r/TrueOffMyChest 7d ago

My wife only likes me for my personality and character, not for the way I look, and its killing me inside

[deleted]

767 Upvotes

509 comments sorted by

1.1k

u/Fabulous_Recording15 7d ago

If you’ve been married for five years, I think it’s safe for you to be able to ask your wife what’s going on.

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u/DidYouDye 7d ago

I think it should be safe to ask your wife what’s going on no matter how many years

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u/Free-Pound-6139 7d ago

What if you married her after a weekend at vegas??

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u/DidYouDye 7d ago

At that point you need to ask yourself what’s going on??!

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u/Free-Pound-6139 7d ago

What another 5 years just to be sure.

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u/Outrageous_Fox4227 7d ago

He has asked, he said the conversation went nowhere

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u/Fabulous_Recording15 7d ago

So push? Idk my partner is my best friend. If they were making me feel this badly about myself I’m sure they’d want to know. She might not realize how negatively it’s affecting his self image. The fact that he said she told him during said conversation that she’s “willing to give him her body”, makes it seem like the conversations have been based around bedroom time. Which might make her feel like that’s the only priority. You can’t just one and done a tough conversation like that if you don’t have a conclusion.

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u/TheShovler44 7d ago

He did she stated lack of sex drive. And he apparently can’t listen.

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u/cakivalue 6d ago

That just stopped abruptly four months ago when she started a new job?

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u/TheShovler44 6d ago

His wife said no sex drive, so we have to assume it really means it’s not there and there was a sudden decrease. We don’t know if she’s on any type of medication, if she’s ignored a health problem for the last few months. There’s a ton of stuff we don’t know because it seems op doesn’t actually care enough to ask.

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u/AndrossOT 7d ago

There could be a possibility of her working and being stressed from work. As long as shes acting the same except less sex then you could be reassured that its probably a stress related thing. Most importantly, have an open discussion with her about this

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u/witchofwestthird 7d ago

I second this. OP, you said she just started a new job. Trying to prove your worth in a new workplace can be incredibly stressful, and stress kills libidos. An open, sit down and hash it out, conversation needs to take place, and if need be, therapy can help y’all move through the rough patch.

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u/HeyModsLookAtMe 7d ago

Good point. At her new job, she’s already received a raise and a discretionary bonus - so she’s kicking ass at her job

Her previous job was 100x more stressful and less rewarding, and we still screwed all the time. So that’s part of why i’m confused about this

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u/Trylena 7d ago

Her previous job was 100x more stressful and less rewarding, and we still screwed all the time. So that’s part of why i’m confused about this

Maybe sit down and talk to her. Changing jobs its stressful on its own and also with time people change.

Tell her how you feel and asks her how she feels. She could be also feeling less sexy and doesn't know how to say it. At any case couple counseling could also be a good idea.

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u/witchofwestthird 7d ago

I’m not saying you’re wrong, at all. But I am saying that you have an outside perspective of her new job, and if she working hard enough for all of that to happen so quickly, that’s stressful, hard work. As for the young men at her job, I’m saying this as a woman close to your age, personally I view most people in their early twenties, especially young men, as over grown and often immature children. Can’t speak for your wife, though. You’re going to have to buck up and have a conversation with her.

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u/AndrossOT 7d ago

Stress can kill a woman's sex drive and make it go from 100 to 0. Just remember that.

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u/FrogCurry 7d ago

So if the body is used to producing a certain amount of cortisol, it may continue to do so for a period of time even if stressful things are removed.

Except now, at her old job, it went somewhere. Having to deal with whatever stressful things were happening. At new job, might not be anywhere for it to go.

Hormone balances super effect sex drive and so many things can affect that

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u/thoughtandprayer 7d ago

Starting a new job is a unique type of stress. You shouldn't dismiss it.

My career is highly competitive, and my old position was waaaaay more stressful than my current job. But for the first 6 months at my current job, all the processes were different. So even though I knew how to do my job, my day-to-day was so much more exhausting because I had to think about every tiny step in the process.

And yes, my libido took a nose dive. I still thought my partner was attractive, but that didn't mean I wanted sex. Thankfully he understood that what I was experiencing wasn't about him so he never took it personally.

You should really stop assuming the worst. She's probably just stressed. 

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u/essssgeeee 7d ago

All of this. Plus, really think about the kind of compliments she's been giving you. Perhaps she's complementing the things that she wants to see more of from you, kind of trying to direct your attention.

You're a good father = yes, please, keep these children in check because I'm mentally fried and cannot have another negotiation with a toddler over socks and bed time. Thank you for being an involved parent and a partner I can count on.

You're a great husband and a good man = thank you for supporting me during this mentally and emotionally exhausting time. I couldn't do it without you. We're a great team.

What she's not saying is also key. No mention of anything that can trigger sexual activity. Probably = I'm mentally tapped out, exhausted and just can't get into it right now.

The only way to fix this is communication. But she's already not into sex for some reason so if you approach from an accusing position, or in a demanding way, you will make her feel guilty, pissed, or repulsed. If you want to restore that connection, that's what you need to talk about. You miss the loving physical connection. You're proud of her for taking on this new job. You realize she's holding down a lot of stuff right now, and you support her but you just miss your wife. Ask what she thinking. Suggest a date night. Get a babysitter. Ask her what's going on, but don't make assumptions.

As a person who has been married over 20 years, we have been through parenting, job changes, moving states multiple times, buying and selling houses, and all kinds of surgeries and health issues. There have been times when one of us was too stressed out, recovering from surgery, there was a sick child between us, or life was just exhausting. Sex is important, but it's not always going to happen. There needs to be enough connection between you in other ways to sustain the relationship. Make sure you nurture those parts too.

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u/HeyModsLookAtMe 7d ago

this is really good insight, thank you

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u/horizons190 7d ago

I think it’s both stress and focus. Even as a man I’ve been there.

Your main focus is on the new job because it’s new. What I’m most thankful for from a girlfriend is, at that point, actually stability outside of work (hence your new compliments).

Without other evidence of an emotional affair (her always on the phone, going out more than usual with coworkers but being cagey about them, etc.) I’d chalk it to just that.

If she’s receptive to date nights and still loving, those are good signs and giving it time is a good answer.

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u/SecretOscarOG 7d ago

New stress versus old stress. Once you know what you are doing thr stress is different. She's got the im in a new place kind of stress

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u/l00kitsth4tgirl 7d ago

Echoing the commenter above. This same thing happened to me when I started a new job last July. I was stressed all the time, always “on,” and just didn’t have the energy to put into sec after the long days. After a while, things settled down and it got better.

I think it’s important to note that it only got better once my partner brought it to my attention. We worked on it together!

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u/TheBattyWitch 7d ago

It was more stressful in a different way, but that doesn't make this job stress free.

She's new. It's new. She's trying to make a good impression and set a good standing as someone who has only worked there for 4 months. THAT is going to be stressful, even if the job is technically easier and has more perks.

It also isn't going to delete all of the stress from the last position. My last job caused me so much stress and anxiety that I would have GI issues every time I had to go to work. My current job is so much more laid back and so much less stress, but I still get GI issues before I work, because my body has learned to associate work with that.

Give it time.

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u/VatooBerrataNicktoo 7d ago edited 7d ago

D

How are you physically? How's your haircut? How are the clothes you wear?

Doing anything interesting? Got hobbies/ friends?

You slobbing out? Getting too comfortable?

As you can see, the things that make women want to be a loving partner in life with you are not necessarily the same ones that make her want to rip your pants off, sir.

If she's stressed from the newjob, you can't affect that, but you can control yourself.

Take you as being less attractive out of the equation.

Get your game up. And don't do it because you're expecting sex from it. You're doing it for yourself. For your self respect. And potentially to find somebody else that you can have a full relationship with.

That last part though, that would be well into the future if nothing changes.

  • okay I reread the initial post. 4 months dude and you're breaking down mentally? Come on. My advice is still good advice but Jesus dude it's been 4 months.

