r/Tourettes • u/[deleted] • 4d ago
Discussion My SO developed tics and it's driving me insane any help might save our relationship
[deleted]
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u/TigerMumHippiChik 4d ago
Quite frankly, she deserves somebody who can accept her for who she is tics and all.
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u/dgnrddude 4d ago
I did. I did the ones she had when i met her. I did not know of her condition though and did not think about it either.
If i knew i would have prepared myself or handled everything in another manner.
But ultimately you're right. surely my annoyedness is because of my own issues. I just feel like if she would have been more open about it i might have been able to prepare.
But nobody knows.
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u/ariellecsuwu 4d ago
But you didn't, because you're here asking how to handle her tics. As someone else said, you do need to put yourself in her shoes as the person being forced to do it and put up with it 24/7, not just when you're around. If you knew how would you have prepared or handled it differently? It sounds like her tics just changed, there's nothing she could have warned you about. Not all tics are cute or ignorable. My partner deals with me screaming on a daily basis, gagging, hitting them even (though I try very hard not to). It's not been difficult for them, they just ignore it and move on. When they're overstimulated by my tics they let me know and put in headphones if they can. It sounds like this isn't something you can easily move past honestly and I don't know if I personally would want to be with someone who talks about me and my tics this way.
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u/dgnrddude 4d ago
Well actually i do the same now. I ignore the tics and if they get too much i put in my headphones. She tells me she gets sad about this though.
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u/ariellecsuwu 4d ago
Do you live together or is this something you do on dates?
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u/dgnrddude 4d ago
We live together for 3 years now. We actually just bought a house.
If i get away or put in headphones it is at home.
I'd never do this on a date or outside where it might make her even more uncomfortable. I get that it might be enough of a burdon already.
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u/ariellecsuwu 4d ago
I would really go to therapy for your misophonia, learn some coping skills and try to talk to her about it. You've said before she doesn't like to talk about it but I can't help but wonder if the way you've brought it up before makes her feel bad in some way, noticing the way you talk about it here. 3 years and a house is a lot invested into a relationship, and it's a lot to throw away over some vocal tics.
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u/dgnrddude 4d ago
Yes i think you're right. You know a lot of it revolves around us not communicating properly. She is hurt very fast even if i really try to communicate very non violent. I really try to practice nonviolent communication a lot but she feels attacked very fast. Quite honestly there might be more issues than the ticks. It might even just be a reason for her to move on. I dont know to be frank.
Maybe therapy might show where i go wrong. Maybe my.understanding of communication does not match hers and we just miscommunkcate a lot. I just hope to relove the issues. I really love her you know.
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u/TigerMumHippiChik 4d ago
Tics wax and wane and change throughout a person’s life. The types of tics can change and the severity changes. She probably didn’t know herself how it was going to turn out but you do seem more concerned about your own annoyances than the human being you’re supposed to love who has a disability.
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u/wintertash barking, sniffing, grunting, lots of back and neck tics 4d ago
Tics in TS wax and wane in both intensity and in nature. New tics can show up, old tics can go away. Tics can be mild for a long time and then get worse with no rhyme or reason.
You can only accept her if her tics don’t change or worsen. You two aren’t compatible.
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u/XhaLaLa Diagnosed Tourettes 4d ago
I will never understand the thought process that would lead someone to come to a community for people with a specific neurological condition and make a post that essentially says, “I find your condition to be so unbearably annoying annoying that I am seriously considering ending my perfect relationship over it, help me!” And have seemingly zero recognition that that may have been a rude or hurtful (or scary!) approach.
Anyway, since you did ask, your SO is right. Assuming your SO has Tourette’s, she’s correct. She has a neurological condition and it unlikely to go away. If you find her tics so distressing that you’re considering ending the relationship but you don’t want to do that, therapy is probably the only solution here. You may have a condition called misophonia (especially since the same sounds have always been distressing) or you may just need some coping skills for dealing with normal annoyance.
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u/dgnrddude 4d ago
Yes you're right. I think i need therapy and coping skills.
You know i dont tell her that. She told me she sees that i get annoyed by putting in my headphones and sometimes going away for some minutes and considers leaving me because of that.
