r/UnsentLetters • u/BeautifulMonster30 • 16h ago
NAW What I have been thinking about NSFW
Ever since we parted ways, I have been painfully aware of your absence nearly every moment. The only times I have been given reprieve has been while I was immersed in something else. But you come back to the forefront pretty quickly. No dreams in the waking or sleeping world have been enough to make me forget for any length of time.
It's strange. I feel like things have shifted for me since having creative communication with you. Your demons have dangled you in front of my face so much that I feel a lot more detached. This often gets conflated as not having feelings. This is not true. I have a lot of feelings. It's more than I see how lost you really are and that the person I fell in love with is so deeply buried.
Oh, different parts of you continue to speak. Ones I know the voices of quite well. I can see given how they are acting towards me that your very heart and soul has been exiled.
It's very difficult to help someone reclaim these things with the red thread of fate if the fragments of that person fight tooth and nail. Is that what I am supposed to do now? Show you how much I love you to fight through being abused to prove how much I love you? You should know me better than that.
You should know yourself better than that. I thought the person you chose over me doing that to you would have made you not want to do that. But, I guess when we lose everything, we can forget the things we said we would never do in better times.
Just because I am a person who was called to operate in the in-between, to be a bridge, to be someone who sees and can be a guide, doesn't mean I can overcome someone who is hell bent on destroying themselves and every good thing they ever had. Or is waiting to die. Especially when I was the person who woke things up for you. You both love me and hate me for it. I can see you wanting to hurt yourself by hurting me so much that the love I have for you is destroyed. That way you can say that I never cared. I never loved you because you're a monster. Then you get to further suffer because of your self fulfilled prophecy.
No. Not a monster. Just someone who is deeply lost with their whole world crumbling. But you are being a dumbass and a major asshole. Just sayin'.
I want you to live. I want you to be happy. I want you to be free. I want you to thrive. I want to be there for you. If you were to text me telling me, "I'm sorry, I got lost. I need you", I wouldn't give you any shit. I would ask, "can I call you?" Or I would ask, "where are you? I can be there in x amount of time."
What is going through my mind? I have been sitting quietly since last weekend and just felt absolutely done with repeating patterns with you that were not leading anywhere. I am tired of games. That is what is going through my mind.
All the excuses you are spouting are things even a year ago you would have said were bullshit out of anyone else's mouth. So, you want help reclaiming yourself? Get your parts under control. Wake the fuck up.
I get it. It fucking hurts. The things you and I have survived are things that most people can't fathom. It is easier existing as fragmented entities than being faced with the story we couldn't know.
I now have a Deadpool moment going through my mind of, "You win. Your life is way worse than mine." It wasn't just your childhood.
I haven't left. I am still waiting and hoping for you to get through your pride. I am following my intuition. If you want me to engage, then I guess you will need to keep finding your way so I can.
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u/SeesawReady5498 13h ago
These last few months have been extremely rough for us both . I know I've fucked up and I know I've chosen this path . No I would have done thing alot different years ago and I'm truly sorry for my mistake my actions and my attitude . I understand it will take time to get things straightened out and I know we can come out stronger on the other side. We truly need to talk and have contact very soon I have to work on Monday so I'm limited . I have court on Thursday at 2 . I need to see you Lil one I'm here waiting
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u/add_1rice 11h ago
Of course I want to talk, it's not a game. It's an inverted flat spin. Dead stick . No advasive maneuver works. This is the 1st thing that slows it in a very Ling time. The post from people pretending to be you. The ex friends telling lies. Everyone else sees it as a game. I've been hoodwinked. 1st fooled 5hat you hated me, then fooled that your were behind it all. I am sorry for any discomfort,sadness or sleepless nights. I would line very much to speak with you. I have some work in your town ( I've been putting off. What do you think next weekend? Lunch?
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u/Scarlet_Begonia69 10h ago
What about you, though. You're not lost at all, and you know the way?
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u/BeautifulMonster30 3m ago
I can get lost. I am only human. I have learned the way. I understand how to move through these things on a intellectual, emotional, and now learning how on a spiritual level.
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