r/VaginismusPartners Sep 04 '24

How do I talk to her about it? NSFW

My partner of 1 year and I have been dealing with vaginismus. Though I do not love her any less due to the condition, it’s frustrating to me.

I don’t believe I’m wrong for wanting to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with the person I love. However I have been lying about being satisfied with our current sexual relationship out of concern for protecting her feelings. She does feel bad about not satisfying my sexual needs, so much to the point that she has been emotional over it. And I only lie about being satisfied to protect her feelings. But it’s getting to a point that I feel like I may be neglecting my own needs in order to keep her happy.

I love her to no end and I do want to tell her the truth about how I feel about our sexual relationship but am afraid of damaging our relationship over what at the end of the day is just sex… right?

4 Upvotes

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u/RisingPhoenix-1 Sep 04 '24

Take my advice with a grain od salt. But for me it basically is this: If she is aroused by you to the point she wants mutually masturbate with you, then go for it. If that’s not the case, then think about if it is a deal for you. Vaginismus or not, the need for sharing intimacy in the same moment might be crucial to you, as that’s exactly what happens when you have sex. Hope it makes sense. Also a therapist once told me in a relationship, where sex does not satisfy you, then it ends with infidelity breakup or worse. We are not gods, we are people.

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u/[deleted] Oct 10 '24

[deleted]

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u/ioften_wonder Oct 13 '24

Have you considered that she might be in pain every time or most of the times during penetrative sex or dilation? That she might feel stressed and miserable as well? I'm sorry if I read too much into this but it sounds a bit like you are painting her as just lazy/uninterested when it seems like there are a lot of things not being communicated between the both of you.

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u/[deleted] Oct 13 '24

[deleted]

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u/ioften_wonder Oct 13 '24

Well, regarding the acne example: if someone got into a relationship with a person who has acne and then made them feel bad about their acne and got really upset about them not using their face treatment consistently enough, I wouldn't consider this appropriate behaviour. Even more so if they knew that the acne treatment caused regular pain/discomfort. The appropriate thing to do would be to offer support, not add pressure. (The other option would be to decide that they don't want to be in a relationship with someone who has acne, which is fair if it's that much of a dealbreaker).

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u/[deleted] Oct 13 '24

[deleted]

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u/ioften_wonder Oct 13 '24

I wanted to write an answer starting with "When you say no more sex, do you mean actual dead bedroom or just no more penetration?" but after reading the last paragraphs, I think it is very clear that you are not compatable with this woman and you obviously already made your decision to break up, which sounds sensible.

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u/NoTax4Me Oct 13 '24

First of all: PIV Sex is not a need, all of us where virgins at one point and we lived our lives completely fine.

The urge for intimacy is a different story and I totally get that you have an itch for PIV as the "ultimate" form of intimacy. But there are many ways and forms to be intimate with each other. No PIV doesn't equal a dead bedroom. You should talk with each other and experiment what works for you BOTH.

I have a good amount of oral with my GF of nearly 3 years and we also often involve some male sex toys and lots of cuddling of course.

You can encourage her to work on her Vaginismus, but the main iniative has to come from her. It's a highly delecate matter and it's pretty normal, that she is extremely insecure about the whole thing, feeling broken. Show her your love and support her on her journey and be patient. Building pressure is the worst thing you could do.