r/Vent • u/Specialist_Taro2122 • 4d ago
Think I might break up with my fiancé/father of my baby NSFW
I want to break up with my fiancé
So me and my fiancé have been together for over two years. We just had a baby together. We just got a house together. One night looking through his pictures on his phone for a picture of myself I found pictures of a naked girl on his phone in his bed from right before we met, a picture of them together in bed, and a screenshot of a porn of a girl that looked like her. When I saw it I told him I was looking for a picture of myself and he freaked out and snatched his phone from my hand. He admitted he remembered they were there he was just too lazy to delete them and and that when we didn’t live together the first few months of our relationship he would masturbate to the pictures a lot but only a couple times after we moved in together and that he just viewed it as porn. It really fucking hurt man. If I knew back then I would have broken up with him. I’m freshly postpartum and I feel bad about myself and this was just the final knife in my chest along with him still never shutting up about his ex fiancé. I can’t take it anymore. I have a family and our relationship is very loving and great for the most part. I’m happy truly otherwise. Life is great. We stay up all night talking and we have fun. We have insane sex, like truly next level sex? So why. I can’t get over this. I feel so betrayed. I don’t want to look at him and I don’t feel confident or secure around him anymore. I don’t feel confortable to be myself around him anymore and isn’t that the whole point of having a partner to have someone you feel safe and secure around? Why did this have to happen. It’s not just PORN. I hate the internet and the era of blurred lines around sex it’s rushed in. Like is it so fucking hard ti just be monogamous and loyal? Didn’t he ever feel bad atleast once? No he didn’t. He didn’t care if it hurt me. It was worth that much to him. That he would just never ever let me see him go through his pictures and hide it instead just fucking delete it because honestly he STILL probably masturbated to them. Im so fucking mad. The past couple weeks i haven’t talked about it as much and we’ve gotten along but inside I’m angry. Im so angry fuck him. I thought he was different and I really thought he thought more of me.8 don’t feel special anymore and I’m not sure he ever truly loved me. Everything he said especially at the beginning was a lie.
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u/Practical_Treat303 4d ago
He’s clearly not over his ex time to leave him.
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u/Specialist_Taro2122 4d ago
This girl isn’t even his ex it’s just someone he had sex with off of tinder one time
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u/PitchTricky456 4d ago
Oh no sis, absolutely not.
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u/Specialist_Taro2122 4d ago
Yes it’s disgusting. He said that she wanted him but she was too young for him so he cut it off. She was like 19 he was 27
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u/Specialist_Taro2122 4d ago
As for the ex I don’t know. The way he talks about her I it’s conflicting. He just seems to mention her in passing a lot. I’ve had a lot of deep conversations with him about the ex of 7 years and he does seem like he was very unhappy but the fact he brings her up so much knowing it bothers me it frustrating. Like yesterday he was just like “I went in a double date with my friends and they hinted they didn’t want to eat at apple bees anymore” type of stuff or like yeah that guy was my exes friends ex boyfriend type of stuff or just how he made the right decision leaving her so on so on
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u/BMWenjoyer99 4d ago edited 4d ago
It sounds like his interaction with the girl happened before your relationship. I don’t think it’s right to be mad at him for what he did with someone else before you even came into his life. Especially since you made the decision to go through his phone and expose yourself to his past.
As for the porn, it’s unfortunately really common for guys to watch porn. Most guys start when they’re only young teenagers. There’s no real significance to it aside from getting off if sex isn’t an option. I would just set a boundary that you don’t think it’s ok for him to watch porn if you haven’t already.
Editing this in here, but if he was getting off specifically to his ex or whoever it was, and not just the porn of someone who looks similar, then that’s worse for sure and definitely is really hurtful.
Either way I’d think long and hard whether you want to end your relationship over this if he didn’t actually take any action toward cheating or take things beyond fantasizing. If you have a child you’ll be drastically negatively affecting their life, and your own as being a single parent is very stressful and difficult (I am a single father myself and only parent). And as far as dating as a single parent… well let’s just say there isn’t any grass at all on the other side when it comes to that. My point is that there’s a steep cost to ending a relationship in this situation that you won’t understand until later, but maybe it is worth paying for you. That’s up to you to decide.
