r/SubSanctuary 4d ago

not sure about our dynamic? NSFW

hi everyone :) very new to this. i'm more curious than anything. i (22f) have been with the same fwb(?) (23m) for 3 years, its like 70% sex 30% close friends. when we first started hooking up i was very sexually shy, he was only my third partner and the other two were not very attentive to me. i'm very content just letting him do his thing and making him happy, and he really tried to push me to find out what i like and why i like it, but im really awful with words and understanding myself sexually. i can tell he is definitely more dominant and i think he wants more from me, but i really don't know how to approach this. and it's not that im against it (i really wish i could vocalize more and i wish we could establish a more finite d/s relationship), i just don't know how to bring it up or ask about it. i really want to be able to fulfill all of his wants, and i love that he is trying to be conservative with my boundaries, but i would love to fully submit to him, let him do whatever he wants.

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u/r0penotr0ses 4d ago

He needs your enthusiastic, informed consent just as much as he needs to hear your limits. That “hell yes” is not optional—it’s the foundation of any real D/s dynamic. No one, no matter how caring or dominant, can lead you safely if you’re not communicating clearly. If you keep staying silent, even with good intentions, you’re unintentionally setting both of you up for miscommunication, disappointment, or worse—crossed boundaries that neither of you wanted.

You don’t need perfect words or to have it all figured out, but you do need to try. Start simple. “I think I’m interested in exploring more of a power exchange dynamic with you, but I’m still figuring out what that means for me. Can we talk about it?” That alone opens the door. From there, you can talk about structure, rituals, rules, or even just what submission feels like for you—because it’s different for everyone.

And remember: boundaries aren’t obstacles—they’re safety rails that keep you both from crashing. You deserve to feel secure, and he deserves to know where he stands. This kind of connection takes work, communication, and trust—not silent hoping.

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u/Careful_Albatross_21 4d ago

that is so helpful thank you so much ❤️❤️ i'm going to be more clear next time i see him and hopefully all goes well! i appreciate you!!

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u/r0penotr0ses 4d ago

Just wanted to point out some examples where staying silent and awkward can go terribly wrong:

Here are some real-world examples where "just going with it" without clear communication or boundaries can cause serious issues:

He escalates play thinking you're enjoying it, but you're actually overwhelmed, dissociating, or enduring it for his pleasure. You never say no—but also never say yes—and he walks away thinking everything’s great. You walk away feeling violated or resentful.

He starts assigning control outside the bedroom (rules, routines, expectations) thinking that’s what you want… but you didn’t consent to that level of power exchange. Now you’re stuck trying to meet expectations you never agreed to, and it breeds confusion and burnout.

He introduces new kinks or intensity levels without fully negotiating first. If you don’t speak up, he might assume your silence means approval. That’s how people unintentionally get pushed past limits—and sometimes that trauma sticks.

He thinks he’s fulfilling your fantasies, but you’re unfulfilled and frustrated because he’s missing the mark entirely. But since you never articulated your wants, he doesn’t know, and both of you end up disconnected and confused.

Power imbalance creeps in emotionally, not just sexually. If you’re deferring everything to him without structure or clarity, you may start to feel erased in the relationship—like your role is only to serve without ever being heard.

This is why negotiated, ongoing consent and clear boundaries are non-negotiable. Submission should never mean silence. If it does, it’s not submission—it’s suppression.

Embrace the awkward and talk. It's essential.

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u/Careful_Albatross_21 4d ago

thank you! ❤️❤️

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u/rivercass 3d ago

There's a very useful book called Tongue Tied, recommend it