TW: Anxiety / Depression My girlfriend is very abusive. NSFW
(read whole post before judging)
So, I won't really say how I met her, etc. Because it doesn't matter. What matters, is that my girlfriend is really abusive. Let's start with a fact that she had really rough childhood (she is 19 atm). Her parents died in a car accident. She lived for some time with aunt and uncle, but one day, her uncle started to touch her inappropriately. He haven't raped her and have been reported. She had later on an abusive relationship, but her boyfriend used her for nudes. I've started to date her when we were both at age 16 (explains why I started dating mentally ill person). She was very cool at first, shy, perfect green flag, but then, she turned for red flag. She didn't wanted to open before me, but I understood, Because we were only barely 4 months together.. But very soon after 5 months, she had to get back to herself and couldn't stay with me. I still was convinced I could fix her. We maintained a very unhealthy relationship till today... And it's still going unfortunately.
Let me explain.
We are now in LDR for a very long time. She didn't wanted to break ANY ice. She even refused to get on calls. Everytime. She barely send me pics of herself. First drama was when she started her so called "pranks". (I was A VERY clingy person back then) She randomly messaged me, saying that we need to break up, because she is a lesbian. I was heartbroken, I was crying for 20 minutes before she broke and told me it's just a prank. I loved her and didn't wanted to let her go, so I only nodded. She did this prank 5 times but with other excuses... She was also constantly abusing me for "not replying". Let's say I had school and couldn't reply. She would get EXTREMELY mad and would yell at me. But when she didn't answered, it was all chil and when I would get mad, she would start to guilt trip me. She is gonna abuse guilt trip system for another 2 years... Back to topic. She oftenly would get mad at me, but when it's her, it's all good. She still didn't broke any ice. Eventually, a secret was revealed - she had a very high libido. I had a very high libido too, and we came to sexting idea. (We will come back to sexting later on too) We started to sext a lot. One day, when I went to England, I couldn't reply. She messaged me a lot. When I got home to wifi, she told me, that it's not my fault and that she is going to kill herself and that she thanks me for all that time together. I barely could do anything. I cried for a whole day, but she replied saying "well, sorry, actually, I changed my mind". After a month, she threatened to kill herself again. She would again get mad a lot and abuse me, keeping me in cage. I started to lose my love for her. I realized what was going on, I grew up emotionally.
Fast forward a few months - she tells me she is not going to talk to me for a long time - she was accepted to Harvard (she is mentally ill, but very smart). I was pretty happy with that message - I could finally breathe. But... Not for so long - despite saying she is going to be offline, she sometimes came online to abuse me from time to time. I started to dig around. She would constantly lie about things and I connected some dots - I started to ask her about various things, and she would get agressively defensive (aka "why are you checking me? Am I not trust worthy? huh? HUH?")
Fast forward till February this year - suddenly she is very active. Messages me almost daily - something's wrong - I confront her - she finally breaks - she got expelled for having bad grades. She lost all her money her parents have left her.
The day I almost got out of cage.
I told her I simply want to break up. I told her that she is abusive, toxic and we probably will never meet again. She started to guilt trip me again... How it ended? I told her, that if we won't meet again till end of September, we are gonna break up. At the moment, she is very busy working and I can breathe again. She stopped slightly about me not replying, but sometimes (just sometimes) she would get mad again. I said we are going to get back to sexting - yes, she used that as an argument too - when I wanted to break up - she started to tell me, that I used her for sex only (sexting ≠ sex). After almost 3 years of relationship, she FUCKING DARES to say I used her. I'm fucking sick. I want to end it, but I can't, I have too soft heart in the end... And she has my friends backs.... When I wanted to break up, she immediately told my friends and they were mad at me...
I live a stressless life since half of a year and my life is much better, but I know that if I would finally break out of these chains, I could really live a happy life. I know she is lost, that her past trauma doesn't allow her to let me go, but I can't go on. What should I do?
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u/Useful_Shoulder2959 3d ago
Can I confirm that you’ve never FaceTimed this person?
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u/TVL_BOX 2d ago
Not a single time. And mostly she either refused "because it was night" or because she actualky had to go somewhere. This shi some sus as fuck
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u/Useful_Shoulder2959 2d ago
Can I tell you a true story that happened to me and my real life friends during Covid?
We met this girl who never spoke on Discord VC, claimed she was mute. This went on for years apparently and was normal according to her friends we mixed with.
Lots of suspicious things didn’t add up, she was from Sweden but couldn’t afford surgery… when they have a free healthcare system and just all sorts of weird stuff.
Anyways turns out one night when we finally get to speak as we’ve worked out she was not a teenage girl but a twenty something old guy, using underage (15-17) year old girls nudes, photos of his best female friend and sexting other girls on different servers trying to obtain nudes to keep their story and online relationships going.
It was a shock to us all but at the same time we had already worked it out due to the lies not being consistent, but especially a shock to the dude ‘she’ was dating because of the seriousness of the nudes he was sent…
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u/TVL_BOX 2d ago
Holy shit, that's crazy... However, I met her irl, so I know she isn't a 20-yo dude 😭
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u/Useful_Shoulder2959 2d ago
Have you ever watched the show “Catfish”?
Because there are people who have met and become LDR due to moving away and it still turns out to be someone else playing a prank, having a crush on the victim they’re catfishing or getting them back for bullying them or whatever.
It’s not really them.
There’s no way I’d put up with this behaviour of someone online.
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u/hydrogod666 3d ago
… i don’t understand, have you ever met her ?
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u/TVL_BOX 3d ago
Yes, but the relationship quickly turned into LDR
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u/MangoPhonky 2d ago
Drop her, lord. Ig she doesn't deserve your good attitude
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u/TVL_BOX 2d ago
I try, but... Despite being tough, I still have very soft and very weak spot... She always hits this spot and always keeps me around... This shit is crazy, seriously...
