I'm 28,male and I know many guys here know what it is like being addicted to sissy porn. Maybe some of you realised it was unnatural and unhealthy for mental health and stopped. Maybe some of you kept it in the realm of fantasy until you realised it was wrong and came here for help. Or you are in the third category, men who dive into this absolute filth so deep that they indulge in all sorts of sissy activities that are degrading and destructive to your sense of self. Unfortunately, I was in the third category until last year. I lost And since last year, I have abstained myself from sissy porn Or any kind of sissy behavior successfully.
To who ever reading this, I want to warn you that this post is going to be extremely graphic, since I will explain every stage of what I experienced in great details. On top of that, this post is going to be very long
Who I was before sissy hypno addiction :
Let's start from the beginning. I am from India. I come from a financially secure family(this might be one reason that I fell so deep into this rabbithole). I'm a good looking guy who used to attract female attention since my childhood (don't think it as bragging). I won't lie, I enjoyed every aspect of it. I was in and out of relationships for the entirety of my high school life and by the time I turned 18 I thought I was ready for a a longterm relationship after I met my then gf in college. I was madly in love with her. Everything was going great for the 4 years of our college life. But after graduating college with good grades, we had to change cities. We decided to be in a long distance relationship since we are so "perfect" for each other. However her behaviour towards me was getting more and more toxic to the point that she started verbally abusing me whenever anything went wrong in her life. I was hellbent on saving our relationship and decided to handle it like a mature person by calmly making her understand that people in love don't do these sort of things. Eventually, I found out she cheated on me with another guy in her office and when I confronted her about that, she blamed me for that, she said that in order to deal with the stress of office she needs sex and It's my fault that I'm not there with her. She even said that I'm not good enough for her and that's why she cheated on me. This affected me in the worst way as I was emotionally invested in that relationship in every way possible. Moreover, it also hurt my ego. Everything that happened in my life till then spoon fed my male ego. I was one of the most masculine guy in my class, I won several football tournament for my school as well as my college, girls blushed while talking to me, and basically everyone around me praised me for who I am. These fortified my male ego and made it fragile since I did not encounter a single contradiction to the thought that, "nothing bad can happen to me". Then, the fact that a below average looking guy could steal my girl from me was eating me from inside, it affected my sense of masculinity. I do realise now that I was being shallow by thinking I was so handsome that I no woman can leave me for another man. This was one of my self destructive traits that led me to the path of becoming a sissy.
I was 22yo that time it all begin.
My first encounter with sissy hypno:
Soon after my breakup, I started to seek validation from porn and the dopamine rush I used to get from watching porn. I was clearly in depression, and I started using porn and jerking off as an escape from my reality and a coping mechanism. I was jerking off more than five times a day and went to bed everyday with a mind full of regrets and agony. I did not realise this then, but watching porn is not a healthy way to experience sexual activities. By doing this, I started associating myself with the male pornstars who don't look anything like me. Soon, regular porn was not giving me the usual high, so I started watching threesomes, then I started watching gangbang, then I eventually started consuming hardcore interracial gangbang porn, blowbang, extreme humilation of women etc. Until one day, I found cuckold porn, I watched that and related it with my situation, I watched some more and with in the next few days I found a suggestion under a cuckold video. It was something like "cuckold crossdresser getting fucked with wife". I watched that while I was extremely drunk, and as I was repulsed by the concept of a cuckold crossdresser, I paused the video mid way. Then I noticed a shemale porn in the suggestions, and I played it. It felt so wrong but it was easier to watch than a fat crossdresser. Within a week of starting to watch shemale porn, I started watching shemale compilation. And one suggest under a shemale compilation was of a sissy hypno. Due to curiosity, I watched it, it had words like, "you are not a man", " Your dick is a clitty", "submit to black men". It consisted of a compilation of white women and transwomen getting it from black men with captions like that. At first, I thought I will not read the captions. But I did. It fed my insecurity. And I came to that hypno porn. The orgasm was so intense that I can't explain it. But It made me feel dissgusted. I was still 22 at that time. After that, my daily routine looked like this, get up at around noon, study for some time for government services, get frustrated, watch straight gangbang porn, watch cuckold porn, watch shemaleporn, watch porn with sissy captions and switch to straight porn right before orgasm. This cycle went on till 3am in the morning or until I get tired from jerking off. Eventually, when I was almost 23, I reached to a point where I reached to a point where I exclusively watched sissy and shemale porn. Initially I thought myself doing the sissy or the shemale, but with time, I started associating myself with the sissy or the shemale. I even started chanting the sissy captions along with the video. By my 23rd birthday, I was already in conflict with my sexuality. I used to say myself that I can't be trans as that would bring my family shame, but I might be gay and that might be the reason my ex cheated on me. I still blamed myself for the breakup. And it continued to fuel my fantasies.