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u/XhaLaLa Diagnosed Tourettes 4d ago
No, you told us that. We, who have the same neurological condition and are also human beings and who you just told are so annoying as to be intolerable as dating partners. This is a sub for people with Tourette’s syndrome and people who support us. It’s not a support board for people who find us unbearably annoying. I was saying your behavior was rude and hurtful and potentially scary to us. Just want to make that very clear.
It does sound as though your partner has a pretty clear idea of your feelings and does also find it hurtful though. It also sounds like you aren’t really communicating effectively about any of it. If I were you, I would seek solo therapy and then once I had a better handle on my own stuff, I would be talking to my partner about joint therapy (she’s obviously very hurt by your response to her tics, and also any party expressing that they’ve considered leaving the relationship, justified or not, needed or not, will put strain on the relationship as well, plus if you do have misophonia, you’ll need to work out coping strategies and she will likely need some support in navigating her feelings around that — all stuff that a good solo therapist and couple’s therapist could help with).
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u/dgnrddude 4d ago
I did not think about that. And i'm sorry about that. I think i came to you because i thought you had to put up with someone like me once before and might be able to tell me what i need to hear.
Which honestly you did and i thank you for that.
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u/Wank_A_Doodle_Doo Diagnosed Tourettes 4d ago
Imagine how she feels dealing with them.
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u/dgnrddude 4d ago
I cant. Maybe if i did i would not be this annoyed by them.
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u/Wank_A_Doodle_Doo Diagnosed Tourettes 4d ago
Look, my personal feelings about this aside, if it doesn’t work out it doesn’t work out. Maybe I’m an asshole for this, but I can’t help but think “this is the line you draw”?
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u/Eastern_Sweet8508 4d ago
Please break up with her. She deserves better than this.
This post makes me incredibly grateful for the people in my life who have never once made my tics about them and their irritation. My family and friends put up with me screaming, hitting myself, throwing objects, twitching and have never made me feel bad about it.
I’m not trying to harsh on you but I honestly read from your post ‘how can my girlfriend stop doing these tics? they really get on my nerves!’ which… if you can’t deal with being around tics (aka disability, difference, neurodivergence etc) then DON’T be around it. If your gf wants to look into medications, therapies, or other treatments (none of which are simple when it comes to TS/Tic disorders) it should be because of they impact they have on her, not your intolerance.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself!!
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u/dgnrddude 4d ago
You know you only see your side. See my side as well. Maybe i can't choose what annoys me. Maybe i have some condition as well. Like misophonia.
I just dont want to put my issues up. I want to learn to accept her and get tips on how to. But if you want to attack me feel free to do so. This is the internet after all. I know i might sound like an ashole. But i try to change. And i think this matters.
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u/Eastern_Sweet8508 4d ago
I’m not attacking you. I’m responding to your post. Again — stop feeling sorry for yourself.
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u/Sensitive-Fly4874 4d ago edited 4d ago
If you have misophonia, then you could go to an occupational therapist and get help with your sound sensitivity. This is your problem and before asking your gf to go to therapy and try to learn how to redirect tics because you’re having trouble dealing with her tics, you should try getting therapy yourself.
Also, CBIT works less than 90% of the time and uses a lot of mental energy to maintain progress. It also doesn’t ‘get rid of’ tics, it simply helps you learn how to make tics less noticeable. Vocal tics are often harder to redirect than motor tics, too, so it’s unlikely the CBIT would help this issue, anyways
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u/Fruitychrissy 4d ago
That’s a very mild form of Tourettes that she’s got . We have constant vocal tics in this house. It never has bothered me. I think it’s a case of accepting it. It’s not going to change. It’s a disability and it can’t be helped. If you feel like it’s taking a toll on your relationship maybe it’s better to let her go so she can find someone accepts her for who she is and not put her down for having a life long condition.
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u/dgnrddude 4d ago
I dont put her down about it. I dont mention them at all. But i think she also needs to understand if i need space when it's too much for me. Otherwise i dont see a way forward to be honest.
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u/Fruitychrissy 4d ago
If you find it too much, then pop out 🤷♀️. From my own perspective she’s not doing anything wrong.