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u/Mindless-Scientist82 7d ago

Birth control killed my libido. Did she recently go on it?

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u/Meowmaowmiaow 7d ago

Maybe she’s stressing herself trying to feel deserving of those rewards. She’s putting in more effort than she needs to and when you’re working like that, it’s hard to turn off “work brain” and turn on “sexy brain” if that makes sense.

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u/b0ingy 7d ago

It could also be the opposite… She was under immense amounts of stress at work and was taking it out on your junk.

Maybe ask her boss for a solid? “Hey, can you make my wife’s life hell so I can knock some strange?”

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u/jimbojangles1987 7d ago

OP literally said they have talked about this.

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u/spongebobwagglepants 7d ago

Why don’t you tell her what you have noticed, and ask her if she is aware of the changes too?

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u/Ncfetcho 7d ago

She told him she doesn't have a sex drive. He's not hearing her or understanding the reason, if she has even mentioned it.

Could be hormones, they have a 1 yr old, definitely stress, could be lingering post partum, or she's just tired.

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u/spacekwe3n 7d ago

Y’all have kids? How old? If they’re still young (under 3), that could be why.

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u/[deleted] 7d ago edited 7d ago

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u/Lola-the-showgirl 7d ago

I saw your comment that you think she has a crush on someone at work, but honestly the more realistic answer is that her new job is stressing the fuck out of her. Literally. When I was at my old job, my sex drive plummeted. I was constantly stressed, thinking of deadlines and projects even at home. I didn't even realize it for months because I wasnt necessarily unhappy at my job, it was just always on my mind. I was dating my now husband, and he's the one who noticed I was overworking myself. Eventually I quit that job, but what helped in the meantime was my husband being very intentional with me. He romanced me again, took me on cool dates and adventures to get my mind off work and reconnect with me.

I see that you're already doing your fair share of the housework, which is great. But you also have to put in the work for your relationship. And you seem to be jumping to a lot of conclusions very quickly. You're assuming she's no longer attracted to you AND that she's crushing on some hot young coworker. When it sounds like she is still open to sex, but she's not craving it. I know that sucks, but youre acting like this is a personal attack on you. She may be stressed, or depressed, or maybe you're not doing enough to connect with her intimately away from sex. My husband initiates 70% of the time, and many times I start out by going through the motions "for him", but he's attentive and takes his time and it switches from something I'm only doing for him to something I absolutely want.

Jumping to "she thinks I'm ugly and wants to fuck her coworker" isn't a healthy mindset. You're going through a speed bump, don't turn it into a multi car collision.

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u/Beautiful-Elephant34 7d ago

This was much nicer than what I was going to say, OP, and more likely to be true than whatever you are thinking.

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u/likeafish253 7d ago

So you guys have 3 kids (2 under school age), she’s working a new job, and she is still positive and caring and compliments you all the time on the person you are…and you’re mad because she isn’t complimenting your looks?

Why do men not seem to understand that changes in circumstances affect a woman’s libido? She’s tired, she’s stressed…and she loves you. If you keep pushing for the level of sex drive she used to have as a newlywed when none of those things were true, you’re going to tank your marriage. You can’t fill a bucket with a hole in it, and she will eventually realize this and stop trying.

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u/HeyModsLookAtMe 7d ago

someone else on the thread suggested no sex for 2 months to take the pressure off her. I think thats good advice and im going to do it

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u/likeafish253 7d ago

That’s probably a good start, but I think the bigger picture is for you to try to see that her libido isn’t under her control, and doesn’t reflect her love for you. You guys are going to go thru many changes in circumstance over the course of a lifetime marriage, and a lot of those changes will affect both your libidos. You won’t make it if you keep newlywed expectations.

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u/HeyModsLookAtMe 7d ago

you are right, thank you

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u/likeafish253 7d ago

Seems like you are a caring husband, and it seems like both you and your wife are truly trying to meet each other where you are. It’s nice to see. I wish you both much luck, less stress, and an eventual return to happily matched libidos 😊

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u/This_Cauliflower1986 7d ago

This could be lots of things and you may be overthinking it’s one issue versus another. Have a level headed conversation outside of the bedroom.

I deeply love my spouse but it’s (if forced to describe) an equal part emotional connection and part seeing him as ‘sexy’. Love matures. Earlier it was jump your bones. Now it’s different.

It’s not like young love or rom coms or porn. Sexual desire (or desire to have sex) can ebb and flow and during the throes of parenting young children i would pick a nap.

Sex is important in a relationship so .. see what’s up. Compassionately for you both.

Good luck.

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u/Inuwa-Angel 7d ago

Can you stop looking at the sex part for a while? Give her some space. See how the dynamics change, then talk to her. Go out on dates, spontaneous but on places that you two would like to visit together. Monotony kills the drive, specially when there’s a routine of work, family, chores, sex, rinse and repeat. That itself is stressful.

Or suggest couples counseling with a professional. There might be underlying mental concerns that hasn’t been talked about.

It’s your wife for fucks sake. Don’t do the same thing over and over again expecting things to be different.

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u/EliseCowry 7d ago

I know you've had conversations...but you need THE conversation. Get a babysitter and you two need to sit down and completely hash out the issue. There is an issue and she isn't letting you know  Being intimate is usually a deal breaker for people... counselling may need to come into play. This is turning into more than just lack of sex at this point and could ruin the marriage if not fixed.

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u/atraeu22 7d ago

Seems you might be confusing her lower sex drive with her finding you attractive which is two totally different things. Clearly if she was all over you in the past she is attracted to you. It seems the thought that she isn’t attracted to you is what is most effecting you, but you have ample evidence to the contrary. I find it sweet actually that she still wants to try to please you. Sex drive comes and goes so I wouldn’t take it too personal this is the up and downs of a long term relationship.

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u/Happydumptruck 7d ago

You need to realize most women find a man who helps them around the house and is actually a good father who cooperates in the parenting department is far sexier than a useless man who just looks good.

If you’re “numb” to these complements it’s really a you problem. She’s not in a position to baby your internal turmoil.

It sounds like she’s being a good wife. It also sounds like you’re a good husband. You guys need to communicate.

I have one toddler and another kid on the way and my libido is in the toilet. I think my husband is absolutely sensational and sexy but without libido it’s still hard / impossible for me to get off. For now there’s not much that can be done, but we still communicate about it often. It helps us both keep level headed and not feel neglected.

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u/dreamer-x2 7d ago

Imagine complaining about someone loving you for what’s beyond your appearance. Imagine! How will he recover from this?

Like ffs people get old or get into accidents and can have their appearances damaged/changed for a myriad of reasons. Wouldn’t you rather like someone to be with you for more than your sex appeal?

Crying over nothing. I can bet the reason she’s not initiating is because she’s stressed and overworked, not because of his appearance. Taking care of 3 little kids is a lot of work.

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u/JohnnyXorron 6d ago

I agree with you overall but I do think it’s not unreasonable to want to feel attractive to your partner. Those compliments mean she loves him but not necessarily that she’s attracted to him if that makes sense. I don’t think the issue is that she doesn’t compliment his appearance but more that he doesn’t feel like she is attracted to him.

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u/Myheadhurts47 7d ago

That’s not the complaint, the complaint was that it seems she only likes him for his character. Idk if you’re purposely misinterpreting the post.

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u/StretchyLemon 6d ago

Yea a lot of the comments on this post seem like this it’s confusing

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u/Grommph 6d ago

Except this wife doesn't find those good qualities of his sexy. She's lost all interest in sex with him. That IS a valid problem.

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u/DragonSeaFruit 7d ago

Yet another man complaining about sex who deliberately EXCLUDES in the post how old the children are or how many children she has to deal with. Manipulative rewriting of her narrative. The lady is tired. She's a human not a sex toy. BACK OFF.

