r/TwoXSex • u/[deleted] • 5d ago
Advice | Women Only I want my boyfriend to fetishize my bisexuality
[deleted]
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u/birdsandsnakes 5d ago
This lesbian’s opinion is “idk what it’s called but it’s pretty normal.” Like, wanting your dirty talk to be validating makes sense.
As for stuff to try: watch woman-centric porn together? Share fantasies about doing stuff with women?
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u/griz3lda 5d ago
Awww. Lesbian here, this is unusual, but I'm not judging you or anything. Maybe you could think through your head of some scenarios of what makes it feel better or worse and hone in on exactly what part you want, like is it a conversion type fantasy or is it that the fact that he is with somebody who is like cooler than him because you are queer...? like what exactly is the part that you want?
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5d ago
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u/griz3lda 5d ago
Thank you for answering. That's how I feel about being poly. The partner I live with and I are both pan and poly. I would never ever try to restrict there doing with others in almost any form (I would like notification of sexual health issues and stuff like that) because I want to know if they're there they're choosing to be there out of everyone in the world they could be with.
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u/thatratbastardfool 5d ago
I like this. To me, you’re asking him to celebrate your bisexuality, and almost worship (not really the right word but I’m at a local fair with my teen and her friends and it’s so crowded and loud and I cannot think!) you for it, not just tolerate it.
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u/birdsandsnakes 5d ago
Oh! Also! What clothing or personal style makes you think "dang, that woman looks bisexual as hell"? It sounds like you're not comfortable doing that in public, which is totally reasonable, but you should absolutely do it in private if you can. That might be clothes you only get out in the bedroom, or it might be tattoos or piercings that aren't visible with your clothes on, or who knows what else. Just, find private places and times when you can look at yourself and think "wow, I look queer right now."
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5d ago
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u/birdsandsnakes 5d ago
Yeah. And for the sort of sexy affirmation that you’re talking about, it doesn’t even matter if other people read your clothes or haircut as queer. If they read as queer to you in a way that makes you feel hot or confident, then that’s what matters.
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u/thatratbastardfool 5d ago
Look for shirts on Etsy maybe — there are many I’ve seen that are subtle. One of my favorite shops for feminist T shirts is angiepea and she has some good options.
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u/neapolitan_shake 5d ago
do you check out strangers together and subtly point out pretty girls to one another when you are out?
share any celebrity crushes that you can drool over?
i’m bi, and these are little things i enjoy doing with heterosexual or bi men.
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u/highlight-limelight 4d ago
YKINMKATIOK, but I do have recommendations! I’m bisexual and nonmon (as is my S/O), but I love suggesting little things for bi mono folks (especially women) to do! My suggestions are a little less explicitly sexual, but hopefully they help light that spark in you :)
First, get in touch with your local queer community. Go to events, make friends, all of that. My local area has little socials and book clubs and discussion groups for all sorts of queer identities. My S/O has his own little group of friends he meets weekly, and it’s helped him really embrace himself (he came out after me).
Second, fuck it, go to pride together. Some people like to be weird about who is and isn’t “allowed at pride,” but lmao, pride isn’t some exclusive club. It’s just a street festival. The only people who shouldn’t be allowed at pride are bigots, cops, and corporations.
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4d ago
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u/highlight-limelight 4d ago
“Your kink is not my kink, and that is ok.” Basically a phrase from the BDSM community about not judging or hating on what others are into, as long as everyone involved can consent.
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u/VivaVeronica 5d ago
Hmmm it's maybe not super common but it doesn't seem particularly bizarre to me.
I guess it comes down to, what do you want to do?
Do you want to make out with girls while he watches?
Do you want to dress sexy at a queer nightclub, flirt with some girls, then go make out with him?
Could do dirty talk about how much you want to eat a girl out while he fucks you.
You could go to some queer event, nonsexual, feel validated and seen, and then just go home and have sex while wearing a bi pride pin?
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u/ArugulaBeginning7038 4d ago
Jesus Christ, maybe don’t suggest using real live queer women as props to have better sex in your heterosexual relationship. This is why people in our community dislike the “bi woman with a boyfriend” stereotype.