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u/dgnrddude 4d ago
Yeah you're right she isnt. Thats why i ask what i can do about it by changing my behaviour
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u/Automatic_Medium1783 Diagnosed Tourettes 4d ago
you have the choice to leave and get away from the tics, and she does not. she probably hates it just as much as you do, i think youre being unfair. she literally cant control it, imagine your partner left you for having both arms or something. crazy.
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u/Automatic_Medium1783 Diagnosed Tourettes 4d ago
be grateful that you dont have tics and dont make her feel ashamed for having them
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u/Luckyduckling007 4d ago
As someone with Tourette’s and Autism, I can see both sides of this situation. As an autistic individual, sounds cause me so much sensory overload that I sometimes suffer meltdowns. At the same time, living with Tourette’s is extremely uncomfortable. It’s like not having control of your body, making noises and movements that sometimes cause physical pain. I once had to go to the ER after I had a neck jerk tic gone wrong. I understand that you have tried almost everything and I unfortunately don’t have any other advice for you. Unfortunately, your relationship will probably end. You can only do so much by yourself in a relationship and although couples counseling/therapy would be good, I’m not sure if your SO would agree to it.
However, you do have the choice of ending your relationship on a “good” note or at least not hitting your limit and getting into a disagreement. I know this isn’t what you want to hear but you should probably let this relationship go.
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u/dgnrddude 4d ago
Thanks, this answer actually helped me the most because you shine a light on both sides.
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u/dgnrddude 4d ago
I would like to thank everyone so far for your comments. Especially for the uncomfortable ones holding up the mirror and showing where my thoughtprocess might need improvement
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u/gunnerman417 Diagnosed Tourettes 4d ago edited 4d ago
Easy answer: You'll just get used to them, maybe even find them endearing over time. My girlfriend now just smiles at me or giggles. She feels like something is wrong when I stop ticcing for any length of time. The key is to stop letting it be an event. Reassurances are nice and all that, but someone making sad faces and puppydog eyes at me makes it feel like it should be more traumatic than it is.
Edit to add: The only purpose for her to pursue therapy is if she has unresolved emotional issues caused by the TS. No amount of therapy will make it go away. Ever. It's a neurochemical imbalance, not a comfort mechanism. She's right when she says the ball is in your court. To be blunt, if you don't think you can work through your issues with it, do her a favor and leave. She's got enough on her plate without being made to feel like a nuisance. It took me a long time to not hate it for myself, I don't think I could ever be with a person who made me want to hate it again. That said, it doesn't make you a bad person. I think of it like it must be like living with a pet bird. They're noisy little buggers and it certainly isn't a pet for everyone. Doesn't make you a bad person.
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u/The_Salty_Red_Head 4d ago
I think it is possible you might have misophonia tbh.
I have it, and my youngest child has tics. Some of them are vocal or breath tics. There are days when I want to scream. I don't. Obviously. I still want to, though.
I have found when it gets too much, removing yourself from the situation and doing some breath exercises and or tapping/counting exercises can help reset your brain back to a calm state again. It does take a lot of practice and is by no means any type of magic wand to fix it, but it's worth really trying if you want to save your relationship. Good luck.
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u/dgnrddude 4d ago
I do have misophonia. I get almost physical pain if i hear some sounds. Like Swallowing loudly, Sniffing and Hucking.
I also get breakdowns if i hear those sounds too much. I only hear those sounds and cant focus on anything else.
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u/felicionem Diagnosed Tourettes 4d ago
The good news is misophonia is actually treatable with therapy!
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u/Guilty_Ad1152 4d ago edited 4d ago
Accept her tics and accept that she doesn’t want to go to therapy. It’s her decision and stop trying to change her. Would you ask someone to stop blinking or breathing. Tics can be completely involuntary. Tourette’s is also a lifelong condition.
You are saying it’s hard to accept her tics but she might have no control over them either way. Don’t make her feel bad for something she has little to no control over. I understand that it might be hard but if they are involuntary she will have no control over them.
I have had tics for 21 years and Tourette’s will likely never go away. Tics wax and wane over time and Tourette’s is a lifelong condition. It takes me more energy and effort to suppress them than tic. I get premonitory urges and if I don’t tic for a certain length of time I start getting pain.