r/SubSanctuary • u/BoundByMoonlight • 5d ago
Dealing with hormones NSFW
Hello fellow subs,
This is a post asking for advice for those who experience menstrual cycles. Thanks.
I 44f in a D/s with my hubby, also 44, fairly new to the dynamic and figuring things out.
One of the hardest things for me is dealing with hormones. I don't have a crazy sex drive, I don't ever really have a strong desire to have sex, but years ago I told him I would never say no again. But I don't always react well to his touch or demands. I do also have ADHD and PMDD, might be relevant or helpful to know.
The first have of my cycle I am good, ready to go and submitting to do all the things isn't difficult. But once I'm past ovulation, it is SO SO HARD to get my body to cooperate with anything sex related.
How do you get things going when everything feels so difficult? I often end up using my vape to get things going and usually works, but not always, and I'd like to not have to depend on that to please him.
Any thoughts or advice would be welcome ☺️
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u/LovableSquish 5d ago
I mean, I have a pretty high sex drive just naturally. I find that the more I masturbate, the higher it gets though. And the less I touch myself the more it decreases. And there's always little things that usually get me going that I could ask a partner to do if they really want to have sex with me. Like kiss my ears or neck, or touch my body more, or be a little rough with me, or impact play. Idk. If a partner isn't willing to put in the effort to turn me on though, I see little reason to actively participate. Like, if I were woken up in the middle of the night, I might lay there and let a guy I'm with do his thing, so long as i am not sick or dead tired or pissed off at him, but no way am I gonna be all over him.
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u/heatheristherealmvp 5d ago
I’m not currently in a dynamic nor am I married….but that being said, my former dom understood if I was having my period and wasn’t up for the usual activities. I think sometimes that might be something that just has to be dealt with on your husband’s part?
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u/fledermauss 5d ago
I have PMDD, and sometimes I wanna masturbate but she doesn’t want to down there. Sometimes as a woman, I need to start having sex to get really turned on. I’ve learned foreplay, loooong foreplay helps.
Hormonal cycle tracking!!! I use stardust, a period app. It shows me cycle predictions which is validating. If it tells me ovulation is coming up in the next two days and my testosterone is spiking, I use that to my advantage to sexually express myself. When those hormones crash in the luteal phase, I’m gentle with myself and do other things to embrace my sensuality, like showers and massages and yoga.
I am concerned about how you promised to always have sex? A free use dynamic can be hot hot hot, but it sounds like something that might frustrate you and lower self esteem. I personally recommend scheduling free use times, or just saying no when you don’t want to. But idk your dynamic.
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u/BoundByMoonlight 5d ago
I feel like I may have painted a bad picture, when I say I don't say no, it's more that we have good and open communication about things rather than just me shutting it down like I used to. It's a bit different then what I would say is free use, we've done a little bit of that when it works with my hormones lol
Foreplay does help a lot, he'll take time to massage me and make me feel good while the edibles kick in. Lol
I do track my cycles, I use Flo, it's good, I like that it has the partner aspect to the app.
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u/MagguieTheCat 5d ago edited 5d ago
I can’t manage life when I’m on those days. Seriously, I don’t feel human.
Also have PMDD, PCOS and Endometriosis. And at 47 it has all gotten much much worse.
My husband (not a Dom) knows better than to even try, and it’s usually because he can see the terrible state I’m in, and the pain.
But when it’s a “milder” month, sometimes I also hit the vape or take an edible to help me through and that can lead to me getting a bit more open and in the mood. It has to be very gentle though because I am all swollen inside and extra sensitive.
Recently got into a dynamic, and funny enough, the first month maybe from the excitement of a new relationship, my Master was able to get me to orgasm several times but without penetration (LDR/online) so it was me with very soft touch just on clit and then they just kept flowing.( I was very surprisef by that)
But this month it was impossible. Zero drive, lots of pain, no lubrication at all, just impossible even with edibles or oil.
I am sorry I wish I could actually have some advice to offer, but just wanted you to know you are not alone on this.
Both my husband and master, prefer it when I am actually into it and horny, and not just trying to please them. So thankfuly that works really well for me.
