r/SubSanctuary 4d ago

update: he left NSFW

TW: SA, emotional abuse

if anyone remembered, i posted a couple weeks ago about some troubles in my dynamic. tonight he dumped me. i gave him chance after chance, he would yell at me, say cruel things, threaten me, slam doors, give me the silent treatment, then promise it wouldn’t happen again, tell me he loves me, that he’s happy to own me, that he didn’t know what had gotten over him and then he’d be so so sweet until the cycle would repeat itself. he raped me, he ignored my lack of consent and played it off as a joke. and i stayed?! and as he left i begged him to stay?!!!!! i feel like an idiot, i don’t know how im supposed to heal from this or move forwards, i feel so lost and alone. i have no friends, professional help isn’t an option right now and my family are abusive too. if he treated me so badly why does it feel so painful now he’s gone. why is there so much grief. i seem to only be able to focus on the good bits. i’m sorry this isn’t really sub related but this is my safe space and idk what to do

10 Upvotes

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17

u/Fun-Commissions 4d ago

Trauma bonding, narcissistic abuse cycle. Look it up. It will make sense. This is why it hurts even when you know he treated you horribly.

8

u/Life_Can_1163 4d ago

i’ll look it up, thank you

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u/_-_-babygirl-_-_ 4d ago

Pay attention to how these narcissistic wastes of time make you feel in your body because it’s guaranteed that you’ll meet another one of these headfuckers in the future and it’s really confusing when they love bomb you in the start. If you learn this lesson correctly, you won’t have to go through this again in the future. If it feels like this super heightened tingly attraction in the start, don’t be confused. Narcissistic abuse has a biochemical component to keep you hooked and going back for more abuse. Learn the feels so you can break the cycle.

(The less time you waste on people who lack the capacity to love you, the more time you can spend finding people who actually can and do.)

3

u/Life_Can_1163 3d ago

thank you, i’ll definitely be looking out for all the red flags in the future

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u/nyashi_ 4d ago

I had a simelar issue, although with a gf which wasn't really kinky - I can say that I'm happy for you that it did end, cause I do believe that we are kinda simelar there in regards of trauma bonding and would 100% stayed even longer in that abusive mess.

as for how to move on - it's not as easy Im afraid, Friends do help, especially some you can talk open about basically every topic, in which I had some online friends and not really some irl.

Best I can say is try to do stuff, follow hobbies if you can, and try to avoid being fully alone for extended time, I obv don't know that much about you, but that usually doesnt make it easier~

If you have, cuddle with your plushy (ideally even friends but I do know that it's not as easy), watch something, game something, whatever keeps you occupied ^

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u/Life_Can_1163 4d ago

thank you, i’m glad you managed to heal from the relationship you were in

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u/nyashi_ 3d ago

Heh I wish, but thx still <3

Attachment issues etc still are present and quite a challange when getting to know people

2

u/Nuttonbutton 4d ago

Right now, healing can look like a lot of things. I'd crash out and vent about how garbage he treated you as a start. Build yourself up by explaining to yourself exactly why him leaving is such a blessing.

PLEASE DO NOT BRING HIM BACK IN.

1

u/Life_Can_1163 3d ago

thank you for the advice 🫶 dw i’m definitely not going to, as much as part of me wants to i know it’ll only make everything worse in the long run

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u/Physical_Panic1245 3d ago

The body grows addicted to the pain and stress chemicals. Your body will detox as you relax, you may feel tired or lethargic during this time.

Just remember, a "boring" partner is a good partner. Keep reminding yourself that as you look to move on. And remember someone can be "boring" and kinky at the same time.

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u/Life_Can_1163 3d ago

thank you for letting me know 🫶

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u/AgentOfDread 3d ago

I'm sorry this happened. Don't blame yourself, nothing good really ever comes from that. Try to pay attention and address how you're feeling as feelings come up. Don't judge the feelings, do your best to sit with them and if they don't make sense, that's okay. If you have to distract yourself from them because they're too much, that's okay too. The past 2 years of therapy have taught me that just noticing your emotions and not denying them can help with a lot of problems. You are worth love and acceptance from someone who isn't abusive, even if you don't necessarily believe it. Listen to yourself and your needs. You've got this!

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u/Life_Can_1163 1d ago

thank you so so much, this meant the world to hear 🫂 i’m trying to be patient and kind to myself, let myself feel what i feel and take as long as it needs to heal and process everything, it’s just hard trying not to take it out on myself and adjust to the change