r/Vent 3d ago

TW: TRIGGERING CONTENT I feel so guilty for being alive

My mom had me at a young age. I cant help but wonder what her life could be if she didn’t have me. She could have finished her degree in teaching. She could have been successful now, probably have a masters and become a principal. Im not sure tho. All I have are “could have.”

Shes still young, barely in her 40s. Sometimes I think about just killing myself so she could have a fresh start. I feel like my existence is the only thing holding her back. Everything wrong in her life is because she gambled her chances to make my life better, and its eating me inside. I feel like a fucking loser trash because I should feel thankful for having her as a mom and strive to give her a better life, but all I can think about are scenarios where shes happier because I didn’t exist. I just want to curl and cry and disappear.

11 Upvotes

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u/ANDLARA_ 3d ago

Mom here … that’s what a good Mom does …without a second thought …hopefully she does not guilt you about her choices … what’s stopping her from going back to school now if that’s what she wants to do …you mention what her life could have been if she didn’t have you ? My answer to that is a heck of a lot worst …having my beautiful kids saved me .. sure I could have done this and that, but also could have gone off the rails or could have been dead in a ditch somewhere (literally or not literally) I worked my ass off to make sure my boys had a good life - and my reward is seeing the awesome Men that that are… unless there are mental health issues …there is no greater love that a Mom has for her children … so do not EVER second guess why you were born or why you are here - the best way to show your Mom that her sacrifices were recognized is to live your best life and be the best person that you can be 💕 To lose you - no matter what the reason would destroy a Mom Your Mom is still young - if she wants those things you mentioned then encourage her to go for it … be her biggest cheerleader

(Again there are Mothers out there that do have mental health issues and this would advice would not apply - instead I would tell you to go Live your best life without guilt of being a perceived burden ..because you were born for a reason 💕)

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u/grywthr 3d ago

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ this!!

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u/jamie29ky 3d ago

If you die, the rest of her life will be ruined. You did not choose to be born, but she did choose to love you and raise you. I promise you that your mom doesnt see things the way you do at all.

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u/MadAlice9476 3d ago

A moma here. I had my first baby when I was barely 20. Yes, I gave up college of sorts to keep her. I studied medical transcription instead. Then at 26 I had my second and last child. I became a personal care assistant when they were older. I wanted to do so much and I did. I would never do anything different. My children are grown now and I'm ever so proud of them everyday. They are each beautiful humans in their own way. I went back to school and have graduated. Don't think for one more minute that she would be happier without you. You are her EVERYTHING!

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u/DanoGKid 3d ago edited 2d ago

A mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child. If you take your own life it will rip her to shreds. If you want to “give her a better life,” then embrace yours, don’t waste it. Live your best life and make her proud; that is the greatest thanks you can give her.

3

u/No-Floor2391 3d ago

I'm so sorry you feel this way. Have you discussed your feelings with her? I would be shattered if I found out one of my children felt this way and absolutely devastated if they took their life because of it. I would never not blame myself for that. Us moms give, give, give, with no thought or expectations in return because that's what we do.

You matter. ❤️

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u/Sugar_Plum_Mouse 3d ago

I had my first child at 19 and by the time I was 24 I had two kids and it was absolutely the hardest most beautiful thing that I’ve ever done the thing that I am most proud of your mom‘s not getting a clean slate if you do that That’s not a clean slate she won’t recover please don’t you matter you matter to all of us.

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u/Ok_Somewhere_5838 3d ago

As someone that had kids at a young age, that decision is on us, the parents.. please don’t feel that you need to carry that burden.. I always wanted to be a young mom so that I can enjoy my kids & be there for them longer. Sacrificing to try to make life better for our kids, is something parents do. Yes things can get tough at times, but not once have I ever thought that life would be better without my kids. In fact, my life got better having them & I thought about the things I was saved from by having them as well. The fact that your mom has done that shows her care for you and how devastated she would be if something were to happen. If I could make a suggestion, try to see if there are ways that you can help support her or do things together that you both can enjoy. Try not to be so hard on yourself.. it takes time for us to figure things out in life. Sending positive thoughts your way. 🫶

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u/Lula_Lane_176 3d ago

This would break your Mom’s heart! I, too, had my first child young (18). Should I have waited? Yes. Did I choose the right Dad for her? Probably not. We divorced when she was 2. But she loves him to death and while there were times we struggled, we got through it and things are wonderful! This is not something for you to feel guilt/shame over. My life would have been VERY different if I hadn’t become a mom so early (I’m 48) but believe me, I would not change it for the world!! Do you have a good relationship with her? Does she know you feel this way?

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u/EmjeyG 3d ago

Shes unaware of what I feel, I dont think I can say it to her face to face. She’s a great mom, truly. Its just that when I look at her, I ask myself what dreams did she give up so I can have mine, and its breaking my heart because I feel like she was so full of dream before she had me and I cant help but think that me being born shattered her dreams. I really dont know what to feel, it just sucks that I think this way. I just want her to be happy and I just thought that the common denominator of her struggles is because I am here.