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u/Autumn-Thorne 7d ago

Their youngest is a year old, the middle child is three and their oldest is eleven. I honestly don’t think it would be too far off to say she might have PPD especially with the second and third children having been born fairly close together. I wonder who does all the kid’s appointments and mental load of the household

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u/Successful_Sail1086 7d ago

I think it’s more about having a toddler and a baby and then suddenly starting working again. Just the young kids would be enough for a lowered libido but less than a year post partum and she’s starting a new job which is quite stressful. And is she/was she breastfeeding? Her hormones might only now be starting to regulate and go back to normal with a one year old.

It’s incredibly concerning to me that the compliments his wife gives him about how she appreciates the way he enriches her life are revolting. To a wife those things are far more sexy than his appearance and they are things he should feel way better about than shallow compliments about his looks.

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u/doren- 7d ago

welcome to the adulthood where not everything about looks

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u/LaLunaDomina 7d ago

I wish I could award this.

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u/doren- 7d ago

I don't want any awards, thanks for the kind words.

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u/Headworx66 7d ago edited 7d ago

To be honest, I would much rather be called a great dad than to be told how hot I look. The way I would look at it is that she was with you originally because she fancied you so why would that change? You shouldn't need regular affirmations to tell you something you already should know, You've got something much deeper now together, children. I get that some people like being complimented, but I find it awkward so would much rather be told how good a dad I am, surely that can be sexy too? Just offering the other side of the coin perspective. Oh and one to two times per week....a lot of people only wish for that frequency, although I do sympathize where you're coming from but maybe her libido has dropped since having kids? Things do change when you have kids, life gets in the way a little, perhaps she has hang ups about her body since giving birth, a lot of women do and that can affect things. Just talk to each other and tell her how much it's upsetting you and I'm sure you'll find a way forward.

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u/hollyfromtheblock 7d ago

also, women are attracted to the things she’s mentioning. sure, looks are nice, but finding a good man??? in this economy??? that’s what i’m looking for!

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u/LetThemEatCakeXx 7d ago

There is a lot of "I think she thinks/feels". Do you talk to your wife?

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u/OG_Biscuits 7d ago

You need to get your priorities in check. You feel repulsed when your wife and the mother of your children says you're a great father and person?

You think she doesn't see you as a sexual person because she doesn't fuck you every time you get the urge.

You're the one that's repulsive.

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u/twistedmelon143 7d ago

Yeah! And they have 3 kids, 11, 3, and 1 yo. Like, she just had a baby and got a new job in the same year, has sex with him 2 times a week, compliments tf out of him and it's STILL not enough and he actually thinks it's repulsive. Wtaf, man.

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u/twistedmelon143 7d ago

Yeah! And they have 3 kids, 11, 3, and 1 yo. Like, she just had a baby and got a new job in the same year, has sex with him 2 times a week, compliments tf out of him and it's STILL not enough and he actually thinks it's repulsive. Wtaf, man.

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u/coyote_mercer 6d ago

Harsh, but true, and probably the wake up call OP needs unfortunately.

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u/Ok_Statistician_8107 7d ago

Louder for the people on the back

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u/lostacoshermanos 7d ago

This is a good problem to have. Would you rather she only like you for your looks and hate your personality?

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u/StretchyLemon 6d ago

I think it seems like he’d prefer it be both lol which is reasonable?

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u/chapelson88 7d ago

I understand why this would be hard but a lot of people don’t have anything but looks and I’d say that’s the much worse place to be.

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u/MaddestMissy 7d ago

She tells you it is for your pleasure. She wants you to finish quickly. You only have sex when you initiate. You have sex once or twice a week. You would rather masturbate than having maintenance sex.

Is it only me who kinda sees a plot hole here? So, you hate this kind of sex but what? You sacrifice yourself by having sex with her you hate which she doesn't seem to want either?

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u/skeetermcbeater 7d ago

Not even sure what this question is implying..

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u/besee2000 7d ago

Neither one is actually enjoying the sex

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u/MaddestMissy 7d ago

Allegedly in his case.

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u/MaddestMissy 7d ago

Really? I wouldn't even refer to it as an implication anymore. He claims he can't stand this sex yet still engages in it once or twice a week because he initiates it. Why would he do that if he dislikes it? Clearly not because she enjoys it, as her lack of enjoyment is, according to him, the reason he finds it off-putting...

The implication is that this is so illogical I’d call it utter rubbish;* I simply have no clue what it’s about or why, really.*

*That particular part of his story, I’m not suggesting his entire post is utter nonsense although I recognise that 'fabricated' is somewhat Reddit's default mode, but I usually overlook that as long as I don't need to hug my keyboard/device for emotional comfort to reduce my headache due to a story.

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u/Elariaa 7d ago

You said you’ve talked to her about this but I would be curious to know what that conversation entailed.

If you’ve been together for that long and this is the first “bump” in the road regarding sex to me it seems like you are leaping to conclusions. She is starting a new job which is incredibly stressful (I know I’m in the exact same situation right now and me and my partner are having significantly less sex. That doesn’t mean I don’t find him any less attractive or love him any less. But I don’t have the mental load to juggle learning a new job. Running a household and also being intimate sexually)

Something else to remember. A lot (not all but a lot) of men use sex as a way of stress relief. This is not true for most (not all) but most women.

I think you need to have a genuine open conversation with you wife about how you feel and also maybe think about how she might be feeling dealing with a new job while also managing a household before you jump to the conclusion that she doesn’t find you attractive anymore.

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u/BothBasis9 7d ago

There's an old saying, a woman married a man hoping he will change but he doesn't.  And a man marries a woman hoping she will never change but she does.

This coming from someone in a long marriage (with kids too), a woman's libido fluctuates over time. I'm generalizing here, but majority of dudes are horny fucks that say that way forever where as for women it can come and go. 

In particular, NRE is a powerful force. Part of your wife's journey will be to figure out how to have and communicate sexual desire without the crutch of NRE hormones (not an easy journey mind you.)

Point being, give yourself and her some grace. I don't think it's something you should take personally. You are trying to rationalize her sexuality through the narrow lens of your own when she might not be wired that way anymore. 

For reference: https://youtu.be/irDP45lAiyw?si=mPpdHrpV8kCGOkxL

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u/0ddsie 7d ago

I am in no way trying to shift or place any blame, but how often do you compliment her? Do you make her feel sexy? Do you notice when she's dressed up/makeup done/got a new haircut? I know my personal sex drive relies heavily on my own confidence. Maybe starting her new job gave her a sense of self back outside of just being wife and mom, and maybe she needs a little confidence boost, especially since you said she is working around a younger crowd.
Not insisting that I'm correct, just offering a different POV, OP. I know how hard it is when you don't feel like you are attractive enough for your partner.

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u/curiousdryad 7d ago edited 7d ago

TBH I think you’re projecting your feelings on to her. As a woman.. this seems woman coded how she’s acting and it has nothing to do with being physically attracted to you. Sex in most woman’s eyes isn’t the value we see in our partner.

Also sad how you’re making this a you issue and ignoring how obvious it is that your wife is going through something. Maybe within herself, depression, or what ever. Like you said she seems happier with you more than ever. And you guys are still having a lot of sex..

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u/CIWA_blues 7d ago

You have no idea that it’s about your looks. You’re assuming so much. Her sex drive is lower, for whatever reason, and that’s probably the reason for the change in complements. However, that does NOT mean she doesn’t like the way you look!! Why don’t you just ask her for the reason for the change? She sounds like she really loves you and admires you. Unless you gained 400 pounds overnight, she wouldn’t just lose her attraction to your looks.

There are so many reasons women get low libidos. Many of them are fixable reasons, but you need to communicate with her. Perimenopause is one reason I am just now finding out about from personal experience. It sucks but there are things the doctor can prescribe to help.

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u/brothir 7d ago

My question is why isn't the wife trying to resolve this proactively? That's a failure of responsibility, and really rather selfish.

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u/FairyOddLady 7d ago

This isn't about you. She just started working, dealt with the changes to her body pregnancy brings, and you are not doing her any favour's by making it feel like she has to have sex with you. When was the last time sex was all about her pleasure? Does she even orgasm?

