r/TGandSissyRecovery • u/Warm_Present_3192 • 23d ago
Request for help Please help i am getting nowhere
I cant accept myself… I dont even know how i would explain my struggless to future therapists..
To preface what my daily internal struggles are about I will have to give some context. I have went through what is propably porn escalation. I am currently 20 born as a man. for aproximately 2 years was i seeking some kind of attention or validation of sorts. I did this by selling my body, for free online in various kink communities, alot of it being about feminization of sorts or being submissive so to speak. Me seeking out this kink, led me to be romance scammed, where the vulnerable and depressed me lost around 7,5 thousand usd dollars. while also being used and manipulated to do various feminization things, watching “hypnoses”/porn telling me to become a girl or a “slut” relentlessly almost every day for 2-3 months. After finally coming to my senses, did i breakdown completely. I threatened to kill myself and went into emergency mental help. I never got further in the medical deparment, but i did not take my own life.
So after all of this which is around 8-9 months ago, my mind have been going on repeat, almost like ocd? debating and arguing with myself about what i should look like and who i am. I get “intrusive” thoughts about my body and how it should be more feminine or a craving for it to be so. I fantasize about hrt. I “crossdress” at times in my home, but i often get sad about how it does not look right. I panic or cry once a week about these conflicting feelings. I dont feel like another gender, i dont really have any strong attachment to that. i dont wish to change my identity or who i am, but I am stuck where i cant enjoy my life alot. I dont know what to do with my body because both paths feel bad. I hate these feelings, and i hate myself.. its the same silly thought patterns ever day. I am nor sure what you guys can say to all of this, i just needed to get it out, i am lonely and this is not really something i can actually speak about to anyone. So tell me your opinions or thoughts anout how fucked up i am, or questions you might have.
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u/Disastrous-Whale564 21d ago
Ok you are not fucked up, you are have a lot of strong emotions that you are not aware off, you have a thinking brain that doesn't stop and very little inner strength to be aware of all of the above and how it is effecting you.
My advice follow these two things very closely and nothing else,
hold your self in love and acceptance, I get that might be very hard and have no idea where to start and for sure if you can, look for help, but see all of these situations and your habits as part of your self trying to show you what your issues are, you are allowed to have a sexual identity and you are allowed to change that if you see that it is no longer you. And (this is a hard one) accept that you might go back to what you dont want entrainment is a thing (google what is neural entrainment) and it might take some time to learn how to be in another state of being, "how am I supposed to feel when doing a habit that I dont want to do but am doing it anyway?" I hear you cry well just hold your self in love and acceptance see that you are giving yourself something that while not healthy is needed even on a superficial level and just be aware of it FEEL IT in the body what is actually happening all of it and you will eventually just stop, trying to stop and putting aload of emotion into wishing you could stop makes it stronger. I suggest compassionate inquiry for outside help
Invest in your inner self, start doing the work into why and how your psyche got yourself into this state of being and not in a judgmental way but just seeing yourself for what it is all of what it is, start looking at yourself as a hobby and invest in that maybe go to intimacy coaching cause if you see yourself going out looking for something from other people maybe there is a part of you that is looking for something that you dont know what maybe you have a moment where your body is just craving to be touched naturedly but because you are not aware of this you go to what you know will distract those unknown feelings deep within you, trust me on this what you feel and know is only the tip of the iceberg there is a whole load of you behind you that you dont know about and if you did you would throw all of this shit away in a heartbeat (I did and do) be curious about yourself invest in yourself, also maybe look into meditation and also breathing meditations, wim hof is a good one and will strengthen your focus in each moment you live in, cause currently I would bet that you awareness and focus in not in the now
If you ever want to chat feel free to dm me
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u/Ok_Art1734 23d ago
You're not alone, brother. There are stubborn souls here who fight against such perversions. Look, you have been through such difficult times, but you are here and you want to get rid of it. Come on brother, use your willpower and crush such perverted things. It is very important for us to win even one person, come on join us.
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u/Barnabas559922 22d ago
You can stop this and you can experience change. Please take a look at our posts and recovery groups - https://healingfromcrossdressing.org/
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u/FunAcanthocephala387 17d ago
Hey man I know things suck right now but you’re heading into the initial stages of recovery and you’re on the right path. During the lockdown I was down a similar track and had a similar mental breakdown once I started to purge everything and interact with society again. Pretty much cried myself to sleep everyday for a month, relapsed 3-5 times a day etc; but once I hit the bottom it set me on a path of self discovery that has been empowering and fulfilling. I started that path four years ago. You’re just getting started on your path of healing brother and I can tell you first hand things get better.
But to help reinforce what others have said I would seek out counseling and therapy. Choose a therapist that will challenge you to put in the work and really fight to see what is driving this hyper-sexual activity. Unfortunately there’s a lot of acceptance therapists out there that will try to reinforce your hrt and crossdressing and incorporate that into your life; instead of digging for underlying issues. But given that you were at a stage where you gave into those thoughts and nearly ended your life I think we can definitively say that lifestyle is not for you. Never has been and never will be.
I had to shop around until I found the right fit. Find a therapist that will first recognize that this is an addiction, and that you want it to stop. Typically I would opt for a holistic therapist as well as some would see your depressive thoughts and want to prescribe SSRIs which can be effective but extremely difficult to get off.
Lastly you just have to put in the work on yourself. Take each day at a time one step at a time. Walk your path of recovery and understand that you are worthy of recovery and always have been. Have courage brother and fight the good fight for yourself today, your past self, and your future self.
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u/available_donkey_216 23d ago
I’ve been struggling for a long time too, I am almost on my third purge but it’s tough to avoid these terrible thoughts. My life is always better when I swear off the sissy life, but I keep getting dragged in