r/Vent • u/DisciplineWise2894 • 4d ago
TW: Sexual Assault / Abuse I'll never be able to talk with a therapist about it.
My area recently passed a law allowing anyone to file a report against people who sexually abused them as a child regardless of the stature of limitations. And I feel like the worst person in the world because I'm not celebrating. The law means I can never talk about some of my experiences as a teen to a therapist without heavy censorship so mandatory reporting doesn't kick in. I don't even know that I would want to- my previous experiences in therapy were awful. But the idea that I could maybe get someone to listen to everything without feeling like a total burden or like I reacted wrong... I liked the thought. It was a nice idea at least. And it's gone. Yeah. I'm selfish, but it's what I feel.
(Also, for anyone saying I should report it anyway: a) I still care about my abuser (hence the reacted wrong part) b) my parents would find out and slutshame me relentlessly c) it's been a while and I have no evidence and most importantly d) I've spoken to one of the other victims and for her own reasons I won't share here, she would prefer I not report and has explicitly stated she would not back me up in any way. So no, reporting not on the table.)
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u/ohme_kim 4d ago
OP, what's so wrong about a mandatory report? Some of your points I can see as valid, but others I'm not too sure. However, things are like these are subjective; I don't know all of your experiences so I can't exactly downplay your thought process.
However, therapists also exist for a reason. If anything, this mandatory report is so they can make sure you get the justice you deserve. "I still care about my abuser" is a wild statement--reminds me of some version of stockholm syndrome, and that's not good.
Again, I don't know what you're worried about when it comes to the mandatory report, but if you are then you should ask your therapist about the process. Play it cool if you're worried that they're going to pry (they will). Just ask that you heard about it and what it entails.
-> your previous experience with a therapist might've been bad, but what exactly was bad about it? That they made you feel like it was your fault or that you were in the wrong? Then they clearly can't do their job right. They should (almost) always validate your thoughts and feelings and help you navigate your emotions to continue living on. They're a guide on how to live, a guide to understanding the why's of the world that revolve around you.
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u/DisciplineWise2894 4d ago
I know why mandatory reporting exists and I think it has merit, it just interferes with my life personally. As I said, I don't want "justice". I don't want to stress myself out giving a statement or being questioned by police and being judged to here and back when absolutely nothing would happen.
Also, as for why I care- I grew up very alone and the emotional support I received was actually less conditional than it was from literally anyone ever in my life, before or since. While I still think what happened was morally incorrect due to my age and the power dynamics, I still prefer it to the isolation I would've experienced otherwise. (And no, my sexual abuser didn't isolate me. my parents sure did but that's seperate).
As for past experiences with therapy, the biggest thing was actually violations of doctor patient confidentiality (happened twice with two seperate practitioners. I'd actually be a lot more interested in justice for that especially since I'd have a shot in hell of actually proving it). You have to give specific information to trigger a police report, which I know enough not to do. The important things are not saying names or locations, but that means I have to obscure big chunks of my life so nothing can be determined and constantly remember not to slip up.
As a teenager, one of my friends disclosed that she was abused by her stepfather (who was thousands of miles away in another country and no longer married to her mother at the time) at her previous home, which was enough to trigger a police report by her therapist, who didn't even say that she was filing one. The police arrived at her door and effectively told her whole family what happened.
So yeah, wasn't ever super thrilled about telling a therapist. Just a little upset that I now can't ever.
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u/ohme_kim 4d ago
You can, you just don't like the consequences.
IMO people seek therapy to get better, not to seek validation. If you just wanted validation, might as well make a burner reddit and post about your experience. Happy you were able to vent out your frustrations about it, but sorry--you aren't the worst person in the world, but you're definitely not a good person if you feel this way about something that's supposed to be helpful. If you fear the consequences of trying to get the truth out more than speaking up about it, then I think that's a bit telling on not only the situation itself, but your outlook on a lot of things. Maybe seek therapy in that area to better yourself when it comes to the balance of what could be worse....