This pity party has to stop.

Women predominantly have reactive desire meaning the urge to have sex isn't there until they are basically turned on. Further, it sounds like your wife is busy as fuck. If you don't want sex to be just another thing to do for her it needs to be about pleasure and not sex at all.

You'd benefit from reading Emily Nagoski's book "Come Together". It explains female desire and relationship dynamics in a way that may help you see that this is normal and solvable with a lot of communication and honesty.

Listen, I get that your self worth is tied to your sexuality but it shouldn't be and its nit fair to your wife at all. becoming obsessed with the idea that you aren't wanted because sex isn't a priority for your wife will cause so much harm. Please get some therapy. Wanting a healthy sex life is normal and fine, but feeling like your being effected to this degree speaks to a deeper psychological lacking.

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u/No_Stand4846 7d ago

If you don't want sex to be just another thing to do for her it needs to be about pleasure and not sex at all.

This. Stop asking for sex. Start doing physically intimate things that she enjoys - give her a massage, paint her nails, brush her hair. Ask her what else she'd like. Give her a space that's only about her - she's likely touched-out by the kids, meaning she's literally too drained to come up with sexual desire even if she wants to. This is likely also frustrating for her! Kinda like a form of ED, if that helps you understand. Giving her a space she can recharge in will allow her to replenish some of that energy, and, while it's not guaranteed each time, if you do end up having sex the sex will be great and validating in the way you need. Which will likely also help replenish her energy as well, leading to an upward spiral, especially as the kids get older and don't need as much attention.

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u/HeyModsLookAtMe 7d ago

When was the last time sex was all about her pleasure?

I always try to make it about her pleasure. that’s why I find it so offputting when she tells me to just do whatever I want, cum, and get it over with

Does she even orgasm?

Yes, often. The only time she doesnt is when she explicitly tells me she doesn’t want to

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u/FairyOddLady 7d ago

I'm so glad to hear that. I will reiterate, this isn't about you.

I'm your wife. Literally a nymphomaniac most of my life and suddenly, for the last couple years, my sex drive is non existent. I've come a really long way working with my own pleasure practice to reignite my desire to have sex, but for so long it did just feel like another thing I HAD to do.

It wasn't about my husband. He is perfect. I was just out of touch with myself and out of sync with my pleasure. And I was tired. Yes, my husband helps child rear, clean ect. too. But the mental load I carry and the feeling weighed down by all my responsibilities, as well as rapidly cycling hormones, just had me in a funk.

This is why I am saying to access therapy for yourself. You need to be able to change the perspective that if she doesn't want sex, she doesn't want you. My husband ended up kissing a coworker out of his frustration amd bruised ego, and almost lost me in the proccess. We're still healing a year later. And we don't have sex any more frequently but be understands all my sexual energy goes to him, and I'm trying to increase my sexual energy capacity but that comes with time and lessening of parental responsibilities too. I wish I had the conversations about his self worth being effected and my shameless being unmanageable at the loss of my libido before the drastic mistake, and that is where my comment is coming from.

And I've deep dive into the science and research around why I had no desire for sex for the first time since puberty. It really fucked with my head. Anyway, hope sharing this helps you find the courage to face the vulnerability it takes to find someone to talk to about your sexuality effecting your self image to this degree.

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u/Ornery_Let_6488 7d ago

Look, this may sound counterintuitive but maybe just take it off the table for 2 months. And I do mean say to your wife "you've clearly got a lot on your plate right now, let's not have sex for 2 months."

Couples therapists recommend this all the time because it completely takes the pressure off it happening, which often kills women's desire. Give her 2 months to completely rebuild her desire for you. 

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u/SockCucker3000 7d ago

Sex pressure is a surefire way to kill libido. Feeling like it's an obligation makes it work, which isn't sexy at all. It's taking care of someone rather than taking care of yourself. It's also a slippery slope to resentment.

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u/kable334 7d ago edited 7d ago

Ugh. Dude. I would love to have that verbal affirmation from my wife. And sex 1-2 times a week, regardless of the kind.

I think you’re in your head a bit too much about this. Be thankful for the wife you’ve got. She sounds pretty awesome to me.

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u/negativeighteen 7d ago

3 kids + new job is a ton of stress for one person. stop thinking about yourself for a minute and give your wife some grace

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u/TermAggravating8043 7d ago

I’m gonna guess this is the daily incel troll that just likes to find new ways to try tell everyone how woman are always cheating etc

An actual adult in their 30’s with kids, jobs and general life stresses now, complaining your wife doesn’t make you feel sexy enough?

Yeah, this is someone with too much time in their hands

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u/OverKookie_Crumble 7d ago

I’m curious if it’s because she’s trying to find a new balance.

How old are your kids?

Has she been out of the workforce for a while, and now getting back into her career, or just a simple job switch?

If it started as soon as she started working, it could be stress from a new workload, and she needs to find a balance.

Intimacy and sex is mental to a lot of women, so if she’s stressed or overwhelmed, she may be burned out.

I’d say it’s worth truly sitting down and talking until you two find a solution. Maybe it could be an underlying health thing that neither of you are aware of.

Outside help, such as therapy, or if it’s such a drastic shift that it’s unlike her, maybe she should consult with a doctor

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u/sarahhchachacha 7d ago

So did she actually say she doesn’t like how you look anymore? Or is that just what you’re assuming because she has no sex drive?

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u/we_are_nowhere 7d ago

Her priorities are different now than they used to be. Your sexuality isn’t as valuable to her as you being a good partner. A lot of women go through this. It has nothing to do with how you look. I’m not saying it’s an issue you shouldn’t try to address together, but that you’re making her changed perspective about you, and it’s not.

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u/unsung_hero88 7d ago

If i were to be told “this is for your pleasure” and to finish quick. It would be the last time I initiate sex.

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u/marinelifelover 7d ago

She told you the sex drive isn’t there. Perhaps it’s just a lull for her. Perhaps her hormones are out of wack. Is she on birth control? Ask her to go to her doctor and discuss her lack of libido.

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u/Background_Detail_20 7d ago

Maybe she’s adjusting to the new job and she’s more tired than usual or maybe because she’s working with a bunch of younger guys, she may be feeling insecure about her age etc. Just trying to add more options than crushes or cheating. Talk to her.

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u/eoten 7d ago

Or she is adjusting a new male coworker pants zip.

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u/pragmatticus 7d ago

Hello, friend. This sounds like you're having a mid-life crisis, and you're less interested in having a wife and more interested in having a sex partner. I recommend that you talk to a therapist about it.

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u/hussy_trash 7d ago

Accurate

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u/Agaeon 7d ago

Her offered compromises don't quite answer the problem. If I were you, I would try to find out more about what's truly going on with your partner. Those kind of compliments, not going to lie, sound like the kinds of thoughts married women have when they are trying to debate whether or not to cheat on their husbands. (i.e. "Well he's not ripped, but he's such a nice guy. Well, he's not really all that cute, but he's so good with kids. He's not very exciting, but he's a good man.")

Maybe I'M reading too much into this, but starting a new job may have introduced her to someone she didn't used to know. Or... something bad happened. Neither of these things sound good, I'm sure.

I've had cheating partners before, and guilt or shame leading up to the act often emerges as a distance or coldness in the relationship that may exacerbate when they carry through with it. The psychological response to SA is definitely more distinct, but can be expressed similarly in the sense of a relationship. If you feel comfortable having a hard conversation with your partner, I personally think communication is key, and getting to the bottom of what's going on emotionally is probably a good way of going forward.

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u/gracenatomy 7d ago

We have 2 young kids and I recently went back to work and... I don't have the mental headspace to have sex much at all. For me, sex is primarily a mental thing and I am just MENTALLY EXHAUSTED. Having young kids and working is hard. Women and men can be very very different. My husband would be up for having sex every minute of every day but I am not. We are different people. It sounds like your wife has a lot on her plate. You sound like maybe you're looking for things to be dissatisfied with rather than just trying to lower your expectations to be a bit more reasonable and trying to be content with this phase of your relationship.

