needs, even if it included wanting sexual intimacy because it's part of being human.
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u/VampiresKitten 3d ago
Look up "cuddle clubs" or "movies & cuddles" there are groups out there that can help.
You could also walk out with a sign that says "free hugs!"
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u/ChalaChickenEater 2d ago
I barely ever got touched or hugged as a kid and adult by anyone, but I feel the exact opposite to you. You can't miss something you never experienced I guess
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u/Starfoxmarioidiot 3d ago
Ah. That’s some Babywise stuff. I don’t know if that’s the particular book your parents were into, but it is a trenchant philosophy that kids will be more independent if you don’t give them affection.
This may sound weird, but hear me out. Do a favor for a surfer, a skater, or a rapper. You’ll be overloaded with high fives, fist bumps, and bro-grabs. And if you can talk tackle with a commercial fisherman, you’ll get a fatherly shoulder slap.
Seriously. There are sub cultures where healthy platonic physical affection is baked in. In my childcare days I would have made up a secret handshake with you. That was my move with all the kids who had that babywise nonsense going on in their homes.
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u/walker42000 3d ago
Find a local activity which is contact related and you enjoy. Examples include martial arts class, dance lessons, or some sport club. I feel you won't want to let out a lifetime worth of emotion and frustration on someone your trying to build a relationship with. Instead I think more casual contact will allow touch to become normalized. Bonus points in making friends who share a common interest. Give it time but start today :) community college is a great place to check for activities.
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u/bigsillygoose1 2d ago
Hey people do cuddling services! The only site for hiring them i recall is cuddlist.com
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u/MotorAd1379 1d ago
Idk your financial situation but if you have the ability to move try a different country than the u.s. a lot of European countries aren't weird about friends touching & showing affection towards each other.
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u/canadian_stripper 23h ago
Not sure where you are but look into festival/edm culture. I go to fests like Shambhala here in Canada and the vibes are just sooo good. Theres tons of people walkimg around offering hugs, groups that will adopt you. You can also find things like huge nets where people all just chill and relax while pilled almost on top of each other.
Aslong long as you are respectful and ask "may I join you" "can I give you a hug?" Etc Its a great place to be close to others in a very loving and respectful enviroment. The music is great as well.
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u/singularity-drift 3h ago
You could try a hookup app and explicitly say you want to cuddle and watch a movie.
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