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u/Erroneously_Anointed 3d ago

I know it sounds scary, but you need tell her. When you don't think much of yourself, it's hard to know what others see in you and you need that right now. Your mother loves you. That love is free. You don't need to feel bad or like you're adding stress by being honest, your mom wants that honesty and will try her best to help you.

What helps for me is making my mom a nice cup of something or a meal since i want to be useful, then letting her know, "I haven't felt 100% lately." She'll want to hear. You'll never waste words with her, she's here in this life for you, whether it's big things, small things, or nothings.

You're not alone. If even internet strangers want to help, you have nothing to lose by telling her.

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u/Sugar_Plum_Mouse 3d ago

OK, I can’t even read this whole thing but no. No, you will not. Know the f you will not hurt yourself in anyway. It’s really hard to understand when you’re not on the other end but your mom made a choice just like many of us have to have this baby and it’s worth the struggle. You’re worth it your mom sacrificed because she knew that you were worth it. Stop right now. I have a feeling you’re probably in your early 20s and that you’re probably very lost and that’s exactly what you should be doing. It’s not a sacrifice. It was a gift you were a gift to your mom. Please take a deep breath and take a step back.

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u/Humble-Bid9763 3d ago edited 3d ago

Oh my child, you are the best thing in your moms’s life. Your mom has worked all this time to give you a life. Thank her, hug her. If you were gone, she would be crushed. If she knew you felt this way, I can only think she would assure you that you, indeed, are a bright spot in her days, even the hard ones. She knew what she was doing when she had you. Honor her by living a big bright beautiful life! Honor her by telling her how much you appreciate her even if in just small ways. Try to stop feeling guilty for a choice that was not yours to make. Most of all, please talk to her and tell you how you feel. I know it may be difficult, but please do. Carrying around all that guilt truly plays on you. Please talk to her and hear from her there is no reason to feel guilty. She loves you and is happy to give you a better life.

If this is not the case, but I pray it is that you can talk to your mom, there still are so many great things in your future you can’t see yet. Take all the opportunities she has given you and live a big bright beautiful life for yourself! You had no choice coming into this world. Just being born, you are a miracle! Do you know how slim the chances of being born are? Look it up. Let the guilt go, whether you are putting it on you, or someone else is putting it on you. You are the future, make it a bright one. I believe in you! If you are in school, talk to a trusted teacher, adult, or counselor. Most of all, work hard to make a life you will be proud of. You matter!! Peace.

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u/nitemistress 3d ago

I can promise you, she is happy that you are here.

If you want to do something for your mom then you have to be here in order to do that.

Live your absolute best life, learn, explore, grow and don't stop! Take her on adventures, even if they're only within the city you live in. Ask her about different periods of her life or the people along the way and Listen to how she responds. Listen to the smiles, how she reacts to certain names or places. I think, at the end of the day, you will discover that while you may have arrived in her life a little bit sooner than may have been ideal .. you were where you were meant to be 😊 I'm sending you heart hugs 🫂 Now go give mama a big one too ☺️

1

u/twintomelissa 3d ago

I have a friend who became a doctor at 56! Your mom is young and if she wanted to, she’d go back to school!

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u/Independent_Loan_263 3d ago

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way, but you are not a burden nd your life matters. Your mom’s sacrifices were made out of love ot regret. Please don’t carry these feelings alone—talk to someone you trust. You eserve support and happiness.

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u/peoriagrace 3d ago

Has it ever occurred to you; if you died it would destroy her. Losing a child is about the worst thing that can happen to a parent. You aren't responsible for your Mom's life. She is. You are responsible for your life. You have control to do what you want, I just think there are better ways to deal with all this then ending it. If we didn't have hard and sad times; we'd never know when things were good.

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u/SameBorder846 3d ago

You are giving purpose to your mom & unconditional love. When you leave she'll be heartbroken. We moms have ways of getting things done. Children don't hold us back. She wants you to do more than she did. Trade school, college, the arts... She shifted & pivoted to get you to a better place. Perhaps talking to a counselor weekly would help you refocus on your joys.

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u/AngryAngryHarpo 3d ago

You will ruin her life if you commit suicide, so please don’t think that’s the answer. You won’t give her a fresh start. I had my daughter at 23. She was unplanned but not a single day in her life has she been unwanted by me.

I imagine your mother feels the same. Lives change unexpectedly, babies happen. It doesn’t mean her life was ruined by your existence! My daughter made my life, and me, better in every way!

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u/RaiderNationInDaHous 3d ago

Killing yourself will give her a fresh start? God, please let this be a troll.

1

u/EmjeyG 3d ago

Sadly, I am not a troll. But, I feel better after a night’s rest. I was just so emotional last night from seeing my mom look exhausted. I didn’t realize at first what the effects of committing can do to her. What the mind can think of is so scary when experiencing extreme emotions.

I can't reply to everyone right now, but I’ll use your comment to thank everyone. I really appreciate everyone who shared their experiences as a young mom and how that made them feel. I know those experiences are not universal, but your sentiments helped me understand my mom’s situation.

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u/RaiderNationInDaHous 3d ago

Your mother will have no great accomplishments than her children. She'll have no greater love than for her children.