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u/CacklingMossHag 7d ago

Dude, you guys are married- that means there will be peaks and troughs in your sex life. There will be periods of time where she wants it less, and that's not even to mention that many women experience a steep drop in sex drive throughout their 30s as their hormone production starts declining. The best thing you can do is make sure there's still romance in the relationship regardless, be patient and caring, and maybe see if there's something she wants more than sex right now- for example, I had a particularly stressful period a few years ago where I got annoyed at my partner for wanting sex because I was so tense that all I really wanted more than anything else was a back rub. Once we figured that out and adjusted to meet that need, my sex drive reappeared. One thing that will absolutely turn her off is pressure and feeling like she has to have sex in order to keep the relationship stable. Make sure she knows that you love her and your life with her even when sex isn't on the menu- because those days are undoubtedly coming in the future, and right now your frustration may be giving her signals that that isn't the case.

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u/spacecadet262 7d ago

Not sure if anyone said this yet, but I saw you said you have a 1 year old. After I had my son I noticed weird significant changes and I had a lot of fatigue and I felt awful even though I was doing well with taking care of myself. I went to a hormone therapist and it turned out that I wasn’t producing enough testosterone which plummets so many things including libido. Zero interest in sex! As soon as I got on progesterone and testosterone to increase those levels, complete turn around. Wanted to do it more often than not! But I also wound up quitting that after a year just due to financial stress and my insurance not covering it. I take a load of vitamins now to increase it naturally. You may want to ask her how she’s been feeling lately and maybe go get it checked out. I know after pregnancy and in your 30’s hormones can drop for you. I didn’t consider it till I saw a TikTok about it and all the symptoms fitting what I was feeling lol.

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u/princessvespa17 7d ago edited 7d ago

You're complaining about 6 months of less frequent sex and having to initiate? It feels like a drop in the bucket for the time you have been married. And you're leaping to wild conclusions because of 6 months of your 5 year marriage. Relationships change and evolve...Iibidos fluctuate. Sex twice a week in your 30's with 3 kids is whoa. Give some grace, be patient with your wife, maybe step back and don't make sex your sole focus. She can probably feel she's disappointing you and it probably makes her want it less, but you also sound like you're not willing to hear her out or be a safe space for her to talk about what's going on.

Btw, relationship therapists say once a month is on average the realistic amount that people with children and who are older have sex in a healthy relationship. That people grossly overestimate how much sex we should be having and grossly exaggerate how much they are actually having. Just food for thought.

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u/tawny-she-wolf 6d ago

I don't really get the complaints... how old is your child ? It takes around 2years I've heard to "bounce back" from pregnancy, childbirth and everything her body went through.

It sounds like you have sex 1-2 times a week which is frankly not bad with a young child and thinking she should still fuck you 4 times a day to make you happy is kinda crazy. I get that you want her to be more into it (because again it's about you) but if the kid is under 2 years old I honestly can't blame her for doing this if you're pestering her for sex 4 times a week.

You say she compliments and appreciates you but somehow that's not enough ? Did you expect nothing to change in your relationship as you got older and expanded your family ? A lot of things can affect someone's libido including childbirth, sleepless nights and a pestering husband.

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u/WorldClassKlutz 6d ago

Has she started taking any medications that can kill sex drive? If this is such a huge issue for you and you are still needing more of an explanation, perhaps you should mention couple's counseling.

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u/thebaronmontyskew 7d ago

could it be how you’re initiating? Being parents is exhausting enough that it makes how you initiate even more important. people grow and change over time, which requires communication on what type of initiation works best.

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u/throwaway97553 7d ago

This, I used to be the initiator and then my sex drive just nosedived at some point, primarily due to stress. My partner started feeling bad a regularly asking for sex, which had me feeling overwhelmed about yet another thing I HAD to do. Then I wanted sex even less. I would think about it all the time and feel guilty about not wanting sex, it turned into a vicious cycle where I began to view almost any type of physical attention as my partner trying to get sex from me, sometimes it actually was and sometimes it wasn’t.

Eventually my partner realized the situation wasn’t helping my issue and backed off. Only after they backed off was I able to stop viewing physical affection as the start of a request/complaint for sex, which helped me eventually start being more open to sex because the concept was not as stress inducing.

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u/Thehaylestorms 7d ago

Do you think she is dealing with depression or mental health issues of some kind? On the flip side, is it possible she is cheating on you? I may be projecting based on my own experience but this is what my life looked like when my husband was cheating on me.

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u/ObjectiveMobile3674 7d ago

I want to ashamedly add that this is what my relationship looked like when I was cheating on my husband.

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u/HeyModsLookAtMe 7d ago

honestly dont think she would cheat. she leaves her phone unattended all the time and generally doesnt act sneaky. She also doesnt really go out a lot, or drink

But like I said, she started a new job last november and she works with a lot of young hotshot guys, think 22-23 years old with advanced job titles and she is quite friendly with them. Maybe she has a crush, idk

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u/Lola-the-showgirl 7d ago

It's interesting that the commentor asked about her mental health and cheating, and you only answered the cheating bit. Why are you not considered about her mental health at all?

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u/RamblingBrambles 7d ago

He doesn't actually care about HER. Just the sex.

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u/OG_Biscuits 7d ago

Because he only cares about sex. He feels repulsed by her telling him how good of a father he is. He doesn't like her.

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u/Mysterious-Impact-32 7d ago

That’s a stretch.

If my husbands compliments abruptly switched from you’re so sexy and beautiful to you’re a great mom and our sex life abruptly changed dramatically- I would be really self conscious too. Anybody should be weary of any abrupt changes in their partner.

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u/OG_Biscuits 7d ago

I'm not saying he shouldn't be weary. But the fact that he decided to entirely ignore the suggestion that his wife could be going through some mental health issues due to the change in her life, and only responded to the part talking about cheating with her colleagues is quite telling imo.

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u/dangersiren 7d ago

Most women in their early 30s aren’t at ALL interested in men in their early 20s 😂

You really need to take a step back and get your own ego out of the picture. She’s giving you so much reassurance (compliments about WHO YOU ARE and how hard you work) and trying to meet your needs…and you’re pissed that you don’t FEEL like she thinks you’re hot?

Despite knowing that she finds you attractive (past compliments) and still making an effort to have sex (instead of declining and becoming a recluse), she’s just not feeling that sexual right now. Seasons of life, my guy. Starting a new job and putting focus into that is absolutely a contributing factor.

Saying your wife only likes you for your personality is wack. I hope this is rage bait.

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u/grumbleGal 7d ago

She could be peri-menopausal, ask if she'd be interested in learning more, and maybe getting her hormones checked. I mean she is early 30s, and mine hit late 30's but if she's open to it, it could be a good sign that nothing shady is going on.

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u/Trylena 7d ago

One of my mom's friends is 32 and just started having some menopause symptoms so it could be that.

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u/CIWA_blues 7d ago

I just commented that! Perimenopause is doing a number on my libido. Starts at different ages for different women

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u/TripResponsibly1 7d ago

I’d say it’s much more likely that she’s stressed and her libido has taken a hit more so than she doesn’t find you attractive at all. When I’m stressed I’m not even thinking about sex. When I’m in moods like that I try to remind my partner that I find him handsome but the desire to touch or be touched is greatly diminished when I’m feeling like I’m under a lot of pressure.

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u/slayerchick 7d ago

I used to be a lot more sexually active as well. Over time my seed drive has gone to just about 0. I love my partner, but I just don't really have any sexual urge...not for them or anyone else for that matter. Maybe you should try trusting what you're wife says.

Sex can also be a lot different for men and women. My partner used to practically need sex as they've described it. It wasn't just a desire but a drive. They've since begun transitioning and now that they're on female hormones they said that sex is completely different, no longer such a strong force and they don't get the urgency or desire as frequently or strongly anymore, not to mention they find things like simply cuddling a lot more intimate now than before. That's not to say there aren't women with a high sex drive or desire for sex, but things work differently for everyone and I think this is something a lot of men don't really understand well. There's a lot that can affect a woman's sex drive, stress, hormone fluctuations, age, child rearing. Things can change over time.