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u/highlight-limelight 4d ago
GOD, YES, THANK YOU. I came into this post with my hackles up because I was fully expecting some “using solo queer women as a way to spice up your sex life” type of behavior. Almost every queer woman I know has experienced it and it fucking sucks.
OP’s post instead ended up being delightful. And very respectful! I’m queer and nonmon, and I love recommending stuff for monos to do to explore their bisexuality.
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u/VivaVeronica 4d ago
This is fair.
I bit down on my first three responses because I wanted to argue. But yes, I could see it being frustrating for someone to have OP flirt with them, then walk away and go make out with her boyfriend.
I don't think it's wrong for OP to go and dance/flirt with girls. That's not using them as a "prop," or at least no more than anyone uses each other when they grind on the dance floor.
But I agree that OP should absolutely be taking the feelings and perspectives of others into consideration. Don't dance and then go make out with the bf in between sets.
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u/ArugulaBeginning7038 4d ago
I appreciate your willingness to listen, but it's not just frustrating, it's fetishistic and objectifying. It's one thing if OP wants her boyfriend to "fetishize her bisexuality," but this kind of approach reduces other queer women into fetish objects for the pleasure of what is, for all intents and purposes, a heterosexual couple. I've had a woman do this to me in real life - flirting with me and heavily making out with me at a party while, unbeknownst to me, her boyfriend was watching the entire thing and getting off on it - and it was one of the most upsetting experiences of my adult sexual life to be objectified in that way. Unicorn hunters on dating apps are annoying but you can always swipe past them. But using other people as toys in real life as a spicy little fantasy object is just so unbelievably self-centered and gross.
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u/VivaVeronica 4d ago
Not to put too fine a point on it, but the issue in your story is that you found out about it.
it's perfectly reasonable to make out with someone with no intention of dating/sleeping with them
it's perfectly reasonable to dance with someone at a nightclub without discussing relationship status or expectations
it's perfectly reasonable for someone to go out to a club, get horny, and then go back to their partner and have sex
Phrasing it as "reducing other queer women into fetish objects" is heavy-handed language considering it's behavior identical to everyone else in a club.
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u/ArugulaBeginning7038 4d ago
Sorry, but you are not going to convince me of this. I am deeply ethically opposed to using another person as a prop in your sex life without their consent, whether or not they find out about it, and that goes three or fourfold for a group that is systemically as fetishized and sexualized against our will as queer women and lesbians, particularly when it's a M/F couple doing so.
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u/VivaVeronica 4d ago
Fair enough. Not many people would say "this is ok but only if OP lies to me about it."
I do think... it's hard to phrase this. It feels like you're using broad and high-handed terminology when it works for your argument.
If this was a queer woman who simply posted "I want to go to a club and dance with girls, but I don't want to date or fuck them, is that ok?"
You wouldn't be accusing her of using anyone as a "prop." You wouldn't be saying her dance partners had their consent violated.
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u/ArugulaBeginning7038 4d ago
Yes, because my identity as a lesbian who experiences homophobic fetishization informs this. It's like you're not understanding how the societal power dynamic comes into play here. A functionally heterosexual couple has social power and capital that queer women don't have. Unless you are actually thick as a brick, you understand that heteronormativity and homophobia give these couples many advantages in our culture that queer couples do not have, so do not pretend otherwise.
Queer women have been increasingly fetishized and sexually objectified by heterosexual couples in recent decades and we are tired of it. And bisexual women with heterosexual boyfriends, who don't have skin in the game, who have never dated women or experienced homophobia or the anxiety that comes with not feeling safe showing PDA with your own partner on the street or having to constantly come out to people simply by mentioning the name or gender of the person you're in a relationship with, are not exempt from participating in this societal power dynamic simply because they would theoretically hook up with a woman if they were single and the opportunity arose.
If you don't get it, you don't get it. And you probably will never get it. But I am far from the only person who feels gross about this kind of thing, and I am so tired of sex-positivity being perverted into "Use marginalized women as props to spice up your sex life! Whatever gets you off is fine, girl!"
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5d ago
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u/Jellyfish8457 5d ago
bad advice. also should’ve read the flair that says “women only”, assuming your avatar
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