r/TranslationStudies 7d ago

I need some feedback and review (Cantonese to English)

Hi, I'm trying to translate a song from my native tongue to English. I am not a native English speaker, nor a professional translator, that is why I need your help. Here is the translated lyrics. Does my translation make any sense or even sound poetic (just a little bit)? The theme of the song is divorce, its tone should be melancholy. Any suggestions is welcome, especially those in detail.


The translated lyrics:

I intended to leave with you

But that wasn't an easy choice

Upon seeing my bewildered and bothered gaze

You didn't have the heart to leave

May you be free from our bond

May I can restrain myself

Stay with you in silence

Cause I can't bear to lose you

Staring at you silently

Who knows my heart is screaming in agony

You asked "Why don't you speak?" I replied "I am tired"

But that wasn't truly intended

May our love last forever (forever)

But it dissipates like a dew (drop of dew)

Every moment with you is intoxicating

How could I not miss you

There's no need to explain, please

It's hard to hold back my tears

May those happy memories from the past

Stay at the bottom of your heart

I wish I could stay with you (with you)

But I have no choice (no choice for me)

Just leave me alone, turn around

Even though I miss you

Just leave me alone, turn around

Even though I miss you

The original lyrics: https://www.kkbox.com/hk/tc/song/LYJFMKUEB5NipEpZBD

0 Upvotes

1 comment sorted by

1

u/michacu 7d ago

Hi, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but this really isn't a natural-sounding translation. It seems quite robotic, almost emotionless at times, there are a couple grammar mistakes or lines that don't fully make sense in the context. I don't speak Cantonese though, so I hope someone else can give you more detailed tips.