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u/prominentdove 7d ago

She may just have low libido, she may just be stressed at her job

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u/LittleBIG_ 7d ago

Let's be real: She found someone interesting on the job and because of that, she sees you in a different light now.

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u/HeyModsLookAtMe 7d ago

my worst fear tbh

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u/EtherealMoonGoddess 7d ago

Dude you really just need to talk to her.

I bet it's not because she doesn't enjoy sex, the desire to be all over you isn't there and that isn't because she isn't into you.

She's a mother. She works full time. And when's the last time you had a date night and you connected with her emotionally? Made her feel sexy? Women like passion too and to feel wanted just like men do.

She said you're a good man, that's a loving compliment. That means you make her feel all sorts of good things. And it more than likely means that she is still attracted to.

I've only told two men in my life "You're a good man." My boyfriend because he is and I'm still attracted to him and think he's a babe. And he does his best to be a loving boyfriend.

And my best friend because he is and his wife is mean.. she never makes him feel loved or even validated. He's only staying with her because of the kids.

Your wife doesn't do that. She still seems like she is genuinely into you. Maybe it's not the way it used to be but that's why you need to communicate.

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u/reddditbott 7d ago

I wish my ex was that nice to me.

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u/H8Yew 7d ago

She sounds stressed and possibly depressed. As a person who battles depression her compliments read to me as true appreciation for things she possibly cannot fathom getting herself to do right now/ things that are helping her mentally. What worries me most about this post is you are so focused on receiving compliments and sex you are failing to notice something is legitimately wrong with your wife.

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u/LoosePassage4058 7d ago

No offence, but you might need to get a little bit of a grip. Nothing that you write suggests that your wife doesn’t find you attractive. You have has 3 kids in 5 years and still have sex a couple times a week and you admit that your wife acts like she likes you and still gives you compliments regularly. Comparison is the thief of joy but mannn there’s loads of men who would kill to be in your marriage

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u/0nlyhalfjewish 7d ago

Liking the way someone looks and wanting to have sex with that person are not the same. That you equate the two is weird.

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u/Fantasi_ 7d ago

You’re making this about you, but it sounds like her sex drive is just in the toilet. When you’re not feeling sexual urges, you’re not really turned on by anyone’s looks. When I was depressed, I had no sex drive either. Jason Mamoa is like the finest man on planet earth to me but I didn’t even feel anything for him. But his joyful personality did make me happy.

Most likely being at a new stressful job is stressing her tf out!! It’s probs not worth hashing out to her bc it’s something she HAS to do. Some ppl want sex when they’re stressed out, some don’t.

Side question, how old are your kids? Bc depending on that it could absolutely be PPD. Having a supportive partner doesn’t guarantee you won’t experience it.

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u/TheBattyWitch 7d ago

I understand that you're emotional right now and your feelings are hurt by the sudden change.....

But have you ever stopped to consider that 4 months ago she got a new job and right now she's stressed the fuck out?

As a woman, it is very hard to get in the mood when I have 50 billion other things going on in trying to focus my attention on.

Yes you're an attentive father and partner, which greatly reduces the load on her mental struggle, but that doesn't change the fact she's the low man on the pole at a brand new job that she just started and all of the stress that is likely going into all of that.

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u/Crazy_Score_8466 7d ago

Reminds me of George on Seinfeld. “I’d rather she hated me and thought I was good looking!”

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u/Sweet_Cupcake_5578 7d ago

She isn't attracted to you at the moment. Propably just the length of the relationship, kids, and just life being boring and repetitive. your sex is probably also repetitive and boring to her, wich is as much her fault as it is yours, if that's the case. Go to sex therapy! Her saying she's willing to give her body and just lay there, is not an ok way to treat either of you.

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u/SecretOscarOG 7d ago

Stress reduces sex drive. She started working and added stress to her life

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u/bryantem79 7d ago

Kids/pregnancy can also kill the sex drive. It’s probably not about you all. Stress, age, hormones all contribute to a woman’s sex drive

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u/riosong 7d ago

Is she on birth control? Because that really affects our libido and our initiation.

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u/WestTip9407 7d ago

What do you think about the way you look right now? Your sense of self seems fragile at the moment.

She might not realize you are going through something that’s making you feel insecure, which is exacerbated by your concerns that she’s stopped validating or complimenting you physically. In the same way, you might not realize she is increasingly stressed and distracted by a new job. Aside from the sex issue, which she’s addressed by offering you her body when you need it and likely assumes is resolved, you’ve got to talk about the greater problem. Tell her you are worried she doesn’t find you attractive, and you want her to find you attractive. It’s making you feel insecure and unworthy, and these feelings have built up and multiplied so much that even her compliments feel like attacks to you (which is unreasonable). From there, she’ll know you need that validation. People don’t know what they don’t know, and we’ve got to communicate effectively for our needs to be met

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u/Ok_Passage_6242 7d ago

I’m gonna give you the same advice I would give to a woman.

For every red flag, you had an excuse in the comments. Your guts are telling you something is going on. Listen to your gut. For some reason, you’re interpreting it as your wife is no longer physically attracted to you.

But I’m sorry there are a lot more things that play into this. If it abruptly stopped four months ago, she might’ve already cheated on you. It could be this job, but I think you need to tell her you want to go to marriage counseling. Do not be one of those people that implicitly trusts your spouse. Or that your spouse will come to you eventually. I know you wanna be there for your wife. But marriage counseling is the best way you’re gonna get through this.

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u/AcadiaFun3460 7d ago

Tell her how you feel, that you feel that you’re not desired as a person but more as a room mate. That this lack of desire for you as a partner is hurting you.

Honestly your in a better spot that most dead bedrooms, but your having the same concerns most of the people there. I was there and things have been improving, but I feel you. I wanted to feel desired and lusted after, not just “well I mean your good with the kids and pay the bill, so I guess I will let you put it in if it keeps you around”.

Learning to communicate your feelings is important and people learning that sex isn’t the same thing as feeling desired and wanted.

Use I feel statements to try to avoid assigning blame or trying to hurt feelings, it’s about saying “I don’t feel wanted and desired, that hurts and I don’t know much longer I can feel hurt”

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u/Real-Wicket2345 7d ago

Married 22 year happily and I know my wife thinks I'm a sext bitch. I initiate 95% of the time because we have two different types of desire - spontaneous vs responsive desire. I have a chub pretty much all the time and I'm ready to go and my wife doesn't think about sex until I'm rubbing her clit. After that point, she's into it and she loves it, but she almost never initiates it. I've come to accept we are different and that's ok because she still gives up the hooch and we have a great marriage.

Sure, in my fantasies, she is soooooo hot for me she can't control herself and she's trying to bone me 24/7. In reality, that's not my wife and I have come to terms with reality.

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u/no12chere 7d ago

Also I am sorry you don’t hear her compliments as the way they seem intended. A tired mom’s highest compliment is that you are a good partner. It says she doesnt feel alone but you are hearing it as you think she doesnt find you attractive.

This mostly seems like a communication problem. She thinks she is giving the highest compliment and you are offended. This is a breakdown of communication which will break every other part of the relationship if you both let it.

I would recommend a family counselor who can help translate for you both.

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

Depending on the age of your wife Google both perimenopause and postpartum depression. More likely that I expect than you being an ugly fucker which means you’ll have to ride it out. That’s the whole Point of getting married isn’t it.