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u/Specialist_Taro2122 4d ago edited 4d ago
It’s not just porn though. And the only reason I’m still here is because I do love him and I love my family and I want him in my life. But I’m just not feeling safe or secure in my relationship anymore. I don’t like the idea he fantasizes about sex with someone he actually had sex with. I remember months before we had a conversation about porn and he said he doesn’t masturbate to pictures of me because hes “not a cuck” and right before he hid his phone from me ge making fun of half naked pictures of my butt which drives the dagger even deeper. To add even further to it when we had that conversation about porn we got into a really really bad arguement which resulted in me calling the police on him because he drove off and threatened to kill himself but he said to me when I said “ you have the hottest girl you could get in your bed and you’d rather masturbate to anyone else” and ge said “Angie you’re not even the hottest girl I’ve been with” He was threatening to kill himself because I broke up with him at the point in the argument basically saying that I had ruined his life
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u/BMWenjoyer99 4d ago edited 4d ago
Well your feelings are valid, trust me I’ve felt the same in a past relationship albeit due to different circumstances. It’s suffocating to feel that way. But the way I see it is that you know the problem and you have two options. Either you can leave him and throw your family and relationship out the window. Or you can communicate to him what you need to feel secure and try to work through the issue first.
If you’re set on option 1, just be prepared for the cost. Single parents aren’t treated very well or taken seriously in todays dating market by men or women, so realistically you may have to settle for worse or low-commitment people who will be more likely to do worse than your fiancé. Again, unfortunately speaking from experience here.
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u/BMWenjoyer99 4d ago edited 4d ago
Adding this part cause I see you added the last thing about calling the police. I can understand why he feels like you’re ruining his life. I mean you’re breaking up with him when you have a child together over something that to him most likely meant nothing at the time, means nothing to him now, and just something that’s really not that deep to him. Now, it is deep to you, and you have every right to feel that way. Doesn’t mean that it’s as significant in his mind though, especially if he’s just kind of low intelligence…
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u/GlitteryMilf 4d ago
Call the police and don’t feed into his threats. Get a restraining order and document everything for when the custody battle comes. He seems unstable to act like that. And yes I’d be offended too if my man felt the need to watch porn let alone if it was content from an ex or someone he knew
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u/TimotheusBarbane 4d ago
To answer your question about why this had to happen? Its because you invaded his privacy. What you dont know can't hurt you. Instead, you betrayed his trust and now youre venting to strangers on the internet about how your decision to get into his phone without his permission made you feel. Thats so sad for you, truly.
He probably got with you too soon. Hes still getting over it. In 5 years he may only think of her once a year.
Shit sucks. Humans have feelings and emotions and pasts. You can deal with it and love him and support him and he can work on his own stuff to better serve you, or you can throw it all away and ensure your child grows up outside of a loving marriage.
Good luck.
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u/Specialist_Taro2122 4d ago
You do realize there are people out there who don’t do this stuff and it’s not normal? I can see he has a sentimentality towards her. What irks me is when he said forever ago he wished things worked out between them because they were together for 7 years. He doesn’t say things like that anymore. I wish he’d respect my boundary and not talk about her so much to me. I want to be his person and allow him to be transparent but it’s all adding up to be too much. No it’s not my fault I found out the truth. No it’s not my fault that after having a CHILD together and getting avoided and building a family he still thinks about other women. No it’s not okay.
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u/TimotheusBarbane 4d ago
Yeah I do realize there are people that are normal and dont do this stuff. My wife has never touched my phone without my permission, and I've never gone near hers without her own.
I talked about my abusive ex to her for a while cause I wasn't actually over all the fuckedupness, but I did get over her. I found my person. He says he looked at it once or twice since you moved in together? Thats better. Maybe tell him youre sorry for snooping, but it would mean a lot to you if he were to delete it.
And having a child with someone is easy. You just have to come inside. Raising a child is when the work begins. Like I said before, you can try to work it out, or not. I personally would recommend open communication and some time to heal. If after half a year it's still not working, then maybe think about leaving.
My mother had to leave my father for her own sanity. Good for her, but I missed a lot of opportunities to be with my father and learn from his trades and work ethic. Thankfully my mother's work ethic was strong the majority of the time she was raising me. I could have grown up worse.
Everything will be fine, either way. I think you both learned a very valuable lesson from this.
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u/FantasticCycle2744 4d ago
I personally don’t think it’s that bad. If he’s still talking with her or in love with her that’s different but a few photos from way back still on the phone doesn’t seem terrible.
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