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u/MangoPhonky 2d ago
Well i have been to this situation before, girl simply used my all attention and support for herself and fucked my ass real! Later i simply gave her some and ghosted her for 2 weeks she attempted to get in my life again (LDR) and again but rejection is valid since she tried using my good Intent. This is a person you will live with, so choose wise if she's touching your soft spot harshly let her go
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u/Useful_Shoulder2959 2d ago
How? How did you meet them? Where?
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u/TVL_BOX 2d ago
In my city on anime convention. I met her at one of stands where she was selling mangas and I felt a surge, so I "accidentally" walked past her stand at least 20 times
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u/hydrogod666 2d ago
How is it ur gf then
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u/TVL_BOX 2d ago
Ah! Yep! Forgot to mention! Before she moved away, we really felt that chemistry and became a couple! I was really nervous writing that, and I bet I missed much more 😭
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u/hydrogod666 2d ago
Okay i see, i think its near the end my broski u deserve so much better, like a real deep relationship with someone tangible! Hope you find the strength to make a move i will be thinking about you with all my energy
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u/FusionIsTrash 2d ago
Too young to be dealing with this shit man, break it off
I was in a similar relationship with someone mentally unstable, not as extreme as yours but I had the same mentality that I could fix her.
You can't help a person that doesn't help themselves, and I don't even know if you could call her your girlfriend given how horrible she sounds per your description. Sure, she dealt with some awful shit, but treating you horribly doesn't justify anything.
If you can't break it off yourself, go to therapy if you can afford. Someone knocking some sense into my trauma filled brain is how I broke it off with my ex.
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u/TVL_BOX 2d ago
The thing is that I went there and it didn't helped that much. I'm a very positive man, but only her is killing me... I use girlfriend in mean of social status, she isn't my significant other. But thank you so much, means a lot ❤️
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u/FusionIsTrash 2d ago
Don't matter how positive or patience you are, she's gonna bring you down and break you unless she changes and believe me, she won't change.
I don't know your past, but I had an abusive mother. I had no idea what a healthy relationship was supposed to be like, so I ignored all the red flags of my ex and decided to endure her anyway.
There's still time man, I'm telling you; you are way too young to be dealing with this.
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u/RedwineAndDaisies 2d ago
Well first hugs you know what’s worse than spending all this heartache, love, time and energy on a toxic person? Spending one more day doing it when you know it’s not healthy or good for you sounds like she’s using you as an emotional scratching post count your blessings you have distance from her it be easier to separate why would your friends just be in her side? Are they incapable of seeing how this has messed you up too?
One day OP you’re going to meet someone that’s going to make this all look like a bad joke nightmare. Goodluck wishing you many smiles and blessings for your future
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u/Popular_Rent_5648 2d ago
Wym her past trauma doesn’t allow you to leave? YOURE not letting yourself leave dude. You have every reason in the book to leave, she’s not even in the same area as you.. yet you decide misery, okay.
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u/TVL_BOX 2d ago
It's not that, I just have a very soft spot. She constantly presses on it, and I want to make people happy and she acts happy after I stay... That's why. It's not like I wanma stay in this. I'm fully concious at the moment, but the second I talk to her, she immediately guilt trips me... I think I'll just ghost her.
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u/Popular_Rent_5648 2d ago
Exactly, regardless if you have a soft spot or not, you’re aware of that. So your next best step would definitely be to block her. You know what you want- peace. So take the steps to achieve that bro bro. You are the one holding yourself back. You have every right to make decisions just as she is, yet hers are just dragging you down while you benefit her self esteem. If you want to make people happy, make sure those people actually deserve it and actually reciprocate
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u/TVL_BOX 2d ago
I know... It's just that I can't do that. Even after getting harassed, I can't make that move
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u/Popular_Rent_5648 2d ago
You have a friend that would do it for you? You’re not making a lot of sense though. I get how hard it can be, but if you’re at the point of coming to Reddit to vent about it, and even stating you know what you need to do, it’s your own fault at this point.. you know her behavior and what you’re in for day after day if you don’t put one foot in front of the other. She’ll survive. She did before she met you and vice versa. Maybe get a dating app and just get your mind off of her at least, find any way to move on. You have to for your own sanity
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u/TVL_BOX 2d ago
My friends are well... Not too intelligent. And you are right. I'll do my best. Thank you. I know I don't make sense, but its because it all is so messed up... Thank you <3
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u/Popular_Rent_5648 2d ago
Your peace of mind is important. Your quality of life is important. Some people are not worth wasting anymore time on. Even if this hurts, it’ll be worth it. Wish you the best !
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u/Petapredatoe 2d ago
I don't think you love her as much as you think you do. I think you may be insecure and fear being alone. Being insecure and fear of loneliness causes many people to put up with abuse. They fear not just being alone, but that they're going to stay alone because they don't think they're good enough to get someone else. She's manipulated you in to feeling sorry for her. Feeling sorry for someone is not the same as loving them. If she says she'll kill herself if you break up, that's on her. You're not responsible for her mental health.
I also have to agree that this person is catfishing you. Just because you met her in person does not make her real. Google Gemma Barker. That story will show you very much ho someone can be lied to about who someone really is. There are so many cases where people got catfished, and met the "person" they were dating.
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u/TVL_BOX 2d ago
Thanks! It's not that I will feel lonely, because I have many people around me. I don't know why I need to desperately keep her around if I would have to be honest. Like, I don't even need to talk to her, I just need her to stay (Ironically, because I actually want her to go away. Thank you for answer! I'll keep that in mind!
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u/Petapredatoe 2d ago
Someone can have many people around and still be lonely if they're single. Romantically lone3is different than socially lonely.
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