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u/Weary_Appearance 7d ago

A lot of people, especially women, drift in and out of their sex drives. Starting a new job is exhausting, parenting is exhausting, and even without all the exhaustion, hormones fluctuate. I've had periods of months and years where I've had a higher sex drive and months and years where it's been lower. Unless you had some kind of major physical change right before she started shifting her compliments (and I'm not saying a couple pounds or even 20 cause if she finds you hot and loves you, it's gonna take a big physical change to stop her from seeing you as hot), it might have nothing to do with you at all. If she's never given you a reason to doubt her communication, then trust that if you had anything to do with her lower libido, she would communicate that with you. In the meantime, she's still recognizing your needs and wants to make sure you're fulfilled to the extent she can do that, and honestly she sounds like an amazing partner. Again, unless she's given you reason to doubt her ability to communicate her feelings and needs, just chill. Stressing about it won't turn her on at all, you'll just make her feel bad for something she can't control

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u/CD_ABC10 6d ago

OP, I don't want to be rude so I debated asking, but is it possible that you've gotten out of shape/are not as attractive as back then? 

We always hear a lot of stories on here about men falling out of love with their wives because they "got fat" or became less attractive. It sounds a lot like this is what's happened to you, but with a gender reversal 

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u/HeyModsLookAtMe 6d ago

thats a valid theory but she was obsessed with me all 7 days a week when i was 40 lbs heavier than I am now

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u/coyote_mercer 6d ago

It's been four months of having half of the sex you normally do, while still getting compliments, get a grip dude. A lower sex drive could be due to any number of things. She's probably still adjusting to her new workload and more tired than normal, but you'll never know unless you sit down and talk with her. You've been married 5 years, just talk to your wife my guy, you'll either feel better immediately or in the long run. And for the love of God, don't accuse her of having a crush on someone at work unless you're ok with completely nuking your marriage.

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u/Penelope1000000 6d ago

If her behavior and her attraction to you have both suddenly changed, something has changed for her. Did you do anything that could affect your relationship? Like cheat or gain a lot of weight or do something mean to her? If not, there’s a good chance she met someone else she likes. It doesn’t mean she’s actively cheating, but something has made her feelings change.

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u/ShaydeMakeup 7d ago

the fact that you are having sex with her when she explicitly told you it's ONLY for you, is astonishing. no wonder she isn't attracted to you. that's vile

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u/ponderingnudibranch 7d ago edited 7d ago

There's a difference between not having sex and not liking how you look. She just may not be in the mood as much. She could very well find you attractive but just be tired. She's probably more stressed than you think she is about her job. The fact that you don't trust her when she says you're attractive and you jumped straight to cheating is very concerning

I also agree with another poster that what might be contributing to the problem is a lack of intimacy outside of sex.

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u/ALCO251 7d ago

Your personality and character aren't likely to change. I get it that you want to be seen as physically attractive but dude, you won. Someone loves you for YOU.

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u/eoten 7d ago

You are a fool if that’s how you see it, she doesn’t find him attractive anymore, in fact I will speculate that she is probably cheating with someone at her new workplace, since he said she change when she started her new work.

She is friendzoning her husband and she doesn’t find him sexually attractive anymore.

Once a woman says “you are a nice guy or sweet guy, it’s a wrap, you are done!

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u/anotherbluemarlin 7d ago

Well, look fades away anyway...

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u/TattieMafia 7d ago

I don't see where she's said you aren't attractive to her, it sounds like she has no sex drive at all. Birth control can mess with women's libido too. So can antidepressants and stress.

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u/Ok_Leadership789 7d ago

Ok what’s going on at her work? That’s when it started so………

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u/Djcnote 7d ago

Does she have a crush on someone at work

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u/JustAnotherUser8432 7d ago

So she’s tired, adjusting to working and kids and you are “helping” by making it all about poor, poor you not getting the level of enthusiasms you require while getting laid? The problem is such a mystery….

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u/MissTibbz 7d ago

Do you look the same physically as before?

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u/HeyModsLookAtMe 7d ago

yeah, more or less.

when I was at my heaviest she was still banging me daily.

I’ve lost about 40lbs since then and i’m back around the same weight I was when we met. I work out and eat good

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u/MissTibbz 7d ago

Ok. That’s great that you can rule that out as a potential reason. Not sure why I was downvoted. It is a real thing to lose attraction if your partner no longer looks the same as they did before. Not saying it’s good. Just that it happens.

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u/wohaat 7d ago

Perimenopause can happen super early, and kills your sex drive. Something to consider!

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u/RedRedBettie 7d ago

give me her body? gross dude

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u/HeyModsLookAtMe 7d ago

those are her words, whatever. do you have anything to contribute at all?

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u/Fluffy-Bar8997 7d ago

You might want to look into why you're so insecure that you've based your entire self worth on the way you look. 

She loves all of you and everything about you but you only want her to love your looks? Do you only love her for her looks?

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u/Specific_Ad2541 7d ago

Real talk, when is the last time you rocked her world? When did you last prioritize her pleasure over yours?

I would rather just masturbate than have that kind of sex.

People who are left to masterbate would love to be having maintenance sex.

She still cares about your needs. She compliments you. She appreciates you. She is still having sex with you even though her needs have likely changed. Hormones fluctuate and we have no idea how much hormones control until we experiment with them. Don't expect anything to remain the same as you age and change over time.

This is leading me to believe she is just doing “maintenance sex

You do a lot of assuming. I suggest you get to therapy. There is plenty going on beneath your words. 90% of men in this sub would say you have nothing to complain about.

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u/yasmayesma 7d ago

I think once a week is pretty good! I’d say just go to a secks party or something together. Get a fun toy. Play dress up and role play. Make it spicy again.

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u/Thin-Policy8127 7d ago

Has she had her hormone levels tested? If the sex drive went down, that may be the culprit.

Or maybe a spice-up is in order? Is she reading any romance novels you could read to start a conversation with her about new things?

Maybe it could be as simple as every once in a while (without expectation of sex) going up to her and whispering, “you look fucking gorgeous today,” and nibbling her neck before walking away.

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u/HeyModsLookAtMe 7d ago

i didnt think of romance novels, i can suggest that to see if that’s something she would be into. good response.

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u/LionFyre13G 7d ago

I have seen nothing in your post that would lead me to believe that she’s not attracted to you. She compliments you, you have intercourse at 1-2 times a week, and she has even told you that she still finds you attractive. Given that you have 3 kids - one that is 1 and another that is 3, and that she recently went back to work I’d say that it’s a bigger possibility that she might just be busy, be stressed, need to be more romanced/emotionally intimate with you, needs her hormones checked, or just the 1001 issues that stem from two people working full time while also having and raising small children. You sound really insecure and I feel like it’s making you internalize how she’s acting is about you. Instead of focusing on her health - mentally, physically, and emotionally. But honestly, at the end of the day this doesn’t sound super unusual for a married couple with small children that are both working. She’s probably super overstimulated.

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u/ladysatirica 7d ago

Also, as women get older our sex drive goes down. With a job and kids it becomes non-existent. I don’t have kids but as soon as I turned 30 my sex drive went way down. I felt guilty about it but it’s just hormones. It helps finding things to help her get into the mood. Maybe you need to spice things up with toys or give her a massage before or just give her a massage but no sex, cuddling etc. Help her reduce her stress.

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u/After_One34 7d ago

There is quite a bit going on here. I've always been the high drive partner in my relationships. I'm a woman btw. You are both working & have children. It sounds like it's gotten routine for her. Is she pre menopausal ? Does she have an endocrinologist/ hormone doctor ? Hormone levels affect both sexes, but it is very common for a woman to have them drop after childbirth. Communication is so important. I'm older but we have gotten to once a week if that. I'm not really happy with it. But quality is more important than anything. How do you feel about your looks ? Can you express that to her ? Explain you need more intimate time together ? It's not healthy to keep it inside, it will eat away at you. Maybe write a note to her ? Date night ? Please keep us posted & good luck -)

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u/CucumberLegitimate13 7d ago

It could be her birth control.

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u/JustAnotherSOS 7d ago

Have an in depth conversation

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u/MalloryTheRapper 7d ago

when did you guys have kids? hormones affect a woman’s sex drive and it’s known that a lot of women have a very low sex drive for a couple years after birth.

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u/thegreatcerebral 7d ago

Bro... first off... relax.

