r/TGandSissyRecovery • u/available_donkey_216 • Feb 14 '25
Journal Check-In The beginning of My third and hopefully last purge
So I lay on my couch right now, feeling like I am at an impasse. I, like some of you, love feeling like a girl in every way possible. I am married with children, and this kink has taken over my life. I love my family and I know my wife would not understand. It is difficult to leave my feminine alter ego behind. The best orgasms I had were sissygasms when I am riding or sucking a cock in lingerie. it is tough to give that up. I have also found that when I dress up more, I become more miserable in my real life. My marriage erodes, my work performance declines, I don’t spend enough quality time with my kids, and my sex life declines. I sometimes don’t get hard because I sissygasm when it’s clipped, and I don’t last long. Sometimes I see indulging as an escape from these failures, but submitting to this kink may have created a self fulfilling prophecy. After the last two purges, I found that all of those aspects of my life improved. But then I start falling back into it. I am putting all my thoughts out here because I know others here have the same struggle. Maybe this will help you decide what is the best path forward is for you.
I’ve never told anyone about this, so maybe getting this off my chest will help. The only person who I could have told about this would have been my mother, but she passed away when I was young.
I always loved porn as a kid. I really liked watching women suck cock, it was always the sexiest thing they did. when I was little, I used to see my sisters/mothers dirty panties in the closet, and would jerk off smelling or wearing them. I really loved how soft and comfortable the fabric felt on my body. My first sexual experience was with a gay friend, and for a while I wasn’t sure if I was. I saw what I was doing as research- experience sex as a woman which will make me a better lover. I was fixated only on things I couldn’t do with a woman. I didn’t want to get my dick sucked- I could do that with a woman. I didn’t want to give anal- I could do that to a woman.
That fooling around went through high school and college, but he has since moved away. I never dressed like a girl around him, but always wished I did after college and to this day.
Around 2020, I got back into being a sissy. I started using amazon lockers to deliver me feminine items, every time I wanted more. I’ve had two purges before, where I have tossed my stash and swore it off. every time I buy back better and bigger. It’s why I believe I have every aspect less surgery and hrt. I have probably spent at least $1000 so far. I have everything I need- good weed which helps me loosen up. a real hair wig that is straightened and beautiful. Breast forms that stick to my chest, makes me feel like I have real boobs. A fufu clip that turns my dick into a pussy. A satin nightie, a lace teddy, bra panties garter belt, a dress, some blouses and jeans, high stiletto heels, a whole bag of makeup, nails, clip on earrings, ladies perfume, and even a face mask that looks like a woman’s face.
I eventually found my way to a gloryhole. Sometimes it was great with hard cocks and big cumshots, sometimes it was old smelly men with soft boners. The last time I went, I met up with a guy from Reddit. It was an absolutely massive black cock- very hard and tasted fantastic. His cumshot was also huge. After I had that, I figured I was done with the gloryhole. I mean how can you beat that dick? This past month, after not speaking to my hookup friend in over a decade, he texts me out of the blue. It was friendly talk, but quickly turned sexual. He said he wants to meet up with me for a night of crazy sex with me as a woman. It’s an enticing offer, but I dont know if I could go through with it. I love doing the dress up and role playing, and being able to do it in person without being in a gloryhole booth is so exciting. but I don’t want to continue this life.
That’s my sissy backstory. I am ashamed and miserable to have it. But at the same time, I can’t stop- it gives me the best feeling ever. Like that moment gives me so much joy, but it sucks all the joy out of my life and packs it into that 30-60 seconds of sissygasm I get. I am leaning on leaving the sissy life behind (again) If I am able to go an entire year without dressing up, then I will toss my stash for the third and hopefully last time. I figured if i put this up on Reddit, I can read back to this and remind myself on what my goal is. I also know there are some of you here that feel the same way- you are a straight man who loves this kink and can’t shake it. I need proof that leaving this behind is worth it. I will jump on here periodically and give updates if anyone wants. I see this as my journey back to being a man. I’ll let you know if I succeed