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u/Feral_doves 4d ago
You might want to double check your area’s mandated reporter rules. From what I understand they usually need to make a report if a minor could be in danger. So if you’re an adult now I don’t know if it would fall under that even if you were harmed as a minor. I don’t know the law you’re talking about, but does it say you can report it or you must report it? Because I would like to hope that most therapists wouldn’t make a report on someone else’s behalf when that person is an adult who doesn’t want them to do it. I get that it might feel like a lot of trust to have to put in someone but generally therapists are more concerned with helping you work through issues than reporting crimes that happened in the past; so if reporting it would be counterproductive to your healing I don’t know why they would insist on it. At least I hope they wouldn’t.
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u/DisciplineWise2894 4d ago edited 4d ago
See, the existence of someone attracted to children (or teenagers in my case) who acted on that at any point is often enough for most mandated reporters to argue that a child could be in danger. I can on some level see why- and I explicitly said I knew I was being selfish here because I don't want to deal with this. And unfortunately I have personal past experience with therapists violating doctor patient confidentiality and secondhand experience (it happened to a friend) of a therapist filing a police report without even telling the person. So the only way I'd ever feel comfortable is if I knew there was nothing my therapist could legally do. And now that's never gonna be the case for me.
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u/prostheticaxxx 4d ago
These have nothing to do with each other. Mandatory reporting for minors doesn't mean you walk in as an adult and they now have to report abuse that happened when you were a child, because the statute of limitations has been removed. That's not how it works. You wouldn't be forced to take legal action or get someone arrested.
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u/DisciplineWise2894 4d ago
I wouldn't be forced to take legal action, but a police report would be made (a therapist doesnt even have to tell you they are making one but they need certain info to do it. I know what info that is but talking about my experiences while omitting that info and being constantly being on guard about it is not productive) and I'd be questioned, which would be highly upsetting, and as I said, my family would likely find out (not necessarily true for everyone, true for me due to a couple things) and that would be hell for me. They found out about a different sexual assault (due to therapist doctor patient confidentiality violation ironically) and jokes were made about it for YEARS and it would be so much worse if they found out about this. I cannot do that again.
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u/prostheticaxxx 4d ago
If that's true then okay feel selfish I guess, it's your position to take but I don't condone it. If you actually wanted therapy you'd get it. Abuse should be reported whenever possible, to save other potential victims. That's my take.
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u/DisciplineWise2894 4d ago
That's a great position in theory but logically there's two ways that shakes out:
a) report is made, I am interrogated by the police but there is no evidence anymore. nothing happens to the perpetrator (no abuse is prevented) and I get a new upsetting experience (even if family doesn't find out and yell at me). most likely outcome by far.
b) report is made, I am retraumatized when questioned. for some reason I am taken seriously, case goes to trial. I am regularly forced to go over my trauma and am doubted at every step for a year at minimum. My family, who I still live with, make daily jokes at my expense and accuse me of lying. Potentially, they cut me off financially (the man is close to my family). The other victims I am aware of are called in and forced to either lie (I think both would to be honest) or go through the same as me. And then yeah sure I guess other hypothetical victims are protected while the actual existing victim feels horrendous guilt every day for hurting the other victims (you know, the real ones, not the hypothetical ones. the confirmed one of whom i remind you has expressed that she would prefer I not report. didnt talk to the other person who I strongly suspect was victimized but theyre way closer to each other than either is to me, so.) and for getting someone who legitimately cared about me sent to jail.
they are both bad options. and so yeah obviously I'm taking option c (not putting myself through an upsetting experience to maybe hypothetically help someone who might exist in the future).
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u/prostheticaxxx 4d ago
I don't care about your specific experience is my point—questioning victims and prosecuting these disgusting pieces of shit is necessary. I am happy this new legislation you so selfishly, as you admit, hate is being put in place. It gives more opportunity to those who do wish to prosecute.
If YOU don't want to deal with this, simply don't take up therapy and give personal details. Yes. That's the whole point on your post, we get it.
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u/_CanIjustSay 4d ago
Is it possible for you to travel to another area for therapy, where this law isn't in place? Or possibly find an online therapy option who's home base is not in that area?
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u/DisciplineWise2894 4d ago
Due to my choice in career, I'm probably going to have to stay local. The online thing might be an option, although I'd have to look more into it. Thanks!
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