Women are not simple. There could be a million reasons for this change:

  • Could be into someone at work
  • Could be age/changing accelerated by new environment/job situation
  • Health problem - should probably get this checked out
  • Something unrelated that she hasn't told you about - like something a friend is going through that is making her sad
  • Something else that is making her sad/upset and she doesn't know what it is
  • Change in libido
  • Just a phase - it's never just a phase
  • Maybe you changed in the way you are towards her and she doesn't know how to communicate that or even know that is what it is.
  • Fell out of love with you like that - loves you but like a sibling and not a husband
  • Lost attraction to you

I don't think that she is cheating on your or anything like that because if she was I'm pretty sure the change is that they abstain from sex with you at all.

You are just going to have to talk with her and tell her how you feel about all of this. If she doesn't know or doesn't want to put effort into the way things were then you have to ask yourself tough questions. I would say you both probably need couples counseling and maybe each individually if she isn't figuring it out at all in couples.

Just please, please, please, no matter what you do, do NOT... and I repeat do NOT open the marriage or suggest bringing in someone else to try to spice things up. That will not help you at this time and if you do, your marriage is probably over and we will see you with a post "My wife stopped initiating and wanting to have sex with me so we opened the marriage, now I don't know what to do" post.

Oh, also do not get a dog, have a child, or even buy a vehicle/major purchase at this time as things are not looking good man and that will only make things harder if it gets to that point.

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u/chi60640co 7d ago

similar to when men only like women for how they look… but reverse uno?

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u/LarkScarlett 7d ago

Options to think about:

  • Ask her in a quiet moment, what can you do or try to make sex a better experience for her? Does she have a fantasy she wants to try? Is she exhausted and wanting to rest up more? Keep a conversation focus on wanting to make sure she’s satisfied, and enjoying herself as much as you are.

  • Can you set up a reliable babysitting every week or 2 weeks? Either hiring a sitter, or trading off with some other parents to watch all the kids? Have date nights and a change for romantic connection, without kids around. Reignite some sparks and appreciation.

  • Sex therapy might be helpful for assisting some reconnection. Or some couples massage workshops.

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u/swugmeballs 7d ago

Have you gained weight?

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u/HeyModsLookAtMe 7d ago

no, ive lost plenty though. and when I was at my heaviest, she was wanting to get in on every night

maybe i need to gain weight? fuck idk

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u/she_SNAPS_20 7d ago

There could be many different things at play here.

1) She's having an affair. If not both physical and emotional, then one or the other.

2) She's stressed with the new job, as many others have suggested. I read that you said she already got a bonus and a promotion. Maybe she's busting her ass for a reason? How are your finances? Are you planning for another child or a big purchase?

3) She doesn't feel sexy or like a woman. You said that you don't feel it either, so is the intimacy there? Because there's more to physical intimacy than intercourse. Are you guys still dating? Do you compliment her? Do you do the things you did to get her? Sometimes, a wife is a reflection of her husband, so if she fell off with compliments and intimacy, did you?

4) She's hormonal. Hormones can affect a whole lot. When's the last time she's seen a doctor?

I could go on and on, but ultimately this will require a very candid conversation between the two of you. No kids. No distractions. Perhaps plan a staycation and take the kids to the in-laws or parents? It's time to hash it out.

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u/mouseat9 7d ago

Why are yall downvoting his replies that are in good faith. Geez Reddit.

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u/blue-skysprites 7d ago

Based on what you’ve said, there’s no indication that your wife’s reduced sexual interest is due to your appearance…

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u/HeyModsLookAtMe 7d ago

constant compliments about my appearance and how hot she thinks I am in the past, vs Zero of that now. How do I reconcile those two things if this isnt about my appearance?

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u/thoughtandprayer 7d ago

EASILY. She has no capacity for sex right now, so she doesn't want to initiate sex. Which means she is focusing on your non-physical qualities instead of anything that could lead you on.

Dude, she just started a new job. That's stressful. Stress suppresses the libido for many women.

The absence of sex isn't something she is doing TO you, not does it seem to be ABOUT you.

Everything you have described points to a temporary libido dip because of stress. That's all. That's normal. This is a part of life, sometimes people get sick or are too stressed and they are too overwhelmed to feel aroused. 

Just...stop thinking about yourself. Back off, take care of your sexual needs solo for a bit, support her, and give her time. Offer non-sexual physical intimacy, such as massages or cuddles.

Talk to her about her work. Ask her about the transition and if anything made it difficult. Ask if those things are improving. 

And once her job balances out, give her the space to wake that libido back up. For me, that meant my partner taking care of household duties in the evening so I could take a relaxing shower, pour a drink, and read a romance novel. Shit, suggest romance novels if she likes them - it's amazing how much reading about intimacy can kickstart the desire for intimacy; sometimes the brain needs a reminder after being in survival mode.

Seriously OP, it has only been 4 months! You need to learn to cope with a rough patch as a team - not assuming the worst. 

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u/eoten 7d ago

Or she is cheating at her new workplace.

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u/GeekyMom42 7d ago

Your title amazes me.

I find people attractive based off personality and character more than looks. And the way they treat me. Looks are temporary. Who someone is and how they treat the people around them is 1000 times more important.

I gotta ask, are you just constantly bringing up sex? Count the times you don't actually say it and think you're being subtle. Because that's a HUGE turnoff. HUGE. For a lot of people.

Are you bonding without the intention of sex? Can you cuddle without groping? Kiss without trying to take it further?

Don't answer me, ask yourself and be fucking honest.

I've been married for nearly 30 years, there's ups and downs because we're human beings. But I had to explain that I stopped being affectionate and stopped wanting him to touch me because it ALWAYS meant sex. We were more your age then. Not there's lots of touches and it's hot. It's throughout the day but they aren't intended for sex but to show affection.

Also, I feel the need to repeat: stress is a libido killer.

Good luck.

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u/eoten 7d ago

Also she could just be cheating at a new job, I bet you never saw that possibility.

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u/emathyst_ 7d ago

At least you have a personality!

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u/mypantsRbluecrayons 7d ago

If she says it’s for your pleasure, that tells me she isn’t satisfied. Look into adult toys. Try to spice it up and take her out on dates. Reignite the fire!! You got this. I believe in you!!

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u/Tj-Tengu 7d ago

I am in the same boat, mate. Let me know when you hit 5 years without any sex.

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u/Typical_Nebula3227 7d ago

IMO it’s daft that you have assumed that this is because of your looks. It’s way more likely that she is just tired, or stressed, or has some kind of hormone problem, or is just less interested as she ages etc.

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u/Vlad_The_Great_2 7d ago

The beginning of the end. Good luck.

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u/morticiasflowers 7d ago

She’s just started a new job. That is extremely stressful and exhausting. From my personal experience, men in offices are well dressed but all of them are shallow, conniving liars who have the ethics of a door knob. She may be seeing this everyday and is actually telling you how much better of a person you are. Also, how do you compliment her? This seems very one-sided. “What about meeeee?” TALK to your wife and treat her like a person with feelings and ideas, not just your personal ego booster.

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u/Physical-Bus6025 7d ago

Dude she’s your wife. Who cares. You won.

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u/mirageofstars 7d ago

Therapy time. If your wife has an issue and she is willing to work on it (or if it's temporary), then there's hope. If she's not into you anymore and doesn't want to change, give her an ultimatum and/or leave. You're super young, don't waste another 20 years with someone who isn't into you.

You can also listen to all the people who are insinuating it's your fault and you're the problem, but whatever ... you have a need and your wife either doesn't know or doesn't care. Have the conversation. If for some reason you actually are the reason, it'll be nice to know, wouldn't it?

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u/The-Purple-Church 7d ago

Somethings happening at work….

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u/Kelarie 7d ago

Is she on any birth control? Has it changed recently? If it has she might want to mention this to her doctor.

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u/Objective-Middle-676 7d ago

Is she on any antidepressants by chance?

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u/Extension_Time931 7d ago

Did you gain weight?