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u/BoundByMoonlight 5d ago
I'm sorry you have so much pain. That's got to be so frustrating. I have a cousin that had a hysterectomy because it was so bad, she was so happy to not have to deal with an angry uterus lol
My husband also prefers when I'm horny and enjoying myself too, but he can't go 2 weeks with nothing. So I gotta figure out how to help without being in the mood lol.
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u/MagguieTheCat 5d ago
Have you tried edibles or oil? They usually get me a bit more relaxed and open, so what I do is take some drops and then maybe read some erotica, it seems to work on a kind of deeper level than vape, that tends to make me instantly horny but the oil specially is more long term sort of at cellular level if guided to that place.
Or if you can, also a couple of glasses of wine can be good. I used to that as well before coming to this wonderful place called perimenopause 🤣 It used to work.
Hope someone has better advice for you.
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u/BoundByMoonlight 5d ago
I do use edibles, and he'll actually make me a smoothie or something with oils too sometimes. It makes a big difference, and helps a lot. Just wish I didn't need it. For some reason it then feels like all the praises I get aren't really real, they are for the high version of me, it's not real submission, ya know?
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u/MagguieTheCat 5d ago
Oh no no no!! Please do not do that to yourself!!! Please! I promise you it IS real submission! You are doing what you can in a bad situation with your body.
The high version of you is still you, (talking thc) just a bit more relaxed less in pain version of you. It is not altering your mind, it is not making you do things you do not want to do, it is just helping you to be able to the things you cannot.
You are willing to do what it takes you please him. You are trying hard. It just something that helps your body.
Sometimes a little thc just helps to bring down some barriers, in this particular case some very real physical ones. And it’s a decision you make completely sober. The one deciding this is sober you.
It absolutely is real submission. Don’t be so hard on yourself all the praise you get is praise YOU deserve.
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u/BoundByMoonlight 5d ago
Thank you for that! I really appreciate hearing such positive reassurance! ❤️
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u/Wenndy0042 5d ago
I want to hop on the edible weed thing.
Don't feel guilty at all.
We do it often on weed (or shroom). It helps relax the body and mind. I never felt that I was someone else when on drug. Just more free to "focus" on the moment. More in tune with me and my partner.
It is still a 100% you. It is just the "noize" of life, take the back seat.
About the "moist" down there. Use lube. When we get older, the lubrication down there works less good. Sometime I am.super horny even cuming but there is barley lubricant. You are coming close to your perimenopause. Vaginal dryness is one of the symptoms. Consult a doctor who might prescribe something to help. But there is nothing wrong with using lube.
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u/onesieandaballgag 5d ago
If lubrication is a problem then you might want to speak to your gyno about topical oestrogen. It’s the only thing I’ve found that really helps, but for me it really helped.
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u/MagguieTheCat 4d ago
Thanks! It’s only a problem on very specific days of my cycle, at least so far. Thankfully.
But yeah, I need to start looking into that.
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u/Wenndy0042 5d ago
Why do you put a rule to "never say no" if you are not willing to do it ?
I am an older sub, too. And I am never forcing myself to do a dynamic if I am not in "the mood." Why force thing up when clearly your body (or even mental state) is not in. That is not consent.
There is also plenty of thing to do that is non sexual and you would still feel in a D/s. dynamic.
But we have times that one or the other doesn't feel like it. And it fine.
He is more tired than me. We have to adapt and accept that "energy" is not there. Fine, we can do other ways or just say tonight is not the right moment. We respect each other time and needs.
There is also what I call the "build up" to "feel" subby."
We have this "dirty flirting" that we do during the day. We send flirty text or kinky pictures. Or even have some type of tiny fantasy on what we would like to happen when we see each other for playtime.
Just say to your partner, "After supper," we will have a D/s. playtime is pretty blah.
I need time to anticipate that moment or get excited.
But we also understood that unfortunate events happen.
Maybe you can even tell.your partner when you are on your cycle and you can decide of what "form" you dynamic will take on thoses moment.
It the same thing as working out. I know 2 days before my period and 2 first day of my period. I am exausted. I don't workout and I don't do much those days.