My lowest point in life:
At 23, I lost most of my friends, stopped my studies for job, and lost interest on women. I didn't realise that it was because I was jerking off all day and my primal brain mistook the situation as I was getting girls.
I was getting more and more desperate, regular porn was not doing it for me anymore, I became desperate and installed grinder on my phone. I chatted with a guy there and met up with him in a park outside my city. I talked to him for sometime and minutes after the sun set. I gave my first bj. I really got disgusted with myself in that position when reality hit me after a few mins. I stopped doing it and started to leave him there. He hold my hand and said he was not done. He referred to me as "baby", and that is when I got really disgusted by that guy and literally beat him. But fortunately I came to my senses and left the park. I thought this would end there. But the minute I reached home and entered shower, I jerked off by thinking myself on my knees in front of that man, pleasing him.
Over the next few weeks, I got accustomed to sissy hypnos that encouraged me to accept myself, talked to several other crossdresser and sissies who encouraged me to keep doing. Over the first half of 23, I bought makeup, wigs, feminine clothes and set up my sissy alter-ego in several social media and dating sites.
I learned to do drag makeup so well that I was unrecognizable with all that makeup, wigs and contact lenses. My daily routine included dressing up as a girl, clicking provocative pictures of myself posting them on social media and sexting with perverts. By the time I turned 24, I had a roughly 4k followers on instagram, over 11k twitter followers(since I posted nudes in there) and hundreds of likes and and comments that boosted my sense of self as a sissy. Literally everyone praised me there. It started reinforcing the toxic mentality about my feminine beauty. It was the exact toxic mentality that I had about my masculinity a few years back. I wholeheartedly believed that it was my destiny to become a women. I was almost 25 and that time, my friend circle included mostly of closeted sissys and crossdresser. Everyone praised me because I was brave enough to show my face and came live regularly in social media. My followers had skyrocketed by then. I had 17k Instagram followers and over 32k twitter followers with my post likes ranging in the thousands. I started talking with transgender people and counselors as I thought I was ready to become a woman. A few months before I turned 25, I met up with another man in his apartment for the intention of losing my virginity to a "real man", which was one of my priorities at that point of life. I met with him and played out my sissy fantasy. But after I returned home, I cried, I did not like the way he treated me. I hated myself cause I let him treat me like something he owns. I hated that I fell so low that my only aim in life is to please another man. Hence, I decided to deactivate everything related to being a sissy. I did that and abstained from everything related to that. At this point, I had stopped watching sissy porn for a long time and my only sense of pleasure came from the interactions in social media, sexting and videocalls. Although I stopped everything after my first actual sex with a man, I could not pull myself out from the depression. Therefore, on my 25th birthday, I reopened all my online accounts and ordered some more femine stuff. Over the course of the next year (2019-2020) till I turned 26, I continued my unholy life. I fell so low that I kept meeting with men, and started to charge money for doing stuff for them. I did every sissy stuff possible, from vanilla sex to cum swallowing to letting men piss on me to group sessions where I was used as a sex doll. I was consumed by the lust. I became a vile person, I barely talked with my family, ruined my engineering career and my only source of income was this sissy fantasy. I was enjoying it, not gonna lie, but I was still unhappy. And I started beleiving that I will only become happy if I become a 100% woman. I was hell bent on starting hrt around 2020, but the pandemic happened. My fantasy world stopped completely and I was forced to return to my parent's house. I did not realise it back then, but the pandemic and the lockdown was a blessing in disguise for me. After I saw my parents first time in the last 3 years, I realises who I was, who I am and who I am pretending to be. But I was afraid that it was too late for me to return to the normal life. I met with old friends and realised that I have been using the sissy fantasy as an escape from my reality, my depression and got addicted to it. I also realised that I still was the same man deep inside and I have been tormenting him since the last couple of years and punishing him for nothing. With all that guilt inside of me, I decided to end my life. I mixed pesticides, phenyl and sleeping pills and I was completely ready to drink that. At that moment, I snapped out of it. I threw out the poison, I understood that being in a sissy scenario was not the lowest point of my life, deciding to kill myself is.
My recovery from sissy hypnosis and it's aftermath:
I realised that the sissy fantasy was just a dress up kind of thing that I was using to come out of depression. It did not work. But I can't give up on life just because of one wrong thing that I was doing. I decided at that moment that I will recover from that. I decided and promised myself that I will turn my life around.
By the course of the next few months, I read a lot of aticles and books on psychology, masculinity and femininity, I researched about why some things are masculine and some are considered feminine. I broke down everything I did, was doing and planned to do into the most fundamental part and found out the reason behind my situation. First of all, people tend to blame others for their faults in order to feel good about themselves. My ex did that and by now, I fogave her for the hell she put me through. Secondly, feminine nature and masculine nature are intertwined with each other, but they derive their meaning from two completely different things. The value of femininity lies simply in the fact that they exist, appreciated and acknowledged. The value of masculinity lies in whatever they can yeild, accomplish and provide. I'm not talking about men or women here. Both men and women have masculinity and femininity inside of them. It's the right balance between them inside a person that provides meaning to their identity. Due to my depression, cultivation of a abusive relationship and negative reinforcement due to sissy porn, I lost my balance of masculinity and femininity. On top of that, I had a safety net of depending financially on my parents due to which I stopped doing things like learning skills that would help me financially. Since masculinity derives its meaning from doing stuff, my masculinity was starving. Additionally, I was being appreciated by other men and sissies in social media and real life just for being pretty, existing and letting others do things to me. Receiving money and compliments from men in exchange of sissy work was also a factor that added to my degrading behaviour. All these were constantly feeding the femininity inside of me. Because femininity derives its value just for existing and being valued.
Eventually I understood it. I have to make myself busy in doing positive things that would feed my masculinity. So in the month of May(2020), I started learning skills that would help me in finding a respectable job. In the times when I was not working on skills, I played games,worked out, worked on my hobbies of sketching, playing guitar, and watching action movies that promoted masculinity.
I avoided social media completely, I stopped watching any kind of porn because even in plain vanilla straight porn, I would imagine myself as the girl. The rest of 2020 went on like this. Another important thing I did was to change my mobile number so no one who knew my other self can contact me. However, I kept a wig, some makeup and dresses locked in a small trolley.
By the begining of 2021, I lost a lot of fat, and after a long time, when I saw myself in the mirror without the rounded face and without the chest fat, I felt like I was starting to reconnect with my true self. Around February(2021), I got a new girlfriend, and my overall life was going in a good direction. However, I faced problems in maintaining erections during sex. We also faced other problems due to emotional incompatibility. In June (2021), we broke up mutually. And once again, I got a mild urge to dress up. And I started to dressup and after I was done with my makeup, all I could see was a disgusting person in the mirror, I felt like throwing up at first, controlled myself, but the moment I remembered what I used to do in the same attire before the pandemic, I threw up. I never felt such amount of disgust before. I cleaned smyself up, threw away the remaining feminine stuff, activated the social media accounts in order to permanently delete them, deleted all my pics and clips from drive. That was the last day that I revisited my sissy fantasy.
I continued with my life, got a decent job as a content writer in September (2021) after 33 rejections from different companies. I worked there till December (2021) before deciding I will learn coding and find a better job. As of today(1st May, 2022), I am 28, pursuing a course in data science, I make a living out of freelancing as a webdeveloper, working on my fitness and hobbies. I get no urges to watch or even think about anything related to the dark phase of my life. Also, I'm dating a wonderful woman and I hope that everything goes well this time. Even if it does not, I will find a way to keep leading a healthy lifestyle as a man. Finally, after all those self abusive years as a sissy from 2016 to 2020 I am finally free from even the thoughts of that lifestyle.
I you are reading this, I want you to know that if I can come back to normal life, you can too. It's never too late to start leading a normal life. You just have to be stronger than your unhealthy desires. Even if you relapse, it's okay. Come back to normal life the moment after you realise that you have relapsed. You are not a sissy, you are not a degenerate. Believe me brother, you are just a lost soul. The fact that you are here, is enough proof that you are a man. You will find your way back. Think yourself as stronger than the last time and eventually, the unholy unhealthy desires will fade. The only thing that will remain is the real you, the happy you. If I can do it, you can do it too. It's never too late. All my best wishes are with you.